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"are you up?"
The vibration of Cyrus's phone in his silent bedroom almost made him jump, but when he saw the text from his boyfriend, he smiled softly, typing out a quick reply.
"yes I am, but why are you up?"
On the other side of town, in a not so quiet bedroom, TJ smiled despite the muffled yelling filling the house.
"I could ask you the same thing" TJ responded, finally groaning a little as he put his headphones in and starting blasting music through them. At least that was a more tolerable type of loud.
"you tell me yours and I'll tell you mine" Cyrus answered, both of their replies coming within seconds of each other.
That made TJ crack another smile, but as he began typing, the smile fell again and he erased the paragraph he'd just typed.
"can I call you?" TJ sent instead. "it'll be easier"
Cyrus hesitated before answering. He and TJ had spent many nights on the phone for hours, but they were generally off before midnight. The last thing Cyrus needed was to have his parents catch him on the phone with his boyfriend they didn't know he had at 2:30 in the morning. But TJ's voice had a way of calming him and he needed that.
"yeah, definitely"
As soon as he got that text, TJ paused his music and called Cyrus, laying flat on his back and kicking his sheets away from his legs.
"Hi," Cyrus whispered into the phone. He was curled up completely under his blankets as if that would help muffle his voice, despite the fact that the enclosed space was almost suffocating.
"Hey," TJ said, a little smile playing at his lips.
"So you promised me an explanation," Cyrus said, still whispering.
"You first," TJ replied without thinking, his heartbeat a dull hammer in his ear. They'd been dating for close to 2 months at that point, but TJ was still a little afraid to tell Cyrus more about his parents. He never talked about it with anyone and sometimes it seemed that if he never said it out loud, he could pretend it wasn't real.
Cyrus sighed softly, the line dead silent for a moment and letting the continued yelling in TJ's house a little more noticeable, at least to TJ.
"Just… I can't shut my brain off sometimes," Cyrus murmured, his voice a sad little noise. "I think about everything, that I've done wrong, that could go wrong, that I could fuck up. And I just end up… laying here, letting the mess take over me and I can't sleep."
TJ was quiet, once again listening to his pounding heart and his parents' voices finally quieting.
"TJ?" Cyrus asked. "Say something."
"Shit, sorry," TJ replied. "I… I'm sorry, Cyrus. I wish… I could do something." He paused, smiling just barely after a beat. "If you want, you can call me. When your head won't shut up. I don't care if I'm asleep, I'll wake up for you."
Shit. Before TJ, Cyrus didn't believe anyone could ever feel like their heart skipped a beat, but TJ made his skip at least once a day.
"I'd love that," Cyrus whispered. "But it's your turn."
TJ sighed deeply, running a hand through his already messy hair. Part of him was hoping Cyrus forgot for a minute.
"It's my parents," TJ started. "My dad was out of work for a while and they started fighting all the time because we were broke. Now he's working again and they're still fighting. Dad comes home late and I get treated to midnight screaming matches. I… think they finally gave up and went to bed."
"Theo…" Cyrus replied, that name sounding so gentle in Cyrus's voice. TJ didn't even mind when Cyrus used his full name, because everything sounded nice coming from him. "I know what you're going through. I do. I remember hearing my parents fighting, before they split."
"Hearing your voice helps," TJ whispered. "But uh… in case you were wondering why I don't invite you over. It's not because I don't want you here."
"It's okay," Cyrus reassured, wanting so badly to hug his boyfriend then.
TJ let out a long breath, feeling like a weight was lifting from his chest. He was so afraid to ever talk about it, but Cyrus knowing made him feel less alone. He had Amber to talk to, but she tended to suppress her feelings even more than TJ.
"Thank you," TJ breathed. "For… everything. You don't even know how much you've helped me, Cyrus."
"Thelonius Kippen, you're gonna make me cry!"
TJ let out a light laugh, rolling onto his side and cradling the phone gently against his face. "Okay, let's talk about something else. Something less likely to make one of us cry."
After that, they continued talking for another hour until Cyrus nearly fell asleep, his blankets a tangled mess around him and still covering his head. Once they hung up, TJ copied a link, texting it to Cyrus.
"this is the playlist I listen to to drown out my parents fighting so maybe you can listen to it when you can't stop thinking"
It took Cyrus a minute to reply as he scrolled through the playlist, laughing softly to himself.
"tj you can't put bleachers' entire discography in one place and call it a playlist"
"hey there is three cavetown songs and two wallows songs"
"my point still stands"
TJ laughed a little, smiling fondly at his phone for a moment before he texted back.
"goodnight underdog"
"night theo <3"
So now I'm standing on the overpass, screaming at the cars
About a week later, Cyrus met up with TJ before school, dark bags under his eyes and a half empty iced coffee in his hand. His feet were dragging and his vision was blurry, even as the caffeine started seeping into his bloodstream. They met a couple blocks from school to give them a chance to hold hands before going into the shark tank of high school. That morning when TJ laid eyes on his boyfriend, he frowned deeply, fingers lacing with Cyrus's as soon as they were close enough.
"Hey," TJ muttered, his voice soft and tinged with worry.
Cyrus felt his heart pick up speed as soon as he heard TJ's gentle voice and it almost made him regret what he was planning. Almost.
"Couldn't you sleep last night?" TJ continued. "I thought you said my playlist was helping."
Cyrus started walking along the sidewalk towards the school, hand comfortably intertwined with TJ's, sipping his coffee as they walked.
"It was," Cyrus insisted. He sounded about as tired as he looked, but there was a hint of excitement buzzing underneath that was easy to miss if you weren't listening or if you didn't know Cyrus well. "I was up for a reason. That you will find out after school." He gave TJ an almost smug little smile, his worn out eyes only slightly cheapening the impact.
"Come on, Cyrus, not fair" TJ said with a little groan, giving his boyfriend a pathetic pout.
"I don't care how cute those pouty lips are," Cyrus insisted. "I have a plan and you're not gonna blow it! It's good though, I promise."
TJ's pout stayed in place until they rounded the corner, then he sighed and gave it up, giving Cyrus a gentle smile in its place. Neither of them spoke for a minute and TJ spent that silence studying Cyrus's face. He swore by that point, he would've had it memorized, but every time he looked again, he discovered a new dip, or mole, or freckle that he somehow missed before. Still with every new discovery, his favorite was Cyrus's eyes. You had to look close to see the flecks of gold that came out in the sun, and TJ stared at them as often as possible.
"What are you thinking about?" Cyrus asked softly, interrupting TJ from his observation.
"You," TJ answered, still amazed sometimes at how comfortably honest he could be with Cyrus. "How much I like you. How much I like looking at you."
"TJ…" Cyrus started, his voice so deadly serious, it made TJ's heart start racing. "I think that might be a little gay."
TJ gaped, letting out a laugh and shaking his head. "That… was mean. I almost had a heart attack."
Cyrus laughed a sharp, loud laugh, squeezing TJ's hand. "I'm sorry," he muttered, laughter still lingering in his voice. "I had to."
"You really didn't!" TJ said, though his small laugh made it clear that he wasn't really upset.
As the school started coming into view, Cyrus’s heartbeat picked up and a sick feeling started swirling in his gut as he and TJ silently let go of each other's hands and put a small bit of space in between them.
"Someday," TJ whispered, giving Cyrus an encouraging smile.
Cyrus nodded in return, forcing a smile of his own, though his was less reassuring. The sick feeling morphed into an ugly swarm as they got closer. He hated hiding. He hated feeling like he was ashamed of himself or TJ or their relationship, because he wasn't. All of their close friends knew and he had no problem telling them. But their friends were a safe bubble. High school was a war zone, where everything you did and everything you said was watched and critiqued and judged constantly. It all felt like too much, especially on a relationship that wasn't all that old in the grand scheme of things. So they stuck to group dates at their friends' houses and at the Spoon during the slowest hours of the day. It wasn't ideal, far from it, but it's the best they could do.
As they reached the building, TJ gave Cyrus another smile and the one he got in return was a little more sincere. They entered, heading to their lockers before meeting up with their friends. After that, Cyrus’s anxiety slowly started getting buried under Buffy and TJ's playful teasing, Jonah's dumb jokes, Amber and Andi's casual flirting, and stolen glances with his boyfriend.
The day went on, and in the midst of all the typical school distractions, TJ nearly forgot about Cyrus's seemingly sleepless night and the surprise he had waiting for him. Whenever he got a glimpse of his boyfriend, he was briefly reminded when he saw the tired look on Cyrus's face, but then came another distraction and it was gone again. So when Cyrus walked up to TJ's locker after school and slipped him a note with a sly smile, TJ just looked at him with raised eyebrows.
"Are you gonna read it?" Cyrus asked softly, smile not faltering.
TJ kept eyeing Cyrus as he unfolded the sheet of paper, his nose wrinkling in confusion when he read it.
"I will find any way to your wild heart."
"Okay, well I love this song," TJ said. "But what is the point of this?"
"A hint," Cyrus said, eyes sparkling and smile still set in place. "Meet me at the swings in a half hour."
TJ kept looking at Cyrus curiously, wracking his brain to try and understand or connect his boyfriend's goofy smug smile with the note in his hand, but couldn't figure anything out. Cyrus finally turned and left TJ alone at his locker, still smiling the same knowing smile.
After that, TJ packed up his things, tucking the note into his pocket as he walked out of the school and towards the swings. He still had about 15 minutes until Cyrus was supposed to show up, so he plugged his headphones into his phone and started playing music, lazily swinging as he softly muttered along with the song.
He lost track of time pretty quickly, at one point starting to hear another Bleachers song playing over the one he was hearing through his headphones. He paused the song, looking around until he saw Cyrus holding a speaker and giving him another goofy smile.
TJ stood with a quiet laugh, walking closer to his boyfriend. "Is this just your elaborate way of telling me you've become a bigger Bleachers fan than me?" He asked with a small laugh.
"You're kind of oblivious, Thelonius," Cyrus said, laughing again. He looked slightly more awake and had a caffeine buzz in his head that was promising a crash soon. But he needed to get through his surprise. TJ just looked at him with raised eyebrows, making Cyrus sigh and pull a couple folded sheets of paper from his pocket, holding them up to TJ.
"This is my elaborate way of telling you that I stayed up half the night to get us these," Cyrus said, a wide smile covering his face.
TJ reached out and grabbed the paper, studying it silently for a second before a slow smile crept onto his face and he finally looked up at Cyrus. "Bleachers tickets? You got us Bleachers tickets?"
"Yes!" Cyrus said, practically bouncing on his toes. It was clear it took a lot for him to hold in the secret for an entire day and he looked like an excited child, eyes bright and locked with TJ's.
"Cyrus!" TJ said, pulling the shorter boy into a tight hug. "Oh my god! We're seeing Bleachers!"
"Wait, TJ!" Cyrus said with a little laugh, pulling himself out of his boyfriend's grasp. He did a quick scan of the area to make sure they were alone before he grabbed TJ's hand, his smile gentle now. "There's more. It's in Salt Lake. We're gonna be an hour from Shadyside. No one we know will be there or see us."
It took a second for TJ to connect the dots, but his smile finally mirrored Cyrus's and he squeezed his boyfriend's hand. "We can hold hands in public. We can… we can just be together." His eyes were shiny, threatening to spill tears down his cheeks if he wasn't careful. Even just saying those words felt like letting out a breath he'd been holding for too long and he pulled Cyrus into another hug, biting at his lip to stop himself from crying.
So now I'm staring at the interstate, screaming to myself
It was 3 weeks until the concert but finally, they were in Cyrus's mom's car on the way to the concert. Even though she didn't know they were dating yet, she knew that TJ made her son happy, so she didn't really mind doing it.
TJ and Cyrus hated not being able to hold hands on the hour long drive into Salt Lake City. It felt nearly torturous being within a car seat of each other and not touching at all, but every time Cyrus's mom wasn't paying attention, Cyrus would give TJ a little smile or blow him a kiss and TJ would let his fingers brush Cyrus's and everything felt okay again. Cyrus did manage to talk his mom into giving TJ the aux cord and he played Bleachers the whole ride, singing loudly at Cyrus. Cyrus just smiled brightly, lost in the freckles dotting TJ's cheeks and the way the setting sun made his skin glow. The evening felt infinite, like nothing could touch them or hurt them. Like they could live forever.
Cyrus's mom dropped them off in front of the venue, launching into a lecture before they could get out of the car. "Be careful, boys! No drinking, don't accept anything from strangers, stay together! And meet me right here right after the concert!"
"Got it, mom!" Cyrus said with a groan, rolling his eyes at TJ. "Love you, we'll be careful!"
"Bye Cyrus!" She said, pulling her son into a tight hug which had TJ laughing loudly behind them.
When Cyrus finally pulled away and his mother drove off, TJ was still laughing as they moved into the line.
"It's cute how much she worries," TJ said softly. "You're a lot like her."
Cyrus shrugged, clearly unsure of how to react to that.
"I mean… you always look out for your friends," TJ said softly. "And me."
That made Cyrus blush and brought a little smile onto his face, TJ smiling back instantly. TJ reached a hand out, fingers grazing Cyrus's before he yanked his hand back. But Cyrus's hand followed, fingers intertwining with TJ's.
"It's okay," Cyrus whispered.
TJ let out a little breath, glancing around them. Everyone in line were either talking to their friends or on their phones, a quiet excitement buzzing through the crowd. But absolutely no one was paying attention to two boys holding hands. No one knew their names or faces. No one cared. They were all there for the same reason and nothing else mattered.
"We're okay," TJ whispered, smiling at Cyrus again and quickly losing himself in the golden flecks in Cyrus's eyes.
Cyrus smiled back, one hand cautiously reaching up and cupping TJ's cheek, thumb tracing a line of freckles down his cheek.
"You two are so cute together!" A girl with pink hair commented from behind them, a bright and open smile on her face.
Cyrus pulled his hand away, cheeks flushing as he looked back at the stranger. TJ almost froze up, almost yanked his hand away from Cyrus and folded in on himself, letting his angry frown envelope his face. But he didn't. With all the strength he had, he squeezed Cyrus's hand and gave the girl a small smile.
"He's the cute one," TJ muttered, looking back to his boyfriend.
Cyrus's heart started racing, butterflies swirling intensely through him as he rested his head on TJ's shoulder. "Thanks," he ended up telling the girl.
"Yeah, of course!" She said. "I have a girlfriend, actually, so it's always nice to see other proud queer people out in public."
She went back to her friends then, but Cyrus and TJ kept smiling at each other, their hands still joined in a tight grasp. They didn't need to speak to know they were thinking the same thing. They were safe. They were free. Even if it was just for the night, it was enough.
They waited in line for about a half hour before doors opened and the line slowly started filtering into the venue. Cyrus showed them the tickets and they got stamps on their hands marking their underage status before they rushed inside, TJ's smile huge and bright on his face.
"We're here!" TJ said. "We're actually fucking here!"
He practically dragged Cyrus through the venue and down to the quickly growing pit of people in front of the stage. They weren't the closest to the stage, but they were close enough for a decent view, and managed to land right in the middle. TJ was practically vibrating, every little yell and voice heard above the music pumping through the speakers making his head whip around.
"TJ!" Cyrus said. "The show doesn't start for another hour."
"I know!" He said with a laugh. "I'm just… excited. And happy. So so happy." He paused, eyes landing on Cyrus with a look that made Cyrus feel like they were the only ones in the room. "Thank you," TJ said. "For all of this. And for… being patient."
"Theo," Cyrus murmured, returning his smile. "You know, I'm not exactly ready to be out at school yet either."
"Not school," TJ whispered. "I know you wanna tell your parents. And I know you would've told them sooner if not for me."
Cyrus immediately started shaking his head and TJ squeezed his hand to stop him. "Cyrus!" He said, frowning a little at the shorter boy. "I know. I know you. And I want you to know how much it means to me."
Cyrus sighed softly, finally nodded a little. "You're worth it, " he said softly. The butterflies in his stomach somehow tripled as he continued, threatening to burst out of his chest. "I'm convinced I'd do anything for you at this point."
TJ felt his cheeks grow hot, a deep blush creeping over them as he took a step towards Cyrus. And then he was studying his boyfriend's face again, trying to remember every detail of how he looked in the colored lights of the dark venue. "Tonight is gonna be the best night of my life," he vowed after a minute of silence.
"It hasn't even started yet," Cyrus said.
"Doesn't matter. I just know."
They stayed half leaning against each other, talking and joking in quiet whispers as if no one else was around, until the music faded out and the lights changed, a cheer erupting through the crowd. A couple minutes later, the opening band took the stage and TJ and Cyrus started dancing along despite not knowing a single word. They lost themselves during the first set, both boys just ecstatic at the sudden freedom they were experiencing.
But when the opener left the stage, the low buzz of excitement in the crowd suddenly spiked and the people standing behind TJ and Cyrus started pushing forward. For a minute, Cyrus's chest constricted but then TJ squeezed his hand and a long breath left him as his chest loosened and his feet stayed grounded. Nothing else mattered because he was with TJ and they were holding hands and no one was judging them or making them ashamed of who they were.
A low rumble went through the crowd and the floor started vibrating with music as the band took the stage and then TJ was screaming as loud as everyone else in the room, throwing his and Cyrus's joined hands into the sky. Then he was shouting along to Let's Get Married, jumping recklessly along with the crowd. Cyrus tried to keep up, but noticed himself watching TJ much more than the band, wanting to hold onto the look on his boyfriend's face for forever.
TJ knew every song and Cyrus knew much less, but it didn't matter, he was still having just as much fun. They never let go of each other's hands, as sweaty as they got and as much as they were jumping around.
TJ's heart kept pounding and he was exhausted, but adrenaline kept pushing him through, kept him jumping and shouting every single word. When Wild Heart started, Cyrus had a wide smile on his face and he started watching TJ again, waiting for when his boyfriend would look back. He'd had a plan from the minute he bought the tickets, and he wasn't gonna let the night end without going through it.
Everyone was calmer, still singing along, but swaying instead of jumping and TJ finally looked back at Cyrus, eyes bright and smile lighting his face as he sang. It only took Cyrus a second before the courage he'd been quietly building up for the last three weeks surged through him and then he was kissing TJ, the music pumping through them and their hearts a steady beat matching up with the drums. TJ's hand moved into Cyrus's hair, his skin feeling like pure electricity everywhere he touched Cyrus. The song was still blaring behind them, filling their heads as their lips moved together. They finally pulled apart after what felt like an eternity, the only sign that it was less than a minute being that the song hadn't come to an end yet.
And TJ and Cyrus just smiled at each other, eyes locked together and catching their breath, completely oblivious to the small crowd around them that was also smiling from what they had just witnessed. They didn't break eye contact until the song ended and the crowd cheered, bringing them back to into the moment. They joined in, yelling and clapping loudly as they faced the stage again.
The show continued pretty much the same as before, though TJ and Cyrus were standing just slightly closer, not leaving even a centimeter of space between them. The entirety of their arms were pressed together and TJ almost had his chin resting on Cyrus's shoulder. They were unabashedly together and they didn't care what anyone thought.
They only separated slightly when the notes that TJ and Cyrus both knew way too well started to play and they looked at each other with wide smiles as the lyrics started.
"I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room. Calling my name and I follow just to find you. I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather."
Cyrus and TJ both screamed at the top of their lungs, looking between the stage and each other and starting to jump along with the rest of the crowd. Their hands were still locked together and they held them up in the air, moving with everyone as the chorus hit.
"I wanna get better!"
The song continued and they kept shouting the lyrics until TJ noticed there were tears in his eyes despite the smile on his face, but for the first time in his life, he didn't care. He felt safe, he felt free, he felt at home. Then he and Cyrus weren't breaking eye contact as they jumped and shouted out the lyrics and both of them had eyes full of tears. And they never believed anything more than the words they screaming.
That's why I'm standing on the overpass, screaming at myself
"I think I'm ready to come out."
There was a stunned silence for a minute after those words were spoken. Those were not the first words he expected to hear when he answered a late night call from his boyfriend.
"Cyrus?" TJ asked. "Are you there?"
"What?" Cyrus replied, realizing he hadn't said a word since his quiet hello a solid minute before. "Yeah, I'm here, just… processing. Processing. Okay. You wanna come out."
"Yeah," TJ said. "At the concert the other night… I loved that. Being able to hold your hand and kiss you in public and not have to worry. I want that all the time, Cyrus. I'm ready. I care about you and I've thought about it and I'm ready."
"Theo," Cyrus said, a little smile playing at his lips. TJ noticed that Cyrus seemed to reserve that name for very specific situations, usually ones where TJ felt more vulnerable, so every time he heard it, his stomach got a rush of butterflies. "At school? Or to our parents? Or both?"
"Parents first," TJ murmured. "Mine are… they're getting better I think. They're talking more than screaming. I think I can talk to them together now, without a fight breaking out. After parents, we'll… see what happens?"
"I think that sounds perfect, TJ," Cyrus said, same gentle smile still firmly in place.
"I'm still scared," TJ admitted, a little crack in his voice betraying any false strength he was still trying to hold onto.
"I know," Cyrus said quickly. "It's okay. I'm here. I'm right beside you and we're in this together. Right?"
The line went silent for a minute, so quiet that Cyrus could hear the breath TJ drew before he spoke again.
"Yeah. Together."
I wanna get better