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Seungyoun has always been good at hiding his emotions.
In elementary school, Seungyoun had smiled at the faces of the kids who he thought were his friends until he’d heard them talking in the bathroom about how they only hung out with him because his family was well off and he always had the best games. They’d commiserated on how annoying they all found him. Seungyoun had gone home and cried by himself in his room for an hour, but he’d been determined not to let anyone know that. Instead he got even louder, even more annoying, as bright and energetic as he could possibly be until eventually those kids decided it wasn’t worth it.
When he’d moved to Brazil to train for football, he had to hide everything. No one was going to want to be around the Korean kid who was too homesick. They would all think that he was weak, that he wasn’t cut out to be there. So he was extra friendly, extra smiley and he worked so hard to get the language down. He learned to be good at making friends, even if there was a language barrier. Seungyoun worked hard at playing too, not wanting to be the person holding a team back. That way no one would know that he sometimes cried while watching the Korean music shows that he spent all day downloading, and his mom would hear all about how well her son was doing and how many friends he’d made and not that he felt empty when he hung up after their calls.
Moving back to Korea had eased that emptiness. He’d had a new goal in mind for becoming an idol, and he held tightly on his determination to make that a reality. Going to an arts school was a great start, and the competition was exhilarating, but it also meant that he couldn’t let anyone see his facade crack. So he reserved practice rooms late in the night and made sure the door was locked when he laid on the floor after practicing hard enough to make every muscle ache. Doubts and fears swallowed him those nights, made him want to sink into the floor and never surface again. He made good friends in high school, a lot of whom were also idol hopefuls, or already idols. But though Jamie sometimes looked at him strangely, none of them saw beyond what Seungyoun wanted them to, their happy go lucky friend.
Auditioning took a toll on Seungyoun. Especially when his friends seemed to have such success at it. He was only a teenager, but he already felt like he was failing whenever he wouldn’t make it. But he’d always smile at dinner with his parents, tell them about how close he’d been to making it and how he knew for sure that he’d make it the next time. At night he’d pull the covers over his head and bury his face into his pillow trying not to be consumed by the thought that he was wasting his parents money, that he threw everything away for a dream that was never going to become a reality.
Then he’d been accepted into YG, and then been told he was going to join a new collaborative group with Yuehua. Seungyoun was excited, he got to put his friend making skills and high energy to good use. He loved Uniq, he loved being with them and performing with them. The members were like family to him, and the fans were so loving. He was the happiest guy in the world, except when he wasn’t. Seungyoun couldn’t figure it out, he had gotten what he wanted, he’d debuted. Sure, they weren’t the most popular group yet, but they had a ton of potential. But there were still doubts in his head and sometimes he’d feel inexplicably empty again. It didn’t make sense that sometimes he’d just lay in his bed curled up in a little ball and feeling awful. So he’d overcompensate the same way he had when he was a kid, no one could say he was sad when he was bouncing off the walls with energy and constantly laughing.
It was Yixuan who figured out Seungyoun first. Uniq as a whole could be a loud group, but sometimes Seungyoun’s laughter was a little too loud, his smiles stretched a little too wide, that he tried a little too hard to be apart of everything. No one else seemed to notice that those nights were the ones where Seungyoun went to bed earlier than the rest of them. Yixuan eyed the 0805 door with consideration, Yibo and Wenhan were playing some game in the living room. Finally he pushed it open, spotting the curled figure of Seungyoun in the bed. Hearing someone come in, Seungyoun quickly scrubbed a hand across his face before turning his head to give Yixuan another wide smile.
“Did you need something ge? I was just watching some videos but I was going to go to bed soon” Seungyoun sat up a little.
Instead of answering, Yixuan sat down on the side of Seungyoun’s bed and just watched him for a moment. When Seungyoun visibly started fidgeting under his gaze he finally spoke, “It’s okay to not be okay.”
“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about ge, what are you talking about?” Seungyoun’s smile cracked slightly.
“I’m saying it’s okay to be sad sometimes, that it’s okay to not be happy all the time. That’s normal, everyone feels like that sometimes. You don’t have to hide it” Yixuan said evenly.
Seungyoun opened his mouth to say something else but the words got caught in his throat. His eyes felt hot and his fingers tightened around the blankets in his lap. Then he was wrapped up in strong arms and the tears that traitorously ran down Seungyoun’s cheeks bled into Yixuan’s t-shirt.
Yibo figured it out next, being his roommate and his birthday twin. Sungjoo had his own suspicions, but Yixuan was also never able to keep a secret from him. Seungyoun was never sure when Wenhan had figured it out, but he accepted it as casually as if he’d known forever.
Things were better. Whenever he’d start to get too loud in interviews, someone would hold his hand, or put a hand on his thigh. If he started being overly obnoxious during practice, Yixuan or Sungjoo would call for a break and they would wrap Seungyoun up in a hug despite any complaints he might have. After what they all knew was a particularly bad day, Yibo would crawl into bed beside him. While it didn’t completely wipe away the feelings, it did make them easier to handle.
For two years, Seungyoun felt like things were going fine.
Then laws changed, and Uniq were put on an indefinite hiatus.
If his doubts had been bad before and during his debut, nothing compared to the desolation after their hiatus was announced. He’d failed, he’d struggled and strived for so long and now his dream was killed before it had even had the chance to get off the ground. Hell, he might never perform on a stage again. It was crushing, and even Seungyoun couldn’t cover that kind of devastation with enough smiles.
What made it harder was that he no longer had his support system. The five members of Uniq were separated, with Yixuan, Wenhan and Yibo doing their own thing in China and Seungyoun and Sungjoo in Korea. He tried to talk to them as much as possible, especially Sungjoo since they were still in the same country. But everyone was busy working on other ventures now that they were no longer promoting together. Their occasional phone calls weren’t enough to ease the weight on Seungyoun’s chest, and he hated making them feel guilty for not being able to be there for him. So the calls got shorter and Seungyoun only told them the good parts, the new music he was making with his friends, or how much fun he was having doing lives on instagram. It was easier that way, for all of them.
Being around his school friends helped a little. Maybe it was easier now that it was harder to hide how he was feeling all the time because he was feeling so much. He was alright with doing it during lives, and when making videos with his friends, but the times in between he couldn’t hold onto his smile. Jamie and Nathan made him talk about it sometimes, when they’d drink and write music and Seungyoun could just spill out what he was feeling without judgement. It eased it somewhat, but he still felt trapped. He was making music but he really couldn’t go anywhere, and his company didn’t seem to know what to do with him.
The company started talking about putting the members of Uniq in competition shows and a small bloom of hope blossomed in Seungyoun’s chest that eased away some of the darkness. Sure, he’d much rather be back with his group, but if that wasn’t going to happen then this would be his only chance at seeing his dream through. So he happily agreed to be included in the lineup for Produce X 101 with two other trainees.
Produce X 101 was simultaneously everything he thought it would be, and nothing at all like he’d thought it would be. It was hard, and long hours even for someone who had spent the last nine years of his life training. Collaborating with other trainees was actually really fun, and it and been a while since Seungyoun had been in a situation where he knew hardly anyone and needed to make friends.
Which was probably why it was easy to fall back on old habits. Seungyoun was labeled as the mood-maker of Produce X 101, someone who was loud and funny and maybe a little bit immature. When the teams constantly rotated around, no one was around Seungyoun long enough to really realize that him getting louder or overly energetic meant something. If anything, everyone seemed relieved that someone could be that upbeat when the rest of them were outwardly worried about if they were going to make the next elimination, were exhausted and despairing over learning dance moves. There were kids so much younger than him on this show, they didn’t need to know that Seungyoun’s anxiety and doubts were just as bad, if not worse than theirs. They needed someone to cheer them on after a hard day, to make them laugh with impressions, to hold them like how Yixuan had done for him.
With every elimination he made it past, his hopes and his doubts grew. By the end of the show his emotions were a tumultuous mess and he was doing his best to keep it together on the final stage. He hadn’t really expected to hear his name called, he’d only just finally made it into the top 10, and all the little doubtful voices in his head telling him that he wasn’t good enough to make it into the final lineup. Then he’d heard his name, at number five, and the elation took over. He couldn’t stop smiling, and for the first time in a long time he felt so incredibly happy. Seungyoun was going to debut again. He was going to debut with people he already considered friends, even if they didn’t have the same bond that he’d had with Uniq.
Seungyoun rode on that elation for days, and it was easy to forget about how bad he’d felt before. Even when the signs, thoughts, and feelings started coming back Seungyoun pushed through. He’d achieved his second chance at being an idol singer, he shouldn’t be feeling bad. He didn’t even realize he was covering it up until the Vlive they all did together. It was easy to sit in the back being silly with Hangyul and Dohyon, to put on smiles and have fun and make everyone smile and laugh. Then no one would know that he was terrified, that all he could think about was the post he’d accidentally read where someone wished he hadn’t been in the debut lineup. Worrying that his members thought he was obnoxious, even as he needed to be loud and happy to cover up that he was breaking down a little.
It didn’t surprise him that Wooseok was the first member of X1 to find out. He’d always been observant, and always noticed Seungyoun. He’d been the first person to hug Seungyoun after he’d started crying on stage during the finale. Wooseok also probably had the most experience with hiding what he was feeling.
After the live, Seungyoun had grinned and told everyone that he’d left something in one of the practice rooms. Trying to keep that easygoing facade on long enough. Because he could already feel the inexplicable panic clawing at his throat. He could hardly breathe as he rushed down the hallway toward the isolated practice room, pushing open the door and staggering inside as he sucked in rushed breaths. He felt like he couldn’t get enough air in his lungs, like his throat was closing up and the world around him was starting to spin. He stumbled, hand going out to steady himself against the mirror, his knees felt weak underneath him. He couldn’t breath, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t see.
“-ngyoun” There was the sensation of warm hands on his face.
“Seungyoun, look at me” That soft voice was Wooseok, and Seungyoun had to fight to focus on his face.
“That’s it, now try to breathe with me alright?” Wooseok’s hands were cupping Seungyoun’s face. Seungyoun watched as he took in a deep breath and tried to control his panicky lungs in order to do the same. Eventually, he was able to match his breathing to Wooseok’s, and the panic ebbed away slowly. He realized at some point that he’d crumpled to the floor, his knees felt a dull pain that must have come from hitting the wooden flooring. Wooseok’s thumbs were tracing soothing patterns on his cheekbones.
“There we go. Better?” Wooseok smiled gently. Seungyoun nodded in response, not trusting his voice just yet.
The two of them shifted so that they were sitting against the mirrors shoulder to shoulder and Wooseok took Seungyoun’s hand in his.
“Please don’t tell the kids” His voice is rough, and he squeezes Wooseok’s hand.
“I’m not going to tell anyone unless you want me to, but I think you at least should tell Seungwoo.” Wooseok tilts his head to rest on Seungyoun’s shoulder.
“I...yeah maybe I should. I don’t want him to worry though, he’s got eight other little gremlins to look after” Seungyoun sighed letting his head rest on top of Wooseok’s.
“He’s only going to worry more if this happens again and he didn’t know about it”
“What if this doesn’t happen again?”
At that Wooseok pulled away to look at Seungyoun, a frown pulling at his lips.
“I get the feeling this wasn’t the first time this has happened, and this isn’t something that just goes away. It helps to talk to someone. That could be me, or Seungwoo, we’d both understand. The kids would probably understand too, but you don’t have to let them know if you don’t want to” Wooseok reached out to smooth Seungyoun’s hair away from his face.
“I know” Seungyoun’s voice was small and his eyes stung a little. It had been so long since he’d had someone take care of him like this. In Uniq, he’d been one of the youngest, so it was more understandable to be looked after. Now he was the second oldest in X1. But it felt really nice.
They sat there for a while longer before they finally got up and made their way back to the dorms. Almost everyone had already gone to bed, but Seungwoo was sprawled on the couch. It was rather obvious he was waiting for them by the way he put his phone down the moment that they came through the door. As he sat up, his eyes immediately went to Seungyoun’s red rimmed ones. For a second he just observed quietly before silently opening his arms.
It took a delicate push to the small of his back by Wooseok, but then Seungyoun was stumbling forward and very nearly collapsing in Seungwoo’s arms. The leader just pulled him in tight, somehow tucking an 183cm Seungyoun into his lap. Seungyoun buried his face in the leader’s shoulder, almost ashamed at how quickly tears sprung to his eyes. He felt Seungwoo press a kiss to his hair as Wooseok settled on the couch beside them, reaching out to run his fingers along Seungyoun’s back.
Later, he told both of them everything. About how he felt sad when he wasn’t supposed to, about the anxiety and worry, about how he didn’t want anyone to see him like that, about how he didn’t want to be a burden to anyone else. Wooseok and Seungwoo just listened, whispering soft reassurances when they felt that Seungyoun needed them. They fell asleep on the couch like that, which wasn’t especially comfortable, especially after Seungyoun accidentally rolled off the couch. But it felt like something had settled inside Seungyoun.
The next live was better, Seungyoun didn’t feel that aching empty feeling and the small smiles that Wooseok and Seungwoo sent him from across the circle helped him to keep steady. It was fun, Seungyoun had always been good at these types of games. He got his choice seat and tried not to look too relieved and happy when Wooseok chose to sit beside him. Everything was good, was better.
The third person to figure out what was going on with Seungyoun did actually surprise him.
It was a couple nights after their second live. Even though they were prepping for their debut, a lot of X1 had been spending time out of the dorms with their families. Seungyoun had found himself alone in his room that night, was contemplating calling Yibo when there was a knock at the door. He’d expected maybe it was Dohyon wanting to play games, or Hangyul asking if he wanted to go grab some food.
He wasn’t exactly expecting Junho to be standing outside his doorway, looking oddly nervous. While Seungyoun liked to think that he was close with all the X1 members, he admittedly hadn’t spent a lot of one on one time with Junho.
“Hey, what’s up?” Seungyoun leaned on the door frame.
“Can I come in, hyung?” Junho fidgeted from foot to foot, and Seungyoun obligingly moved out of the way so he could step inside.
“Come on in” Seungyoun watched him step into the room. Maybe he needed to talk to someone? Usually that person would be Wooseok or Seungwoo, but if both of them were gone then maybe Seungyoun was the next best option.
Seungyoun pulled the door closed behind Junho, giving him privacy if he wanted it. Then he waited quietly because Junho seemed to be gathering his thoughts, chewing at the inside of his cheek.
“I’m...I’m not very good at expressing myself. Everyone called me a robot and I know I’m not very good at lives or shows” Junho held a hand up to stop Seungyoun from protesting, “I’m working on it, Yohan and Eunsang have been helping a lot. But I’m still not...comfortable. I love being on stage and around fans, but I don’t know how to be expressive when we’re in a big group and there’s a camera on me.”
Junho lifted his face to look at Seungyoun, “Which is why I wanted to say thank you, Seungyoun hyung.”
“Why are you thanking me? I didn’t do anything?” Seungyoun laughed softly.
“You’re always making the room brighter and being entertaining to fans. You always make sure we all feel comfortable, and make sure we’re all involved. If we’re ever uncomfortable you always take the attention off us and onto you in a way that makes everyone laugh. Even when you’re down you always make sure everyone else is okay” Junho curls his fingers into the edge of his own shirt, and there’s a faint embarrassed blush on his cheeks. He probably hadn’t expected to say that much.
“How do you know when I’m down?” Seungyoun asked, softer. He’d hadn’t realized Junho had ever paid enough attention to him to realize that there were moments when Seungyoun didn’t feel great.
“Your smile doesn’t really reach your eyes and you...I don’t know how to put it, you just start being..more? Like you’re trying really hard to make up for that.” Junho shrugs.
It’s nothing that Seugnyoun didn’t know about himself, but something inside of him is a little unsettled that Junho noticed.
“I just...wanted to say thank you, and that if...if you ever need someone to talk to I’m here too” Junho offered quietly.
He made a little squeaking noise as Seungyoun wrapped him up in a tight hug, fingers cradling the back of his head as he wrapped him up gently. It only took a few seconds before Junho was hugging him back, arms going around Seungyoun.
“Thank you, I might take you up on that.”
They were an unlikely pair, usually the loudest and quietest in the room respectively. But it worked for them, Seungyoun looked for more ways to involve Junho without making him uncomfortable, and Junho always seemed to sense when Seungyoun wasn’t having a good day. Between him, Wooseok, and Seungwoo, they made sure he was okay.
It wasn’t perfect. If Seungyoun had learned anything by now it was that things were hardly ever perfect. He was still going to feel sad, things were still going to go wrong. But at the end of the day, he had people that cared about him, and who he cared for in return.
That’s really all he could ask for.