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Bathsheba Everdene sat on the bench in front of her house, watching the sun slowly sinking down behind the green fields. The warm orange shine turned golden, providing her with the day's last warmth which was fought by the cool December wind. She tucked her scarf around her body more firmly, and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear as a few snow flakes swriled around her.
Her farm had been doing well this year, it was the second year her husband Francis had disappeared. At the beginning she had been sad, only to find now that she didn't miss him. She missed being held and being kissed but not particularly by him. She had made the mistake of believing him when he had told her he loved her. After all, his heart had belonged to another, Fanny Robin.
Bathsheba had realised that she had been so focused on protecting her independence that she had made the wrong choice all together. In the end she had imprisoned herself in a marriage that lacked both; love and trust. Her mind wandered out to a certain gentleman whose nature presented the exact opposite of her husband's. A man she wished she could have loved earlier. William Boldwood.
The man whose expression always seemed to soften whenever he beheld her. Whose smile would always comfort her. He had been nothing but gentle and kind since they had first met and she had rejected his proposal and broke his heart in the process. She remembered the pained look on his face and the way he had tried to smile it away. He hadn't wanted to burden her with his unrequited feelings. He had left and suffered alone, quietly. It made her feel terrible, monstrous even. A good man had offered her anything she could have wanted and she had played with him, too young and too convinced of her line of thinking to understand the depth of it all. Now she did. Here she was, all alone with Gabriel Oak gone after she had fired him and her husband disappeared, probably dead. Somewhere deep in her heart Bathsheba had known that one day they were going to despise her for who she was. Men couldn't deal with a woman who handled things on her own and lived for her freedom. By now, she asked herself why she had thought it could be different with Francis Troy. The wind blew stronger and she shivered briefly as she saw a person appraoching her out of the corner of her eye.
Boldwood stopped beside her for a moment, his eyes taking her in her form, thinner than a year ago, dressed completely in black. She looked so small in that moment that he wanted nothing else but to hold her and utter gentle words of reassurance to her. But he knew she wouldn't want him to and she knew he would never dare. They stared at each other for a second before she smiled and he smiled back as he took off his jacket.
“You must be cold, Miss Everdene.“
She didn't say anything about him using her maiden name and she didn't protest when he placed his jacket around her shoulders. He had refused to call her Misses Troy from the beginning. She figured it must be his way of showing his disapproval of her marriage. And she was not wrong. Boldwood was aware that it was foolish but he had convinced himself of the fact that if he could keep up the illusion of her still being free, then perhaps it would not hurt as much. He was wrong, though. Ever since she had turned down his proposal he had lived in constant pain. Whenever he beheld her, his heart seemed to jump in joy, only to break a little more right afterwards. It was as though a part of him couldn't help but try to look for a connection, no matter how often the circumstances reminded him of what could never be. He had tried to forget her. He had failed. And when her husband had disappeared two years ago, the fact that he had felt a strong burn of hope inside his chest had made him think even less of himself. If he truly loved her he should have been devastated that she was on her own now. And he was. Yet, this sadness was always accompanied by the bone deep wish to be the one to take her husband's place. He sat down next to her, watching the sunset side by side.
“Thank you, Mister Boldwood. You're too kind.“
He had to close his eyes for a moment as the old yet dreadful pain moved through him once more. He could not allow her to cause him another sleepless night by just saying a friendly word to him. He had spend the past years after her wedding trying to convince himself that he had lost her and yet, he had not managed to kill the weak light of hope which remained inside his heart. So, he smiled as he always did when he was with her and said nothing.
“What brings you here?“, she asked and she watched as he straightened his posture before speaking.
“I had wished to talk to you, actually.“ He smiled shyly and tried to gather his courage.
He wanted to let her know that he would be here for her if she only let him.
They had danced together, only six days ago on Christmas day and he had held her with such care, had looked down at her with such fondness, it had made her feel warm. She had left abruptly afterwards, unsure. Something had changed between them, at leat for her. She had felt safe in his arms, a safety she had rejected time and time again, refusing to have a man as her protector when she didn't need, neither wanted to be protected. But now his smile was comforting. His embrace was welcome and his voice was suddenly all she wanted to hear. But, no. She had no right to lead him on. She had done so once in the past, and had caused him the most abominable pain. A man as good as him didn't deserve such treatment.
“Yes?“, she asked and turned to look at him. He turned as well, his eyes finding hers.
“Excuse me, I may overstep a boundary. But I have struggled over the past year and now I cannot...I cannot help myself any longer.“
She held her breath. She knew that look on his face for she had seen it before.
“It pains me to know you are up here, all by yourself. Alone. It is not that I doubt your ability to handle your business as well as your life perfectly. It is just that...“ He stopped and his gaze seemed to beg her to understand. She could read his love in his eyes, it was clear as day. It scared her but only a little. William Boldwood was nothing like Francis Troy. He was more sincere, more honest.
It felt very much like a dream, yet he knew how it was going to end. It was surreal and yet, he could not stop himself. And if he twisted the blade a little deeper in his heart, it didn't matter. He was done for. But he would be doomed if he gave up. Even now that she was married. Even now that she had lost her husband to endless possibilities.
“It is not my intention to plague you. But I feel my heart break at the thought of you spending your life all alone when you are loved. So much.“ He reached out and gently took her hand in his, warming her skin with his.
“And by no one more than me“, he added in a whisper, his breath forming clouds in the cold air, white in front of orange sunlight.
Bathsheba felt a sudden impact inside her chest at his words. He had never stopped loving her; after everything she had done, he still had her best interests at heart. She didn't deserve a man like him.
“Mister Boldwood-“
“I'm aware, you are a married woman. And I have no right to assume that I know anything about your life. But ever since he...disappeared, my thoughts have been with you. And it pains me to know that there is no one here to hold you. No one to stand by your side and to be there when you need them. You deserve happiness, Miss Everdene.“
Before she could say anything, he lifted her hand to his lips and breathed a kiss onto her knuckles. She shivered but not because of the cold.
“I love you“, he spoke against her skin before he looked up at her once more. “I respect you and I would never treat you as a conquest but as a significant other. I have told you before that I don't expect love in return. Just allow me to be near you. It will be enough.“
He closed his eyes briefly, scolding himself for exposing his selfish desires like this. She had every right to reject him again and it was probably what he deserved. A single dance on Christmas day and he ran after her like dog. But he couldn't have stopped himself. She didn't need him, he knew that much. But perhaps, she would want him one day. Or at least, she wouldn't feel bothered by his presence.
He almost startled when he felt her grabbing his hand in both of hers. When she began to move her fingers tenderly up and down his skin, Boldwood thought he might die. She was touching him, willingly. She leant forward, their faces only inches apart and he felt the warmth of her breath against his chin. He swallowed and closed his eyes, keeping himself from doing something he might regret. This closeness was dangerous.
“I am so sorry“, she whispered and he opened his eyes to look at her once more. Tears were filling her beautiful eyes and he felt guilty. Was he only adding to her pain?
“I rejected you and I broke your heart. I...I played with you. I was so cruel to you.“ She let out a pained sob and it took all his restrain not to take her into his arms. Her hands held on tighter to his. “Please, don't. Don't apologise. It is alright.“
“I let you suffer. I married another and I let you watch.“
He shook his head.
“It is not your fault that you don't feel for me as I feel for you.“
After letting out another sob, she looked up at him through the layers of her tears.
“But I do now. I do.“ He froze. His insides seemed to fall a thousand feet deep. His brows furrowed in confusion and his damaged heart stuttered, burning with hope.
“I don't know when it changed but...I feel, I know it is true. The whole time I was so focused on keeping my freedom and proving myself that I couldn't see love when it was right in front of me the whole time. I let my ambitions blind me. And I ignored the way you looked at me. I pretended not to notice your kindness and affection. Somehow it grew on me and after my marriage I couldn't help but compare my husband to you. I kept thinking what you would do were you in his place. And I realised he didn't love me. At first I thought it didn't matter but everytime you would look at me and smile I felt happier, lighter.“ Her voice had dropped to a whisper, her words flowing into their shared space. He didn't take his eyes off her, not even once. His expression was soft and loving.
“And then, only a few days ago when we danced, you held me and I felt safe. I knew you would be there if I asked you to. And I never wanted you to stop looking at me like you did, with so much love. With all that love I rejected and don't deserve anymore.“
“No, don't say that.“ He leant forward, closing the gap between them by carefully touching his forehead to hers.
“You deserve all the love I hold for you. And I will spend the rest of my life giving it to you. If only you let me.“ He brought up their joined hands, kissing hers once again.
“Please, please, allow me.“, he breathed as his lips caressed her cold skin.
She wanted to laugh. But she knew that he would misunderstand, so she let out a sigh of happiness before she raised her head to look into his eyes.
“Yes.“
As the sun disappeared below the horizon, they shared a smile and let a new year begin. Together.