Work Text:
“What do you wanna get for dinner?”
“I know a really good sushi place?”
“Allergic to seaweed.”
“Hahaha! What, really? I did not know that about you.”
“Yeah, well, there’s a lotta shit you don’t know,”
“Keeping secrets already, huh? Alright, let’s see. For every secret you keep from me, you gotta relinquish another one. Why don’t you finally tell me about that time you got arrested?”
“What! Bullshit, then you’re under the same rules.”
“Fine. I am deathly allergic to peanuts.”
“I already knew that dipshit.”
“Ugh, okay. Hmm… I don’t know. I can’t think of anything. Sometimes I go commando?”
“Oh, what?! That is such a shock, I never saw that coming at all, you, a twenty year old guy, goes commando, call the presses.”
“Oh, shut up. A bunch of twenty year olds go commando, but I meant like, out in public and stuff. Not just to class.”
“Hot.”
“Hush. I told you a secret, now you tell me one! I want to hear how you got arrested. Come on, bad boys turn me on, tell meee.”
“Well when you put it that way…”
“Dave.”
“Okay! So when I was sixteen I went through a rebellious phase like any self-respecting teenager. I got into graffiti, got good at it too. And you know, my mom lives in the middle of the fuckin’ forest, civilization is miles out, so I’d practice in like old abandoned cabins and lodges and whatever concrete I could find, and sometimes I’d go into the city and find the most broken down or private places I could and graffiti there.
“My best friend at the time was this chick, Bridgette, and she was like a year older than me but her family was poor and lived in a kind of bad area in the city on the other side of the forest, farther away. That city, like, there was one guy that just kind of owned most of the property and big businesses in the area and he kept trying to buy the land their house was on so her family didn’t like him much. But one day, he sets up this big, ugly billboard on the same street, and she hated it. So she tells me, like, it’s this giant billboard with an awful picture of him so I go ‘Aight, let’s do something about this.’ So we wait until a holiday weekend, I don’t remember what it was but everyone gets drunk and parties and then passes out, so we go that night before all the clubs are closed, and we get a ladder and I fucking graffiti over that sign.
“You don’t just go out and commit a crime in your day clothes, though, so Bridgette got us some disguises, and made me wear this black wig and colored contacts and used one of her bras and stuffed it, so if anyone saw me they’d think I was a chick. She didn’t know how to graffiti so she just stayed down there and held the ladder. And I was almost completely done with it, sprayed over the dude’s face and some other stuff, when we heard people nearby. Bridgette like tries to tell me to get down so I start grabbing whatever I can and shoving it in my bag, trying to be quiet but it’s too late, the guy’s already seen us and it’s a cop, only the only reason he’s in the area is cuz I guess some dude had been drunk driving and he’s trying to get him in handcuffs and he can’t come get us, the drunk would get away!
“So I tear down the ladder, leave half my paint up there and Bridgette’s already running, she can’t get arrested her family wouldn’t be able to pay the bail. Neither of us bothers with the ladder, the cop’s finally got his guy in handcuffs and is starting after us so we tear the hell out of there, paint fucking clinking in my bag all the way it’s so annoying, first chance I get I throw it in a dumpster and we run for like four blocks with this cop yelling, trying to get backup and grab at least one of us.
“Bridgette almost gets caught. She ain’t nearly as fast as me and the cop catches up to her and I’m pumpin’ adrenalin so hard, I cut him off and stand in front of him ((as he keeps running)) cuz he hasn’t seen me yet, barrels right into me and we hit the ground and Bridgette gets the hell outta there while the cop’s like freaking out and punches me, shoves me face-first into the ground and handcuffs me. They never catch her and he knows it’s a lost cause so he just drags me off to the police station and when my mom gets there in the morning I’m still sitting in the wig and bra under my tanktop.”
“Wait, hold up. If the cop was almost getting her, and you were basically free, why did you stop running?”
“Because I didn’t want her to get arrested. Told you dude, my mom could get bail, she couldn’t.”
“I see. You’re such a gentleman, always sticking up for your lady friends.”
“Yeah, whatever. Can we get dinner now?”
EB: rose, what qualifies as a “date”?
TT: I would say that’s largely subjective.
EB: i am asking because dave and i just went to whole foods for spaghetti. we came back to his place and cooked it, but he was being really flirty the whole time we were out.
TT: I thought the two of you were already in a relationship?
TT: It is my understanding that couples do occasionally flirt with one another.
EB: they go on dates too, though.
EB: but i guess you’re right! it would seem kind of silly for that to be a date.
TT: That’s not what I said.
TT: If you want it to be a date and believe it was then it was, simple as that.
TT: Maybe you should ask Dave if it was a date.
TT: I think he would know better than me.
EB: well, he did tell me about the time he got arrested.
EB: that doesn’t usually happen on dates, so i don’t think i will embarrass myself by even asking.
TT: If you say so.
EB: i wonder how she convinced him to wear a stuffed bra.
EB: bridgette, i mean.
TT: Are you talking about when David was arrested?
EB: yeah. why, has he worn a bra other times?
TT: Well yes, but that certainly wasn’t a part of this particular story.
TT: What exactly did he tell you?
EB: that he graffitied a billboard with a jackass’s face on it for a poor girl he was friends with?
TT: Fascinating.
TT: I can assume everything he told you about Bridgette was true, at least.
EB: you would know better than i would, i guess.
EB: what actually happened, then?
TT: Bridgette was fired from her job so my brother exacted revenge by traveling there and stealing a shopping cart in plain view of the manager.
EB: he got arrested for stealing a shopping cart? wouldn’t that only get you a fine?
TT: I’m not sure of the exact details but I believe in the end it was because the officer already knew and disliked dearest David.
EB: oh my god! i have to tease him about this.
EB: and get some of those other stories from him.
TT: If it helps, he really was a graffiti artist. He simply never got arrested for it.
EB: that’s kind of hot.
EB: did any of his stuff get painted over? maybe i could convince him to show me.
TT: I’m not sure. I only know a few of the places he worked.
EB: i should ask him about it!
TT: I’m sure it will be interesting, to say the least.