Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ian wasn’t trying to eavesdrop. He was just going to Hana’s room to surprise her with tournament practice, because she had come down with some unspecified illness which was neither very contagious nor fun to experience, and Mai had been borderline threatening various of their friends into visiting to cheer her up. She had also insisted he not tell Hana he was coming over, to preserve the nice-surprise aspect, which is why he stopped just outside the door when he heard the two girls conversing and caught his own name. It wasn’t even just that he wanted to know what she was saying; there were few more awkward situations he could think of in life than walking in on people talking about him. …Also he did very much want to know what it was.

The door had been left cracked open, probably so they wouldn’t have to get up and let him in when he arrived, and he sidled closer until he could make out what was happening inside. He missed what Mai said about him, but caught Hana’s response to it.

“You’re doing what? Doesn’t that seem a little… unethical?”

Well, he didn’t like the sound of that. He then went on to not like the sound of a lot of other things, like mentions of himself and Caddy, and a betting pool, and basically every single one of their mutual friends in competition to, quote, “make those stubborn idiots admit they’re in love.” The sheer scale of this betrayal was incredible. He realized the conversation had ended and Mai was about to leave the room just in time to quietly step back and pretend he was only just walking up to the door.

“Oh, hey!” Mai greeted him in what she probably thought was a whisper. “Go on in, I bet she’ll be happy to see you.” Ian just nodded at her and went in, not trusting himself to respond without saying something snarky and giving away the fact he’d been listening in.

Hana was, in fact, both surprised and happy to see him, but if he wasn’t imagining things, she was also a bit awkward talking to him. It was suddenly difficult to focus on what he was doing- he was only holding his own against her because, one, he could play this game in his sleep- had seen it in his dreams quite a few times, actually, which probably wasn’t healthy- and two, she wasn’t exactly at her best right now either. Maybe he should tell her what he overheard, see if he had misunderstood and that conversation hadn’t really been about the terrible, terrible idea it had sounded like. On the other hand, if he said anything to her she’d end up telling Mai later, and everyone would probably just move on to a different shitty plan to get him to kiss a guy who hated him. Right now he at least knew more than they thought he did- and maybe if he played his cards right, he could get people to leave them both alone about this for good.

First, he needed to talk to Caddy. He might or might not be inclined to cooperate, but it was only decent to warn him about the fuckery that lay in their future regardless. Problem was, he’d blocked Ian on every possible form of communication for spamming him with annoying bullshit at three in the morning, and he wasn’t about to have this conversation in the club group chat. In Ian’s defense, it was really boring not being able to sleep when his roommate had actually gone to bed at a normal time for once and he couldn’t do anything that would wake him up, and Caddy was, as ever, really fun to annoy.

All of this meant that if he wanted to talk to him, he was going to have to actually talk to him, in person. Which would probably involve getting yelled at to some degree, based on how pretty much every interaction between the two of them had ever gone. So that was going to be… fun.

He reached the right room in under a minute, given that it was just a bit down the hall, then hesitated in front of the door for another three. When he finally knocked, the door was opened by Jeff. Damn it. Fortunately, Ian was by then leaning on the doorframe, so at least he didn’t look any less unperturbed.

“Hey. Can you let me in and then leave?”

“Sure, no problem!” Jeff attempted to wink at him on his way out. Real subtle, Jeff.

Caddy spun in his desk chair to face him, looking mostly unimpressed (by Ian) and slightly betrayed (by Jeff, who did not have permission to do this to him). “The hell are you doing in my room?”

“Nice to see you too.” Ian closed the door and lowered his voice, going straight to the point in the interest of getting to it before he was inevitably kicked out. “So, Jeff is definitely acting kinda weird, right? Like, he doesn’t normally wink at me when I come over here to bother you.”

Caddy started to disagree on principle, but then his brain caught up with his mouth. “Uh… yeah, actually.” Now that he thought about it… “He’s been like that all day.”

“Well, I know why, and you’re not gonna like it.” Ian perched on the edge of his desk and explained what he’d heard earlier, thankful to Jeff for making his story less absurd-sounding.

“Oh what the fuck,” Caddy said loudly. Ian winced, giving him a “keep it down” hand motion. Caddy made a face at him, but stopped shouting. “So why tell me this, assuming it’s even true? I doubt it’s got anything to do with being a decent person.” He crossed his arms. “I mean, if you hadn’t said anything you’d at least get the amusement of watching me wonder what the hell is going on out of it. I’m not going to go tell them off for you, if that’s what you’re thinking. I don’t--” He stopped abruptly due to the fact that Ian’s hand was covering his mouth, and glared at him.

“If you can shut up for two seconds and let me finish,” Ian said, taking his hand back, “I was about to tell you my genius plan to stop this before it starts.”

A little put out that Ian’s hand hadn’t stayed where it was long enough for him to lick it, which would have been what he deserved, he made a reluctant “go ahead” motion. “The floor is yours for however long you can avoid saying anything stupid.”

“So, basically, we’re going to pretend we’re dating.”

“…The floor is no longer yours. That’s the stupidest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Come on, at least hear me out.” He was not immediately told to shut up, which he decided to take as agreement. “We’d only have to stick with it long enough to make sure everyone’s actually convinced we’re together and not, like, messing with them.”

“But we are messing with them.” Just because he was listening didn’t mean he wasn’t going to be difficult about it.

“Yeah, obviously, but they’re not supposed to think that, keep up.” Ian rolled his eyes. “Anyway, once we’ve sold them on it, we can just stage a fight and break up, and then they’ll all get that us being together is a terrible idea, and they won’t bother us about it anymore.”

He didn’t look particularly convinced.

“If you’ve got any better ideas- that won’t just get them even more convinced we’re denying our feelings for each other or whatever- feel free to bring them up now. Because trust me, I don’t love the idea of pretending to be in love with you, either, but it’s kinda all I’ve got.” Ian leaned back and folded his arms to wait for a response.

Caddy leaned his elbows on the desk, put his head in his hands and sighed loudly. Dramatically, even, although Ian decided not to comment in favor of preserving whatever chance he had at getting him to agree. When he looked up, his expression was one of resignation.

“Oh, whatever. Purely in the interest of our friends not driving me insane… we can give your unspeakably stupid idea a try. Although I really can’t emphasize enough how-”

“Alright, I get it,” Ian cut him off. “Shake on it and I’ll get out of your room, and we can talk about the details once you unblock me on Discord.”

They shook hands, and then Caddy pulled his phone out and made a show of unblocking Ian. “This is strictly for business reasons, Moosey. Send me any more links to videos of people dancing around dressed like vegetables, or whatever nonsense it is this time, and you’re going to have to start writing me letters.”

“That’s not a very nice thing to say to your boyfriend.”

“Oh my god, get out before I change my mind.”

“O kay, okay, I’m going.” He made it all the way to having his hand on the door handle before turning to shoot a dry smirk over his shoulder. “Love you~!”

He ducked into the hallway just in time to avoid an eraser to the head, and was not oblivious to Jeff’s eyes on him as he walked away wearing a faint smile.

Chapter Text

Ian wasn’t sure what he had expected. A moment of peace in his own room? Surely not- not as long as he shared it with Luke, at least. He wouldn’t be surprised if the whole setting-them-up scheme had been his idea in the first place. As soon as Ian opened the door, he sat up on his bed and slipped his headphones off, smiling at him in a way Ian did not quite trust under the circumstances.

“Hey, ah, where’ve you been all afternoon? Doing anything exciting?” He raised his eyebrows as if he knew what the answer was, but Ian was pretty sure the real answer didn’t warrant an expression like that.

“I was hanging out with Hana. I told you when I left.” With luck, his tone would make it clear that he was not open to further questioning, but Ian rarely had that kind of luck.

Luke raised his eyebrows harder, and it was honestly a little impressive. Or scary. Ian wasn’t sure. “Really? ‘Cause Jeff told me you were over there talking to Caddy, and you made him wait in the hall. And when he asked Caddy what you two were talking about after you left, he just made a weird face at him and told him to mind his own business. So are you gonna explain that, or-”

“No? You mind your own business.” Ian scoffed and started pretending to do something or other at his desk, which conveniently involved turning away from Luke. “You can wait and find out tomorrow like everybody else.”

From the corner of his eye, he saw Luke perk up and start texting again. It was possible he should not have said that. Then again, if it made Jeff start pestering Caddy again, that wasn’t exactly Ian’s problem, was it? It was only fair as long as he had to deal with Luke.

 Morning came much too quickly and yet not fast enough. Ian had trouble sleeping, between worrying about pulling everything off convincingly and the fact that Luke stayed up playing games and wouldn’t stop asking him who he was texting. He eventually hid under a blanket to get away from him, and then taped a piece of paper with “Go Away” written on it to the side of his bed for good measure. When it was time to get up, he was annoyed, tired, and about to have to pretend to be in love with Caddy, none of which made for a very good start to his day.

And, speak of the devil- he’d apparently messaged the group chat at six A.M. like some kind of morning person, calling for a club meeting over breakfast- Ian did vaguely remember agreeing to that, but still, really? First thing in the morning? At least the early hour and his lack of sleep might give him an excuse for the mood he was going to be in. …Well, that, and the fact that tired grumpiness was basically just his personality at this point.

Not until he actually arrived at the spot outside the school where they had chosen to convene did Ian realize it wasn’t just Hidden Block members who’d shown up. Both clubs were gathering, and even Hana and Mai- the latter being far too loud and cheerful for this early in the morning. Ian sat down in the damp grass with a muffin and leaned against the wall, looking around and watching everyone pretend they hadn’t been staring at him. Funny how he was already the center of attention when Caddy’s message hadn’t mentioned him at all, except it wasn’t actually funny so much as suspicious and annoying. The muffin was slowly picked apart in his hands, with the odd piece occasionally making it into his mouth- he wasn’t nervous, okay, not about something this stupid and fake, he just wasn’t much of a breakfast person. It was more an issue of apathy towards mediocre baked goods than of needing something to do with his hands, really.

He startled out of half-dozing and almost knocked his head on the wall when he was very unexpectedly presented with something else to do with his hands. Or one of them, at least. Specifically, Caddy had showed up while he wasn’t looking, sat down next to him and started holding it. It took some restraint to not ask him what the hell he was doing. Instead, Ian sat up a bit and looked over, giving him a smile that hopefully didn’t look as fake as it felt.

As if everyone’s full attention weren’t already on them, Caddy cleared his throat. “So, I, or rather we, have something to tell you all- Ian, stand up.” He was trying to do so himself, because addressing a bunch of standing people from the ground felt strange, but Ian refused to move and also refused to let go of his hand. Hey, if he wanted to hold hands, he should have been prepared to commit to it.

“No,” said Ian, and threw a muffin crumb at him. He sighed and sat down again, stealing a bite in a weak attempt at retaliation.

“So, as I was saying.” Caddy smiled up at everyone as if none of that had happened. “I suppose you may be able to tell at this point, but- Ian and I had a talk last night, and, well…” He held up their linked hands and pretended they hadn’t just briefly devolved into competing on who could crush each other’s hand better. “We’ve started… dating.”

If anyone could tell he was forcing the words out with difficulty, they didn’t show it. Ian turned his dubious smile in the direction of their friends as they cheered for the new “couple,” and the fact that the unresolved tension everyone was apparently convinced existed between them would finally be over. There were various repetitions of “I told you!” from Luke and Jeff, and someone muttered something disappointed about not getting to try their great plan before someone else hissed at him that they weren’t supposed to know about that.

Mai was definitely the loudest, though. First, she made a noise like a teakettle for a solid five seconds, and then she pushed through to the front of the group and exclaimed, “Now kiss!”

“No,” they said together, and then a jumble of “We’re not, I’m not, don’t tell me what to do, not happening… uh, yet?”

They looked at each other, both definitely turning red, and looked away.

Mai squealed again. Hana was attempting to pull her back and tell her to stop embarrassing them, to which she finally, reluctantly acquiesced, only because they should all be getting to class anyway. Caddy pulled his hand away at the first opportunity as soon as they got up- neither of them had ever been happier to be in different classes, which was saying something. It took an effort of will for Ian to avoid wiping his hand on his jacket pointedly as they went their separate ways.

 Unfortunately for Ian, he quickly remembered that although he didn’t have class with Caddy, he did have class with Luke and Mai, which was arguably worse. Any time he drifted into thought and stopped paying attention- which, with the state of his sleep schedule, was most of the time- Luke was nudging him and saying something along the lines of “the teacher is looking at you, quit daydreaming about your boyfriend.” Which was actually sort of helpful if he didn’t want said teacher mad at him, but still, shut up, Luke. And even though Mai didn’t sit all that close to him, he could feel her eyes on him, and he just knew she was giggling and whispering to Hana about how cute it all was. In short, he was beginning to wonder if he could actually stand to keep this up long enough for it to work.

He didn’t retain a single piece of information that morning, and when lunchtime finally arrived, he walked out of the classroom and directly into Caddy. Who was standing there waiting, slightly out of breath as if he’d run over just to make sure Ian didn’t get a minute to himself, grinning at him in a way he absolutely could not stand.

“Oh, what do you want?” he groaned automatically. Caddy’s smile only got wider.

“That’s not a very nice thing to say to your boyfriend,” he said, a saccharine echo of Ian’s teasing last night. “I only wanted to walk you to the cafeteria, dear, shouldn’t I be able to do that? Since we’re dating and all?”

“Don’t call me dear, you sound like my grandma.” Ian took his offered hand with a rather murderous look. Once they’d started walking and no one was too close by, Caddy leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“Or… you could admit that this was a terrible plan and you’re an idiot, give it up, and we can just, I don’t know, tell our friends that we don’t actually like each other in the slightest and we’re going to be very angry about it if they try to get us together against our will?”

Ian considered this. “…Nah.”

“Why the hell not? Is this not embarrassing enough for you? Or are you just that invested in making me suffer with you?”

“Yeah, actually.” He smirked and leaned in closer. “Darling.”

The reaction he got with that was instant and disgusted. Caddy all but shoved him away. “Eugh. Okay, you- absolute stubborn bastard- I won’t call you dear if you never say that again, alright? That’s just awful.”

“Fine, deal. Now, can we, like… actually go to lunch?”

Caddy looked around, realized they were the only ones left in the hallway, and flushed slightly in embarrassment. “Right.”

 Lunch was… an experience.

The two had been saved seats next to each other, which placed them in convenient range to surreptitiously kick each other under the table whenever they were annoyed. They were frequently annoyed, and about half the time they missed and kicked someone else instead. That would have been fine, since they all deserved it anyway, except for the questions it tended to lead to. Such as “dude, why’d you just kick me?” for example.

They were also aware that everyone was still watching them. Honestly, even if they hadn’t been faking everything about their relationship, that would have make them nervous. As it was, they spent most of their time trying to work out how much they could avoid looking at each other without raising concerns. With fifteen minutes left before they were to go back to class, Caddy decided he’d had enough of it. He stood up, grabbed the back of Ian’s jacket, and pulled him out of the cafeteria and into the hall with a vague “excuse us” to everyone else and no explanation whatsoever.

“Uh, what was that about?” Ian asked, just before getting pushed into a closet.

“We need to talk,” Caddy finally said after closing the door. Neither of them could see anything, and there wasn’t much space left, between all the cleaning supplies that belonged there and the two teenagers, who, Ian had to point out, did not. Caddy could feel the look he was being given despite the darkness, and amended, “We needed to talk privately.”

Ian looked around, which was a thoroughly useless activity. “Well, you’ve got that taken care of, I guess, since everyone will probably assume we’re just making out in here, or something.”

Caddy was suddenly much less annoyed by the lack of light. How could Ian say that so casually, as if the image didn’t bother him at all? Well, he could be unbothered, too. He hadn’t made a sound of horror just now, it was… his shoes had squeaked on the floor, that was all. “Um… yes. That’s exactly what I was thinking,” he agreed, in a perfectly normal and not at all strained tone of voice.

As it turned out, lying to himself did nothing to alter Ian’s perception of events.

He sighed. “Seriously, dude? How is anyone going to believe this for long if you can’t stand the thought of kissing me?”

“I’ll get used to it,” he defended. “…Eventually.”

“You realize the longer it takes you to get used to it, the longer we’re going to have to keep up this charade in order for people to think it’s an actual… serious, y’know, romantic thing. At this rate we’re going to be “dating” for the next-”

Caddy reached out blindly in the direction of Ian’s voice, and was satisfied to hear his voice cut off along with the sound of various things being almost knocked over. “Fine,” he snapped. “If you’re so concerned about it, I’ll come to your room later and we can practice.”

Ian paused, just a little too long to be completely casual, and his voice came out a little strange. Ha. “Fine then. I’ll be waiting.”

“Fine.”

“Fine!”

“Now let’s get out of this stupid closet before someone comes looking for us.” Yes, going into the stupid closet in the first place had been his idea. It was still unpleasant to be in, and it wasn’t like that was his fault. Someone should have put more thought into the comfort of students having secretive conversations inside.

Caddy put his hand on the door, then paused. If they were supposedly making out in here, they might as well try to sell it. He ruffled his own hair, which changed very little about its level of neatness, then reached for Ian again, felt around awkwardly until he located his head- why was he so tall, was that allowed?- and messed his hair up as badly as he possibly could without being able to actually see him. There was a surprising lack of annoyed reaction, but he couldn’t get everything he wanted.

He stepped back once he was satisfied. “There.” Caddy opened the door and walked out, leaving Ian behind to blink into the darkness and wonder how his life had come to this for a full ten seconds after he was gone.

Chapter Text

Ian wasn’t sure if he was very surprised or not surprised at all by how easy it was to convince Luke to be elsewhere for the evening. He barely even had to try. All he did was mention that Caddy was going to be coming over to see him, and his roommate was halfway out the door before he could even get to the part about wanting some privacy. He also gave him a Meaningful Look, which Ian decided to ignore, because he was getting tired of people giving him Meaningful Looks every time his supposed boyfriend came up.

Speaking of whom, he wasn’t here yet, and wasn’t actually going to be for a good half hour, which gave Ian time to think. He felt like he needed to plan ahead for this whole… practice-kissing thing… or at least psych himself up beforehand. Ever since the incident at lunch he’d been feeling weird, and he couldn’t let it show. He couldn’t let Caddy see him get embarrassed, especially when they were both well aware this whole thing had been his idea. Ian would never be allowed to live it down if he ended up being the one to chicken out. Besides, it was just a little bit of kissing, and it wasn’t like anyone was going to expect them to full-on make out in public- actually, if Ian said he just wasn’t comfortable with a lot of PDA, no one would question him on it. It would be fine.

By the time Caddy knocked, he was feeling confident. He swung the door open casually and gestured him in. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Caddy looked around the room, as if there could possibly be anything in it he hadn’t seen before. “Ready to, uh, get started?” It was clear that he really meant get it over with, but he couldn’t very well say that when he’d been the one to suggest doing it at all.

Ian shrugged. “Sure.” He sat down on his bed, figuring that would be more comfortable, and patted the space next to him.

“So, I guess we just…?”

They both leaned forward, Caddy grimacing slightly while Ian willed his face to remain neutral. All they managed to do was bump their noses together on accident before pulling back.

“You gotta tilt your head, genius.”

“Well, I’m sorry,” Caddy huffed. “You didn’t do it right either, you know.” Exaggerating the movement of tilting his head to the right, he leaned forward again and pressed their lips together. He pulled back after a second. “Um… Ian?”

Ian looked at him, face (hopefully) as impassive as ever. “What?”

“You realize you’re supposed to do more than just sit there, right? You’ve got to, like…” He attempted to demonstrate the difference between an actual kiss and two people awkwardly bumping the lower halves of their faces together, but it mostly just seemed like he was making a duck face. Ian snickered.

“You sure about that, James?”

“Ugh, you know what I mean. Do it right this time!”

Ian rolled his eyes and leaned in, still not really sure what he was trying to say, but not about to admit it. When Caddy almost immediately opened his mouth to criticize his attempt again, he decided he’d had enough and cut him off.

“Look, I’m sorry I’m not a fuckin’ kissing expert like you apparently are, okay? I’ve never actually done this before, so just- quit yelling at me about it, asshole.” Well. Now that he’d said it, there was no point being embarrassed about it. “Seriously, you’ve known me since before I came out, when would I have even dated anyone without you noticing?”

Caddy looked slightly sheepish. “I dunno, I thought maybe you were just really secretive about it,” he mumbled. “Anyway, uh… I haven’t either. Actually.”

“Wait, seriously? But you’re so…” He indicated, with a wave of his hand, Caddy’s various qualities. “I mean, I just can’t believe-”

“There’s no need to go making a big deal of it,” he snapped. “Just haven’t had anyone I really wanted to, you know, do it with.”

“So I’m your first?” Ian winced. “Eesh. That sucks, dude.”

“Shut up, it’s your first, too.”

Ian hadn’t actually been trying to piss him off with that remark, so he felt slightly bad about having succeeded regardless. After a moment, he laughed softly, looking at his hands. “Yeah. I mean… it’s just kinda sad, isn’t it? That we’re both having our first kiss with someone we don’t even like.”

“Kinda,” Caddy agreed. He didn’t allow the silence to last more than a second before he straightened up and added, “Doesn’t really matter, though. Maybe now when we do kiss someone else, we’ll actually be at all competent at it.”

Ian spent half a second on the accidentally conjured image of Caddy kissing some faceless other person, and being good at it, before swiftly and with great prejudice banishing the thought to the darkest corners of his mind. “Right. Let’s, uh…” He gestured vaguely between them. “Try again?”

They figured out the basic mechanics eventually. It only took another twenty minutes of trying, plus one argument over whether they were desperate enough to resort to using a video tutorial and a mirror. Unfortunately, that was the easy part- now they had to make it look natural.

“You know,” Ian commented dryly, “it would really lend some credibility to this whole charade if you could not make a face every time you kiss me like you just ate something really gross.”

Caddy crossed his arms, and Ian was pretty sure he was pouting. “Easy for you to say, Mr. Never Had An Emotion In My Life.”

“Thanks, it’s the depression. Look, you’re supposed to close your eyes for it anyway, so just, like… imagine somebody you would actually wanna be kissing, and pretend it’s them instead of me?”

“Hmm.” He supposed he could think of a celebrity or something, but no one specific came to mind at the moment- or, no one close enough to his age that it wouldn’t be weird, anyway. “It’s not as if it’s all my fault, you know. You’re still barely doing anything more than tolerating it.”

“How about this: I’ll try to put more effort in, and you try to act like you don’t hate everything about this, and once we get that down we can call it good enough and stop torturing ourselves. Seriously, it’s been, like, an hour.”

He nodded. “Fair enough.”

They both leaned in. Ian didn’t know if Caddy was imagining someone else right now, but he figured he was probably focusing hard enough on reality for the both of them. He’d determined by now that his partner’s “advice” was useless, but he had seen movies before. (And real-life couples, but he wasn’t gonna stare at them kissing, that was creepy. More like he’d just heard about it.) He knew, in a general sense, how it was done. When the slight movement of his mouth against Caddy’s elicited a surprised little hum, he was confident that he’d at least exceeded his low, low expectations. Why stop there, though? He opened his mouth, just very slightly, and… well, he wasn’t quite sure about what happened next, except that it was closer and more. He only had a moment to doubt whether that had made it weird before Caddy made another soft noise, and it sure wasn’t one of protest.

That would teach him to talk about “barely doing anything.” Ian smirked against his mouth as he belatedly tried to reciprocate. They both still had their eyes closed, of course, but he knew Caddy would feel his expression change, and that knowledge definitely did not make Ian feel any sort of way whatsoever. At all.

Ian broke it off and opened his eyes to see his fake boyfriend slightly red and glaring at him.

“What do you think?” he asked, radiating smugness. “Good enough?”

“It’s- it was fine.” Caddy stood up quickly. “Think we’re good now, yeah, that, uh, they’ll believe that, I’m sure- I’ll just be going now. Since we’re done. Yeah.” He fled the room as quickly as he could without making it overly obvious that he was fleeing.

“You forgot your phone,” Ian called after him.

“Oh. Right.” He walked back in and took it from Ian awkwardly, making accidental eye contact for a second. The color he’d managed to will out of his face returned with a vengeance, and he cursed internally.

Ian, damn him, didn’t seem to have been bothered by what he’d done in the least. He was just as deadpan as ever, with a hint of judging Caddy for being so flustered he’d left his phone behind. “See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah- I mean, obviously.” He made a face and added, a bit nonsensically, “Shut up.” Then he was gone.

Ian counted to ten slowly, making sure he’d given Caddy enough time to be far away from his room. Once it was safe, he sat back down on the bed, picked up his pillow, and shoved his face into it to scream.