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It wasn’t meant to be this way.
She used to be a strong religious speaker and author, but now she is merely a wife to a man who she cannot stand anymore. She misses her freedom and voice, God how she loved standing in front of a crowd and voicing her opinion with such power and authority. However now thanks to her, she and many other women sit in their homes knitting or being trophy wives to their beloved husbands.
She despises it. It was meant to be the solution to the fertility issues in America, it was meant to create a community of God abiding people, where children could be created, and women could fulfil their “biological destiny”. Children would have been able to grow in a safe and protected environment.
God does she feel stupid now. All those speeches that she delivered before the making of Gilead, where she accused women of abandoning their families and how beneficial it could be to be a submissive and obedient wife. How women who have powerful jobs instead of creating a family are sinners. However, she was so wrong. This is not what she meant.
She might not have created the plan to silence women all on her own, but she was part of the backbone of Gilead and now she’s finally coming to the realization of what she’s done. Many of the policies were written by Serena, but hers were nothing compared to what the commanders created when the theocracy took over and she had no say. They took her ideas a step too far and finally silenced women all together and there was nothing she could do.
Gilead is a prison, one she helped create and now she’s trapped. She thought she could fix a broken country so that she could raise a child in it, but how stupid was she to believe that this was a place that was safe to raise one. She didn’t even have her shit together now, never mind in this horrible place.
And then there Is June, a strong minded and powerful handmaid who has had more things taken away from her than Serena but acts as if she’s got her shit together. Serena admires her, she cares for June, she truly does, she just doesn’t voice it or like to show it very often. June can bring a soft smile to her face by just being her usual snarky self. Serena knows when June isn’t well, simply because she doesn’t give Serena a hard time or tease her in her normal blunt tone. Serena loved to hate having June as her handmaid, she caused so many problems for Serena, however she was a constant reminder to Serena that there is still strength in women these days. It dampened the urge to make it up to June for helping to create June’s hell.
She truly cherishes the memory of her and June working together while Fred was away, Serena writing again while June read it and fixed it up.
It was a simple interaction they had but it was a moment where they could just relax and enjoy each other’s company with the soft music in the background. God she never realised how much she missed listening to music while writing. In that time, she was able to glance at June every now and then when she was focused on a page of Serena’s writing, and just admire how peaceful and happy June looked. It was a beautiful sight. (In fact, she kind of thought June was beautiful too but she pushed that thought away.)
Despite getting Nicole out and trying her best to be a calm and collected wife for her Martha’s and for June, she couldn’t shift the massive bag of guilt that she carries around with her.
At first, Serena was able to ignore the immense guilt she felt as she thought that everything happening was for a good cause, the right cause. Serena put on her bitter face every day and dealt with her new life. Afterall, a women’s place was to serve their husbands.
However, now every day it gets bigger and bigger with more regrets as more people are executed for stupid things, or more handmaids have to go through the ceremony. The dread that hits her hard in the gut, like she’s being punched by a world class boxer, is a constant reminder to her that she created this place and she’s to blame for all the innocent souls that are executed and forgotten about.
Although Serena looks like she could kill June at times and everyone thinks they hate each other, Serena can’t help but feel a lot of guilt when it comes to June especially.
Thanks to Serena, June lost her first child and then had to send her second child away to Canada to have a normal life, a normal life she could’ve had with June if Serena hadn’t of been so stupid and naive. Serena has made Junes life hell (or so she thinks), she’s slapped her and pushed her away too many times, but her biggest guilt is having made June a prisoner here with her.
So, when June acts out of line or argues with her, she doesn’t have her punished like she’s meant to do. She doesn’t have her executed for saving her daughter. She doesn’t tell anyone when she tries to stab her. She allows it simply because she cares too much about June and hopes that by allowing her to have a voice, she’s showing June just how sorry she is.
She’s tried so many times to voice this regret and say just how apologetic she is to June but no matter how alone or close they are, in the moment Serena can never find the words. She just slightly sighs and looks at June and tries to show her remorse through the emotions in her eyes. Sometimes she even manages to show a small smile to June when they meet in public and June meets her eyes briefly from the sea of red.
So, that’s why when June backed Serena into a wall in one of the quiet rooms in the Lawrence household, away from everyone else, she doesn’t stop her. Instead she stares into June’s blue eyes and looks at all the emotions she is showing for answers. She sees the pain in June’s eyes from the night’s dramas and an emotion she can’t quite figure out.
She feels the urge to comfort June, so she slowly raises her hand to Junes face then rests it gently on her right cheek, letting her thumb wipe the single tear that dropped from June’s eyes. Her other hand is softly resting against June’s waist in an attempt at a comforting hold.
June raises her hand and holds onto the wrist of the hand on her cheek and slowly nods her head at her. Serena gives a small smile and slowly leans in but never breaking her focus with June’s eyes, just making sure that what she’s about to do is what June wants too.
She feels her lips brush against Junes and closes her eyes. Her hand that was on June’s waist comes to caress Junes left cheek with her thumb as they slowly share a passionate, slow kiss. She tries to show June that she does care, that she is capable of loving, that she’s sorry.
When they break apart slightly out of breath, small smiles on both of their faces. She leans her forehead against June’s, and they look at each other and finally she whispers, “I’m sorry.”