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Rain made it impossible for Yu to sleep. The first patter of water on the roof was like a straight shot of espresso, with the same kick of anxiety. They had always heard rain at night described as peaceful, relaxing, but it only had the opposite effect on them.
It took years before the reason dawned on them and it hit like a bag of bricks to the chest.
They recalled evenings spent sitting rigid, afraid on the couch in their uncle's spare bedroom, eyes fixed on the small TV provided to them, waiting. For hours sometimes. At first they had tried to stay busy until the time got closer, but in the end it had become a several hour long ordeal of sitting and staring. Paralyzed.
They thought they should be over this by now.
But, apparently, they weren't. And now, as an adult of 22 years old, every time it rained in the evening and into the night time, they were left lying awake listening to their husband's breathing, bracing themself for an impact that never came. Yosuke had written off his spouse's difficulties as occasional insomnia, neither of them making the deeper connection.
But now the vague anxiety building in Yu's chest could be pinned down to a few things: the fear of losing someone dear to them; the fear of their life being uprooted into chaos (again); the fear that they had totally fucked up years ago and had only been lulled into a false sense of security in thinking they had ended things; the fear that they would go to sleep to the sound of rain and wake up back in that spare bedroom, once again a teenager confronting the very real threat of death because they were the only one who could.
They hadn't talked to anyone else about this and no one had talked to them about it either, not really. Everyone else in their makeshift detective group seemed to have moved on somewhat comfortably into adulthood, leaving their strange collective experiences behind as memories. But Yu couldn't let go of it.
They still dreamed with alarming frequency of Nanako's small frame swallowed up in that blindingly white hospital bed. They dreamed of seeing her hurt, dragged right out of their grasp. They dreamed of scenarios they couldn't even describe to others if they tried. The most graphic ones woke them up gasping and crying with Yosuke sitting up over them stroking their hair. They were the brave leader back then, but now they just felt plagued and weak.
Each summer brought the rainy season, doubling the most distressing of the aftereffects they couldn't seem to shake. Yu found themself obsessively checking the weather again, just like they had back then. On foggy days they struggled to pass themself off as a functioning human being. Sometimes they couldn't leave the house. They would just sit inside, eyes glued to every news outlet, searching. If no one happened to distract them, they couldn't distract themself.
It rained for days sometimes. They would always go to bed with Yosuke knowing full well they would be staring up at the ceiling late into the night until the rain subsided. Sometimes they got up, moved around the apartment, talked quietly to a cat.
Sometimes they went into the living room and just stared. It was 11:59. They just needed to wait one minute, just one minute until--
"Hoping to see your true love?"
Yosuke's voice behind them startled them and they felt warm arms go around their waist and his face press into the side of their neck. They didn't laugh at the joke, but they did make a mental note that they could see Yosuke's eyes barely peering over their own shoulder in the reflection of the dark TV screen. Maybe there had been some merit to that old rumor. If they were in a better mood, it would have been sweet.
They placed a hand over Yosuke's on their stomach and stayed quiet and still until the clock on the wall moved to read 12:01. They let out a breath they didn't know they were holding and felt themself relax.
"Yu…" Yosuke pressed his face in closer to their neck and squeezed them. "Come back to bed."
Yu stayed staring silently at their reflection in the screen until Yosuke quietly whined and got their attention. They reached out a hand and very hesitantly pressed just the tips of their fingers to the screen. It didn't give.
"Do you ever think about what you would do if it started happening again…?" Their voice came out flat and emotionless, not at all conveying exactly how terrified they felt.
Yosuke reached out a hand, grasped theirs tightly in his, and pulled them both back to their chest. "No, cuz it's not gonna happen. It's done. It's over."
"But--"
"No," Yosuke perched his chin on Yu's shoulder so he could look at their face in the screen. "That bastard is rotting in prison. We did everything we possibly could. It's over. Staring at TVs in the middle of the night isn't gonna change anything."
Yu fumbled for the right words, couldn't settle on any, and dropped their gaze to the floor. Yosuke rubbed a thumb over their wedding band and pressed a kiss to their shoulder. They made a small sound and let him gently pull them away from the TV to sit on the couch, knees touching and hands held on their thigh. They kept staring at the floor.
"Look," Yosuke sighed. "I know you got the brunt of things. You had to see everything, you had to keep yourself level-headed for us and you weren't allowed to freak out, and maybe that's why you're doing it now, and… It makes sense. I get it. But it's not coming back. Preparing and obsessing and making yourself sick with worry isn't gonna change that."
Yu took a deep shaky breath and nodded. They knew all of that, logically. They knew nothing they did would change the course of things, but there was still the nagging feeling in the back of their mind all the time insisting that there was always a possibility. It could always start happening again. Someone could die if they didn't pay attention and it would be--
They realized they were breathing heavy and tears were welling up in their eyes. Yosuke wrapped his arms around their shoulders and pulled them in close to his chest. They clung to his shirt tightly, suddenly terrified. It could be him. It could be Nanako. It could be any of their friends, their families. It would be punishment on Yu for not making absolutely sure of everything all the time, not tying up every loose end, not paying enough attention to the weather and the TVs and not making plans and, and, and, and--
They whimpered into Yosuke's chest and heard his even breathing break in response. "I'm here, it's okay. I promise it's okay--" His voice cracked and he pressed his face into Yu's hair. "What can I do…? How can I help you…?"
"Don't wanna lose-- You-- Nanako--" They had to gasp out their words. They clung to Yosuke tighter and felt his arms do the same around them. He pressed several kisses against their head and they heard him sniffle.
"That's what you're scared of…?" Yosuke's voice was uneven and broken. Yu hated seeing him cry. And this was their fault. They tried to keep themself silent. "You're scared people are gonna start getting taken again…? You think it's gonna be one of us?" Yosuke waited for a response, but didn't get one. "It's not. It's not gonna happen. I'm right here. I'm not goin' anywhere, never… We're partners. For life, okay?"
Yu barely nodded. Yosuke leaned back from their embrace and held Yu's cheeks in his hands so he could look at them. Yu's eyes darted away. Yosuke stared at them for a moment, then pressed a kiss to their forehead and dropped his hands to his lap.
"Whatever happens, no matter what, I'm here with you. If something weird starts happening again, we'll tackle it. Together." He reached over and took their hand in his again. "You’re not our leader anymore. You don’t have to be responsible for everybody all the time--”
“I do!” Yu cut him off with a sob and wrenched their hand away to curl over on themself, arms hiding their face. “I do, I have to, or-- You don’t know what’s going to happen, I--”
“Neither do you! You can’t talk like you know!” Yosuke realized he was raising his voice when one of the cats came over and mewled defensively at him, leaning up on her hind legs to paw at Yu’s leg and make sure they weren’t being hurt. “Sorry. I’m sorry.” He reached over and picked the cat up and set her onto his lap where she settled down and purred gently. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but neither do you. And I’d rather believe all of that-- stuff is over and done with like it has been for years than see you scared to death over it like this.”
Yu only sniffled into their arms in response. The cat in Yosuke’s lap wriggled out of his loose grip and moved across his legs to rub up against Yu instead. Normally, they would give in and pull her into their arms to love on her properly, but they couldn’t find the strength to move. Yosuke rubbed her head and she jumped back down onto the floor and left them alone, disgruntled at not getting her parent’s attention. Another weight of guilt settled onto Yu’s chest.
“I didn’t know you were struggling so hard with this. I thought you were just… I dunno.” He sat quietly for a few moments. Yu tried to steady their breathing. “You never talked to me about it.”
“Sorry…” Yu managed a quiet apology and tightened their posture, keeping hidden. They were a bad partner, a bad spouse, a bad friend, they--
“I love you, man… I wanna hear what you’re feeling. Even if it’s hard.” He reached over and put a hand on Yu’s shoulder and rubbed it gently. “I could’ve been reassuring you this whole time.”
Yu tensed up again, but then relaxed into their husband’s touch. His hand was warm and comforting even through the fabric of their shirt. They slowly turned their head to look at him without sitting up.
“You shouldn’t do that. It’s not your job to--”
“Yeah, yeah.” Yosuke cut them off with a laugh. “Lots of people tell me I shouldn’t do a lot of things. I don’t listen.” He barely got Yu to smile. “When we got married, we said we’d take care of each other. So it is my job to reassure you when you’re scared, or stay up with you when you have a nightmare, or whatever. Cuz you’re important to me. Cuz I love you. And cuz you do the same stuff for me.”
Yu still didn’t lift their head, but leaned over so they were resting against Yosuke’s side. His arm went around their shoulders and pulled them in closer. They sat like that in silence for what felt like a long time.
“I feel so scared all the time. I know it’s been years, I know we’re all supposed to have moved on, but I…” They breathed in deep. “Every time it rains like this it feels like something is coming. I feel the same way I did back then, when we’d all stay up late just waiting, except now I don’t even know if I could do anything if something did happen. I don’t know if we’d still be able to-- To do anything. What if something shows up on there one day and we can’t get in? What if it’s one of us?” They barely glanced up at Yosuke.
“That’s a lot of what if’s, babe.” He thumbed over their shoulder. “What if nothing like that ever happens again? What if when you’re scared, you tell me and we can talk until you’re not anymore?”
Yu swallowed hard, but nodded. Just having Yosuke’s arms around them, feeling his warmth, was enough to dispel at least a fraction of the fear. It didn’t make them any more certain that things wouldn’t immediately turn to catastrophe as soon as he let go, but for now they at least felt protected.
“Thanks,” Yu sat up enough to put their head on Yosuke’s shoulder properly and they both shifted so he could hold them, cheek against their hair. “You’re good to me.”
“I mean, yeah. I try. You’re good to me too. Always have been. Pretty sure you always will be.” He nuzzled their hair and they made a quiet noise that might have been half of a laugh.
They were silent again, listening to the rain outside.
“You really don’t ever think about it?” Yu’s voice went flat again.
“I… I do, of course I do, but it’s like… Ruminating, not fantasizing about what if scenarios, y’know? I think about how scary and shitty it all was and I have nightmares about-- Ugh.” He sighed hard. “A lot of things. We’ll leave it at that. But, I know it’s something that’s already done. It happened and it’s over and I have to deal with how it affected me, we all do, but it’s just getting farther behind us the longer we go on living after it. Does that… make sense?”
Yu nodded, so he continued.
“It’s not a looming threat to me, it’s--” He laughed. “A shadow. That wasn’t supposed to be a joke. You can laugh though.”
They didn’t.
“Okay, fine. Can’t all be winners.” He kissed their head. “Sometimes I catch myself doing what you did though. I walk by a TV at work and I touch my hand to it without thinking. I’ve seen Teddie do the same thing. I think probably we all do, sometimes. It’s just muscle memory or whatever. But I don’t ever really expect anything to happen. It’s on our minds, but it doesn’t have to be all we think about. You can think about it without letting it take over your life.”
Yu shut their eyes and nodded again, comforted by their husband's gentle voice and the idea that maybe they weren't the only one who hadn't just dropped everything and moved on with their life. The others were affected too. They shouldn't have been so selfish in their assumptions. They started to apologize again but were cut off by Yosuke's hand coming up to brush their hair back from their forehead. They hummed and leaned in closer to his touch.
"Do you feel better? Less scared?" Yosuke spoke softly and kept stroking their hair the way he knew calmed them down.
"Less sense of impending doom."
"Good start. Wanna come back to bed with me?"
Yu nodded and slowly sat up. The pair moved back to their bedroom and Yu let themself be covered in a blanket. They were quickly joined by two cats. Yosuke nudged one over to get face to face with his spouse. Their eyes met and Yu leaned in and kissed him.
"You're the best partner I could ever have," Yu mumbled and kissed him again.
Yosuke laughed against their lips and kissed them once more before pulling back. "That's my line." He thumbed over Yu's cheek and they shut their eyes.
"You make me feel so safe." Yu's voice grew quieter and they barely opened their eyes again to take in their husband's expression. "I love you."
Yosuke averted his eyes but couldn't stop a sweet smile from spreading across his face. "Love you too, man." He pulled his hand back from their face. "No matter what happens, I got your back. And you got mine."
Yu pressed their face into their pillow to hide a smile, then turned again just enough to speak. "Thanks for tonight. You could've just told me I was being stupid and left it at that."
"What good would that do? You were scared. I'm not gonna kick you when you're down like that." Yosuke reached for Yu's hand and held it between them. "I don't want you to be scared of some big, bad hypothetical. I'm gonna protect you. Even if it's just from your own thoughts. Even if I can only do it with words."
Yu brought Yosuke's hand up close to their face and kissed his knuckles, then pressed it to their cheek. "I guess I should know by now I can depend on you."
"I wish you would. You always try to do so much on your own…" He cupped their cheek with his palm and traced an arc across their skin with his thumb. "I know that's just how you are."
Yu's eyes fluttered shut at Yosuke's touch and they silently nodded in agreement to the assessment of their character. Yosuke chuckled and kept his hand on their face.
They knew they had a bad habit of trying to silently take on everything themself. They always had. Ever since high school. They had taken on too much responsibility and never learned to scale back when the initial situation had passed. Now Yosuke had to forcibly intervene if he happened to catch it in action or else be left to do damage control when Yu crashed and burned and did things like this.
"Hey," Yosuke's quiet, tired voice pulled them out of their thoughts and they barely opened their eyes. "You think you can sleep?"
"I think so. Sorry for keeping you up so late." Yu shifted onto their back and Yosuke followed their movement to put his head on their chest and an arm across their body. They kissed his head.
"Small price to pay for your peace of mind. Happy wife, happy life, right?" Even with how exhausted he sounded, Yu could make out the joking tone in his voice. Then it took on a more serious one again. "I'd rather sit up late with you and listen to your problems than sleep through your suffering."
Yu couldn't respond to that verbally. They just put an arm around Yosuke and squeezed him and stared up at the ceiling, fighting tears.
They thought Yosuke had already fallen asleep, but he nuzzled their chest, mumbled a very sleepy "I love you, partner," and then seemed to pass immediately into unconsciousness.
Yu's eyelids had grown heavy in the silence and they found themself quickly following suit. They were warm and calm and surrounded by love.
They realized it had stopped raining.