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Kisame had no delusions about the kind of person he was. Most of his days were filled with self-loathing and regret. The one time he tried to do something nice for someone else ended up making things a million time worse for both of them. He glanced over at Itachi's sleeping form and wondered how much he would remember when he finally woke up. He'd slept most of the day away, which was probably for the best. He'd consumed more alcohol the night before than he'd probably had in his entire life.
Bile burned the back of Kisame's throat, though it had little to do with the booze he'd shared with his partner. He could still feel the soft kisses Itachi had pressed against his skin. They had been working together for years and not once had the other man showed sexual interest in anyone. The missing-nin rubbed his face, wishing once again he could take back the events of the previous night. He didn't mind the sex, though he didn't prefer sleeping with men. No, he wanted to take back what happened after. Itachi wasn't much of a drinker, but he'd convinced the former Uchiha heir to let loose a bit.
Maybe it was the intimate situation they'd been in, maybe the alcohol, but the younger man had confessed some things he shouldn't have. "Kami, damn it all, Tobi. Why did you have to put him with me?" His first warning to every new partner was that they shouldn't get close because he'd probably have to kill them at some point. He'd broken his own dawn rule when it came to the Uchiha. He glanced over his shoulder, taking in the black hair spilling across the pillows. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen him sleep so peacefully. Small bruises, proof of their nocturnal activities, littered his pale skin.
He should do it now before he woke up. At least Itachi would go out peacefully. Tobi would be mad about it, but he did assign the former Mist-nin to watch over him. Their leader didn't trust him, that much had been made clear when Kisame had joined their band of misfit shinobi. Tobi had told Kisame to keep an eye on him because he never hesitated to kill traitors. Isn't that what he was doing now though? Hesitating? He pressed the palm of his hand against his forehead, wishing the pounding in his head would ease up so he could think. What was he going to do with Itachi? His name may be in every bingo book in the world, branded as a traitor who killed his clan, but he was still very much loyal to Konoha. His drunken confession had driven that point home.
The worst part was that he understood Itachi's reasons and he couldn't blame him. He'd done it all to protect his brother. That was a lot of shit to be carrying around for nearly seven years. Kisame respected his loyalty to his brother and his village. It didn't change the fact that he was a spy or that he was going to have to kill the younger man. Samehada was resting against the wall just a few feet away. That was a messy death and not really how he wanted to start his morning. He could probably pin him down and choke the life out of him. He would be fine as long as he didn't get caught in Itachi's genjutsu. He was physically much larger and could easily overpower the leaf nin.
'I want to feel something', Itachi had whispered into his ear. He'd seemed to enjoy how much larger Kisame was than him, had enjoyed how he'd pinned him down the night before. He was a fucking bastard for even considering killing him in the same way he'd fucked him. Anxiety flared up and he panicked a bit. It'd been a long time since he'd had an attack like this, his mind racing as fast as his heart. When he'd found out Fuguki had been selling secrets to other villages, he'd killed him without a second thought. For years he'd mercilessly taken down his comrades to protect his village. Every death had made him hate himself a little more, but at the end of the day, he just dealt with it all. The thought of killing Itachi was horrifying. He knew if he did it something would break inside of him that he wasn't sure he could fix.
He didn't realize how deep into the panic attack he was until pale arms had wrapped around him, stopping him from rocking back and forth. The low pitch keening he'd been making slowly faded as well. "Shh, just breathe." Itachi pressed his face against Kisame's shoulder as he held the much larger man. "I've got you."
"I can't do it, Itachi," Kisame's face was wet, but he didn't remember shedding any tears. "I can't kill you."
The Uchiha sighed softly. "No, you can’t. Sasuke has to." He said it so matter of factly like one might say the sky was blue. "I wanted someone to know my truth before it was too late. There's no one I trust more than you, Kisame. I'm sorry that I am selfish and had to burden you like this, but I am running out of time. I'm dyin-"
"Don't say that," he hissed at him. He reached up and grabbed Itachi's arms, pinning them to his chest. He'd been ignoring the signs for months now, but it changed nothing. He knew the Uchiha's illness was getting worse every day.
"It still true, Kisame. I am not asking you to betray the others, but just give me time. Sasuke is almost ready to do what needs to be done. I failed my clan, but I can still save him. He will kill me and take my eyes. It is the only gift I can give him. I promise not to pass on any more information if you just give me time. Can you do that, Kisame?"
The Mist-nin closed his eyes, head hanging low. It was a betrayal in a way, but Itachi was right. He was going to be dead soon either by his brother's hand or his own body giving out on him. Kisame didn't want his death on his conscious. It would be one more burden for him to carry, more proof that he was good for nothing but killing. "I can do that," he managed to get out, voice cracking. Itachi moved, pressing a kiss against his jaw. He didn’t feel up for a repeat of the night before, but Itachi's touches slowly made his body stir. Who was he to deny a dead man one of his last wishes?