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He couldn’t stop thinking about her. She had made her way into his heart, pretending to be someone she wasn’t, then ripped it into a million tiny pieces, and threw them away. She broke him in ways he didn’t know he could break. She hurt his mother, made him fight his father again, and took his friends from him.
And then she died.
As if she hadn’t already done enough to him, now she invaded his mind.
Lloyd laid awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. He was so tired, but after tossing and turning for hours on end, he’d given up on chasing sleep.
She wouldn’t leave him alone. No matter how hard he tried not to think about her, she wouldn’t leave him alone.
Lloyd didn’t know what was wrong with him. Maybe his mind was falling apart. Maybe the rest of him was breaking, just like his heart had.
With a heavy sigh, Lloyd got out of bed. His movements were sluggish, his limbs exhausted, even though his thoughts weren’t. He splashed cold water onto his face in the bathroom. If he couldn’t sleep, he might as well feel awake.
He spent a long time, just letting the water in the tap keep running. Listening to it occupied him. When he focused on something else, he didn’t think about Harumi.
Dammit, now he was thinking about her. Again.
Lloyd turned the tap off. His original plan was to go back to bed and stare at the ceiling once again, but instead, he found himself at Master Wu’s door. He knocked quietly, careful not to wake anyone else up.
After a moment, an old soft voice told him to come in.
Lloyd entered, then stood in Master Wu’s room. Master Wu was sitting up in bed, his hands clasped on his lap. Lloyd looked around like he was lost. He sure felt lost.
“Come, nephew,” Master Wu said.
Lloyd did as he was told, kneeling down beside Master Wu’s bed, and using his arms to pillow his head. He felt a hand begin to gently card through his hair.
“Are you not going to tell me what is bothering you?” Master Wu asked.
Lloyd closed his eyes, trying to imagine that it was his father talking to him. Master Wu shared the same hands as his father.
“Uncle,” Lloyd whispered, trying to remember the last time he’d called his master that. “I...I don’t feel good.” He didn’t know how else to describe it, but Master Wu seemed to understand.
“I know, nephew,” he said. He stroked Lloyd’s hair again, and Lloyd almost forgot his father wasn’t here; almost forgot how old he was, and almost forgot his shattered heart.
“You will feel better in time,” Master Wu told him, “The heart is an amazing thing. It never stays broken.”
As much as Lloyd wanted to believe that, he couldn’t.
“But for now, you must be patient, and put off until tomorrow what cannot be done today.”
Lloyd didn’t say anything, the comforting hand on his head that felt so much like his father’s lulling him into dreamland.
_________________________________
He was supposed to meet his mother for tea today, but he backed out at the last minute, and instead ended up home alone with Nya. Jay had roped Kai into going to the arcade with him. Zane and Cole had gone grocery shopping. And Master Wu had gone to visit the old monastery. Nya was supposed to be the only one home.
“What are you doing here, Lloyd?” she asked, putting down her screwdriver. Lloyd didn’t know what she was making, but he knew it was some sort of new feature to the Samurai X suit for Pixal’s birthday.
“I...I...” Lloyd stammered, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot in the garage.
“Isn’t your mom waiting for you?”
Lloyd sighed then, looking pleadingly at Nya.
Nya smiled sadly, understanding what Lloyd was trying to say. “I could use some help,” she said, even though she clearly didn’t.
Lloyd nodded gratefully.
He ‘helped’ in the same way he helped Nya when he was little. Handed her tools. Tightened screws for her. Held stuff for her. Did everything she told him to do. Though now, he did so without whining.
They worked together quietly for awhile. Then Nya asked him,
“So why don’t you want to see your mother?”
It wasn’t that Lloyd didn’t want to see Misako. He hadn’t seen her for awhile now, too busy isolating himself in his room and drowning in his misery. What he didn’t want, was to talk to her.
“She’s just gonna be all...mom-ish,” Lloyd replied.
Nya frowned. “Mom-ish?”
Lloyd sighed, placing a hand over his heart. It was still shattered, still in little torturous pieces, and it still hurt.
“She knows I’m still...upset. I know she wants to help me, but I’m not... She thinks I’m sad, but I’m not sad, I’m angry!” He’d stay angry as long as he kept telling himself he was angry. But the moment he lay eyes on his mother, he knew everything would come crashing down on him. She had the ability to make him open up with just a single, knowing look. And Lloyd didn’t want to open up, he wanted to keep everything shut tight inside him.
Nya touched his arm. “Are you sure you’re angry?” she asked, and Lloyd gulped because she was looking at him with her ‘big sister’ face.
He averted his gaze quickly. If he had kept looking at her, he would have spilled his broken heart to her.
Nya grasped his shoulder, her gentle, yet strong hold making Lloyd want to hug her and push her away at the same time.
“It’s okay if you’re sad.”
Lloyd forced himself to keep looking at the wall. He’d foolishly forgotten that Nya had the same ability as his mom. He didn’t want to be sad. If he was sad, then he’d drop his heart, which he was trying so hard to rebuild, and it’d shatter all over again. If he was sad, the emotions he was trying to push away would consume him, and he was terrified that the sutures holding him together would fall apart.
But if he was angry, he could ignore the pain.
“Lloyd,” Nya said softly, “it’s okay if you need to cry.”
Lloyd immediately became aware of the burning in his eyes. He squeezed them shut, shrugging Nya’s hand off his shoulder. “I don’t need to cry.”
Nya sighed. Lloyd was stubborn when he wanted to be, and she could tell this was one of those times. “Okay,” she said, though all she wanted to do was pull her baby brother into her arms and hug him tight.
She wished she could go back in time and murder Harumi before that evil, conniving woman had hurt her brother so badly.
_________________________________
Jay honestly hadn’t meant to eavesdrop... Well, okay, so he had meant to, but it wasn’t his fault. Kai and Lloyd’s argument could be heard from a mile away. He didn’t know what had transpired between them, but it didn’t take long for the two of them to be shouting at the top of their lungs at each other.
He hid himself as fast as possible when he heard Lloyd stomping his way.
Lloyd was the first to stomp away. It was surprising, to say the least. Usually, Kai was the first to dramatically storm off somewhere after an argument. It was, like, his thing.
Even more surprising, was how angry Lloyd looked as Jay watched him from his hiding spot. Lloyd rarely ever got that angry.
Kai appeared next, but he looked like a deflated balloon.
Okay, the world was officially upside down. Lloyd was mad, and Kai actually looked guilty.
Then Kai turned towards him with a scowl, and Jay jumped, wondering if Kai could see him.
“I know you're in there, Jay,” Kai sighed.
Nervously, Jay climbed out of the closet. “Hey, how’s it going? I was just...looking for mimes in here.”
Mimes? Really?
“Cut the act. I know you heard us fighting.”
Jay bit his lip. “Sorry.”
Kai sighed, looking more and more like a deflated balloon. “It’s fine.”
Okay, Kai would never say that. If this had been any other fight, he would’ve killed Jay by now. Something was definitely wrong.
“What happened?” Jay asked hesitantly.
Kai stared at the floor. "Well, you know how Lloyd's been..."
Jay nodded. Everyone had noticed the way Lloyd had been acting, and he had good reason to. They knew he was emotionally vulnerable. He’d just been betrayed by his first love, thought he lost his brothers, and went through losing his dad for the second time. They were all torn between wanting to talk to him and letting him come to them.
“I tried...” Kai trailed off with a huff, obviously having trouble explaining.
Jay understood anyways. “You tried getting him to talk about it?”
“Yeah.”
“And it didn’t go very well?”
Kai shook his head, averting his eyes to the ground.
Jay looked in the direction Lloyd had gone. Harumi was the last person who had deserved Lloyd’s love, especially his first love. Jay hated her. What she did was horrible and he’d never forgive her for as long as he lived.
Lloyd was so pure, and even though he’d grown up a little bit, he was still so innocent. He had a child’s heart. He looked for the good in everyone, and was always quick to trust. And when it came to his love, he gave it freely and genuinely. Harumi has taken advantage of his trusting nature; played him like a fiddle, and trashed his love like it was nothing.
Lloyd's love was not nothing. It was everything. Lloyd’s love was everything, was his most beautiful quality, and it had been smashed.
“I’ll try to talk to him,” Jay said.
“Are you sure?” Kai asked, “I made him pretty mad.”
“I’m sure,” Jay responded. Because Lloyd was probably more upset than mad, and needed a shoulder to cry on.
“If I were you, I’d leave him alone,” Kai said, but Jay was determined and he could see that. “Good luck.”
______
He should’ve listened to Kai.
The power of positive thinking was not always all-powerful. Although Jay loathed to admit it, sometimes it wasn’t powerful at all.
Sometimes “I’m sure talking about it will help you feel better” just made things worse.
“I’m not ready to talk about it!” Lloyd yelled, pacing angrily, “I’m not ready to-to face it yet! I’m not ready to feel better! I’m not-I’m not ready, Jay!”
“Okay, okay,” Jay said quickly, because Lloyd’s voice was cracking, his face was red, and his eyes were filling with tears, and he looked to be on the brink of a tantrum. “Okay. It’s okay, Lloyd.”
Lloyd stopped pacing, and Jay felt his heart breaking when he saw the anguish in his baby brother’s expression.
“It’s okay,” he said, slowly reaching out his hand, “I understand, Lloyd—“
“No, you don’t—you don’t get it, Jay!” Lloyd yelled again, pulling away from Jay’s reach. He dragged his hands through his hair, the angry flush travelling down his neck. “She-she wasn’t supposed to—and my dad wasn’t supposed—and I-I wasn’t supposed to watch her die! I wasn’t supposed to feel—and-and you guys!” Lloyd pointed at Jay now, trembling, his face crumpling miserably. “I thought I lost you forever! I thought you guys were-you guys were—“
Jay grabbed Lloyd’s arm. “It’s okay! We’re okay!” he exclaimed, squeezing Lloyd’s arm reassuringly. “It’s okay. I’m not going to make you talk.”
Lloyd’s chest heaved with exertion, like he’d just ran a marathon.
“I’m sorry,” Jay said, lowering his voice. He gripped Lloyd’s other arm, moving his hands up to Lloyd’s shoulders and giving him a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to force you to talk.”
The redness in Lloyd’s face didn’t go away. “I’m not ready-I can’t—“ he sobbed, but he wiped furiously at his eyes before tears could fall.
“I know. You’re not ready, and that’s okay,” Jay said. He opened his arms invitingly, and Lloyd stepped into his embrace, burying his face in his shoulder. “It’s okay if you’re not ready to talk.” He rubbed Lloyd’s back in the same way his mom had done when he was child. “You can get angry all you want. You can cry all you—“
“I don’t want to cry,” Lloyd said, “I don’t want to cry over her. She-she doesn’t deserve it.”
Jay agreed wholeheartedly, but he also knew it wasn’t good for Lloyd to keep his emotions locked up. Sooner or later, the dam would break, and Jay just didn’t want Lloyd to be alone with his broken pieces when it happened.
“Okay,” Jay said, petting Lloyd’s hair. “But when you are ready, remember we’re here for you.”
When you’re ready to stop pretending to be angry, when you’re ready to talk, ready to cry, please, please don’t go off on your own, like you always do.
_________________________________
Sparring with Lloyd had become dangerous, and one had to be a fool to challenge him. Except Cole, who was the only one able to withstand Lloyd’s hits.
Training was a great way to blow off steam, and Cole figured that after a few matches, the tension and stress in Lloyd would ebb away.
A few, however, had turned into several, and then a dozen, and Cole had eventually lost count.
It hurt to watch Lloyd try so hard to keep himself together when all he wanted to do was cry. Cole didn’t want Lloyd to cry—none of them did. They hated it when Lloyd cried. But they also didn’t want him to keep bottling up his emotions.
Cole remembered when he used to do that. After his mom died, and he and his dad drifted apart, he bottled up his feelings. He closed himself off, putting up walls around his heart. He didn’t want to let anyone in.
Then five ninja and an old man catapulted themselves through his walls and into his heart.
He understood a little bit of what Lloyd was going through, and he understood how hard it was to open up.
What he didn’t understand, was why everything bad seemed to happen to Lloyd. The kid had dealt with enough crap in his young life.
He wished he could just protect Lloyd from all his pain. He wished he could give Lloyd all the happiness he deserved.
So far, the sparring wasn’t working. Cole would’ve tried talking, but Jay had told him what happened when he and Kai tried to talk to him, and he was scared of pushing Lloyd away.
Cole hated it, but all he could do was hope Lloyd would be ready soon. The dam was getting closer and closer to breaking.
Please, please remember you have a family who loves you, and don’t do anything stupid.
_________________________________
Lloyd had stupidly gone and done something as stupid as disappeared. Now the ninja were frantically searching all over Ninjago for their stupid baby brother.
Zane was the one who received the call.
“Lloyd!” he shouted into his phone, panic clutching his chest.
“Hi Zane,” Lloyd replied cheerfully, giggling, as if he hadn’t went missing and terrified his siblings.
Zane sighed a breath of relief upon hearing Lloyd’s voice nonetheless.
“Lloyd, where are you?” he demanded.
“You sound mad.”
Zane frowned. Was Lloyd pouting?
“Are you mad at me, Zane?” Lloyd was pouting, and he just hiccuped. “Why are you mad at me?”
Zane’s frowned deepened. Lloyd’s words were slurring together as if he was...drunk.
“Don’t be mad at me, Zane. I-I don’t like it when people are mad at me.”
“Lloyd,” Zane began gently. His scanning of Lloyd’s voice confirmed that the teenager had indeed been drinking, “tell me where you are.”
“You are mad at me!” Lloyd suddenly cried.
“No, I am not mad at you,” Zane said calmly. Before he had been mad, but now he no longer was.
“Yes, you are! You don’t like me anymore!” Lloyd wailed, sobs breaking out of him. “You hate me!”
Hate Lloyd? Zane wasn’t physically capable of doing that.
“I am not mad, Lloyd. And I most certainly do not hate y—“
“Liar! You do! You hate me! You-you don’t love me anymore!”
“Lloyd,” Zane snapped, stern but not unkind. Lloyd quieted as much as he could, only making little breathy sounds somewhere between a sob and whimper. “Listen to me, brother. I am not mad at you, I am worried about you. Do you understand me?”
Lloyd didn’t say anything, but made a sad sort-of-hum that told Zane he was listening.
Zane continued, “I am worried about you because I do not know where you are. And I do not hate you, brother. I could never hate you. You power me. You are the reason I know how to love.”
Lloyd inhaled shakily.
“Do you understand me?” Zane asked.
“Y-yes.” Lloyd was sobbing now.
“Good,” Zane sighed, relief flooding him again. He’d been so scared Lloyd was going to hang up on him. “Now, I need you to—“
“I love you, Zane,” Lloyd interrupted, Zane’s heart clenching at his watery voice. “I’m sorry. Please-please don’t leave me alone. I’m sorry, I’m—“
“I love you too, Lloyd. I am not going to leave you alone,” Zane said, unable to fathom where Lloyd could’ve possibly gotten that idea, “Do you understand me?”
“Yeah. I-I understand.”
“Good. Now I need you to tell me where you are, so I can find you.”
“Can we go home? I-I want to go h-home, Zane.”
“Yes, we will go home, but first, you need to tell me where you are.”
“I don’t k-know.”
“Then can you describe your surroundings? Perhaps I can figure out out where to find you if you tell me what you see. Do you think you can do that?”
“Yeah. I-I see t-this frog—“
“I meant the scenery, Lloyd. Can you tell me what the scenery looks like?”
“O-okay. There-there’s this pond?”
“Yes, very good. Keep going.”
__________
When Zane found Lloyd an hour later, he wasn’t expecting to find him sopping wet, nor was he expecting Lloyd to start crying all over again when he spotted him.
“Zane! You’re alive!” he shouted tearfully. His phone was still held up to his ear, and Zane jumped at his volume.
“Of course I am alive. We have been talking this whole time,” Zane said, putting his cell away since there was no need for it anymore. He approached Lloyd, who reached for him like a toddler that wanted up.
“I was s-so scared you died, but-but you didn’t die cuz then you’d b-be dead—and I was scared you w-were dead.”
Zane knelt down beside Lloyd, pulling him into his arms, Lloyd’s own arms twining around his shoulders.
“I am very much alive, Lloyd,” Zane said, rubbing Lloyd’s back as he cried against his chest. His hair stuck to his cheeks, and he shivered in his damp hoodie. “Can you tell me why you are wet?” Zane asked.
Lloyd sniffled, curling up in Zane’s embrace. Zane was warm.
“Lloyd?”
Lloyd hummed sleepily.
“Why are you wet?”
“I tripped over-over that thing, and then I fell in the water.”
Zane was fairly certain ‘that thing’ was Lloyd's own foot. He hoped the boy wouldn’t catch a cold, as he was going to have a vicious hangover tomorrow.
“Let’s get you home.” Bracing Lloyd against the fountain, Zane managed to maneuver him onto his back, huffing. Lloyd wasn’t exactly a feather.
“Home?” Lloyd mumbled tiredly, nuzzling the back of Zane’s shoulder.
“Yes, we’re going home.”
_____________
After tucking Lloyd into bed, Zane went to go throw his wet laundry into the washing machine. He was sure Lloyd had already been sleeping when he left his room, and he was going to check on him once more when he was done.
The scream caught him off guard.
“Zane! Zane!”
Zane jolted at the sound, falling backwards and somehow getting his foot stuck in the laundry basket.
Kai then appeared in the doorway, eyes wide. “Zane, why is he screaming?”
“I do not know,” Zane said, trying to free his leg of its restraint and failing.
“Nya, come help Zane!” Kai called before turning back to Zane, “I’ll go check on him.”
“I appreciate it,” Zane grunted, slowing his pointless efforts to free himself now that he was no longer in a rush. He frowned down at the basket. Where the heck was he stuck?
Kai barged into Lloyd’s bedroom.
“Kai!” Lloyd cried, reaching out for him.
Kai looked around the room, his panic fading when he saw there was no danger. He sat down on the edge of Lloyd’s bed, trying not to cringe at the smell of alcohol on Lloyd’s breath, as he pulled him into a hug.
“What’s wrong, kid?” he asked.
“I don’t wanna be alone!” Lloyd sobbed, “I don’t-I don’t want t-to be alone! I-I don’t do alone g-good! I-I need you, Kai!”
“Hey, hey, relax. I’m right here. You’re not alone.”
“I-I don’t want to be alone! I’m tired of being alone! Please d-don’t leave me, Kai! Don’t leave—“
“Lloyd,” Kai said, gripping Lloyd’s shoulders and pulling back to look at his face. “I am not going to leave you,” he spoke, punctuating the importance of each of his words by squeezing Lloyd’s arms. “I will never leave you. And neither will Zane, or Cole, or Jay, or Nya. No matter what happens, you are never going to be alone. You will always have us.”
Lloyd whimpered, wiping at his eyes with his fists, and looking like he was ten again.
“Okay?” Kai asked, wanting to make sure Lloyd knew what he was saying.
“Okay,” Lloyd replied. He sniffled, swiping at the remainder of his tears, then looked at Kai again. “I was stupid tonight.”
Kai nodded. “Yes, you were.”
“Are you gonna punish me?”
Kai laughed. “I think your headache tomorrow is gonna punish you enough.”
_______________________________
A few days later, Lloyd sat down at the kitchen table and looked at everyone seriously.
“You look like you wish to say something, nephew,” said Master Wu, stroking his white beard.
“I do,” Lloyd said. He had gone to see his mother earlier today, and he was no longer angry.
The ninja gave him their attention.
“The heart is amazing,” he started, “It breaks, but it has the ability to heal.”
He put a hand on his chest where he could still feel his broken pieces. But some of his pieces had been sewn back together, thanks to his mother. Some of the pieces were slowly merging together to rebuild his heart.
“However, it can only heal in the right environment with the right people.”
That drunken night had proved it to him, and so had the morning after. Because Zane had said he loved him. Kai told him he wasn’t alone. Nya made him coffee. Jay gave him a lecture he’ll never forget. Cole shared his cake with him.
“I want my heart to heal. I want to feel better. I’m ready to talk.”
Because you guys love me, and I know you’ll never break my heart.