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BuzzFeed| @BuzzFeed☑️
So, Spider-Man and Iron Man might be… a thing? And it might be… questionable? Link to full article
Another day another scandal, but this time it’s of the superhuman variety!
The Avengers have never been considered ‘Boring’, hard to be boring when you’re a Boy Band comprised of a mint condition vintage war hero, a Nordic God of Fabio proportions and the most kick-ass red head since Walker Texas ranger.
Safe to say they are no stranger to the world's press, from war mongering and espionage to property damage and loss of civilian life.
This time it's everyone’s favourite Man in a Can that could be in a spot of bother after a minor altercation in Queens earlier today. Iron Man was spotted swooping in to give Spider-Man a helping hand against some gangland act that had our Arachnid friend a little out of his depth.
Civilian on-lookers captured the moment Spider-man suffered an unexplained malfunction of his webbing system mid swing over 40 stories about the ground. (Side note: How does that even work? How can he run out? Does that stuff… Come out of him??)
For a gut wrenching moment, it looks like it could be the end of our friendly neighbourhood spider guy until Iron Man abandons his own fire fight to dive after the falling hero, catching the younger man by the ankle before swinging him up into the most super bridal carry we have ever seen.
Now, here’s where things get a little confusing, we see Iron Man touch down on solid ground, setting Spider-man on his feet before retracting his suits faceplate and pulling his fellow hero into a bone crushing hug.
“Jesus, Kid, you’re gunna give me a heart attack! Seriously, are you okay? Tell my all those cute little fingers and toes are accounted for?” Tony Stark can be heard saying, cupping his hands around the masked heroes face.
“I’m okay! Wow, that was kind of scary! Nice catch old man.”
“Old man? Really? Don’t expect Daddy to catch you next time with those manners.”
“Bold of you to assume there will be a next time.” Spider-Man replies cheekily before the video ends, leaving us – and all of twitter it would seem – shook.
The dialogue between the two supers is leaving the world divided. On one hand we have those absolutely living for this coupling:
5 feet apart | @StarkNaked
Okay but… Tony referring to himself as Daddy is a level of self-awareness that I didn’t know he possessed #Spideystark
Lillieluv | @LuvNYC
My face after seeing Iron Man cup Spider-Man’s face in his hands #Spideystark
And those… not living:
Georgia | @SweetGeorgia
Lets just keep in mind that we don’t know how old Spider-Man is, but I get a seriously young vibe from him and Tony Stark
is most likely taking advantage of a literal child. #antispideystark
Judas no | @doctorwhy
Y’all nasty #antispideystark
Spider-Man's identity is shrouded in mystery so not much is known about the quippy hero, but, as many twitter users have pointed out – he sounds young, he has an almost childlike quality to him that has many people concerned about his connection with the infamous playboy Tony Stark.
There’s been no word from Tony Stark or his team at Stark Industries, specifically there's been radio silence from SI’s CEO Pepper Potts, who is rumoured to be newly engaged to her superhero ex-boss Tony Stark, what does she think about her Man trading her in for a younger model?
Pepper slammed the laptop closed with a frustrated sigh before Tony and Peter could read any more of the article.
“Why is it, that you two find it impossible to give me and our PR team a break?” She asked through gritted teeth, pinching the bridge of her nose to sooth her growing headache.
“Hey, I resent that! I didn’t do anything!” Peter whined from his seat across the conference table.
“And can I really be blamed for being a concerned parent? I watched him fall out of the sky Pep, I wasn’t thinking about how horny the internet is!” Tony cut in, doing his best impression of a Mother in crisis.
“Oh no, you can’t play innocent with me, either of you.” Pepper replied, shaking her head.
“We didn’t plan this Pep! You think I want people to think I’m molesting Spider-Man, making him call me Daddy?”
“Oh God, that’s so gross Dad, don’t ever utter that sentence again.” Peter groaned in disgust; Tony shuddered in agreement.
“I know you didn’t plan it, but you’ve both gotten complacent. Taking your helmet off mid fight, Tony!? Surrounded by gawking people with cell phones! Running out of web fluid Peter? Why did you engage if you were running low? This was all so avoidable, yet here we are.”
Tony and Peter remained silent, looking down, shame faced.
“Now, we need to deal with this… Situation.”
“Why would we deal with? We deal with it by not dealing with it. It’s just a titillating tabloid story Pep, give it a week and some kid on YouTube will say a racial slur and we’ll be in the clear.” Tony replied dismissively. Pepper scoffed, unamused by her partners flippant demeanour.
“Tony, this isn’t like when you told TMZ that you were running for president! People think that you’re abusing a minor!” She stressed.
“You told TMZ you were running for president?” Peter whispered, mildly impressed.
“Yeah, it was a slow news week, thought I’d spice things up.”
“This is Serious!” Pepper exclaimed, tempted to tear her hair out in frustration.
“What’s really serious is that people think I have a Daddy Kink, it’s seriously off brand for a friendly neighbourhood spider-man.” The teen said, face clearly reflecting his disgust.
“OKAY! I don’t wanna hear the words ‘Daddy Kink’ leave your mouth ever again. You know what, the word ‘Kink’ is banned full stop. For you, not for me. Obviously.” Tony cut in with a grimace.
“Stop Kink shaming me.” Peter replied with a smirk. Tony let out a long-suffering sigh, rolling his eyes so aggressively he was surprised they didn’t just fall out of his skull all together.
“Kink shaming is my kink.” He deadpanned.
“I knew it! I knew You were paying attention to my vine compilations.” Peter cried, laughing giddily.
“Stop trying to change the subject, both of you.”
“What do you want me to do Pepper? A press conference? I thought we both agreed that me and press conferences are not a great combo.”
“I don’t want you to do anything, Tony.” She said pointedly, her eyes shifting to Peter. Her gaze softened as she took in the teenagers warry face. Tony looked between his Son and his Fiancée.
“No. absolutely not. He is not doing a press conference! Pepper look at him, he’s the human embodiment of anxiety and awkwardness.”
“Hey, I resent that… But also, true…” Peter snarked to his father.
“Alright, no press conferences, but I still think it should be Peter. You’re too divisive Tony, I’m not sure many people would take your word for it.” Pepper replied, tactfully.
“Am I the only one that recalls that Peter is a secret?”
“Yes, Tony, I do recall. But I –“ She started but was cut off by Peter abruptly.
“They don’t need to hear anything from me. think about it, this isn’t about Tony Stark and Peter Parker, this is about Tony Stark and Spider-Man!” He burst out.
Tony and Pepper were quiet for a few moments, pondering the idea.
“Spider-man is a mystery, he can admit to being my Son without really giving anything away… You gotta admit Pep, it’s kind of genius.” Tony said, impressed. He reached across and ruffled Peters hair affectionately.
“I think it could work… But you said no press, we're gunna need to do more then release a statement.”
A wide, toothy smile spread across Peters face.
“Well… Social media has practically replaced the traditional press –“ Peter began, attempting to sound professional.
“No. You can NOT make Spider-man a twitter Peter, we’ve talk about this.”
“Pepper, please! Look at this from an unbiased standpoint, if Dad were to follow the account and share the tweets the statement would reach millions! And it’s a fact that people - especially millennials - relate to tweets more than a scripted statement, it's more genuine.” He tried desperately to reason
Pepper simply shook her head, face like stone.
“Aw come on! Dad is allowed to have his own Twitter!” he tried, looking to Tony for support.
“Oh no, don’t try and bring me into this. I pick my battles with Pepper and this ain’t one kid.” Tony protested, leaning back in his chair.
“Well, do either of you have a better idea?” Peter asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
Silence filled the room and Peter raised his eyebrows jeeringly.
Pepper narrowed her eyes as she took in the look of satisfaction that had settled over Peter's face.
“Peter, look me in the eye and repeat after me: “I will not, under any circumstances, make a twitter account for Spider-Man.”” She said through gritted teeth.
“I’m sorry Pepper, but I must not tell lies.”
Spidey-Man @SpiderStark
Sorry @Peppotts but I’m a bad bitch and you can’t stop me 🤷🏻