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“Here’s the thing about grief,” Jimin says with a deep sigh, hand clutching the whiskey glass so tightly that it’s surprising it doesn’t crack. “It never ends.”
When Yoongi doesn’t say anything, the man sighs again. He knows his boyfriend is silent because Jimin’s sharing and he doesn’t do that often, so Yoongi’s taking what he can get. But at the same time, he wishes the man he loves would fill the silence with something, anything , just so that he stops talking.
But Yoongi doesn’t, so he keeps going.
“It’s been so long,” he whispers, a deep frown between his eyes as if he’s trying to understand his own words. “It feels utterly stupid to still hurt over this.”
“It’s not stupid,” Yoongi says, voice laced with so much care Jimin almost hates him for it. “Although I have never felt it, I can imagine how it is.”
Jimin chuckles and it comes out dry, almost mockering. He doesn’t mean it to and he hopes Yoongi knows it. But it’s just–it's hard to talk about this. It’s hard to explain grief to someone who has never gone through it.
“You can’t imagine it, darling,” he says in the nicest way he can muster. “There are pains we can only imagine when we’ve felt it. This is one of them.”
Yoongi hums. “Is this why you don’t talk to me about it?” He asks. “Because you think I wouldn’t understand?”
Jimin stares at his full glass and wonders why he accepted the drink in the first place if he absolutely hates whiskey.
“I know you wouldn’t understand.”
“That’s assuming,” Yoongi argues and Jimin looks at him just in time to see his boyfriend chucking the rest of his whiskey into his mouth.
Maybe that’s why he accepted; because Yoongi offered.
The younger man takes a deep breath, still not sure he’s ready to have this conversation. Ready to share. He doesn’t know if Yoongi will understand – he probably won’t. Nobody he has dated ever did.
It’s hard to be in relationships when you’ve lost your first love to death. Jimin learned that a long time ago.
Not that it isn’t his own fault – he has compared every single person he has ever been with to the one he lost and maybe that’s why nothing ever worked for him. Maybe he sabotages himself.
But when he met Yoongi, he thought this is it , I’ll love this person forever . And for a while it was perfect. It was so perfect, in fact, that Jimin thought he was finally out of whatever fucked up mindset he put himself into when he was only a teenager.
And then the anniversary happened.
He had never told Yoongi about his first love or that he died in a terrible car crash when Jimin was only fifteen years old. He didn’t tell him not because he didn’t trust Yoongi or because he didn’t want him to know, but because his love for Hyunjin was something he could not explain, could not measure, could not move on from.
If there’s such thing as The One, Hyunjin was it for him.
And how do you tell your boyfriend that he can’t be your The One because your The One has already come and gone?
“Jimin, talk to me,” Yoongi had begged when he found his boyfriend lying on the floor wailing. Jimin had been there for hours when his boyfriend got home and he wasn’t intending on getting up anytime soon. It hurt too much. “You’ve been sad for weeks and I don’t understand, please talk to me.”
That was the anniversary.
12 years since it had happened.
Jimin didn’t talk to Yoongi that night. He didn’t talk to Yoongi for the next three weeks, completely isolated himself. Didn’t pick up calls, respond texts, opened the door.
And the dancer was absolutely sure Yoongi would get tired of waiting, tired of not getting any answers for this stupid behaviour, but his boyfriend didn’t. When Jimin finally texted him back, Yoongi replied within seconds.
I missed you so much. I’m so worried. I love you.
That’s when Jimin decided to share. He didn’t say much, just a quick one paragraph text to explain what had happened and a request to wait a little longer to know more about this part of his life.
When I was fifteen, I was in love with my best friend. He died. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and that day you found me crying on the floor was his death anniversary. It’s hard for me to talk about this, about him. I hope you understand.
And Yoongi’s reply eased his heart a little bit.
I’m sorry about your loss, my love. I understand.
So now, two months after Jimin’s breakdown, here they are. Talking about it.
“You say I’m assuming you wouldn’t understand,” Jimin mutters slowly, “I’m not. I know you wouldn’t because you can’t and that’s okay, Yoongi. It’s okay that you can’t understand this pain,” he breathes. “Fuck, I’m glad you can’t, I wish I didn’t.”
His boyfriend waits again and Jimin chews on his bottom lip. Sometimes he thinks he’s wasting Yoongi’s time. It won’t be long before he ruins everything and tell him he can’t be the love of his life because he already has one. And then it will be over.
Maybe he should just be honest.
“I think I’ve ruined every relationship I’ve ever been because of this,” he says in a small voice, cheeks suddenly hot.
“Because of your grief?”
“Yes,” Jimin says slowly, “and because of my inability to move on from him.”
Yoongi hums again, hands resting on his lap. He’s still wearing his work clothes, only got his suit out before Jimin approached and told him he was ready to talk.
“Maybe that’s not something you can move on from, Jimin, and you just have to learn ways to cope with the loss.”
Jimin rolls his eyes, “Don’t you think I know that?” He says harshly. “I fucking know that, but it’s hard , I can’t–, I can’t simply erase him. He’s–”
The man stops himself right before he says it. He’s the love of my life .
Yoongi studies him intently for a few seconds and Jimin braces himself for the impact. “He’s what?”
Jimin brings the glass of whiskey to his lips and gulps down the whole thing, liquid burning in his throat as he coughs his way through it. Yoongi puts a hand on his back and soothes him.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” Yoongi sighs. “You’re not used to drinking whiskey, love, let me grab you a glass of water.”
Jimin wants to scream. Why does Yoongi have to be so understanding? So good ? Why does he have to make this so hard by making Jimin love him more and more everyday? Why does he make Jimin feel butterflies and makes him believe he has a second chance at this?
“Stop,” he breathes out before Yoongi can stand up. “Just stop. I–, I don’t want water, I just–, I need you to know.”
Yoongi tilts his head to the side, sharp cat eyes looking into Jimin’s. “Need me to know what?”
Jimin licks his lips. “He’s a shadow,” he whispers. “He will always be a shadow. He’s the reason nothing has ever worked and everyone I dated left. I can’t not love him. He will always be here,” Jimin puts his hand over his heart. “He will always be the one.”
There’s a pregnant pause and then Yoongi has his hand over the one Jimin’s pressing against his own heart.
“I would never ask you to not love him,” he says. “Or to forget him, or to undermine what he means to you. You’re right when you say I can’t understand your grief, but I can respect it, and I do respect it, Jiminie. It’s okay.”
Jimin shakes his head, eyes watering. “How the fuck is it okay? I just told you I will never love you like I love him.”
Yoongi’s expression doesn’t change and before Jimin can push his hand away, his boyfriend holds his. “That’s true,” Yoongi starts. “You’ll never love me like you love him. I think you’re forgetting that we love everyone differently, baby. People have different kinds of impacts in our lives and that’s normal,” Yoongi smiles, gums on display. “That’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“I don’t want you to ever think I’d leave you because part of you belongs to someone else,” he continues, voice soft. “I understand . You loved him and he died. He helped in shaping you into who you are, as a few people were lucky enough to do as well. Maybe this particular person had a greater impact and because of what happened, maybe he stands out the most. And that’s okay, that’s part of you, Jimin. This boy and what happened, it’s all part of you. Part of your story.”
Yoongi wipes the tear Jimin didn’t notice was falling on his cheek.
“What you can’t do is stop yourself from living,” his boyfriend says in the softest of tones. “You can’t stop yourself from loving. You’re too young to close your heart.”
Jimin takes a deep breath, realization downing on him.
Guilt.
He feels guilty for loving Yoongi. Feels guilty for allowing someone else into his heart when he promised he’d forever be Hyujun’s.
That’s what has always been, isn’t it? Guilt. He doesn’t think he’s allowed to love again even when he desperately wants to. Even now, when he obviously does love Yoongi.
“Doesn’t it hurt to hear he’s my The One?” He asks, still clinging to the part of himself that is sure if he pushes him enough Yoongi will leave.
“It hurts that you don’t think you can have more than one love of your life,” Yoongi replies. “And I’m not saying it’s me,” he clarifies and hearing those words spoken makes Jimin want to throw up, “but I think you should be open to the possibility of there existing more than one person for each one of us.”
Jimin intertwines their fingers, bottom lip trembling. “I love you, Yoongi, I love you so much, and maybe that’s why I’m scared. Guilty,” he confesses and it’s such an overwhelming conclusion.
“Baby, don’t feel guilty,” Yoongi kisses his palm. “There’s nothing wrong with love. I never met him, but don’t you think he’d want you to find love again?”
Hyunjin’s face flashes before his eyes. That beautiful smile, the way he’s put his hand over his mouth to laugh - a trade Jimin himself caught -, how he’d kiss him breathless and whisper promises of their lives together. Forever , he’d say, I’ll love you forever. Even if you don’t love me, Park Jimin, I will love you for the rest of my life.
And I’ll love you for the rest of mine , he replied.
“He would.”
Jimin can’t hold his tears anymore and Yoongi doesn’t say anything else. He holds his boyfriend close and let’s him cry it out. But Yoongi doesn’t know that there is no crying out when it comes to this. Grief never ends. The tears will come and go, and with time they’ll come less, as they already do after so long, but they will never go .
“I hate the term passed away,” Jimin mumbles against Yoongi’s soaking wet shirt. “It’s so stupid. What is passed away? Did you move from one place to another? I guess in a sense, but it’s so stupid. Are people trying to ease the impact of the situation?” He asks. “Because saying died is too heavy, right? But it’s stupid.”
“You can talk to me about it, ok?” His boyfriend kisses his forehead. “Always. I will always listen.”
“You say that now, but people get tired of listening,” Jimin sighs, nesting his face on Yoongi’s chest. He had cried for almost an hour, moving from the table to the couch, still wailing on his boyfriend’s arms, but he’s okay now. With a headache and runny nose, but okay. “I used to share a lot about Hyunjin, but people got tired of listening, so I stopped. It’s not like there’s anything knew, it’s always the same pain.”
Yoongi caresses his hair and Jimin closes his eyes. It feels like home.
“I don’t care if it’s the same pain. It’s your pain and I’ll always be here for you, better or worse.”
“That’s a wedding vow,” Jimin giggles and it feels weird to laugh right now, but he won’t stop himself. “God, you’re so annoyingly perfect.”
“Not perfect,” Yoongi argues, kissing his hair. “I just love you, that’s all.”
Jimin smiles. “I love you, too.”
“Tell me about him,” Yoongi whispers. “Tell me about your first love.”
It’s silent for a while - Jimin’s trying to decide what he should say, where he should start. Is scared that the way he says it might scare Yoongi way and make his boyfriend understand just how much he fucking loves Hyunjin.
Jimin realizes that possibility terrifies him.
“We met when I was 12,” he starts, throat dry. “We became instant friends. He was smart, like Namjoon smart,” Jimin chuckles as he imagines both Namjoon and Hyunjin talking about their mutual love for Harry Potter. “He got me into novels, I didn’t like to read before I met him. Actually, I think I decided to read to impress him.”
“Makes sense,” Yoongi comments and it’s light headed. Jimin feels guiddy.
“And I don’t really know when I fell, but I fell and I fell hard. It was innocent at first, just a kid falling for another kid. But as the years went by and we got to share a few of our firsts together, I embraced it as a forever thing, and so did he.”
Jimin trails his fingers on Yoongi’s white shirt.
“He was funny, and he was a poet. He hated to dance and to take pictures, and he loved to sing even if he definitely didn’t know how to,” he giggles again, a lot of happy memories flooding his mind. “He was there for me everyday, even when he was the one who hurt me. He liked to say he put a band-aid in the damage he made himself,” Jimin rolls his eyes. “He wasn’t just my first love. He was my best friend.”
Yoongi hums, “I can see why you love him, Jiminie. Thank you for sharing.”
Jimin looks up at him and is met with the kindest, most loving eyes. “I don’t deserve you.”
“That’s bullshit,” Yoongi scoffs. “You deserve to be happy, to be loved and to be cared for. That’s what Hyunjin wants for you, from wherever he is.”
Jimin feels his eyes get watery again and swallows it down. He could say a million things right now, but he just snuggles against Yoongi’s chest again.
When he told Yoongi he wanted to talk, he prepared himself for having to explain grief, and how it has affected his entire adult life. He prepared himself to go over his pain step by step until he ultimately had to tell Yoongi he’d always be Hyunjin’s.
But as he starts to feel sleepy in Yoongi’s arms, Jimin realizes he wasn’t prepared to understand the truth. To understand that yes, he will always belong to Hyunjin, and that his first love will always be that person to him. But that he’s allowed to move on. He’s allowed to belong to someone else, too. He’s allowed to have another person.
“You are,” he whispers.
“I’m what?” Yoongi asks.
Jimin holds him closer, “The love of my life,” he says and it feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, like he has finally admitted to himself what scared him so much to do. “You both are.”
Yoongi continues to caress Jimin’s hair and doesn’t say anything for a long while, but right as Jimin’s falling asleep he hears the soft whispering of words, “You’re the love of my life, too, Jiminie-ah.”
When he falls asleep, Jimin dreams of Hyunjin, and the boy, still fifteen years old, tells him it’s okay to love again.
Jimin doesn’t know if it’s a projection of his subconscious finally setting him free of a trap he made himself or if it’s some kind of way the universe has found to let him speak to Hyunjin again. Either way, he will take it. Once he dies too, he hopes he can see his best friend again and thank him for everything he did, everything he was.
Yoongi loves you, Jimin, you should let him stay, Hyunjin tells him in his dream. You know that.
Yeah, he knows. He will.