Chapter Text
As with all of these fics, it was a normal, hectic day in the Discord server. Everyone was fighting about something and usually, the fights were pretty petty and juvenile.
Valentine called Dio a slut. Dio called Valentine a whore. Kira sent a hands up emotion on Dio's comment, which sent Valentine through the roof.
Heartman: I thought you were on my side Kira wtf
HelloKira: Well you're acting like a baby just starting shit over nothing.
GucciPucci: ^^^^
I, DIO: YES EVERYONE IS ON MY SIDE. TAKE THAT YOU PINK PERVERT.
Heartman: WELL YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT YOU AREN'T A SLUT DIO I'VE SEEN YOUR FUCKING KIDS. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY YOU'RE STAND IS NAMED THE WORLD? THAT'S WHERE ALL OF YOUR HELLSPAWN ARE LOCATED, DIO. ALL AROUND THE FUCKING WORLD.
I, DIO: LAUGHING OUT LOUD I NEVER DENIED BEING A SLUT. I JUST DON'T LIKE HEARING IT FROM YOU.
HelloKira: Tbh you guys are both kinda slutty....
GucciPucci: Didn't you take a bath with a literal child????
HelloKira: That was to intimidate him. Not to be horny on main.
Kars at this time sent a pigeon mail to everyone, telling them to shut the fuck up and that they're all lowly beings, but nobody paid him any attention.
But wait! I hear the readers cry! Where is the titular character, Diavolo? Well, there is an explanation for that, my friends. No need to worry. Our lovely ex-boss is just convulsing from getting rabies in the corner of his room!
To show that I'm not lying, I cut to Diavolo, sputtering madness as foam pours from his mouth. His pink hair is a greasy mess, mangles with his spit foam and sweat. His mascara is running down his eyes, making black lines streak down his pale skin. He kinda looks like a member of the ICP and they're scary as fuck (Not scary as in "ahhh I'm scared!" but rather "okaaay that freaks me out I'm not touching that").
But how did he get rabies? How could he, Diavolo, locked inside of his cold, dark, hotel room get rabies?
It was because of Gold Experience Requiem.
That's right, GER. Giorno's magnum opus. It was all thanks to GIORNO that Diavolo died roughly two hundred times a day. Some deaths were quick, like him accidentally stepping in front of a car, or jumping out of a plane without a parachute. Others were slow, like that one time he sat on an exploding firecracker, or the time he drank himself to death with carrot juice (Google Basil Brown's death; I'm not lying this shit happened irl).
Yes, GER caused him so much strife that he honestly could not take it anymore. He had tried suicide a bunch of times, but what did that do? It only brought him back to this miserable bitch of an Earth. For days on end he cursed Giorno Giovanna's name, but all it did was make him bitter and bitter.
There has to be a way out of this! He thought as he continued to foam from the mouth like the rabid sewer rat he was. He was cast aside from his gang with Giorno at the top. His ties with the Guard Squad were fractured. It was as if nothing could ever make him happy again.
His phone buzzed more from the other side of the room. The cracked, rose gold iPhone moved slightly from the vibration, giving Diavolo a better view of the screen.
I, DIO: PUCCI I THOUGHT YOU CARED ABOUT ME.
GucciPucci: I do, Dio. But you are acting seriously irrational right now.
I, DIO: BITCH
GucciPucci: Do NOT "bitch" me, Dio. I went to Heaven for you. I do care.
I, DIO: BITCH
"I'VE GOT IT!" Diavolo yelled before he choked on his own spittle foam. After a few seconds of death, it was as if he was struck by lightning. He rose up with a gasp, shivering as if he just came out of ice cold water. His hands fluttered to his chest.
A pulse. He was alive again.
Quickly, before the subject changed in the server, Diavolo grabbed his phone. His fingers trembled as he typed this message...
Di@v0l0: @GucciPucci @I, DIO You two booth care about each other dont figth come on jjst make amwnds
HelloKira: Diavolo, learn to spell, Jesus.
Heartman: Dia where the FUCK where you during all this?
Di@v0l0: Oh just foaming at the mouth lol
Heartman: lol
GucciPucci: Diavolo, that was a really nice thing to say to us.
Di@v0l0: Thank you.
GucciPucci: What do you want?
Di@v0l0: ???
I, DIO: WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE, DIAVOLO? YOU ARE NEVER NICE TO US. IN FACT, IF ANYTHING, YOU WOULD PROBABLY HATE US BECAUSE WE ARE CLOSE TO GIORNO.
"Son. Of. A. Bitch," Diavolo murmured.
Di@v0l0: I can't change?
I, DIO: WHY WOULD YOU ROLLING ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE I AM LAUGHING. THERE IS NO REASON WHY YOU WOULD WANT THIS AT ALL.
Di@v0l0: Well I just thought I might be nice for a bit...
Heartman: You alright there, bud? You're acting kind of weird....
HelloKira: Is this some weird death experience you're having?
Di@v0l0: I CAN BE NICE AND I AM TRYING TO BE NICE.
GucciPucci: @everyone Don't be so rude! Even the worst person can find error in their ways. To move on is to forgive, and Diavolo is acting like a fine gentleman, unlike the rest of you. Diavolo, I'm proud of you.
Diavolo's heart was racing. Pucci was buying it. If Pucci bought it, then he can easily talk Dio into it. This was it! This was his chance towards freedom!
His heart continued to beat. He forced himself to calm down. He couldn't die now. He had them, hook, line, and sinker. All he had to do was pull at the pole, and freedom was his!
Di@v0l0: Thank you Pucci, that was very nice. In fact, I want to do something nice.
I, DIO: LIKE WHAT?
GucciPucci: This isn't necessary, Diavolo.
Oh but it was. It was. Diavolo was a gangster at heart. He knew the system. He knew how to make people follow his lead. He needed a little persuation. Something that made Dio and Pucci know that Diavolo was committed to his "pure" route.
And as a hearty Italian, he knew how to get people to like him. He had to get their trust...through their stomachs!
(This is why Polpo was fat)
Di@v0l0: How about I order you guys a pizza?
I, DIO: A PIZZA!!!!!
I, DIO: From where?
Di@v0l0: Domino's
I, DIO: DOMINO'S!!!!
GucciPucci: That is very thoughtful, but you don't need to do that.
Di@v0l0: But I do! You two, the admins of the server, are the reason why I am socially active. Surely I need to pay you guys back.
I, DIO: I WANT A MEAT LOVERS PIZZA WITH STUFFED CRUST
GucciPucci: If you insist, Diavolo, I would like to have the pacific veggie, please.
Heartman: @Di@v0l0 YO MAN WHAT ABOUT ME AND KIRA?
Di@v0l0: Of course you guys can have pizza too!
"I'm so not getting their orders," Diavolo muttered with a devilish chuckle.
After "getting" Kira and Valentine's orders (which are irrelevant to the plot and thus not described), Diavolo then got off of Discord and called his local Domino's, placing the order.
Now, it was all a matter of time. The clocks in his hotel room tic-tocked on the clock but the party don't stop no woooah oh oh ohed loudly, reverberating into his eardrums. His heart began to race.
As soon as the pizza delivery man came at the door, he knew what he was going to do. He was going to thank the man, pay him, and then donut him with King Crimson to preserve his identity. He decided to pay before donutting him because if he didn't pay him at all, it would be very rude.
There was a loud noise rapping at his door, breaking him from his thoughts. It was him! The pizza man! Oh glorious day, he was finally free from the curse of GER!
He opened the door with a clammy hand, staring right at the pizza man.
"Mr. Naso?" He asked. "Your pizza is here."
Diavolo did....nothing. He stared at the man with his mouth gaped open happily like a smile. A fly went in and out of it.
"Um...Mr. Naso?"
But Diavolo could do nothing. He was having a heart attack.
He face planted on the ground. The pizza man yelling in shock.
"Sir!" He dove down to feel for a pulse. It was weak. "Don't worry Mr. Naso, I'm getting help!"
Diavolo's vision became blurry. It felt as if someone had sumurged him underwater.
"Losing consciousness....yes.....need doctor.....pulse.....weak....."
Then, everything went black.
Diavolo was dead.