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“Elaine, it’s Jerry Seinfeld,” a voice crackled over the intercom.
“I’ll be right down,” she replied.
He was five minutes early for their date, she thought. They were going ice skating. Ice skating! Not something she would typically agree to, but she was excited -- it was like something out of the movies. Maybe she agreed because of those stupid jokes he would tell -- a sort of comedian’s charm. But to be honest, it was that stupid, toothy grin that he flashed at the party where she met him. They were firing witty anecdotes at each other and somehow he managed to get her number out of her.
Well, she thought, she had kept him waiting long enough, so she put the final touches on her makeup and shoved her ice skates in her bag and marched out the door. If she didn’t have the confidence for this date, then she’d just have to fake it. She spied him leaning against a streetlamp. He was facing the street and watching the cars whir past him in a blur. It looked as if the night would swallow him up when he turned around and spotted her looking at him from the lobby of her building. He approached the door, wearing that same dopey smile from the other night.
“Elaine, how are you?” he inquired politely. His voice sounded smooth and confident, but he strung his words together quickly, as if he, too, was nervous.
“Swell. Now come on, where exactly are you taking me?” she asked.
Shit, she thought, am I coming across as impatient? Abrupt? Oh, well. She shouldn’t be apologetic for something so trivial and innate in her. He was bound to find out sooner or later that she wasn’t all flirty smiles and facetious remarks.
“Relax, we’ll take a cab to a quiet rink.”
Then, Elaine saw a remarkable sight. At first, she wasn’t quite sure what he was doing. Jerry was flailing his limbs in a frenzy like some sort of mental patient. And then it occurred to her: he was trying to hail a taxi.
Meanwhile, Jerry was continuing this spectacle as taxi after taxi sped past him without giving him any thought. So she decided to put an end to his misery and let out a sharp, high-pitched whistle.
Jerry gaped, in awe, as a driver smoothly pulled up in front of Elaine.
“Close your mouth, you wouldn’t want to catch any flies, would you?” she quipped as she held the door open for him.
The pair slid into the car and Jerry cut his eyes at her before directing the driver to their destination. “Bryant Park, please.”
“You know,” he paused, “I just did that for your own entertainment back there.”
“Aha. Sure,” Elaine replied, clearly unconvinced. “You do that for all your dates? Because, I have to say that little show was enchanting. Honestly, I’m getting stirred up just thinking about it.”
Jerry rolled his eyes and smiled, “No. Just you.”
That was a different kind of smile, Elaine thought, he’s mocking me. She wondered just how many of the different nuances of Jerry Seinfeld that she would get the chance to see.
“Here’s good,” Jerry said and handed over some cash to pay for the fare.
Jerry locked eyes with Elaine. In that moment, they both had the same thought: I’ve got to open that door before (s)he does.
They both went after the doors of the taxi at the same time. Elaine kept trying her door, but it was jammed. Just as Jerry walked around and reached for the handle of the door, Elaine thrust the door open.
“I don’t need that chivalry crap,” Elaine asserted.
“You’ve got a bit of an acid tongue there, Lainey, and I like that.”
“I don’t fucking care if you like it,” she said, rolling her eyes. “So this is the place?” Elaine asked, trying to conceal her enchantment.
Elaine flopped down on the nearest bench and started to strap her skates on.
“Here, let me help you,” he offered.
Okay, she thought, so maybe a little gentlemanly assistance every now and then is okay. She watched him as he laced up her skates. His breath escaped from his lips and drifted off into the night. The dim light from the street lamps reflected off his dark hair.
It wasn’t until he had to tap her skate a couple of times to indicate he was ready for the other foot, that she realized how intently she had been studying him.
“Something on your mind?” he asked as he continued.
“No, it’s nothing,” she murmured, still lost in thought.
“Okay, you’re all set,” he said.
While Jerry worked on his own skates, Elaine explored the rink on her own. Though, she was not exactly a veteran ice skater, she could maneuver around pretty well. She liked that Jerry picked Bryant Park, it was a relatively popular spot, but it was no where near as crowded as Central Park was at this time of year. There was enough space for each pair to keep to themselves, but one still had the advantage of safety in numbers.
By now, Jerry had made his way onto the rink, but he was clearly struggling, so Elaine sashayed over to help him, or rather mock him.
“Now explain to me, Jerry,” she began, smug. “Why would you suggest ice skating, if you can barely stand right now?”
“Elaine,” he said, wobbling closer to her. “I thought it would be romantic,” he said through gritted teeth. “You know,” he began, “being in show business has its perks,” he said with an air of arrogance.
Elaine rolled her eyes. “It does now?”
If this guy is such an arrogant asshole, Elaine thought, then why do I like him so much?
“In fact,” he continued, “a fellow guy in the biz gave me the idea.”
“Really?” she pressed. “Who?”
“Do you really want to know?” he asked, capitalizing on her interest.
“Yes! Come on!” she whined.
“David. Letterman.”
“GET OUT!” Elaine exclaimed and with the strength of a man twice her size, shoved Jerry onto the ice.
“AH! ELAINE! I THINK I BROKE SOMETHING!”
“Oh my God! Jerry, I’m so sorry. I just got really excited and --”
“Elaine stop apologizing and help me!”
“Okay, okay. I’m going to take you home.”
Elaine held out her hand and helped Jerry hobble over to the bench. Jerry foolishly forgot to lock up their shoes and only Elaine’s were left.
“Damn it, Jerry! Somebody stole your shoes!”
“I can see that,” he winced.
Elaine started to fervently yank off Jerry’s skates.
“Elaine! You’re hurting me!”
“Shut up, Jerry, I’m trying!” she exclaimed as she yanked off his left shoe and moved onto her own.
Elaine dragged Jerry along with her to the sidewalk and her sharp whistle, once again proved effective.
As Jerry semi-calmly directed the driver to his apartment, the worry was visible on Elaine’s face.
“And step on it!” she said in a loud, slightly shaky voice.
“Elaine, shut up,” Jerry says through clenched teeth, “it’s not a big deal.”
“Yes it is, Jerry!” Elaine exclaims, not bothering to lower her voice.
“Would you two stop bickering. We’re here,” grumbled the driver in a coarse voice.
Elaine handed over a wad of cash to the driver, mouthed “Sorry,” and dragged Jerry out of the car. “Geez, what have you been eating,” she whined.
“I’m on the second floor,” Jerry wheezed and Elaine pushed the elevator button.
“ELAINE, I wanted to push the button.”
“Shut up, we’re on your floor.”
“It’s the last door on the left.”
“Give me your keys,” Elaine grumbled and snatched them out of Jerry’s hand.
Elaine yanked Jerry along to the couch when an unfamiliar, lanky man burst through Jerry’s door.”
“Jerry…” he said, “You don’t look so good.”
Jerry craned his neck to look at the lanky doofus and glared at him. “Elaine, this is my neighbor, Kramer.”
“How do you do?” he asked and stuck out his hand.
“Splendid, thanks. I’m Elaine.” Elaine said with a hint of bitterness.
“Jerry, I like your new lady friend. Anyways, I’ve got a charity that you need to donate to.”
“Need?”
“Jerry, you’ve just got to help the Krakatoans.”
“Krakatoans?” Elaine asked.
“Yeah, of East Java.”
“I don’t know…” Jerry trailed off.
“Elaine,” Kramer turned to her, “the Krakatoans… they’re suffering.”
“Pass,” Elaine said, without remorse and began browsing Jerry’s fridge,
“Eh… you know what, here’s fifty bucks for the Krakatoans,” Jerry said reluctantly.
There’s no way that charity is real, Elaine thought to herself.
“Now get out of here. You’re not getting any more money out of me,” he said as he shoved a few wrinkled bills into Kramer’s eager hands.
Just after Kramer slammed the door behind him, Elaine asked, “Listen, are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’m sorry this didn’t exactly go as planned…”
“No worries, maybe we can give it another shot some time,” she said, flashing her own brand of sly smile.
She planted a kiss on his lips. “Call me.” She winked and strutted out the door.