Work Text:
It's early on a Saturday morning, Phil is still awake.
The last he checked, it was 5:37 a.m. and he's now refusing to look at the clock until the sun is up. He's tried everything in order to get to sleep but his mind is doing laps and it never settles.
He's sure part of his issue is this bed, at least he's blaming it on that. It's cheap and lumpy and definitely not up to his usual mattress standards.
But he couldn't stay in their bed, not with Dan that close.
Not tonight.
Things have been tense lately and Phil just feels so confused at this point. He knows he loves that man with his whole heart and body and mind. It hurts him to think of a life without Dan, but his mind is wandering.
It's creeping into corners that he thought it never would and he would be a liar if he said it wasn't impacting his relationship with Dan.
He's tried to stop, to cut out the thoughts when the appear, but it's becomes more forceful the more he resists. It feels like a constant tug of war in his brain, the Dan side having almost all of the power, but the other has a few trick moves that catches Phil off balance and pulls him away from everything he loves -- everything to do with Dan.
--
Poppy. It all started with her.
They had a meeting about business accounts, she works in financial planning and was part of their team at the bank. Dan was dealing with the lawyers about licensing, so Phil decided to tackle the financial part alone.
He's been regretting that decision everyday since.
She was attractive. As gay as Phil was, he had eyes. Dark brown hair that fell around her shoulders and piercing green eyes, she was maybe only 5'2" and had a slender frame. Maybe what you would call petite.
But she was funny and quite the nerd and they chatted through too much of their meeting about unrelated things.
In a lot of ways, Poppy reminded him of Dan.
And when that realization hit him a few days after their meeting, the guilt set in.
Phil was thinking about this girl in comparison to the love of his life. He had only spent an hour with her and she had set up a little shop in Phil's brain.
The first night he had a dream about her, he woke up in a cold sweat. It was one of those dreams where you wake up believing everything that had happened was real.
Phil had left Dan for Poppy. Had started a new life. Left YouTube and London, everything he knew. Everything he loved.
It left him wondering and confused about why he was suddenly dreaming of this girl. He couldn't remember ever having dreams of being with a girl, it's always been boys - even his subconscious fantasies have always been gay.
So when the next dream happens and it's hot and he wakes up hard in bed next to Dan, he runs to the spare room. After trying to will himself to forget, he shamefully deals with his problem staring at a photo of Dan on his phone to shove the image of Poppy out of his brain.
This happens frequently for almost a month. Phil's brain is riddled with shame and he's been fighting with Dan over the smallest things. He wants to keep him at a distance so he doesn't have to admit to his feelings.
When he receives an email from Poppy about another meeting, he knows he needs to shove everything out of his head and be professional.
He also suggests Dan could come with him too many times before the meeting. Dan all but laughs at him for being ridiculous, Phil's the numbers guy, there's no point in having Dan there. They have too much to do for them to both waste all that time at the bank.
So he goes alone. He's sweating uncontrollably as he walks into the building and prepares to see her again.
It's possible she's even more gorgeous than the last time he saw her. She has a giant smile on her face, seeming to beam at Phil as she walks over to greet him.
They have a great time and a great meeting. He forgets his inner turmoil because he's laughing too hard.
That night, he didn't even get into bed with Dan. He caused a fight over a video edit just so he wouldn't have to be near him. Fearful he might expose his feelings if he got too close.
--
Phil's staring blankly at the ceiling when he hears footsteps coming towards the door. He takes a deep breath as Dan creaks the door open slowly.
"Phil, you awake?" Dan barely whispers, only sticking his head in the room.
He could lie, pretend he's sleeping. Dan's not close enough with the dark to be able to tell if he's actually awake.
But maybe he misses Dan. He misses the comfort he finds in his arms. So he rolls over.
"Ya, hi," he sounds pathetic.
Dan shuffles into the room and pulls himself into the bed and under the covers. He crawls in behind Phil and wraps him in a hug.
His head rests in the crook of Phil's neck and he whispers into his ear.
"Why are you in here again?"
"I couldn't sleep," there's more to it, but Phil can't admit that to Dan. Not when his arms are wrapped around him like this.
"Babe, I think you need to talk to your doctor again, you haven't slept in weeks. There has to be something to help." Phil can tell Dan's eyes are closed and he's half asleep but he was concerned enough to get out of bed and find Phil.
The concern in his voice cracks the wall Phil's been building between them just a bit. "Maybe. My head just won't stop," he admits.
"What's going on in there? The last time it was this bad was before tour," his breath on Phil's neck feels like comfort and home. Phil's so tired it almost brings him to tears. He's missed him.
"It's nothing, just stupid stuff," he's not sure why he can't tell him. They tell each other everything.
"Not stupid if it's keeping you awake like this. Have you talked to Dr. Khan about it?"
Dan's not pushing him to say anything. The man is a saint. He just wants Phil to talk to someone, even if it's his therapist instead of him.
"...no."
This makes Dan sit up. Dan trusts the process of therapy over most things. It's helped them through some rough and stressful times, both personally and in their relationship.
"C'mere, please," he shoves at Phil's shoulder lightly.
Phil complies. He turns around and sits up against the headboard. He grabs his glasses from the nightstand and really looks at Dan for the first time in weeks. His hair is a mess of frizzy curls, pushed off of his head and his eyes are puffy, like he hasn't slept at all tonight either. A small smile plays on his lips and his eyes look clear and content.
He's beautiful.
"You don't have to tell me what's going on in there, but you can if you want. You know I love hearing about what your crazy subconscious comes up with," Dan squeezes his thigh and shuffles himself closer.
He needs to tell him, this is insane. Phil won't leave this man for anything, it's just been some stupid attraction to someone. They always tell each other when they find a guy attractive, Dan even pointing out people of other genders in the past. They point out men on the street all the time so they both don't miss out on the view. Just because this one happened to be female, shouldn't make a difference.
Phil take a giant breath in and closes his eyes as he breathes out. There's no reason to keep this inside any longer, eating away at him.
"I think I fancy a girl..." his voice is low, embarrassed almost.
Dan almost laughs, but catches it in his throat. "Really? You? Phil Lester? Phil 'I love men and everything they have to offer me' Lester?" It's said with a smile. Dan knows better than anyone how much Phil lusts over men and as far as he can remember, he's never expressed an interested in any girl in front of him.
It makes the wall crack a bit further and he shrugs. "I don't know why..." Phil trails off, he's not even sure what he's suppose to say.
"Well is she fit? Who is it?"
"Poppy, from the bank." This is mortifying. "She's pretty."
The light bulb goes off in Dan's brain, "That's why you wanted me to come to that meeting with you! Maybe I should have come to get a look at her if she caught your interest."
"Dan, please stop. I'm so confused," Phil curls his legs up to his chest and drops his head to his knees.
There's a slight chuckle from Dan, "Babe, this isn't a big deal at all. If she's well fit, you're allowed to look and find her attractive. Just because she doesn't have a dick doesn't mean you can't fancy her."
"But Dan, I'm gay. Like very, very gay and I've been having dreams about her. I've never even kissed a girl. I'm 32 years old, I've already had a sexuality crisis, I don't need another one..." Phil talks straight into his pj bottoms, he can't even look at Dan right now.
He feels Dan shift on the bed and feels his hand on his arm.
"Babe, seriously. A girl caught your eye, it's not like you acted on it. Maybe she's just your type so it sparked something in your dreams, just like it did when you realized the type of guy you like when you were 12."
Phil just grumbles. he supposes it makes sense.
"So, how hot were the dreams? Was it Thor level hot?"
"Ughhh, Dan. Stop. I've been having a crisis."
Dan puts his hands up, as if he's dropping the subject. "Okay, sorry. But really, stop stressing about it. You know all of my perv dreams, now I know yours - yours just happen to be cute girls from the bank."
"But it felt like more than a dream. It just felt like a lot, I can't stop thinking about her for some reason."
Dan's prying Phil's hands from where he has them huddled around himself. "Maybe you're only like 99.5% gay, and Poppy is your .5% of straight. It's just freaking you out because it hasn't happened before."
"Maybe..." Phil's not convinced but it's a better explanation than the one in his head. He still feels really gay though.
His fingers are being intertwined with Dan's and his thumbs are stroking the back of his hands. It's comforting.
"Has it crossed your mind that you want to quit what we have. Forget the ten years that we've spent together and go be with Poppy instead?"
"Of course not. I want you."
"There you go, you're good."
Phil just looks at him. He's skeptical. He doesn't know how Dan's being so calm about this.
"Is this --" Dan stumbles over his words a little, like he's scared he'll say the wrong ones. "Is this a sex thing? Are you wondering what it would be like with a girl?"
Is it? He doesn't think so, although he'd like a liar if he said he'd never thought about. He shakes his head anyways.
"No. Although the dreams were a bit..."
Dan's eyebrows go up with curiosity.
"...intense. They woke me up a few times, I had to deal with the situation."
"PHIL! Why didn't you wake me up to help you! That's hot!"
"I WAS MORTIFIED DAN, I literally ran from the room and came in here to stare at a picture of your face instead."
Dan pauses at that admission. His eyebrows almost fly off of his head and his jaw drops. "You're saying that instead of jumping me, you ran your horny little self into this room and rubbed one out looking at my face on a screen instead of the real deal just down the hall... I can't believe you right now."
Phil drops to the bed and buries his face in Dan's lap.
"Why do you just think my old age sexuality crisis is hot?" Phil's pouting now. Dan's calm reaction is making him feel less horrified. He's just embarrassed it's gone on this long.
"Sorry but you know how I get when I hear of your solo wanks."
Phil sighs dramatically, he's starting to feel his utter exhaustion and the sun is going to start rising any moment.
"Can we just go to sleep now?"
Dan's face turns serious, "Are you okay though, actually?"
Phil nods, "Ya, guess I'm just not really ready to face the fact that I might be attracted to something that doesn't have a penis. Feels weird."
He shifts to the edge of the bed, and grabs Dan's hand. "C'mon. I want our bed."
Dan follows him out the spare room and down the hall into their own.
Phil's half asleep in Dan's arm when he hears, "I expect you to wake me up if you have another dream about her. We're going to play out that fantasy of yours, Lester."
He can't help but smile at his ridiculous boyfriend as he finally falls asleep.