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"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOST HIM?!" Izuna shouted.
"DON'T LOOK AT ME," Hikaku exclaimed equally as loud before pointing an accusing finger at the tall woman standing a few feet away. "TOUKA WAS ON HOKAGE DUTY."
"Fuck off, I was not!” Touka snarled.
Hashirama raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Now, everyone, we shouldn't be blaming each other. This was bound to happen."
"Strong words coming from the person who actually was on Hokage duty," his cousin pointed out.
A chill ran up the older man's spine as a pair of angry Sharingan eyes were directed at the esteemed advisor for their Hokage and clan head. Hashirama laughed nervously, eyes closed to protect himself from whatever genjutsu Hikaku was liable to stick him in.
"You were the one in charge of Aniki?" Izuna growled at the shinobi.
"I wouldn't say 'in charge', I was doing my part in monitoring him," Hashirama replied with his best convincing smile.
"And what were you doing when he ran off?"
The brunet gulped, he opened a single eye to gauge how angry the Uchiha were. "I was picking flowers for Mito.."
"Hashirama!" they yelled in unison.
"I know!" said man wailed. "I'm a horrible friend! Poor Madara is somewhere in the village doing Sage knows what!"
Hikaku collapsed on the couch in the Hokage's office with a heavy sigh. This was not how he wanted to spend his afternoon.
"Not to sound like an idiot, especially when Hashirama's already got that position filled," Touka said, she ignored the following whine, "but how exactly did Madara-sama become, uh, indisposed?"
"It had to be that stupid flower from Kiri, he was fine until he slept in his office with that damn thing in there yesterday," Izuna growled out.
"You really think a plant made Madara turn into a wild animal?" Hashirama asked.
"It's the only explanation. That fucking Kiri ambassador said it would have a 'desirable' effect on him. I just thought it was like a erectile dysfunction kind of thing!"
Touka gave a scandalized gasp. "Wait, is Madara-sama-"
"I don't know and now I regret two things. My ignorance and the fact that I'm now thinking about the condition of my brother's dick."
"You can think about your brother's performance issues later, we have to find him before word gets out that the Hokage isn't of sound mind," Hikaku stated.
"Oh, I know!" Hashirama clapped his hands together. "We'll ask Tobirama! He isn't the village's strongest sensor for nothing."
"You have a point. All right, go drag that grumpy bastard out of his lab and make him find my brother." Izuna turned his head in the direction of the taller Senju. The only indication he was glaring was the furrow of his dark brows. "And if you don't find Aniki by dinner, Tobirama's going to need to be finding you instead."
Hashirama nodded like the obedient ninja he was before beating a hasty retreat towards his clan's compound. Once he was gone, Izuna ordered his cousin to take the perfectly innocuous plant sitting on the Hokage’s desk to the Yamanakas in the hopes that they could identify the plant.
"As for you, Touka, help me figure out how we'll trap Madara back into his house when he's acting like a-like a-"
Touka raised a brow. "Like a cat?"
"I don't want to use the C-word," the man groaned.
Hashirama climbed the stairs two at a time to get to his brother's office in the Academy. As it turned out, Tobirama was not at his lab, and was in his office doing his work as the school's headmaster. The jounin mentally scolded himself for forgetting his brother's ever strict schedule. He'd wasted precious time looking for the white haired Senju back at the compound. Hashirama may be heralded as the God of Shinobi, but Izuna didn't get to be the Jounin Commander without proving how deadly he was even without the Sharingan.
"Tobi!" The brunet slammed the door open and let out a pitiful cry when his brother was not at his desk. "Toooobbbbiiiiii!!! Where did you gooooooo???"
"Anija, I'm right here, stop crying," a beautifully familiar voice responded from inside the room.
"Tobi?" Hashirama stepped into the office.
A hand shot up from behind the desk, callous and pale, before dropping back down. His despair disappeared and was replaced with curiosity, the Senju clan head approached the Mokuton made desk to peer over the edge. The sight that greeted him had the man rubbing at his eyes and blinking to clear it of any debris because, yeah, it was still the same.
Tobirama Senju was sitting on the floor doing paperwork on a standing food tray with Madara Uchiha, Hokage of Konohagakure, wrapped around his waist like a human blanket and dead asleep.
The older man wished he was a day drinker, at least he'd have an explanation for what was occurring right before his very eyes.
"Is there something you need, Hashirama?" Tobirama asked as he put down his brush beside a discarded bowl of ramen.
"I was going to ask you to help me find Madara, but apparently he's chosen to nap clustered around you."
A hum. "Yes, it seems someone took their eyes off him and he found his way here."
"And you let him stay?"
"It was the path of least resistance," the white haired shinobi sighed. "He came in through the window, hopped onto my desk, and refused to move. I was trying to have lunch when he kept whining at me to share, I couldn’t even finish it before he started kneading at my thighs--remind me to tell Izuna to cut his damn brother's nails, I have welts--and knocked me out of my chair." When he looked up at Hashirama's face, he scowled at the visibly pleased expression on his face.
"Aww, Tobi, I knew you had a soft spot for Madara!" the brown haired man crowed.
"Untrue, I just wanted to finish going through these applications, and I wasn't going to let this afflicted imbecile affect that," Tobirama grunted.
"Then why didn't you send a clone to fetch Izuna or myself?"
"Waste of chakra. I knew sooner or later someone would come to fetch him. It would look bad if the leader of our village is caught in his current state. Plus, I figured if he follows me home then I can run some tests and find out what’s wr-"
Hashirama grabbed the nearest object, a scroll, and chucked it at his younger brother's head. The latter dodged it, but that's not the point.
"No experimenting on Madara!" He wagged his finger like he was scolding a particularly troublesome child. "We'll explore our other options before you dissect him!"
"It wouldn't be dissection because he's alive, you're thinking vivi-"
Hashirama covered his ears with both hands. "I don't want to know, just don't cut him open!"
"All right.. but what about a simple-"
"No, Tobi." The dark haired Senju did his best impression of their late father's scowl. It wasn't nearly as effective.
During their back-and-forth, Madara woke up from his nap and yawned. He idly stretched his limbs until several cracks were heard and he was laying out less curled around the younger man. Madara shifted to sit upright next to his newfound cushion, and looked between the brothers. Deciding he didn't care much for whatever was transpiring, nor was he pleased that he was awake and he wasn't getting any of Tobirama's attention, he grumbled before nudging his head firmly into the red eyed man's neck and jaw. Blissful purrs escaped his mouth when Tobirama lifted his hand to scrape and massage his scalp through the mass of always wild hair.
Hashirama was speechless.
"Anija, do us all a favour, and go get Izuna. I suspect he'll want to know what his alley cat of a brother is up to."
"Okay, will you two be fine while I'm gone?"
The older Senju wasn't quite sure how his dear baby brother and his best friend who can't pick up chopsticks without his mouth managed to sport identical looks of contempt. He hurriedly made his way out, this time around slamming the door closed as he went to tell Izuna that Hashirama Senju would get to live another day.
With Hashirama gone, Madara moved to anchor his body with his surprisingly sharp nails digging into his victim's legs.
Tobirama let out a pain induced hiss. "Madara, please, I'm trying to work. Can't you go back to sleeping on my lap? I actually enjoyed that, it was like working at a kotatsu."
Undeterred, the Uchiha swiftly pounced on him, sending them both falling back into the array of cushions Tobirama had the foresight to lay down.
He huffed. “I hope you know I’m never going to let you forget this, Madara. Hokage or not.”
The aforementioned man responded by going back to nudging his captive’s head with his own, wordlessly asking for the attention he craved. He didn’t stop until he felt hands hold his in place and warm lips press against his forehead, his eyelids dropped to half mast in delight. The hands curled in his locks to pull his head back enough for Tobirama to look him in the eyes.
“Am I really not going to be allowed to finish my work? This is what you pay me to do.”
His answer came in the form of tender nuzzles to his face. At that, Tobirama let go of any hopes of getting his work done and focused on relaxing into the pillows and stroking Madara’s head. The path of least resistance obviously.
By the time Hashirama returned with two Uchihas and another Senju, Madara and Tobirama were snoozing on the floor surrounded by discarded papers and pillows.
At least they all knew where to find their feral Hokage.