Work Text:
I can't steal you the stars
But I can give you this second hand heart
All your friends think I'm hopeless, they don't understand
That this imperfect love can start over again
It's been broken apart
But will you still take my second hand heart?
-Second Hand Heart, Ben Haenow
“I don’t understand what you want from me Tae, nothing I ever say or do is good enough anymore. Maybe you’re not looking for an end to the problems you’re having, but for an end to this relationship. Have you ever thought about that?”
The front door is slammed shut before Taehyung can formulate a response. It’s always the same story; pick at his wounds silently until he’s ready to blow up and then spring an argument on Jeongguk to try and get out some of his frustration.
He’ll probably get a text from Jimin soon, angry on Jeongguk’s behalf when he inevitably turns up at his doorstep after working off his own annoyance along the Han river.
Taehyung doesn’t know why he does it. Well, that’s a lie, he does, but he doesn’t know why he lets it get so bad.
Sometimes his thoughts are just too heavy and loud, and there’s nothing he or anyone else can do to tame them. It’s times like this that make him not want to be around anyone that isn’t Jeongguk, meaning that sadly, when the wire is lit and the fuse blows, Jeongguk's usually waiting there alone on the first line.
This time, he had felt the toxic smoke taking over slowly. It had seeped into his ears when his snotty co-workers talked down at him and crawled into his mind when nothing seemed to go right. The tendrils had spread with his inability to do anything creative that he didn’t hate by the end of creating it. He had ruined three paintings in the past week; canvas broken, papers crumpled, paintbrushes snapped. He kept terrified tears hidden in-between pages of notebooks as he questioned is this it? Is this the block he isn't going to get back up from?
The tendrils eventually grew claws that poked at his brain until any energy he had was put into just sleeping and eating. He somehow managed to keep a small reserve, used to throw himself on the sofa beside Jeongguk after work. Offer him coffee in the mornings. Press his face against his back at night. Because it's Jeongguk, and Taehyung never wants him to truly see the inevitable.
But then work had pulled him out of a project due to not turning in his proposal on time, and a personal client had hated his ideas for the art they wanted to be hung on their living room wall.
They were boring anyway, he tried to tell himself, the couple had wanted the piece to fit in with their cream and white space; nothing colourful or exciting. But still, their rejection had hurt, and it had been the catalyst that finally turned the gas clouding his mind into a burning fire that had spread through his body until an unsuspecting Jeongguk had suggested they go out for the night and...
Taehyung had just blown. Again.
“Why would you ask that?”
Jeongguk had turned around, confused,
“What?”
His confusion had been wood kindle to the flames.
“You know I’m busy. You know I have so much to do. You know that. Don’t you know that?”
Jeongguk’s eyes were tired when they looked at him from where he was standing against the kitchen island. Taehyung was sure his were crazy.
“I thought it would give you a break, you’ve been in your studio for hours”
Taehyungs heart had been beating so loud he could hear it vibrating in his ears.
“A break! How can I take a break? If I take a break I’m never going to get this commission finished and I’m not going to be able to plan for the other projects work wants me to do. If I lose another one they’re going to fire me. Do you want that? Do you want me to get fired?”
Taehyung had known he sounded slightly hysterical, but he didn’t care. He had so much anxiety racing in his chest that needed to come out and the words were spilling too fast for him to think about.
“Just because your job means you get to do what you want, doesn’t mean everyone else’s does!”
That one had made Jeongguk frown, letting Taehyung know was close to pushing too far, but he couldn’t stop.
“You don’t even care about me!”
Jeongguk rarely reacts, rarely feeds the ugly monster when Taehyung acts like this. Usually, he just lets him get it out or leaves, sometimes both. But this time he had taken a step forward.
Taehyung reacted with taking one back. Jeongguk looked hurt.
“Stop being stupid Tae”
Taehyungs eyebrows had risen to his hairline, making Jeongguk visibly grimace.
“Oh, so now you think I’m stupid? My work is stupid to you?”
“I didn’t say that-”
“No, you just said what I’m doing is stupid. Don’t worry, I heard you.”
Jeongguk had stepped forwards again but Taehyung wasn’t having it. The anger in his stomach had been starting to choke him and he would rather shout than cry. He knows it’s always better to be angry than to be sad.
“You’re just like everyone else! You think I’m stupid! Well, news flash, I don’t care!”
Taehyungs lip had wobbled, so he turned around before Jeongguk could see it. Below the simmering irritation on the surface, he knew he was wrong, but didn’t want to admit how nice a break sounded. He just needed a break. It wasn’t Jeongguk’s fault.
But, he also needed something to get the ugly feeling out of his chest, and his paintbrushes had suffered enough.
A heavy sigh.
“Come on Taehyung”
The rage, like lighting, shocked him again, until he was shouting at the top of his lungs, desperate to get away from the feeling.
“I DON’T CARE!”
The room lapsed into silence, only heavy breathing from Taehyungs side breaking through the bleak atmosphere for a few seconds before Jeongguk stood up straight from the counter, heading over to the front door. Taehyung kept his back to it as his shoulders finally started to shake, the sound of Jeongguk putting his shoes on hurting his heart but he was too embarrassed to turn around.
“I don’t understand what you want from me Tae, nothing I ever say or do is good enough anymore. Maybe you’re not looking for an end to the problems you’re having, but for an end to this relationship. Have you ever thought about that?”
It had hurt. The sound of the door closing had hurt.
It always does, after he does this.
Had he pushed too far this time? Is Jeongguk finally going to realise he’s so much better off without him?
The text from Jimin never does come.
Instead, Taehyung wallows in his own self-pity and guilt, sitting on the floor outside his studio, refusing to go in and work but also not wanting to move too far from it.
He could have gone out with Jeongguk. He hasn’t done anything productive anyway. The whole thing was for nothing.
He was so horrible to Jeongguk, for nothing. He was stressed and angry at work and his clients and took it out on poor Jeongguk. Jeongguk, who is kind and sweet, who knows when to let Taehyung work and when to step in. Jeongguk, who is there for all the bad nights, stress night terrors, who never asks for anything back. Jeongguk, who he loves, with all of his heart, who thinks Taehyung wants to end their relationship.
Taehyung lays his head on the cold wooden flooring of the hallway and cries until his heart feels like its breaking. It might well actually be. He wouldn't be surprised.
He cries about falling out of love with his job, and then about falling out of love with his art. He cries about how his friends have become so distant, how he’s let them drift away, about how much they don’t understand each other anymore. He cries about shouting at Jeongguk, and then cries about what he said to him some more.
He must cry for a while because suddenly he’s waking up but can’t remember falling asleep. The floor is uncomfortable where his cheek is pressed to it, and he’s shivering lightly. He blinks up and realises the hallway light has been switched on, which is what must have woken him up. Light footsteps pad across the floor around the corner and Taehyung closes his eyes again. He’s so incredibly guilty, and although he just wants to say sorry, he doesn’t know if he can right now. He feels so ashamed.
Jeongguk slips into the hallway quietly, his feet light, but Taehyung hears when he stops. He lays still and squeezes his eyes closed tighter, well aware of how pathetic he looks laying on the floor in-between their bedroom and his studio.
He half expects Jeongguk to carry on walking past him, ready for bed as it must be in the early hours now, but he doesn’t. He takes a few steps forward and sits down beside him, reaching out to put his hand on Taehyungs back instead.
“I know you’re awake”
Taehyungs eyes are swollen and sore but he still manages to let a few more pathetic tears drip down his face, the drops splashing the short distance to the floor.
“I’m sorry”
It comes out without his permission, choked up and weak, but he still said it.
Jeongguk sighs, shuffling over to lay behind him, his knees coming up to rest behind Taehyungs as he moves closer, throwing an arm over his waist to pull Taehyung towards him.
“I know”
Taehyung doesn’t know how. If Jeongguk treat him the way he treats Jeongguk, he doesn’t think he would accept Jeongguk’s apologies. He doesn’t think he would come back. The thought of waking up alone terrifies him and he shivers, pushing back into Jeongguk who lets him.
The floor is cold and uncomfortable, and Taehyung had shouted cruel things at him just hours before, but here Jeongguk is, being the one to comfort Taehyung when it should be the other way around.
“Kook I’m so sorry”
Jeongguk’s hand comes up to rest in his hair, fingers running through the strands as he pushes his grown-out fringe behind his ear.
“I know baby”
A sob bubbles up Taehyungs throat.
“I’m just really scared”
Jeongguk shushes him, curling his arm around him tighter.
“I know”
Taehyung cries quietly for a while as Jeonguk lies silently behind him, the movement of his hand in Taehyungs hair the only clue that he’s still awake.
“I’m sorry”
Taehyung can’t stop thinking about it, how cruel he is.
“I know you care”
His tears turn heavier, so he brings his arm up to cover his face, not wanting the wounded sounds to escape. He’s already showed he’s pathetic enough.
"I don't want to break up"
Jeongguk’s thumb strokes back and forth across his chest.
“I know Tae”
Taehyung doesn’t know how he knows. How could he know?
“But I, I-m s-sorry”
Jeongguk sighs and pulls back and for a second Taehyung thinks ‘this is it, he’s had enough’ but then he moves back to push an arm under Taehyung, helping him sit up even though Taehyung wants to hide against this floor forever.
“Come here”
and then his face is pushed against Jeongguk’s chest and his arm isn’t there anymore so a sob comes out loud and ugly, and he hates it and he doesn’t deserve Jeongguk and he doesn’t deserve his job and he-
“Shh come here, you’re alright”
He doesn’t feel alright. Everything is bad, very bad, and he just wants to be alright. He wants to be good. He needs to be good. But Jeongguk is cuddling him, even though he doesn’t deserve it, and as selfish as it is, he just tries to focus on that.
His crying sounds ugly, and he’s choking on the feelings coming up his throat, but Jeongguk is here.
“I know you’re sorry. I’m not going to say it’s okay, because handling your stress like this isn’t okay, it hurts my feelings, but I know that you know that. And I know that you’re sorry”
Jeongguk kisses the top of his head and Taehyung cries impossibly harder. He’s so ugly but Jeongguk somehow loves him and why, why does Jeongguk love him?
“You’re not ugly baby, neither inside or out. Take some deep breaths, everyone’s okay”
Taehyungs babbling, he knows he’s babbling but he just needs to understand, he needs Jeongguk to understand.
“I j-just love you, I p-promise. I promise I l-love you”
“I know sweetheart, I love you too. Everyone’s okay”
Jeongguk holds him until his tears eventually level out. Taehyung feels wrung out and exhausted as Jeongguk helps him up from the floor, leading him into their bedroom.
The mattress under his back feels amazing as he lays down, and the quilt is so soothing when Jeongguk leans over to pull it up to his chin. His head is still aching with the weight of his thoughts, and probably with all the crying he’s done in the past few hours.
He wants to talk to Jeongguk more, who brushes his teeth in the adjoining bathroom before climbing in beside him, but he can’t find any energy. His eyelids are so heavy, and he can only manage a;
“where did you go?”
before his eyes fail him and close on their own. Jeongguk moves closer towards him, laying his head so they’re sharing the same pillow.
“Tonight? Just to Jimins”
Taehyung frowns, remembering.
“He didn’t text me”
“I told him not to”
Taehyung wonders why. He almost always gets a text from Jimin on the nights they fight, telling him to screw his head on better.
“He must hate me”
Jeongguk pauses, his hand moving to rub up and down Taehyungs back. It makes him impossibly sleepier.
“He doesn’t. He loves you.”
“He thinks I’m hopeless”
Taehyung doesn’t have to look to see that he’s wearing his unhappy face.
“No he doesn’t”
“He does. You must too. I do”
Jeongguk’s breathing sounds sad, but Taehyung still can’t open his eyes.
“I definitely don’t baby. Go to sleep, you’re exhausted. I’ll still be here to talk tomorrow, okay?”
Taehyung hopes he is, but his mouth is numb too. Within seconds he’s asleep, the moonlight drifting in from the window highlighting his slightly sunken cheeks, the dark bags under his eyes. Jeongguk still thinks he’s the best person he’s ever seen.
He lays still and watches the clock hand on the side table move closer to three than two as Taehyung’s breaths even out into deep sleep.
Their love is imperfect, Jeongguk thinks, but it’s still love. A love he wouldn’t change for the world, and a boy he would fight with a million times over if it meant he could fall asleep to the sound of his breathing every night.
Taehyung thinks nobody understands, but Jeongguk is sure he does.
They’ll make it through this, just as they always have and always will.
Their love is imperfect; but it’s still theirs, and in their hearts; it will always be.