Chapter Text
Chapter 1
It was a rainy day. Every day for the past week had been rainy. It was autumn, after all, and what more could you expect from an English autumn? It wasn't one of those nice rains either, where the air carried that fresh earthy smell and the drops lettered down softly on the pavement. No, it was cold. And windy. And so misty you couldn't see out of your windows properly.
The windows currently in question belonged to a small shop. The shop was a bookshop. Or at least it appeared to be a bookshop. It had a sign above the door that read A.Z. Fell and Co., and if you looked in the windows, you might catch a glimpse of Mr. A.Z. Fell himself. However, if you were to enter the store and attempt to purchase a book, you would find it nearly impossible to do so.
Inside of the bookshop Aziraphale was sitting at his desk lovingly repairing a first edition copy of "One Hundred Fifty Five ways to Prepareth Beans", published in 1587. He had found it in the trash bin at an antique book showcase in Venice. He was humming quietly to himself, something that sounded like Schubert or possibly Handel but was most likely Shostakovich.
A sudden knock on the door roused Aziraphale from his task. "We're closed!"he called. The knock came again, louder this time. He sighed and started to get up to unlock the door when suddenly…
"Hello angel!" a voice shouted from directly behind him. He jumped, whirling around to find Crowley smirking at him.
"Crowley! My dear!" he exclaimed. "Didn't I ask you not to do that anymore?"
"Sorry", Crowley said, grinning. "But you were taking an age to get the door. And you're way too easy to sneak up on, so really you can't blame me."
Aziraphale huffed. "Anyways, I thought you were in America trying to have another McDonald's built?"
"Oh well, they've already started on that. I give it six months."
"Right", Aziraphale nodded slowly. "So what are you doing here?"
"Just wondering how the shop was doing," Crowley replied glancing at Aziraphale strangely. "Just wanted to, um, have a chat."
"About what?"
Well, would you like to talk over lunch?"
Aziraphale glanced outside. "In this weather Crowley?"
"I've brought the Bentley so we can just drive on over."
"I'm rather busy right now. Maybe tomorrow?"
"It's, um, important."
"Oh," Aziraphale said in a concerned tone. Why was Crowley acting so odd? "I don't suppose I need to finish this right now then". He gestured towards the book on his desk. "Let me just get my jacket."
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The Ritz. They'd only been here a few times, but it seemed like they had been here a thousand. Always coming back to this same place. It had taken Crowley ages to realise it was the atmosphere of the place that drew him here. It was bright. It was classy. It was the best place to bring your best friend for a lunch date. But that, that was it, the thought that made him outwardly flinch. Best friend. Because that wasn't all. Of course Aziraphale was his best friend. They had been pretending to oppose each other for six-thousand years. They had experienced near Armageddon together. But, well there was the problem. The "it can't go on like this anymore" problem. The "i need to say something to him" problem. The problem that either really was, or really wasn't a problem. Every time Crowley thought about finally bringing it up to Aziraphale, it terrified him. Truly terrified him.But he had to. The going on and dropping hints hoping Aziraphale would notice, would just finally say something, was killing him. So here he was now, trying to keep calm, planning what he was going to say for the thirty-ninth time. They had already ordered, and Crowley was still beating around the bush.
"So have you heard from, well, them?", asked Aziraphale, suddenly pulling Crowley from his thoughts. He gestured downwards.
"Hmm? Oh, they must still be terrified of me. Haven't even sent me a gift basket or a card congratulating me on my retirement. Must still think I've "gone native"." Crowley chuckled.
"But it seems to me Crowley, that you haven't really retired. What with popping about all over the place tempting people. You don't have to do it anymore you know." Aziraphale said, sipping his wine.
"Yeah, but once you've added small temptations to your daily routine, it's difficult to get it out." How have you been, anyway since I last saw you?" How are the books?"
"Everything is splendid. I've still managed not to make a single sale since that horrible loss last summer. And I don't have to zip all over the place performing miracles now, i can do it at my own leisure." Aziraphale grinned. "It's quite a relief not to worry about Gabriel suddenly manifesting to check on me."
"It has been nice since we lost ties with the mothership angel." said Crowley, glancing at Aziraphale. "Except, don't you feel a little, well, disconnected the past couple of months?"
Aziraphale furrowed his brow. "What do you mean Crowley?"
"Well, everyone else is staying up there working from their home office. We're the only one's left." He glanced at Aziraphale again while pretending to be preoccupied with his mashed potatoes.
"Well, yes, but don't you like it that way? Or is that what you wanted to talk to me about? That your lonely?"
"Well… no. Yes. No.`` Crowley stuttered. I'm not sure what I mean."
"If anything, I thought you would be ecstatic that you didn't have to deal with other demons anymore." Aziraphale said.
"I am!", Crowley exclaimed. "It… It's not just that."
"Then what is it?" Aziraphale asked kindly.
"You know what, let's get out of here, I'm finished anyways", Crowley said, standing up.
"It was your idea to bring me here. Crowley, honestly, what has gotten into you?!" Aziraphale exclaimed. "
"Can we just leave please"?
"Very well, as long as we go somewhere dry. It's pouring."
"Just get in the car. I'll drive."
Aziraphale sighed.
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"Where are we going?" Aziraphale said as he reached to turn down the radio, which was currently blasting, you guessed it, "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". The rain was still bucketing down on the windshield, making it very hard to see in the wiperless Bentley. They had been driving for about twenty minutes and Aziraphale had no idea why they were still driving. If Crowley was being honest, he didn't know why they were still driving. He just kept turning, making circles around central London. He was driving much slower than he usually did, to Aziraphale's great relief.
But still, the slow pace of the car did nothing to ease Aziraphale's nerves. Something was definitely going on. Crowley had never acted like this before. It was as if, for the first time in his existence, Crowley had completely lost his confidence!
"Crowley! Answer me, please!"
"I don't know."
"What?"
"I don't know", Crowley mumbled again.
Aziraphale glared at him "You dragged me all the way to The Ritz saying you wanted to talk about something important, which you didn't seem to be able to get around to, and now you've been driving to nowhere for twenty minutes! Please," He said, calming down a bit. Just tell me what's going on. I'm worried about you."
"Angel?"
"Yes, dear?", Aziraphale asked softly. "It's alright you know. Just talk to me"
Crowley winced "Don't. Don't do that."
"What?"
"Don't be kind to me. Don't pretend that you're not... annoyed." Crowley grimaced, as though in pain. Don't you see what's going on?
Aziraphale just stared back at him.
I've been reaching out to you time and again for as long as I can recall. I wasn't being that subtle was I? God damnit angel, you must have realised!
"Realised what?"
"That I love you!", Crowley practically screamed. " That I can't even stand to be away from you anymore!"
Aziraphale blinked.
Crowley went on. "Trust me angel, I've tried to ignore it. So many times. But I can't. I was hoping that maybe after Armageddon, we could at least address it."
Crowley glanced at him. "Did you hear me?"
Aziraphale blinked again. "You can't. You're making a mistake. I mean, be reasonable.
"Be reasonable? Really? You think I haven't been thinking this over for thousands of years! Come on!"
"Crowley!", Aziraphale shouted, making the demon jump. " This isn't right! I mean, we're on different sides, it's not…
"There's only our side remember?", Crowley said quietly.
"No! No more of that. Crowley, you need to snap out of this! You, you're lucky I even keep you around!
"Aziraphale, please."
"I can't believe you," Aziraphale glared at him.
"Angel, please, don't." Crowley pleaded."I promise you, I mean it when I say it. I meant it when I… when I said we could run away together. Aziraphale, I thought that you knew."
"I suspected it with the way you've been acting. So no, you weren't being that subtle. I was just trying to tell myself I was imagining it. But I have been putting up with you for six-thousand years, and this is the last straw! Honestly!"
"So you did know?" Crowley muttered. "And all you wanted was for my feelings to go away?"
Aziraphale hesitated. "Yes"
Crowley looked away. "I did once too."
Then Aziraphale said "You've overstepped this time."
"Overstepped! Why, just because I came out and said it? Do you think it's a choice?"
"Yes, I do. You've made the wrong one." Aziraphale said quietly.
"Get out." Crowley practically whispered as he pulled over to the side of the road."Get out of my car, you can walk home."
"Good! And Crowley? You've pulled me back before. But this time, I don't want to hear from you again.", ``Aziraphale said without a trace of emotion. And that was it. Then he stepped out into the rain and set off briskly without once looking back.
Crowley just sat in shocked silence, staring at his dashboard.
That was the harshest Aziraphale had ever treated him. He had said things like that before, but it was different this time. He was meaner. It seemed like Aziraphale actually meant it. And it was so hard. Because Crowley finally voiced what he had been yearning to for so long. And the worst scenario he could have imagined had happened because of it.
Aziraphale didn't feel the same. Aziraphale didn't love him back.
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Aziraphale was drenched. Frankly he didn't even notice. He just kept sitting on the bench, watching the ducks bob around in the pond. He had been like this for a long time, motionless. The sun had set two hours ago and it was starting to get chilly. But again, he didn't notice.
Crowley had just admitted he loved him. Outright, just like that. No shortcuts. No maybes. Just "I love you". And he, Aziraphale, had denied and shouted as he watched the demon's heart breaking.
"What have I done?", Aziraphale muttered out loud. He couldn't believe he had it in him. To hurt Crowley like that. Or course he had known. With the way Crowley acted, he was shocked, he hadn't noticed it much sooner. But he had been hoping that it was a figment of imagination. Or that Crowley's feelings would simply go away. When just wishing hadn't worked, he had tried being outright standoffish. He had tried opposition. He had tried rejection. But it didn't go away.
The last thing he wanted was to have to hurt Crowley like that. He felt like a monster. But if he had to push him away for good, then so be it, because Crowley's feelings just couldn't go on like this anymore. It just wasn't right. They were nearly destroyed for good, they nearly had their eternity taken from them, just for being allies. He couldn't risk what would inevitably happen to them if this went on.
But Aziraphale knew the truth that was in his heart. No matter how much he wanted to suppress it. No matter how much he had numbed himself in the past.
Then, for the first time in his eternal existence, sitting on a bench in the same park that he and Crowley had used as their common ground for hundreds of years, Aziraphale began to cry.
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Crowley knew where he was going. He kept driving, picking up speed. He was heading back to his flat. His sights were focused on the holy water locked away in a safe in his bedroom. The small vial he had saved, just in case. Using it all on Ligur hadn't been necessary, as it only took a few drops. So that was what he saved, a few drops.
Crowley's thoughts turned to the near past.
Two months ago, The Ritz. The first day after the end of the world. He had looked at Aziraphale across their small table and thought, "This is it. We're the only ones left now. We have nothing else to worry about." Crowley believed, in that moment, that Aziraphale would finally look at him as more. That they could be more.
But after that day, nothing changed. The angel went back to his shop. So, in turn, the demon went back to his flat. He waited for the change he had been imagining for six-thousand years. But it never came. He waited for Aziraphale to at least call. But he never did.
So Crowley started visiting the bookshop. For a while he was there every day, his excuse was always, "Oh, I'm just checking in." Don't mind me". Crowley couldn't stand to be away from Aziraphale any more. Alone in his flat, the angel was all he could think about. After visiting Aziraphale as often as he could, he realized that if he wanted something more, he would have to at least try for it. So, after an entire week of deliberation, he had decided that the best course of action would be to just come right out and say it.
The very idea threatened to derail itself every time Crowley thought about. He knew it was going to be one of the hardest things he had ever done. If not the hardest. At the time, he had no idea.
Crowley came back to himself as he pulled into the garage below his flat. He opened the door, and got out, slowly and deliberately. He locked the car, put the keys in his pocket, and turned toward the stairs going up to his front door. Time seemed to be moving in slow motion.
As Crowley climbed the stairs, he thought of Aziraphale. His heart burned as he thought of all the times he was naive enough to believe he could ever be with the angel. He reminded himself how stupid he had been to ever think Aziraphale loved him.
Crowley thought of the days before The Fall. He had only briefly seen Aziraphale then. They had different assignments, worked with different crowds. They didn't know each other.
Except Crowley remembered what it was like, the first time he had seen the angel. He had left an unexplainable impression upon Crowley, if nothing more. What was really the turning point was when they had first spoken. This was after The Fall. In The Beginning. They had both been sent by their respective sides to see about Adam and Eve. Standing over the new world next to Aziraphale, he had already glimpsed that the angel had a heart. But a rebellious one. Crowley had loved that about him then. He loved it even more now.
As Crowley entered his flat, locked the door, and headed to the back, he remembered how quickly he had become infatuated with Aziraphale. But now those memories hurt. Those memories were being clouded by all the times Aziraphale had tried to reject his friendship. It was all final now, Crowley's one dream was never going to happen. He had lost the one thing he had ever truly wanted.
Crowley walked to the back wall of his bedroom and opened his safe.
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Aziraphale stopped crying. He felt odd all of the sudden. A heavy feeling of dread had settled upon him.
He sat still for a few moments, trying to concentrate. Something was horribly wrong. Then...
"Oh dear God! Crowley!"
Aziraphale got up quickly. He took off at a run. He knew what was happening. He cursed himself for not thinking of it before. What if he were too late?
He needed to get to Crowley. Fast. Because Crowley still had the holy water. And Aziraphale knew what he was going to do with it.
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Aziraphale stood outside the door to Crowley's flat. Even though the park was only a block away, it still felt like it had taken him an eternity to get here. He pounded on the door as hard as he could
"Crowley, open the door!"
No answer
"Please open the door!"he begged.
Still no answer
"Ohshitohshitohshitoshit" Aziraphale was close to tears. "Crowley!"
Realization hit Aziraphale like a sack full of bricks. He could have just miracled the door this entire time. He popped the door open and dashed into the flat as fast as he could.
As he ran into the back, he heard Crowley mutter "Aziraphale?"
Crowley was sitting at his desk with a shot glass half full of clear liquid held in his hand. Aziraphale noticed he was shaking, and he ran over to him, carefully pulling the glass out of Crowley's trembling hand.
Aziraphale looked down at the demon, tears streaming down his face. "Crowley, my dear. Oh God. I'm so, so, sorry."
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