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I still can’t describe how good that moment felt, souls laid bare and fingers entwined. More than ever before I felt seen in that moment, understood, accepted. The sweet and palpable joy of that moment has never left me.
Nor has the hurt that followed.
God it is ridiculous for me to care like this! I am 23 years old, I have a job that I love and I live in a place that I love, so why does my mind continually hang on the words spoken to me as a child?
Ugh.
I reach under my bed, where, as always, tucked in a box in a corner lies the written record of my youth. The well worn pages flip so easily to the spot I seek.
June 26, 2019
AHHHHHHH TJ HELD MY HAND OMG TJ REALLY HELD ME HANDDDDDDDDD!!!!!
Diary this is the greatest day of my live, so at Andi’s party tonight, TJ had come with Kira and I was so so so sad about it, but then I guess he like, told her to leave or something, and then we all sang Born This Way together (apparently TJ plays the piano!?!?!?!?!?!?) and then. THEN. TJ and I sat down on the bench together and we just, like, started talking super chill and then he told me I could ask him anything so I asked him what his name was and he was like so cute and shy about apparently his name is like theoloneeus jaeger, I don’t even know how to spell that right but whatever, I think its beautiful and I love it.
So then he asked me if there was anything else I wanted to know and then he like started moving his hand towards mine and I was freaking out but I played it off so cool and was like, well is there anything else you want to tell me, and he said YEA and oh my god the look in his eyes!!!!!!! And he asked me if I wanted to tell him anything and I said YES and then we freaking held hands like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
This is officially the best day of my life.
I love Thelloneus Jagher Kippen.
Is it too early to say I love him???? Probably we aren’t even like a thing officially……
Also I still don’t know how to spell his name…I need to figure that out asap.
I need to go to bed. But holy shoot I’ve never been so happy in my life.
Ahhhh!!!!! Goodnight!!!!!
I can’t help but smile as I read that entry.
You know how, for some moments, it’s like you’re moving in slow motion? That is what that night felt like. I can still sense everything; the soft, barely present breeze and gentle cool. His smell and the warmth of his smile. The electricity that coursed through me as his finger meandered towards me, showering my body in sparks when our hands finally met. The feeling of being known safe, known, taken in.
My spine still shivers to think about it.
I wipe my dampening eyes.
Setting down my old journal, I pick back up my phone, the single message still left on my home screen, unopened but poured over. Short in length but potentially endless in meaning. Each word I had read and reread, emphasizing each in its own way, turning it over in my palms, contorting it into a thousand interpretations.
T.J. Kippen
God I hadn’t seen that name in so long.
Hey Cyrus, its T.J…idk if you still have me in your contacts but I’m gonna be in NYC next week for work, and I’d love to grab a drink or coffee or something if you want? I miss you…
I’ve now spent 30 minutes looking at that stupid text. When I first saw it I literally threw my phone across the room in surprise. It’s been what, six years since we talked? For me it has been six years of growth. Six years of therapy and medicine that finally got me to the place where I could smile without him.
But honestly, what the hell. How does he think he can just come back into my life with no apology or acknowledgement of his failures? Does he think I’m just a rag doll that he can throw on the floor and pick back up at his leisure?
But maybe I’m being too hard on him. We were 17. Obviously people change, lord knows I’ve grown and changed in 101 different ways since we last talked.
But through all of my changing I never stopped thinking of him either. Compulsively checking his instagram for any signs of love, love that I still, despite my best judgement, longed to be for me.
My vibrating phone interrupts my internal monologue, and Jonah’s name appears above T.J.’s on my lock screen.
wtFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!?!?!?!?!?!
I had sent him a screenshot of T.J.’s name immediately after I got it.
holy shit dude I was messing around on the guitar so I wasn’t looking at my phone but oh my god
why is he texting you now???
have you said anything back to him???
do you want me to punch him in the face???? or the dick????
Everyone needs a friend like Jonah Beck in their life.
He’s coming to New York next week for work and he wants to hang out apparently!?
I haven’t responded yet…I’ve honestly just been sitting here thinking about it for half an hour….I don’t know what to do Jonah…
UGH.
so no dick punching?
lol, no…at least not yet 👀
finnnnneeeee, but you know i’ll do it for you ;)
but in all seriousness…what are you going to say…?
I have no idea :/
well, I guess trust your gut.
is your instinct to say yes or no?
yes.
but I’m scared to get hurt again
Cy you are so much stronger than you were when we were 17. Like, 17 year old Cyrus would be so shocked and impressed by how confident and badass 23 year old Cyrus is. And 23 year old Cyrus won’t take shit from an ex
he’ll be in your turf, so if he does pull anything you can just leave
Yea you’re right…and I don’t think I could live it down if I didn’t see him…I’d always wonder ya know
if that’s what you want then go for it.
you know I’ll be here no matter what! :)
Thanks Jonah…love you brother
love you too Cy, good luck!!
With a deep breath, I navigate back to my sole surviving unread message. Typing and deleting, typing and deleting, typing and deleting; the rhythm of my indecisiveness is almost musical. I’m fretting over the stupidest things; tiny, insignificant things. Should I use an exclamation point after hey? Does that make me look desperate? Should I use a comma or does that make it seem like I’m mad? And what do I even want? What do I hope happens?
Falling back into my pillow, I stare at the ceiling above me, the AC still purring in the window. Of course there’s a part of me that wants to punch him in the face. That wants to tell him to fuck off after reminding him of all the stupid shit he did to me.
But can I ignore the part of me that wants him next to me? The part that, despite my better judgement, just wants to hold him? The part that wants him in my bed?
Damn emotions.
Breathing in deep I pull my phone back in front of my face, and type out a final draft.
Hey TJ, good to hear from you! It’d be great to meet up sometime next week, my schedule is flexible so let me know what works for you, I miss you too
I hit send, turning off my phone and praying for sleep I am sure will not come.