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It starts like this: a song you hear through a window, a fight you're running away from, and a promise to care forever. It ends like this: a kiss in the dark under neon lights, a subway ride in an empty car, a skinned knee, and tears shed alone. But a lot happens in the inbetween, so you guess it's best to start at the beginning. It's not like you have anywhere else to be.
-::-::-::-::-::-
Did you know what it meant when you climbed through that window when you were both seven years old? If you were asked now, you'd say you did. The truth is, you probably didn't. We have a tendency to rewrite our history to mean what we want it to. All you know is that that day marked in your life a Before Riley, and an After Riley. And Before Riley now matters so little, that it seems like a dream you can't remember. But you ask yourself: what would seven-year-old Maya think if she could see you now?
You know what she'd think. She'd say, why were you so stupid, Maya, to hope for something? Don't you know that hope is for suckers?
And you would say, yes, I know, of course I know. I guess I just forgot.
-::-::-::-::-::-
It's startling how quickly you come to need her. Maybe it's because she's the only one who hugs you anymore, maybe it's because you dream about her at night, or maybe it's because you don't know if you've ever had a place you felt safe until you meet her. And then she brings these people into your life: Farkle, then Lucas, then Zay, then Smackle. You would be alone if it weren't for her.
And maybe that's true, and maybe that's not, but it feels true, and you've always thought with your heart more than your head.
-::-::-::-::-::-
And finally, you're at the point where you couldn't hide it anymore. If it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, then you're in love with Riley Matthews. You've known it forever. You think she knows too. But the thing you keep telling yourself, you keep whispering to yourself over and over, is that Riley has everything you never did: two parents who care about her, a little brother who adores her; she walks into a room and everyone loves her. So what do you do when you realize that maybe she just doesn't need you like you need her?
But you're her best friend. You will always be her best friend. No one can take that away from you. And it has to be enough, because if it's not enough, then it will kill you, and you'd rather let it kill you than make her ruined like you are. Because if Riley is every good thing in your life, you don't want to be all the bad things in hers.
-::-::-::-::-::-
Time passes, the way it tends to. You finish freshman year with a fuller heart than you ever thought possible. Riley isn't going anywhere. It will be the two of you forever. You're more sure of that than you are of anything else. And still, you would never say the things you want to say to her. You love her more than you hate your loneliness. And you're lonely sitting right next to her. You want to be closer, closer, closer. You're sleeping in her room one night, and her arm is around you and her lips are so close in the moonlight.
"Sometimes," she says, her voice low and nervous, "I feel like I have to be happy all the time. Or maybe people wouldn't like me as much."
"Me?" Your heart is in your throat. You hope she doesn't think that.
Her eyes flick towards you, and she smiles, and you breathe again. "No. Never you."
And then you know who she's talking about. "Lucas."
"Yeah. If I'm ever upset, it's like he doesn't know how to handle it. Which is why I tell you about all my problems."
"You'd tell me no matter who you were with."
"Yeah, you're probably right."
"Riles," you whisper, and her name feels so good in your mouth. "Lucas loves you. But if it makes you feel better… I will be right here when you're so happy you can't sleep, and I will be right here when you feel like… when you feel like hope is for suckers." You want her to smile when you say that and she does.
Riley's eyes are closed now. She's falling asleep. "I know, Peaches. That's why I don't love him like I love you."
You bite your tongue and close your eyes too. You wish she did. You wish she loved you like she loved him. And when her breaths even out and you're sure she's asleep, you whisper back, "I don't love anyone like I love you, Riley."
-::-::-::-::-::-
Riley and Lucas break up maybe a month and a half later, and they're angry. It's messy. It surprises you, and secretly thrills you. You don't want them to hate each other, because you love them both, but it feels like a piece of you is given back. "Do you think I'm right?" Riley asks you. "I'm right, aren't I? He's wrong."
You think, I don't care. Of course you're right. I just don't care, Riley, and don't you get that by now? But what you say (and it's the truth) is, "You're always right to me."
-::-::-::-::-::-
You love her so much it hurts, right below your ribs, it's a pit in your stomach, it's a knot in your chest, it's weighing you down, but you wouldn't trade the pain for anything. You want to hurt like this forever, because as long as you have Riley, you'd take anything that comes with her. Even the pain of knowing that you love someone who will never, ever, ever love you back.
-::-::-::-::-::-
Years ago, you admitted to yourself that you don't belong in her world. And then she told you, "If this is my world now, the first person I want in it is you." Is that still true? Yes. You know it is.
She and Lucas make up, but they don't get back together, and she won't tell you how they became friends again, and you don't really know what to make of that because you guys don't keep secrets from each other. You just don't.
-::-::-::-::-::-
It's October of junior year when you come home, and your mom asks you to sit and chat with her for a moment. "Baby girl, what has gotten into you lately? You're not eating right, you look so tired. Talk to me."
You shrug, and try to push your way upstairs. You don't want to talk about it with anyone, but your mom doesn't let you past her. There was a time she wouldn't even notice if you came home at two in the morning. And now she's in front of you and she wants you to let her in. But you don't know how to do that. If Riley is keeping a secret from you, you're keeping one from her too, and it feels like a betrayal to tell anyone else.
"Is it Lucas?" your mom asks. You shake your head. And you can tell by the look in her eyes, your mom seems to realize something deeper, something more fundamental. "Is it Riley?" The tears come before you can stop them, and you are wrapped in your mother's arms, and she's holding you as you cry. "It's gonna be alright. You know she loves you."
She does love you. More than you thought a person could love another person. How does that somehow make it worse?
-::-::-::-::-::-
Tomorrow, you'll get to school and she'll hug you at your lockers and sit with you at lunch, and afterwards, you'll sit in the bay window, and you'll fall asleep in her bed, and nothing will ever change. You are luckier than most. But maybe the poets were right when they said that what you love can kill you. You guess that that wouldn't be the worst way to die. Write it on your gravestone: death by Riley Matthews.
-::-::-::-::-::-
You work in the diner your mom used to work in, because you refused to take a job at Topanga's, because you knew that you'd get fired within a few weeks at whatever job you worked at, and you didn't want to let Topanga down. You figure you're two weeks out from facing the chopping block, but maybe you'll pick up a hundred bucks, and that's more money than you've ever had to your name. Riley surprises you after work, though it's not really a shock to see her. You'd do the same.
You've just locked the door when you hear her voice behind you. You were the last one out, so you were in charge of closing. It's almost midnight. "I brought you tater tots," Riley says.
"Are you alone?" you ask her. Riley nods, smiling. "You shouldn't have done that. It's not the nicest part of town."
"Right, so I was supposed to let you walk back by yourself? Take the tots, Maya."
"Next time. bring me a chimichanga." You walk in silence for a few moments before you ask the question that's been on the tip of your tongue for weeks now. "How are things with you and Huckleberry?"
Riley laughs, a beautiful sound. "Better than they've been for a really long time now."
You were expecting it. Riley and Lucas… they just make sense together. But you'd be lying if you said that it didn't sting a little bit. "That's good. I knew you two would go goofy on each other again sooner or later."
"No, it's not like that," she protests. You try not to roll your eyes, but you don't really succeed. She stops walking near the entrance to the subway, right outside that tattoo parlor with the OPEN sign pulsing a steady neon blue, and you think that maybe you don't want to do this right now. And maybe you really want to do this right now. She must see something in your face because concern lines her brow. "Maya, do you still like Lucas?"
You almost laugh, because she looks so fucking devastated that you would like him, that you would want him, and that she'd have to step back for you, because she would, she fucking would, she loves you that much. You don't know what to do with all the love she gives you. Are you strong enough to carry it? "No, Riles. I would tell you if I did. It's just that… no one cares about me like you do." You can't look at her while you say this. You can't even dare to see the look in her eyes, because it's gonna break your heart. She breaks your heart about ten times a day. "I know you know that, Riley. Maybe I just don't like playing second fiddle to Friar. Maybe I want you all to myself." It's the closest you'll ever get to telling her how you really feel.
When you finally look at her, you don't know what she's thinking. That's rare for you two. "Maya. You're my first choice. Always. Okay? One day, when I tell you that, you're going to believe me."
No, you won't. You're her first choice, but not in the way you want to be. You just want to be with her. Being her friend is slowly killing you, and you're letting it. You don't mean to, but you shake your head, because she doesn't understand.
"Maya. Look at me." You do. You'd do anything she asked. "Maya," she says, whispering your name as if it's something holy, and in the neon light she looks like she's glowing. A miracle has happened: New York has gone quiet. There's just the sound of your beating heart and her soft breaths. And you do it without even thinking. You cross the distance between you and Riley and you kiss her, and she kisses you back. Her lips are soft. Neither of you really know how to do this, whether to open your mouths or keep them closed. Your fingers are in her hair and she smells like cinnamon, and you want to die in this moment, you want to die like this, you never want to be anything other than what you are now, floating, soaring, so happy it almost feels like sadness -
And then she pulls away. You come crashing back to reality. Her thumb is touching her lips, and you're a little breathless and you can't look at her. You just can't.
"Let's… let's stop for now and talk about this. We're friends, we can't -"
We can't. We can't we can't we can't we can't we can't.
"I'll see you at school on Monday, Riley. Get home safe." And then you turn on your heel and you don't walk to the next subway stop. You run. Until you can't hear her calling your name.
-::-::-::-::-::-
You get on the train feeling so exhausted you can barely stand. Riley is a few stops before you. You would have ridden together. But you know she's on the train behind you and she'll be sleeping by the time you get home. No one is in your train car. New York seems to be seriously broken, but you're happy to be alone. You think you might cry. Ten years with Riley, loving her more than life itself, and you just went and fucked it all up. It's over now. It'll never be the same. The first good thing you got, and now it's gone.
-::-::-::-::-::-
As you exit the subway, you feel like you can't get home fast enough, home to your bed and the sweet relief that sleep can bring. You're walking fast when a rock lodges itself under your foot and sends you flying. Before you know it, you're on the ground with a hole in your jeans and blood running down your knee and it feels really nice to have a reason to cry. You wish your mom were here. But this is something you need to feel alone. You sit on the curb and you cry and you cry and then you stop and you just sit.
You try your best to feel absolutely nothing, and you think you succeed a few times, but then you just feel sad and heavy. And that's how it ends. The story of Riley and Maya. The best friends there ever were. That's the end of it.
-::-::-::-::-::-
And then a miracle happens, the second in a night. She sits down beside you and you have to try not to cry again. It's really late, and it's really dark, and it's really quiet, and she's really beautiful. "I thought I was supposed to be the dramatic one," she says, and you laugh. And things feel a little easier for a moment.
"You know I love you, right?"
You knew she'd say that. If she ever somehow found out how you felt, you knew she'd tell you she loves you. "I know," you say quietly.
"You're the most important person in my world. If we become something different to each other, then… I don't want to rush into it. I want us to be forever." She stops for a moment, and then looks at you. Really looks at you. You look at your bloody knee. "Do you want this? Do you really want this?"
You decide it's time to be honest with her. With yourself. "More than I've ever wanted anything."
"Okay," she says. "So let's take it slow."
"You want this too?"
She looks surprised at the question. "Maya," she says again, in that same reverential tone, "it was always going to be you. I thought you knew that already." And then she kisses you. Slow. Your mouths open this time. But you don't focus on the kiss. What you feel is her hand wrapping around yours, your friendship rings sliding against each other.
And she sleeps in your bed that night, and kisses you again. You wake up to her face in the morning, knowing that it's yours and you can have it, and you belong to her in the way you always wanted to. Riley and Maya, friends forever ended last night, with a kiss in the dark, an empty subway car, a skinned knee, and some tears shed alone.
But a kiss on the curb, rings bumping together, and Riley in your bed, turned golden with sunshine: that's how it begins, this thing that has started, this thing that is your life.