Chapter Text
A two-story-tall apartment complex sat outside a city that challenged Chicago in size. This apartment complex was, what the neighbors would call, different. They would say this for a few different reasons.
First, and foremost, it was called Eden. Whether the landlord--an older lady who doesn’t show up often, in fact, the tenants say that collectively they have only seen her once--had named it that or if it was a running gag that the tenants themselves started nobody knows. But either way, that was what everyone called it.
Secondly, the apartment complex was split down the middle. The left side was a pink pastel color and the right side was a rather unpleasant gray. This had happened because the left side tenants painted the entire complex pink, effectively upsetting the tenants on the right. To rebel, the right side had repainted their half of the complex. The landlord hadn’t said anything.
Lastly, if you walked past the right side you could hear the loud music of My Chemical Romance, and from one specific tenant, Queen. On the left side, you could hear the soundtrack from the Sound of Music and occasionally classical music.
And every morning while the majority left to get to work you could hear car alarms, screaming, and songs specifically chosen such as Gives you Hell by All American Rejects, Death on Two Legs by Queen, or (this was Beelzebub’s personal favorite) Still Counting by Volbeat. This banter made it difficult for anyone to get to work on time.
Beelzebub was sitting in their car as they got ready to leave, they were stuck in a backed-up line to leave. Giving them the perfect opportunity to watch Gabriel as he realized that he left his keys inside.
Beelzebub rolled down their window and laughed louder than necessary, “What a dumbass.”
“Says the person who probably needs a booster seat to drive,” Gabriel called back. He opened the door to Eden and took off on a run to find his apartment.
By the time Gabriel was out Beelzebub was only able to move two spots forward in the line. This had to do with the fact that Hastur had taken it upon himself to move at the speed of a snail just to irritate Uriel who was waiting behind him.
Beelzebub was the last one in the line, meaning they were going to arrive just on time for the meeting they needed to be at.
They were the chief operating officer an up-in-coming chain restaurant corporation and they had to join their CEO to meet up with an advertising company. A simple brunch date to talk logistics and costs.
By the time they finally left the parking lot Gabriel was right on their tail.
Given the typical traffic in the city, they had about thirty minutes until they got to the restaurant. And by the time Beelzebub had turned at least a dozen times and was only five minutes away Gabriel was still on their tail.
They came to a stop at the stoplight and Beelzebub stuck their head out the window and turned back to Gabriel’s car as he followed in suit.
“What gives?” Beelzebub yelled.
“Work.”
“You’re following me.”
“Greenlight.”
“What?”
“Go.”
Beelzebub looked forward and saw that the cars in front of them had started to move and the people behind them had started to honk. Beelzebub stepped on the gas.
At the next light, they took a right, which added another two minutes to their travel time. But, on the bright side, Gabriel was no longer following them. They let out a sigh and continued on their way.
Beelzebub pulled into the parking lot, put the car in park, fixed their outfit, and walked inside the restaurant.
***
Crowley woke up around one. He turned on his CD player and made breakfast.
He had that particular CD player ever since he could remember and he never really thought of updating his music system in any way. And, as a bonus, it annoyed the left side of Eden--sarcastically nicknamed Heaven.
His CD player ended up having another effect aside from the near-constant Queen music blaring. Since it annoyed Heaven the right side--affectionately titled Hell--invested a tiny sum in one for each individual who lived on their side. They blasted a mix of My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, Queen and other bands that Heaven deemed “garbage music”. Heaven would fight back with the Sound of Music soundtrack.
Crowley decided that he was lucky that he worked at the astronomy observatory. Default third shift. Heaven and Hell had their music fights while he was at work.
He finished his bowl of cereal and put it into the dishwasher.
He rummaged through the freezer finding his container of dead mice. He took one and went to the terrarium sitting on his bedroom dresser.
“Morning, Janthony,” He said to a Black Pastel Cinnamon ball python morph.
Crowley gently removed the UV light and then the lid, bopping his head along to Another One Bites the Dust by Queen.
He placed the mouse down in the middle of the cage and replaced the lid and light.
The song was coming to an end when he heard a barrage of knocking on his front door. He raced to discard the mouse package and wash his hands when the knocking started again.
He let out a sigh and opened the door just as Queen’s a Crazy Little Thing Called Love came on.
He assumed it was one of his neighbors from Heaven’s side, judging by the, what he would describe as a tacky outfit he had on.
The man had a white button-up, tartan bow tie, dark beige suit jacket, and a tan trench coat. His pants matched the dark beige and Crowley didn’t want to even think about the shoes.
Not that he looked much better, he was still in his flannel red pajama pants and black slippers.
“Could you turn down the... noise?” The man asked.
“D’you not like Queen?” Crowley asked, with a slight smile.
“I haven’t heard of them, aside from the times that you have it up this loud,” He said.
“Sorry,” Crowley said, a sheepish smile on his face, he crossed the room and turned it down, he returned to the door, “Oh, I guess I should introduce myself, I’m Crowley.”
“Aziraphale,” The man said with a tiny nod.
“That’s an interesting name.” Crowley hadn’t meant it as an insult, but Aziraphale seemed weary to believe it was a compliment.
“So is yours.”
“Thanks.”
“Anyway,” Aziraphale said, holding out his hand, “It was nice meeting you.”
Crowley shook his hand, “You too.”
“I’ll be on my way then,” He said, “Thanks for turning it down.”
“Yeah, o’ course.”
***
“I’m with the Brewers-Jones party,” Beelzebub said to the employee at a podium.
“Right this way,” He said.
He began walking and Beelzebub followed after. They weaved their way through the restaurant, it was sleek, modern, and had a theme of white, gray, and black. The atmosphere was quiet and refined as if everyone felt the need to embody the phrase fine dining.
The employee came to a stop at the only booth that wasn’t filled to the brim. Either the CEO or COO from the advertisement company was already there.
“Thanks,” Beelzebub said to the employee who began his walk back to the podium.
They took a step up to the booth and put on their most diplomatic smile as they said, “Thank you for your patience, I-”
The person in the booth had turned around and Beelzebub dropped their mouth, “You?” Their voice was loud enough to earn the attention of nearby customers.
They awkwardly laughed out an apology to the surrounding people, before clambering into the booth.
“What are you doing here?” They said with a much more controlled tone.
“Breakfast,” Gabriel said with a sarcastic jump of his eyebrows. He took a sip of his drink.
“Are you the CEO of-”
“No, COO, you?”
Beelzebub felt tempted to lie, but realized that it wouldn’t hold out once their CEO’s got there, “COO.”
“Isn’t it funny that we both-”
“No.”
“It’s kind of funny.” Gabriel shrugged.
Beelzebub mocked his shrug, “Kind of funny.” They had a sneer on their face.
“You know,” Gabriel said, “We’ve been neighbors for how long? Years. Neither of us learned what each other does for a living. And now… here we are.”
“The irony is astounding,” Beelzebub said through a sigh with an eye roll. They rested their head in their left hand as they lazily read through the menu.
“It won’t be too bad, Mr. Jones and Mr. Brewers will be here soon and once they are we’ll eat as they talk for an hour and then we never have to be around each other again,” Gabriel said. “For work, at least,” He added.
“Good,” Beelzebub said. “Cause, I don’t like you.” They weren’t sure why they felt the need to clarify this fact, but they did anyway.
“Right, same here.”
***
Crowley stood at Aziraphale’s door slightly nervous. He hadn’t been incredibly social besides the meetings he attended with his neighbors from Hell. He was about to start a Netflix binge and figured that having some company wouldn’t be too awful.
He raised his hand and let out a deep breath finally knocking. In quick succession, he heard a loud sigh, heavy footsteps and then finally the door unlocking.
“Yes?” Aziraphale said as he opened the door. His demeanor seemed different from the agitation he held earlier.
“I was curious if you’d be interested in watching a few episodes of the Office? I don’t start work for a few hours and I made some popcorn…”
Aziraphale smiled brightly, “Yes, of course,” He stepped outside his apartment and pulled the door shut, “I’m sorry for my nasty mood earlier, dear boy.”
Crowley didn’t know what, but something seemed to flutter in his chest at the endearment. It wasn’t common, he thought, but it probably didn’t mean anything.
“I’m afraid my ducks had gotten a hold of a book in my collection and nibbled on the edge of the pages.”
“You have ducks?” Crowley asked as childish glee passed over his face.
“Yes,” Aziraphale said, “I’ve had them forever. Would you like to meet them?”
***
Mr. Jones and Mr. Brewer hadn’t shown up yet and it had been nearly half an hour.
“If they’re not here in the next ten minutes I’m ordering,” Beelzebub said through a sigh. They tapped their fingers against the table.
“That’s rude,” Gabriel noted, he had finished off his drink.
“Since when has that bothered you?” Beelzebub snorted, “Besides, I’m starving.”
Gabriel opened his mouth to say something back but closed it again when his phone dinged. He picked it up and opened the alert.
“Great,” He sighed, his eyes still scanning the text, “I just got a text from Mr. Jones…” His words slowed as he started texting, “He’s not late, they canceled the meeting and he forgot to tell me. He says he texted Mr. Brewer.”
Beelzebub slapped their pockets to find them empty, “And I left my phone in the car.”
“So do we…?”
“I’m hungry, but you can leave if you want.”
“Won’t it charge the company?”
“Well, if we tell them, they shouldn’t.”
“Do you have the money to afford this?” Gabriel asked, “I think I left my card in the car.”
“Same here,” Beelzebub said, “Give me your keys, I’ll go get both.”
“Splitting the costs?”
“Of course.” Beelzebub got up.
***
“Their names are Oscar, Terry, William, Emily, Neil, and Edgar,” Aziraphale noted. He leaned against his desk as a Crowley immediately dropped to the floor. The ducks swarmed him.
“After anyone in particular?”
“Writers, of course,” Aziraphale said, gesturing vaguely to the shelves that surrounded them, “It’s funny, Emily got a hold of one of my Emily Dickinson poetry collections, which is who I named her after.”
Crowley was sitting on the floor being swarmed by the six, “They’re so cute.”
“They can be quite sassy,” Aziraphale said.
“Janthony’s pretty calm,” Crowley said, picking up Terry and placing him in his lap.
“Janthony?”
“My snake,” Crowley said, “He’s a darling.”
“Where did you get Janthony?”
“Dagon used to joke that was my middle name,” Crowley said with a smile, “She found it funny.”
“Ah,” Aziraphale said, his eyes were on Crowley, not the ducks. Crowley smiled brightly as the ducks started to lay down on his lap. And Aziraphale smiled at Crowley’s joy.
“I’m sorry to cut this short,” Aziraphale said his face turning from a smile to a frown, “But it’s coming up on their nap time. If you could grab William or Edgar, they’re quite rebellious and won’t follow as the rest will,” Aziraphale pointed to the two.
***
“Well,” Gabriel sighed as they were leaving the restaurant, “You aren’t terribly demonic.”
“What?” Beelzebub asked, their eyebrows were drawn together, their eyes narrowed.
“You’re from Hell.” Gabriel used air quotes on Hell.
“Oh,” Beelzebub said, dropping their guard, “I see... Haha,” They deadpanned.
“Come on,” Gabriel drew, a large smile on his face, “That was funny.”
“Sure,” Beelzebub said as they shook their head. “And, for the record.” Beelzebub started off towards their car. “You're not terribly angelic yourself.”
“That was funny,” Gabriel called back as he moved to his car.
Beelzebub couldn’t tell if that was sarcastic or not. They also couldn’t tell why they wished it wasn’t sarcastic.
They got into their car and left the parking lot, this time without much difficulty.
They were smiling.
***
It was late and all of Eden was asleep. Save four eleven-year-olds who would be in trouble once their parents were aware of their sleeping schedule. They had just left Adam’s apartment, their home base, with a roll of toilet paper stuffed under each arm.
“It isn’t healthy,” Wensleydale said, “Staying up this late. I should go to bed.”
“I mean, to be fair, it’s not that late anymore, now we’re just up early,” Brian reasoned with a shrug.
“Yeah, Crowley’s already back from work,” Pepper said, “You can’t call it late anymore.”
“Besides,” Brian said, lifting his arms in a chicken wing fashion to emphasize the toilet paper rolls, “This is gonna be fun.”
“An’,” Pepper said, “If you leave, I won’t talk to you for a week.”
“That’s peer pressure.” Wensleydale wrinkled his nose, “But I guess... a few more minutes won’t hurt.”
“Yeah,” Adam said, “This shouldn’t take long.”
They quietly snuck down the stairs to the first level and pulled out their toilet paper rolls.
“Ready?” Adam whispered as a smile crept onto his face.
***
Gabriel woke up with the same pep he had when he did anything. Many people found it annoying. Gabriel did too, occasionally.
Others found it endearing. Well, a single, specific other found it endearing, even though they didn’t know that the feeling was called endearment.
He got ready as quietly as he could manage, he had shared the apartment with one other person. Sandalphon.
They used to share it with Aziraphale, but as soon as his bookshop took off, he was able to afford a smaller apartment to himself.
He put on a tracksuit, had two eggs, and opened the door to go on a run. However, he didn’t get far.
Toilet paper was strung from door to door, some stuffed between the door and the floor or wall, some tied to the handle. At first, it seemed like an uncalculated mess, but to anyone who looked for longer than a second, they could see the militaristic dedication in making sure that only the Heaven side of the hallway was messy.
Gabriel took in one deep, patient breath, snapped a photo of it, and tore it down. “If Hell wants a war they’re going to get one.”
***
“They did what?” Sandaphon asked.
“They teepeed our side of the hallway,” Gabriel repeated, pulling out his phone. He opened up his photos and showed them to the group.
Gabriel, Uriel, Sandalphon, Michael and Aziraphale made up that group. Michael and Uriel shared the apartment right in between Aziraphale’s and Gabriel and Sandalphon’s.
“We should get back at them,” Uriel said immediately. Her voice and face remained flat and expressionless.
“I like your style,” Gabriel said, with a smile.
“Do we have to?” Aziraphale asked. Nerves tingling his stomach.
“They started it,” Sandalphon replied with a shrug, his hands upturned and out to the side, “And I’m not against smiting ‘em.”
“Yeah,” Gabriel nodded, “It doesn’t have to be too dramatic, something small.”
“But what happens when it gets out of hand?” Aziraphale said. All of his worry and nerves were clear in his voice, “You guys are going to start one-upping each other and it’s going to escalate quickly.”
“We’re adults,” Gabriel waved his hand as if it would dismiss Aziraphale’s concern, “We know where to draw the line.”
“Besides,” Michael said, “Don’t you want to get back at those… demons and their choice to torture us with their awful music tastes.”
“Of course,” Aziraphale lied, deciding that going against them wouldn’t be the smartest decision, seeing as they outnumbered him four to one. He shook his head, “No, no, you guys are right.”
“Right,” Uriel said sharply.
“Now,” Aziraphale said slowly, “What do you happen to have in mind?”