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Sara sighed as she walked into the other room with Ray, Gideon automatically closing the door behind them.
She wasn't sure why Ray wanted to talk to her, all she knew was she wasn't in the mood. It had been a week since she'd last seen Ava, a week since she'd given the director her phone number and told her to text her.
She'd gotten into bed that night with a smile on her face, not being able to stop thinking about Ava. She couldn't believe that Ava was so soft under her carefully crafted Bureau persona. She thought about how she wanted to get to know Ava some more, and how she wanted this to continue.
But then she woke up the next morning in complete fear. All of her past relationships didn't work out, and Ava was just so good. Sara didn't think she was good enough for Ava, she thought Ava deserved better than an ex-assassin who still struggled with her past everyday. Ava was so... put together. That was the best way Sara could describe her. Ava always seemed so in control, even when she wasn't. Even when they were both trapped in the galley, both at a loss for what to do next, Ava was still in control of herself and her reactions.
Sara wondered if that ever got tiring, if having so much control over one's expressions and reactions got exhausting. To Sara, it definitely sounded like it would get tiring after awhile.
She wondered what Ava would be like when she fully relinquished control and just let herself be. Sara's face dropped when she realized that she might not ever get to see Ava like that because she pushed her away.
"So... I might've heard what happened between you and Ava..." Ray started but stopped when Sara sighed.
"Is this an intervention?"
Ray hesitated before he nodded. "Yes, actually. It is." He went over and sat down on the couch, patting the spot next to him for Sara to come sit.
Sara bit her lip and walked over, sitting down. She fiddled with her fingers in her lap, clearly unsettled.
"Why did you do it?"
Sara smiled grimly. "Because it's what's best for both of us. This was never going to work out, Ray. The... thing... between Ava and I. It would never work out. So, I saved us both the trouble and ended it both before it even started."
Ray frowned, thinking about what he should say next.
"How do you know it wouldn't have worked out?"
Sara stilled at that. Sure, she'd been expecting for Ray to try to talk some sense into her but, she didn't think about the fact that she would actually have to open up to him about her insecurities.
"You know about my past," She let out a slow breath. "You know about the things I've done, the people I've killed." Sara had to stop when she felt the familiar tightness in her throat, she knew she was about to cry.
"I'm not good with feelings... or with relationships. It never works out for me. And Ava she's..." Sara twisted her fingers together in her lap, "she's so good. Fuck, Ray. Everything about her is so good that I almost envy it. She's so put together, she's always sure of herself, she's so confident and self assured and I..." her voice cracked and she ducked her head to hide her tears.
"I'm a mess." She breathed shakily and sniffed. "I'm a fucking mess. And she deserves better than that. And I'm so scared because I... I really like her. More than I've ever liked anyone, I think. And I don't know what to do... these feelings feel so foreign to me because I haven't felt them in so long." She looked up at him then, wanting to gage his reaction.
Ray's eyes were soft and understanding. "Oh, Sara." He whispered and frowned, watching her break down in front of him.
Everything she'd been holding in and trying to convince herself she wasn't feeling for the past week was finally coming out into rough sobs, and Sara didn't think she'd ever stop crying.
"I-I thought I did the right thing. I was protecting her from me... and I didn't want to face the feelings I have for her." Sara cried. "But if I did the right thing, why does it hurt so bad?"
Ray reached over and put his hand on her shoulder, offering her his support. Sara scooted closer and leaned against him, hiding her face in her hands as she cried. She felt Ray's arm wrap around her and he let her cry. He didn't speak, he just let her have this moment she desperately needed.
Sara felt like this aching feeling in her chest would never go away. She didn't want to think about it, she'd done everything to not think about it, but right then — with her walls completely down, feeling more vulnerable than she had in awhile — she couldn't deny what she felt for Ava.
"It's simple. You didn't. Do the right thing, I mean." Ray whispered after staying quiet for several minutes. "You know, the team has been talking to Gary. He's been updating them on how Ava's doing."
Sara frowned and slowly put her hands down from her face, not having the energy to hide how she felt anymore. "H-how is she?" She sniffed, her eyes focusing on a spot on the floor.
Ray sighed, contemplating whether he should tell Sara the truth or sugarcoat it a bit.
"Tell me the truth, Ray. Please." Sara said, knowing what Ray was thinking.
Ray looked down at her and said, "she's not doing well. Gary said she hadn't slept much since the galley incident and... well, she thinks you don't like her in the way she likes you. She thinks she was wrong about the whole thing."
Sara frowned deeply. "What?" She abruptly sat up and wiped way her tears. "That's... that's not true." She said, her heart aching even more at the knowledge that she'd hurt Ava when she'd done all this to prevent Ava from getting hurt.
"I do like her. I..." her words felt heavy on her tongue. "Shit. She thinks this is her fault?" She asked.
"She does." Ray answered solemnly, letting Sara process this.
"Fuck," Sara exhaled, "I have to tell her, right? That this isn't her fault?"
Ray nodded, "yeah, you do. But, before that I think you should decide what you want to do about your relationship. Do you want it to just be professional, or do you want it to be something more?"
Sara's first instinct was something more. But she hesitated. "I'm not good with feelings. I'll hurt her. I already have." She said.
"You have, but you have a chance to rectify it and make things right. Do you want to be with her?"
Sara nodded, her hands trembling as she rubbed them against her pant legs, restless energy building within her. "I-I do. I want to try to make it work." She finally said.
Ray smiled. "Then you should talk to her about it, and be completely honest about why you did what you did."
"But what if she doesn't want me anymore?" Sara couldn't stop thinking about that part.
What if Ava didn't want to try again? What if I already fucked it up too much?
"You won't know until you try. And if you don't try, you'll regret it and wish you had." Ray said and smiled reassuringly. "You can do this, Sara. I know it."
Sara smiled lightly and nodded, it was nice having people who believed in her.
They both stood up and Sara hugged Ray tightly, which took him off guard — Sara had never really been the hugging type.
"Thank you. God, I'm such an idiot... I need to fix this." Sara mumbled and hugged him tighter, feeling so grateful that she had him and the rest of the team to steer her back in the right direction whenever she made a big mistake like this.
Once they pulled away, Ray said "I'll go tell the team, you go get the girl."
Sara chuckled and rolled her eyes fondly at him before she left the room and grabbed her phone.