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Jules snuggled into Anna's side and sighed heavily. This had been fun fucking around with Anna and TC. Hanging with their friends who were quickly becoming her friends. It was fun drinking night after night and getting fucked up. She actually enjoyed being around people who were just as gay and weird as she was. It was fun learning what she liked being done to her body and what she liked to do to someone else. Anna was deep asleep under her and when she moved she barely flinched.
Jules moved away and got up off the mattress. This had been fun but she missed home. Not nate, the bullshit, or even that shitty ass highschool. Suffocating that's why she left, right. Still she missed her dad, her bed, her clothes god she missed those, and her friends. Riding her bike around the cul de sac, through the field at all hours of the afternoon and night, and to meet with Rue. Rue who she'd texted a million times for the past 3 nights and 2 days and gotten no response from. She texted her a long ass apology as soon as she stopped crying on the train to the city but got no response. Nothing just silence for 2 days straight. Jules hoped she wasn't actually too pissed at her to respond.
She even texted Kat to see if she heard anything and she said she'd been hanging out with Ethan. She contemplated calling but stopped herself because Rue really hated phone calls. There was nothing on social media at all not even from Lexi who usually hung out with Rue when she wasn't or couldn't. She spent those 2 days throwing herself into whatever Anna wanted to do and whatever she could get away with. It all felt like a blur when the nights were done and she woke up to do it all again the next morning.
Finally she got why Rue and her mother drowned everything in alcohol and pills. Finally she understood the appeal of an escape but it always ended up feeling crappy when she woke up the next morning with a hangover sent from hell. Jules hunched over herself and felt drops of water fall onto her thighs. Her phone sat in her hands as she scrolled through pictures of her with Rue and with everyone else. She wiped the tears with the edge of the sleeve and tried to smile. At least she had those times and at least she could go back and things would be the same. At least she was starting to find herself now and maybe she'd be able to go back at 150 percent for everyone. Maybe she'd finally be able to tell Nate and his entire family to fuck off and leave her the hell alone.
A text from Lexi popped up and she thought thank god someone was finally getting back to her. Her dad only left a message asking where she was and that he was worried but she texted him that she was okay. It was weird he didn't respond but she thought maybe just maybe he trusted her. Trusted her to know what was right for her like he always had.
Did no one tell you?
Tell me what?
Fuck. Jules I don't know how to say this.
Say what? Is everything okay?
Fuck.
Lexi is my dad okay?
Yea but, Rue isn't .
What do you mean? Another kidney infection?
Jules leaned back on the bed to lay down. All of the sudden she felt light headed and sick. Her stomach clenched and she went to her thread with Rue.
Text me back please.
Nothing, a notification popped up from Lexi and she swiped it away to ignore it. She texted Rue again.
Come on Rue, text me back.
She stared at the screen that wasn't changing and her heart started to race. Another notification from Lexi, Ignore. The tears started to sting her eyes as they formed, stupid eye glitter.
I'm not kidding Rue.
I love you.
A notification from her Dad dropped down and all Jules could read while tears started to pour down her cheeks was I am so sorry kid. Jules swiped ignore and went to text Rue again.Then the messages all said seen and a typing icon popped up. Her heart felt relief, Rue was going to tell her she was okay. That nothing bad had happened this time she'd left.
Fuck you Jules. Fuck you for fucking leaving her. Do you know how much my sister fucking loves you.
Gia, her heart sank to the bottom of her stomach. Jules felt her throat start to close. Of course she knew and Rue knew how much she loves her. Rue knew she wasn't just fucking around she really fucking loved her. Loved her so much that all she could do to feel safe was think of Rue. She'd think of Rue telling her how many bad decisions she was making, holding her instead of Anna at night, kissing her instead of some stranger at the club. Fuck Rue had to know she loved her.
I love her.
She ODed again Jules.
Jules felt her heart tighten to the point it felt like she couldn't breath. Her vision was blurry and she couldn't even gasp for air. Not her Rue it couldn't be. Her body felt numb.
Not her Rue who looked at her like she radiated, who always held her so softly, or who cradled her face when they laid in bed together. Her Rue had been clean for 3 months. 3 whole fucking months of NA and then getting straight with her bipolar meds. Jules laid on the bed and gasped for air to hold onto. Anna was still asleep and she didn't want to bother the girl who had begged her to stop "whining about Rue." Looking at the screen one more time she closed her eyes. Not her fucking Rue. It could have been anyone in the world she didn't care about, just not Rue.
Inhaling her sobs she pulled her knees to her chin trying to think what to do next. There was plenty of alcohol in the room that she could black out and forget this ever happened. Pass out and fall asleep into a dream where it was only her and Rue and Rue was safe. She felt her whole body shaking and the phone glowed brightly behind her closed. Opening her eyes she looked at the message before closing her eyes and letting out a cry that woke up Anna.
She's alive but she's in a coma.
Your dad's here.
My mom wants you to come.
Rue would want you here.
"What's wrong," Anna groggily asked sitting up slowly. Jules could hear the slight I'm still drunk in her voice.
Jules inhaled and exhaled sharply, "I need to go home."
Anna yawned and rubbed her back, " Homesick already, Miss your Dad? "
Jules tucked into her knees further, hugging herself tighter and tighter. Wishing it was Rue's arms in that burgundy hoodie that smelled like a carton of newports. Her breathing was erratic in her chest as she cried and cried. Her brain was replaying all those moments she had with Rue. Rue letting her play with her fingers, taking stupid nudes with her when they should have been for her, watching love island, getting to hold her while she slept. It went on and on and on even after the tears stopped flowing and all she could do was cry vocally. Why was she always fucking up things, why did she always loose who she loved, and why was she still in this bed. She was pretty sure she was in shock but she didn't care if she stopped breathing altogether.
"I need to go home," she choked out.
..................
Jules felt like a zombie the entire train ride back home. Her bag sat on her lap and she stared out the window just waiting to get to her dad's car. It was like her brain was stuck on channel one and white noise was the only thing on. It was a similar set up in the car with her dad. She sprinted to his car and before he could get too many words in they were on the way to the hospital. Jules just looked out the dash window with a blank look on her face. She almost cracked when she saw Leslie and Gia in the white tiled hallway. They looked like two ghost lingering waiting for the dead. Going through this once had been hell and a second time looked like it had gutted them. Jules felt like she was going to be sick but looked at the ground to avoid the sadness in Leslie's eyes.
She swallowed thickly and whispered, "I am so sorry."
Without asking Leslie pulled her into a tight hug and said over and over, "It's not your fault." She knew it wasn't completely her fault, but she knew some of the blame was hers. She hadn't been the best friend in those last moments she saw Rue. Hell she'd lied to her about a lot too, for her safety from crazy ass Nate, but a lie. When Leslie let go Jules whispered sorry again because somehow her tears came back and ruined the shoulder of her shirt. She glanced at Gia who gave her a look made of steel making her quickly look away.
Everything Leslie was telling her about what happened was going in one ear and kind of sticking but sliding out the other. When they finally said she could go in the room she sat in a chair at the edge of Rue's bed. Jules held her hand and looked up at her friend who had wires attached to her, something dripping into her, and tubes coming from her face. The only sounds in the room were the monitor tracking Rue's heartrate beeped and the ventilator attached to Rue. Jules squeezed Rue's hand and smiled, it was missing rings and Rue would have hated that.
"Please wake up," Jules said while rubbing her thumb over Rue's. "Please, I love you."