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Ellana was going to meet Iron Bull’s company, the Bull’s Chargers. She was excited to meet them, which meant she had to watch herself.
She’d drummed the rules for group conversations into her head: Don’t be so enthusiastic, Lana. Not everyone wants to be your best friend. Don’t focus too much on any one person. And definitely don’t start going on about magic.
Even though she was learning such amazing stuff from Your Trainer, and Leliana had just delivered another report on the Breach for her to study…. But people wouldn’t want to hear about it. They only asked to be polite.
When she entered the Herald’s Rest, Bull grinned and waved her over. She grinned back. He always had a way of setting her at ease. It was probably part of his Ben-Hassrath training, now that she thought about it. But wherever it came from, she liked it. She felt like if got into “one of her moods,” he’d understand, like Keeper Deshara had. There’d be no surprised looks, no frowns, no disappointment.
Iron Bull was sitting with Krem, a Dalish elf, a dwarf, two humans and another elf. “Ah, good, we’re not drinking alone.” He looked at his second-in-command. “How you doin’, Krem de la Crème?”
Krem rolled his eyes. “Your Worship. I’m so glad he has someone new to hit with that joke.”
Remembering how much she hated her brothers calling her “El,” Ellana asked, “Do you prefer Krem or Cremisius?”
“Krem’s faster. The Chief’s nicknames usually end up sticking.”
“Hey,” said Bull, “when I was growing up, my name was just this series of numbers. We all give each other nicknames under the Qun.”
“They ever wear shirts under the Qun, Chief?” How could he banter back so quickly? Ellana watched in quiet awe. “Or do they just run around binding their breasts like that?”
Bull frowned. “It’s a harness, Krem.”
“Yes, for your pillowy man-bosoms.”
Was it a bad idea to giggle at the Qunari who’d taken at lightning bolt for her in their last battle? Probably, but Ellana couldn’t stop herself.
“Let me know if you need help binding. You could really chisel something out of that overstuffed look.”
Wait, what?
Oh.
Ohhhhh.
Oh! Wow! This is so good! Ellana was the only one in her clan born into the wrong body. She’d met a few like her at an Arlathvhen who she’d learned from, but Keeper Deshana had always brought the subject up. She’d never had to actually talk about it before, just listen to people wiser than her.
Everyone was looking at her. Ellana blinked between so many sets of eyes. She could hear her older brother’s voice in her head, clear as day: Absolutely don’t say ‘I used to have balls but now I don’t.’
“Did you always know?” she managed calmly, when really she wanted to blurt out HEY ME TOO BUT ONLY COMPLETELY THE OPPOSITE!
“Yes.” His smile dimmed. “It’s not the most fortunate thing to know about yourself, growing up in Tevinter one rung above slavery.”
Ugh, Tevinter. Ellana still couldn’t imagine how that country had gotten so awful. There’s got to be a way to get Tevinter to be less Tevinter. Or at least make a start. I should get Dorian and my war-table pals on it.
Well, that’s definitely not something I could’ve thought a few months ago. Once, all Ellana had cared about was her clan, the People, and her magic. True, she’d been happy to help the wider world when she could—she’d healed mages and templars wounded in the war when Clan Lavellan ran across them and given food to elves in the Alienages when they’d had some to spare. But Clan Lavellan had never thought anything they did could change the world.
Ellana still wasn’t quite used to how big her world was now.
Wait. They’re still talking. Focus!
Bull was saying to Krem, “…an Aqun-Athlok. That’s what we call someone born one gender but living like another.”
“And Qunari don’t treat those…Aqun people any differently than a real man?”
Ellana tried not to let her frown show. Why would Krem even think that?
“They are real men.” Bull looked into Krem’s eyes. “Just like you are.”
Ellana nodded emphatically beside Bull, still upset that Bull felt he’d had to say it at all.
“Hm…. Maybe your people aren’t so bad after all,” Krem said, smiling.
“Don’t get your hopes up, Krem. We still come down hard on the back talk.” He turned to Ellana, and was about to say something, but Ellana couldn’t hold it in any more.
“You know who else isn’t bad about people born into the wrong body? The Dalish! Well,” she glanced at the Dalish elf in the group, “Clan Lavellan, at least. I can’t speak about other clans.
“My Clan’s great, though.” She gestured to herself. “I’d know.”
Krem looked surprised. A few of the other Chargers did, as well. “I had no idea, Your Worship.”
“Oh, thanks, I guess? It’s okay if you did, though. It wouldn’t destroy my world or anything. It’s a good thing I’m an elf, because I’d probably forget to shave all the time.”
She leaned in. “And I always knew, too, since I was a child! My family listened to me right away when I told them. The Dalish have always had a strong tradition of allowing people to be who they are: women, men, in-between.”
Krem nodded. He wasn’t smiling. Had she done something wrong? “That sounds great.”
Oh, right—Tevinter awfulness. “I’m so sorry it was different for you. It shouldn’t have been. That’s—”
Don’t focus too much on any one person.
“Um, but I’m here to meet everyone! Sorry!” She cleared her throat and looked up at Bull. “Keep introducing me!”
Bull gestured to his crew. “Anyway, here’s the rest of the Chargers…or what’s left of the rest. A lot of ‘em went looking for stronger drinks.”
Ellana settled in to make some new friends and, hopefully, not be too weird around them.
Her brothers would have been proud: Ellana waited a whole day before talking to Krem again. True, that was mostly because she was hungover from drinking with the Chargers until mid-afternoon, but the result was the same.
She tried not to rush over to him. She tried for a casual saunter.
“Got a foot cramp, Your Worship?” Krem asked.
She was, apparently, very bad at casual sauntering. “Um. Nope. Just…nevermind.”
He was actually sitting in his chair and not standing on it, for once. She grabbed an empty chair from a nearby table and sat down beside him.
“I’m sorry if I was embarrassing the other night,” she said.
“Embarrassing? Not at all. I loved your songs.” Get five drinks in Ellana and she started belting out her favourites. “You’ve got a really good voice.” He glanced around the tavern, then said, “Almost as good as Maryden.”
“Flatterer!”
“I meant it!”
She giggled. “Well, thank you! But I meant before the drinking started. When we were talking about how we’re so similar.”
“Why would that be embarrassing?” He smiled. Bull was the big grinner and loud laugher of the Chargers—Krem was more reserved, she’d found. “I’ve never met someone else like me. It’s great.”
“Really? Never?” She winced. “Creators, that sounds difficult! I’ve met others like us at an Arlathvhen—that’s a gathering of Dalish Keepers and leaders to discuss our lore and remember our stories. And my keeper, Deshana, always told me about them.”
“So, everybody knows and nobody really cares?”
“My brothers made dumb comments sometimes—about my surgery, mostly—but that’s because sometimes brothers are dumb. One time, Orinth once stuck his face in a burrow to see what was in it. There were skunk tracks leading into the burrow. There were skunk droppings outside the burrow. And, shockingly, there was a skunk inside the burrow that didn’t appreciate an elf sticking his head in. We had to send him out of the aravel until he stopped reeking.”
Krem chuckled.
Ellana leaned back in her chair, balancing on the two back legs. “When you go your whole life thinking you’re only going to see the same 50 to 100 people, when you’re all dedicated to the same goal of surviving in the wilderness, when any time you meet another group it’s a coin toss whether they’ll tolerate you or try to kill you.… I mean, who has time to be weird about what people feel?”
Krem took a sip of his ale. “You mentioned surgery?”
“My balls. Gone! I had surgery when I was 13. Lots of milk of the poppy and lots of healing spells, but it worked. I didn’t grow into a body I didn’t want.” She frowned, remembering how often she’d begged for more surgeries. “They couldn’t get rid of everything, unfortunately. But I’m working on that.”
“How so?”
“The way I do everything, of course!” She focused her mana on her fingertip and made a candle-flame hover above her hand before she vanished it. “I mean, not fire magic, but you get the idea. You can’t toss a nug without hitting a mage in Skyhold, so we have people to spare for a personal project. I’ve asked a few of the healers to research how to grow skin. Healers can already mend skin—why can’t we create more?”
She stopped leaning back in her chair. “And, once we can create skin, we can create fat, and blood vessels, and muscles. In an above-board, non-blood-magic-y way, obviously! Once we can create these, we can put the right parts on people who need them or take other parts away. I have absolutely no idea how, but that’s for people smarter than me to figure out.”
Ellana gestured to her outfit. “My elven robes are great, of course. I think I really make ‘em work!” She posed coquettishly for effect. “But there’s some part of me that’s always wanted to stand dramatically at the top of a stairway in a sexy dress that shows off my cleavage, with…what does Varric call it in his books? Oh, right—with curves in all the right places. Like, real curves, not padding. A gorgeous skintight gown, showing skin, jewels in my hair…. That would be amazing.
“And I don’t want to be selfish! Once we worked out the logistics, I’d open up a clinic anyone in Thedas could visit if they wanted to alter their bodies. We wouldn’t take coin or anything. I have all this money now that I’m Inquisitor—it should go toward a good cause like this!”
Don’t be so enthusiastic, Lana. Ellana realized she was leaning forward, perilously close to Krem’s personal space. “Aheh.” She backed up. “Anyway, so that’s the plan. It’s probably a long way off. What about you—would you use magic, if you could?”
Krem shook his head. “I don’t want any magic like that within 10 yards of my body. When I was younger…I don’t know. Everyone has silly dreams. In Tevinter, dreams like that get you killed. Bull helped me make a good life. Nice armour and a well-placed sock, and I’m happy.”
There were lots of different ways to be yourself. Ellana could understand Krem’s point of view, though it wasn’t hers. “I’m glad you found each other.”
“Same here. But don’t tell him I said that. He’d lord it over me something awful.” Krem took a long drink from his flagon. After a moment, he said, “I’m glad your clan was so supportive of you. Wish I’d had that.
“My parents wanted me to marry up. They tried to find me a nice merchant’s son. Every day, I’d put on a dress, look into my father’s shaving mirror and just…hate myself.”
Tears welled up in Ellana’s eyes. Don’t be so raw, Lana. It makes people uncomfortable. The inner circle and her advisors had gotten used to her; her advisors knew to pause if she started crying, and sometimes Josephine would hold her hand. After the battle with Alexius, Varric had taken her aside to cry a bit before she faced an angry Queen Anora, pretending to bind her hand. And of course she cried when she was facing down Corypheus and then a giant avalanche, but some things were totally justified.
Krem was looking off into the distance, so at least hadn’t noticed. “My mother wanted to throw me out. She said if I didn’t marry well, I was dooming the family to slavery. She was happy to take the money I sent as a soldier, though. Not that it mattered in the end.
“My father…when I was little, he’d angle his mirror down so I could pretend to shave, just like him.” Krem smiled fondly. “He never said anything. But I think he knew.”
And that’s his good memory? A father who never said anything about it?! Poor guy.
She couldn’t stop a sniffle. Krem glanced at her and caught her wiping away tears with the handkerchief she kept up her sleeve.
“Sorry,” she muttered. “Just ignore me.”
“You apologize a lot, don’t you?”
“Sure, when I’m being weird. And you don’t have to be nice and tell me I’m not—I know I am.”
Krem looked at her thoughtfully. Suddenly, she didn’t want to be looked at. She stared at the tabletop. Tears kept falling, now from frustration that she couldn’t stop herself.
“Nobody says anything to me,” she commented, “but they’re all really worried about how I’m going to handle the Winter Palace. Honestly, I am, too. I’m hoping I get really sick the day-of and can’t go. I may or may not be storing a mouldy pickle in my room for the occasion. Don’t tell Josephine.”
“From what I’ve heard of the Game, it’s pretty stupid. I wouldn’t feel bad about not being good at playing it. Means you’re a normal person.”
Ellana snorted. “I’m not—nevermind.” She didn’t feel like arguing. As she wiped her eyes again, she said, “Let’s talk about something else.”
“All right.” She heard him take another sip, then he said, “Well, since you told me all about your past…. So, you know I’m from Tevinter. Wasn’t a slave, but even citizens have it rough if they’re not mages. I was a soldier, but women join the ranks under a different program. When they found out I was passing, it got ugly. I ran, met Bull near the border, and ended up here. Not a life I’d wish on everyone, but it’ll do.”
Her tears were ebbing, thank the Creators. “You left Tevinter when they discovered your secret?”
“Women are allowed to serve, but only in certain ranks and disciplines. I was up for a promotion, but the healer I’d bribed to sign off on my physical had to tend to a sick magister. When the replacement healer saw what was, or wasn’t, in my pants, he made threats. It was slavery or death, so I knocked him out and ran.”
Ellana recoiled. “It’s against the law to be who you are?”
Krem smiled wryly. “It’s a crime to lie on an imperial application for service. Would’ve been a heavy fine or slavery. For 10 silvers, the healer said he’d tell the tribune I was sick in the head. Some pity for the mad little girl.” His smile grew sharper. “That was when I hit him. I’d served for a few years. I was good at hitting.”
Ellana giggled and held up her hand for a high-five before remembering Krem was wearing armour. He didn’t leave her hanging, but it was a very light tap, which was considerate of him. “I’m surprised you escaped from the Imperium so easily.”
He shrugged. “It’s not like I lived in Minrathous. I was in Trevis, not far from the Nevarran border. It helped that I was being chased as a deserter, not a runaway slave. Slave-hunters only get paid for what they catch. They’re efficient bastards.”
“Ugh, Tevinter! That place is—” she growled. “I mean, I know it’s your home, so I don’t want to say anything too bad, but….”
“You won’t say anything I haven’t heard before. Usually from the Chief himself. And I wouldn’t call it my home anymore. I haven’t been back in years. My home’s with the Chargers now.”
“You don’t miss Tevinter at all?”
“Some of the people and some of the places.”
“I miss my clan every day. They were the only family—the only people, really—I’d ever known until these past few months.” She glanced at her left hand. Could she go back home once she defeated Corypheus? (If, she reminded herself. There was always the possibility that good might not win this time. She didn’t like thinking like that.) Back at Haven, she’d told Cassandra she could. When everyone was singing some Andrastian song at her after Haven, she’d just about headed for home on sheer principle. But since finding Skyhold, it had grown harder and harder to remember her clan’s ways.
“Tevinter’s about as far from your clan as I can imagine.”
“Oh, we’re not perfect. Some of the warriors love picking fights with humans. And everybody gossips—sometimes they make up rumours just for fun.” And my brothers liked to tease me just to see me cry. Ellana wrinkled her nose. But her brothers were balanced out by her parents and her keeper and all the others whose love didn’t come with snares. “But we’re pretty great. If we can be great, I don’t see why other people can’t. Even Tevinter. They just need to be shown how. Dorian’s fighting to change his homeland. He might succeed.”
Krem opened his mouth, closed it, then said, “Mm. I wish him good luck with that.” He clearly didn’t think much would come of it.
“I know, I know—the small-town girl with the big dreams that are going to be crushed by reality. Ack, I’m such a cliché!” She widened her eyes to look particularly doe-eyed and silly.
It made him chuckle. Making him chuckle made her feel great, considering some of the sad things they’d been talking about. “You’re a small-town girl who’s made out better than most.”
Until humans realize they put an elf in a position of power. “Wish I’d had anything at all to do with that. It was pure blind luck. I just grabbed a ball.” A magical elven orb of unknown power, technically. “Even a child can do that.”
She sat on her hands so she wouldn’t reach out and hug him. You weren’t supposed to have one great conversation with someone and hug them after. There were levels to friendships, which she hadn’t yet figured out. She tried to think of them in terms of spells: Bull was a Wall of Fire friend, and Krem with a Flashfire friend. But how did friends change their type? Spells were simpler. No, they’re not simple at all. But they don’t make me feel as vulnerable as people do.
“Thanks for stopping by, Your Worship. I was hoping we could have a chance to talk. Feel free to pull up a chair whenever you want.”
“I will! But you might regret that when I’m on hour two of telling you about a spell I just learned.”
“I have to deal with the Chief. I’m good at pretending to listen.”
She giggled, feeling a stir of envy that he could be so witty. She was always talking, but she rarely said anything intentionally funny.
Maryden started playing ‘O Grey Warden.’ Krem’s gaze leapt past Ellana and locked on the minstrel.
It took her a few minutes to realize he probably wanted her to leave. Ellana stood. “Why don’t I let you enjoy the entertainment?” She hadn’t checked on Sera lately. Maybe she could have a conversation without offending her this time. Ellana mounted the stairs two at a time.
Okay, new plan for Ellana’s Inquisition: save the world, open my clinic, end all slavery and reform Tevinter for the sake of all Tevinters but particularly my new friend.
If the Herald of Andraste wasn’t allowed to dream big, who was?