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Wedding. Nathan had thought about it. Every time he looked at Anders, in fact. He knew he wanted to live the rest of his life with him, but he didn’t need to propose to him to do that….. did he ?
No, he didn’t, but he wanted to. It was selfish of him, because he already knew what Anders would say. Something about him being an apostate, about Justice, about his fight for the mages’ freedom. All good reasons to refuse a proposal, of course. But deep down, he wanted to give it a shot, he wanted to get a stupidly expensive ring and get down on one knee.
When he still lived in Lothering, he didn’t think about weddings, but his parents sure made marriage look nice. And now, he was in a jewerly shop in Hightown. He didn’t tell anybody where he was going, because they didn’t need to know, and he didn’t need to be teased about that. It was a bad idea, and he didn’t even know Anders’ ring size ! But now, it was too late to turn back and act as if nothing happened, because he was in the middle of the shop, with his sweaty palms and his teeth worrying his lips. He shouldn’t be this nervous, but he was. He felt like his ribs were piercing his lungs and he couldn’t breathe properly, he tried to calm himself, try to focus his mind on one thing but so much was happening at once and he felt so out of place. He couldn’t even decipher what the merchant was telling him. All he could hear was a constant buzz, and a tiny voice inside his head repeating he was a fool. And maybe this voice was right. Maybe he should have told Isabela. She would have laughed, told him it was the Hanged Man’s disgusting ale speaking for him, that he’d forget about it.
He almost managed to convince himself to leave, but then he spotted it. The ring. It reminded him of Anders’ eyes and it was such a cheesy thought that he couldn’t help but chuckle before telling the merchant he wanted this one.
Now, he had to wait for the perfect moment. He kept the ring in his pocket at all time and he waited.
In the end, the perfect time didn’t come because Orsino and Meredith had an argument and they had to watch the Chantry blow up. He stared at Anders’ face and he couldn’t read his expression. It was the face of a man who was ready to die for what he believed in, but Nathan wasn’t ready to let him go. It made his heart ache and suddenly, the ring felt heavy in his pocket.
He didn’t hear what Meredith said. Something about killing every mages in the Circle. About killing him, the Champion. Everything was a blur and he couldn’t stop looking at Anders. He noticed a lot of things in only a fragment of seconds. The way Anders’ lips were trembling, how dark and deep the circle under his eyes were, indicating how tired he was, the frown that could mean only one thing : he really was determined to die. And as selfish as it was, Nathan wanted to take Anders’ hand in his and run away from Kirkwall. But he was quickly pulled out of his thoughts because he heard a sudden shout, Meredith probably, and templars were rushing towards them. Nathan wasn’t too keen on violence, but maybe, this time, he could make an exception.
When they were done, his daggers and his armor were covered in blood and he felt as if it soiled the ring. Now, he had to deal with “his friend” as Orsino put it. More than friends, he almost added. But it was best to shut up right now.
Anders was sitting on a crate, not saying a word and Nathan wondered what the man was thinking about. Death, probably. The only way Nathan could tell that Anders was nervous was because his leg was shaking, and despite how hard he tried to hide it, Anders was never very subtle. The ring felt even heavier in his pocket.
“ There’s nothing you can say that I haven’t already said to myself. “
Nathan didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything. But it probably was for the better, because if he could move, he’d probably drop on one knee and ask Anders to run away with him on the spot. His eyes were still glued to Anders’ back and he licked his lips. He didn’t realize how dry they were. He felt out of place, again. Because he didn’t think he should decide if his lover should die or not. Because his answer would be biased, because people would hate him for his decision. But since when did Nathan start caring about what other people could think ?
“ You could have trusted me, Anders. You still can. “ He put his hand so suddenly on Anders’ shoulder, it startled the apostate, who then scoffed.
“ You’re being foolish. “
“ When am I not ? Fight by my side, Anders. Then, we’ll run away together. “
Anders stood up and stared at Nathan, probably to see if he actually meant it, if he could read the lies on his face. But for his part, Nathan realized he still couldn’t read Anders, and it felt like they never knew each other.
“ Please, “ Anders took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He held his hands in front of him, as if he was trying to protect himself, as if he was trying to push Nathan away. “ You can’t possibly want to stay with me… after that. “ Nathan shrugged. He had proof in his pocket, that he would indeed spend the rest of his life with Anders. But maybe now wasn’t the greatest time. They didn’t have the time to talk anymore.
“ We have a fight to fight, and you’re coming with me. I refuse to give up on you. “
And with that, they made their way to the Gallows, fighting templars and blood mages. Killing, killing and killing. It seemed so natural now that he could ignore the dying screams and the metallic smell of blood, that he didn’t feel nauseous anymore. And yet, his heart didn’t felt heavy, but his daggers did. Maybe he was being naive, and he knew that sacrifices were sometimes necessary, but a part of him couldn’t help but think that they could have changed things without blood.
They finally arrived at the Gallows and they had to prepare for the battle. Nathan looked at his companions, his friends and he wondered if they truly believed in what they were fighting for. Probably not. But they were at his side, and it made the situation less stressful, somehow.
He shared a word with each of them, a handshake, a hug, a pat on the shoulder. It felt nice to see Bethany again, although it would have been nicer if it wasn’t when she needed to fight for her life. She looked so tired but she hid it behind a smile, and Nathan felt guilty because he realized how alone she must have felt, and he thought that he should have tried harder to convince the knight-captain not to take her the Gallows when he came back from the Deep Roads, he should have been the one telling her about the death of their mother. He hugged tight, as if he didn’t want to let her go, as if he tried to undo all the wrongs that happened to her. She squeezed his hand and gave him an understanding smile. She looked like she was about to cry, and he probably was too.
Now, only Anders was left and Nathan really didn’t know what to tell him. He still thought about the ring, of course. How could he forget ? He was anxious, and he wondered whether it was because he feared Anders’ reaction or if it was because they were about to fight Meredith, who probably was the most ruthless opponent they will ever face.
Anders was nervously clutching his staff and he was looking down at his feet, a frown on his face. He didn’t notice Nathan’s presence, or maybe he did and he just chose to ignore it. Either way, Nathan took the deepest breath he ever took, got the ring out of his pocket and got down on one knee. He heard shocked gasps and laughters, or maybe he imagined it. It didn’t matter. His heart was beating so fast and he knew the tips of his ears were red. He didn’t even realize he stopped breathing.
Anders was holding his staff even tighter, to the point where his knuckles turned white. Nathan didn’t dare look at his face, but when he did, he saw Anders staring back at him, eyes wide open and mouth agape. Suddenly, Nathan realized he could guess what Anders was feeling and it almost made him cry. He was inevitably surprised, but there was a glimpse of happiness in his eyes.
“ I kept waiting for the most perfect time… “
“ You have a weird definition of perfect. “ Anders chuckled and Nathan couldn’t help but smile. His heart sang with love and he put the ring in Anders’ free hand and held it tight. He got up but he didn’t let Anders’ hand go. Not yet.
“ We don’t know what could happen. And I don’t want to think about the outcomes. But I want you to have this ring. “ The mage didn’t say anything at first. He simply examined the ring, as if he couldn’t take his eyes off it.
“ If we live through this, you know I’ll be hunted. “ He let out a shaky breath. Nathan could tell he was nervous. Everybody was. “ But if you would join me, I’d rather be on the run with you than safe with anyone else. “
“ Then we will be fugitives together. “ With those last words, Nathan slipped the ring on Anders’ finger and they shared a hug. They both felt whole again. They were going to be okay.
“ It’s a pretty ring. “
“ It reminded me of your eyes. “