Chapter Text
Why on earth did he think this would be a good idea. Connor couldn’t stand it anymore. His dead-end job, the lack of motivation, the flood of nothingness constantly drowning him and mostly – the lively throng of people passing him by, as if he was invisible. Chatting, smiling, holding hands… living. He started thinking how he wanted to stop. If he didn’t take another breath, would anything change? For him, the entire world would cease to exist, yet it wouldn’t even fully register his disappearance. His family had distanced themselves since his younger brother had died. The only true friend he ever had. Maybe he would be able to meet him again, if he just closed his eyes forever. Point was no one was going to miss him. He didn’t like his dull co-workers and his social life left much to be desired. Meaning he had no one. He looked at his phone, realizing it was still pretty early in the morning. He had the whole lonely day of self-contemplating ahead of him.
A little toddler girl with pigtails halted and studied the sad man on the roadside with her wide blue eyes. She couldn’t possibly understand a single thing about his situation, still, Connor wanted to see a smidgen of sympathy in those innocent eyes, a bit of comfort. Before he was able to though, she was pulled away by the hurrying adults, leaving him with nothing at all.
It was really stupid, being at such a popular vacation spot and spending the time there with another fruitless self-reflection resolving in endless moping about. He had some reasons to come here. First, the trip was exceptionally cheap. Second, he always wanted to start travelling, to do something he wasn’t as comfortable with, to change a thing or two in his life. To give himself another chance. Maybe he would be brave enough to meet new people, to create new memories that would be worthwhile. He should have known better. Perhaps he was too far gone to alter anything in his life. But there was something about this place. The Italian people seemed warm and friendly,… well expect that one lady who had almost thrown him out of a store when he waved a hundred euro bill in front of her. Or maybe it was his imagination, he couldn’t speak the language after all. One spiffy young lad had smiled at him and Connor thinks he complimented him, but he couldn’t be sure with the guy’s broken English. It helped a little, but soon it was gone. The person and the feeling of meaning something. The sea was also nice. The weather decided to hide the Sun behind the sombre clouds and lower the temperature to the point he was considering wearing a sweater, so he wasn’t throwing himself in it, but it was still summer and the Sun might still show its flaming head to them if it so pleases. The good thing about this was that not so many people were on the beaches, making the experience a lot more bearable and tranquil. The sand sticking to his feet, the cold waves washing over them, he loved these sensations. The wind that ruffled his hair, providing the smallest amount of comfort, enveloped him with the smell of the sea, salty and so close, so perfectly natural and real. He had always admired it, how seemingly infinite it is. Compared to it, he was just a tiny meaningless speck buried among billions others. It was there before he had been born, it would exist long after he’s dead. Consoling.
When he had walked through the promenade full of cheerful vacationers and busy natives that were wielding banners screaming how out of place he was, how alone he was compared to them, he couldn’t handle it anymore. All strength had abandoned him and he had sat his body on the nearest bench. Regretting. Why did he think this was a good idea again? A different place, same old ache.
He often lost himself looking at the sky, talking with it, making wishes. “I wish not to be alone anymore.” Casting a wish to the universe was a dangerous thing, since the universe always listened.
He was here now, no matter what he felt. Better make something out of it, since he had payed the hard-earned money for it and all. Something called him towards the sea again and he couldn’t refuse the call. It was the most beautiful thing out there after all. And so he hauled his heavy body to the walkway lining the sea shore, trying not to show distress as not to ruin anyone else’s time, failing miserably. Right when another destructive thought threatened to enter his mind, he saw something,… someone. Looking at him. Not with a pity or annoyance, but with a sheer curiosity. And Connor looked back. Astonished. Even more so when the stranger offered him a smile, layered with sadness and understanding, the sincerest one he saw in the longest time. Or maybe he just pictured it that way. But something told him that he didn’t, because the man started talking to him. In Italian. He never wished to speak the language more than now.
~~~
It was the hardest day of his life. He didn’t see himself coming there anytime soon, not after what had happened the last time. But he couldn’t say no, not when it concerned his own father, who was to be buried in one day. He used to be quite close to him when he was a child. Always being teased by him, passing it on to his younger sister who acted like she hated him but he was sure that she secretly loved him the same as he loved her. How he longed to return back to those carefree days spent playing by the sea in the sun. He liked living there but couldn’t stay. When it was time to choose his citizenship, it was clear to him that his happiness was waiting for him overseas, in the great United States, his and his father’s birthplace. How naïve he had been back then. He had his job as a detective and that was the only stable thing in his life. Coming to terms with his sexuality and having a steady relationship had been weighing him down. He didn’t even succeed in the ‘relationship’ part. Short lived hook-ups was the most affection he had gotten back there in Detroit. Well that and the constant nagging of his fellow policeman and best friend Tina, who had begged him to take her with him. But he couldn’t. This was a strictly family matter and he had to deal with it on his own. He had promised her that he would take care of himself, a promise that he had the urge to break as he was driving from the airport to his mother’s home town, Jesolo. He wanted to swerve his car of the road and join his father in the world beyond the stars. He had tried to distract himself with various other painful memories during his flight there, but when he had landed everything became very real to him. His father was dead and he wasn’t there to bid him goodbye. He wasn’t there when he was suffering through his last agonizing day stuck in the hospital bed. He just wasn’t there for him and that was something he would never be able to forgive himself. His mother and sister were sure to remind it to him. They were the one the had to deal with everything when he had been carelessly living his own life, too far away from all the ache. But it was getting closer and closer now and there was no escape anymore. He had to face the reality and with it his broken family, its surviving members most definitely not being too fond of him right now. He missed him, he missed his father more than anything right now. How he wished to hear his raspy voice or see his goofy smile. He knew crying and driving wasn’t the smartest combination but there was no way of stopping the tears now.
“How very nice of you to show your ugly mug, Gavin dear.” He knew the meaning of the phrase “Italian household”, he had the privilege to experience it first-hand countless of times after all. But today was different. Something crucial was missing. A person providing balance to this whole screaming and yelling was gone for good, making his presence even more unbearable than usually. He tried to placate his mother, tried to find sympathy in his sister, but it had been so impossibly difficult he had no choice but to give up. Couldn’t stay in that house, too seeping with pain, too raw. He had anticipated this scenario, so was somewhat relieved when he arrived into his hotel room he had booked for this sole reason. Tomorrow would be the day he’d see his pops for the last time. He didn’t want for it to come, he couldn’t wait for it to be over. This night too he couldn’t sleep a wink.
Gavin thought that after it was all done and finished, they would become a family again. But it seemed that with his father in the ground so was the entire concept of that. No one really spoke to one another and if they did, it was with harsh coldness and accusing words. Everyone was blaming someone for one thing or another. He couldn’t stand it. Some more loud words later and he was back in his empty hotel room, alone with his vivid memories of happier times long gone. He couldn’t return home, not yet. Something was keeping him there, maybe a need to make things right with the rest of his family or the want to relive his time with his father there, to remember all that was carved to this town where he had hidden his childhood. Time to rediscover it again. And so he had spent days just roaming through the streets and recalling all the precious things he and his late father did there. The street when he had broken a leg and his father carried him home in his arm was now almost unrecognizable to him, the aquarium they loved visiting all rebuilt and renovated, their favourite restaurant nowhere to be found. Time had overtaken him. There was nothing left of his father now.
It lasted for a while when he just couldn’t carry the weight of it anymore. He wanted to ask his father for forgiveness, he needed to repent. So he ended up in the exact church the funeral had been held. And that was the only place he saw him at. A transparent apparition of the past. Standing by the wooden pews, looking straight at him. Nodding his head in approval. As if he was saying “I’m proud of you, son.” Gavin could almost hear it, coming from all around of him. From inside of him. He felt his father near and he knew he wasn’t mad or blaming him for anything. He was simply glad for the time they got together, the whole family.
He understood the suffering his mother and sister were going through and decided to give them some time to recover. Maybe next year they could try again.
His flight wasn’t leaving for another three days, forcing him to make some plans as he was done agonizing. Maybe he could pretend that he was on a nice European vacation and try to enjoy the town in a different style. And then he could perhaps visit Venice too, since it was so close. It would be nice coming back there again, he loved getting lost in the labyrinth of quaint narrow streets in the city that looked like it was cropped straight from a fairy tale. Maybe.
~~~
Connor regarded the handsome stranger anxiously, wishing he could respond to whatever he was saying or asking. He held up his hands in defeat and put a stop to the man’s vain efforts.
“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian, ehh… Inglese..” Okay, he knew some words, but not enough to create a comprehensive sentence. The man in front of him chuckled and he could see some form of glee coming from his eyes.
“Oh, so you’re British then” the man replied in a perfect American accent. Interesting. He found himself at a lost for words and so the mysterious man continued talking.
“I was saying that it’s a shame for such a pretty face to be looking all gloomy like this.” When Connor worked out what was said to him, his face turned the colour of a cherry. He didn’t know what was happening right now, it all seemed to surreal. He couldn’t move or speak, left to the mercy of the person who was now untying something from his wrist. Before he could react, the man took his arm and fastened an ethnic-looking bracelet around it. In that moment he knew that this day would become more than just another hollow memory. This would be something else, no matter if good or bad, he would accept it fully.
“This is a present to make you happier.” Yes, it was working already. “I’m Gavin by the way. What should I call you?” Gavin was still smiling at him, making his heart burst with appreciation. It wasn’t very difficult offering it back.
“Connor,” he mumbled softly, not used to having this kind of conversation and certainly not being ready for one. His mind still lagged behind, still stuck in the loop of detachment and isolation.
“Let’s go then, Connah.” He mocked the pronunciation of his name, how adorable. Connor was now being pulled by his arm somewhere else, hopefully better.
“What is a good-looking guy like yourself doing alone in a place like this?” The warm hand set him free and its owner was now walking next to him, giving him a peculiar look. Was he flirting with him? It was all too new and unfamiliar to him and he couldn’t be sure of anything, but he labelled it as a likely possibility. Strangely, it didn’t feel wrong or “icky” to him, quite the opposite – he felt flattered.
“What made you think I’m all alone?” When he properly tried it, talking with Gavin wasn’t as hard as he made himself believe. Could be the undefinable vibe he was giving. Something about him just made Connor forget all the bad that had occupied his brain not a moment ago.
“Come on, it was obvious to me even before you let yourself being abducted by me like this, without any question.” He had a point there. In that state, he would let himself be taken by anyone without a second thought. He didn’t really care what was the other man’s intentions. Anything would be better than the hell he was suffering before Gavin had found him.
“Yeah, you’re right. There was no one to come with me I guess.” Saying that made his heart hurt a little. He truly had no one in his life that would be willing to go anywhere, least on a vacation, with him.
“’s hard to believe, honestly. But a win for me.” Connor noticed how smooth his voice sounded and how he really enjoyed listening to it. He would go with this person anywhere, even to a dingy rape dungeon. The colours surrounding him somehow appeared brighter and the salty smell of the sea more intense. He could even hear the cries of the seagulls, something he hadn’t been able to notice before.
“You don’t really care where I’m taking you, do you? I could be a serial killer leading my newest victim to his death for all you know.” Gavin’s face got serious but it soon regained its boyish smile. He felt a light pat on his back for a split second. Everything so far told him that Gavin was the furthest from a serial killer he could be.
“Not really good serial killer then.” Oh god, now he was doing it too. “No, I don’t mind. It’s better this way.” Connor tried to sound playful, but something heavy was weighing his heart down, making the smile he gave him look all strained and wrong.
The truth was, at that moment, in that place, Connor would truly go anywhere with Gavin. Maybe with anyone. He yearned to finally live, even if it meant dying under suspicious circumstances somewhere in Italy. That would be fine. It would only prove that he did something real, making himself step out of the shell of comfortable unhappiness into the world of uncalculated experiences. He always planned out everything he did, everything but the most important event so far.
Gavin stayed silent for about a minute, creating an opportunity for Connor’s heart to fill with subtle dread and underlying sweetness. He had no idea where they were going as the crowds appeared to be slowly thinning, soon they would find themselves on a deserted street. Just the two of them in the world it seemed.
“So… what brings you here?” The thick silence got luckily interrupted by Gavin’s curiosity. Connor promptly decided not to lie to this person. He imagined it would feel wrong, subconsciously craving honesty. Every false fact spoken just added to his soul’s wrinkles. And his body’s too.
“Hmm, I guess I wanted to do something different, get out of the country and experience the real world!” He feigned enthusiasm and raised his arm to signify the supposed state of mind. “Or something like that. But… I think I just wanted to escape the dead-end life I got back home. Feel like a human being again. …. Plus I love the sea.” The words, they came naturally. He never was this open, not to his family, not to the friends that were rarely there, not to his shapeless lover. Gavin simply had an aura that invited him to spill out all of his deepest secrets to this perfect stranger, which he would gladly do. They’ve known each other for about ten minutes yet he felt like they were a pair of the oldest friends.
“I get it. My life isn’t exactly rainbows and roses either.” The pained smile was something Connor realized he didn’t want to ever see. It was vile and guiltily beautiful. But the real thing, nothing could match that.
So far it didn’t seem strange to him, all this curiosity, this budding feelings inside of him. He attributed them to his lonely self-destructiveness. But soon, he wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. Soon he’d find just how wrong he was about himself and would have to learn how to properly deal with it. But now he could still appreciate the newly-found company that was extinguishing the swelled up loneliness that was about to suffocate him had he not entered his life. It was starting to get warm.
“So um… you’re Italian then?” Connor felt stupid and akward asking that, but he just had to know.
“Technically. American-Italian more like. I’m just visiting my eh…, my family. I live in Detroit.” Gavin did look a tiny bit… exotic. Enough to be charming. He didn’t have the time or courage to fully observe him before. He hadn’t noticed his bleary grey eyes, the light stubble on his chin nor the mysterious scar across his nose. It all appeared raw and natural. Alive. He could appreciate how handsome the shorter man was… as another man. That wasn’t weird, surely other people did that too. Right.
“You’re from London?” Oh, now it was his turn to talk. Better try hard not to sound too uncharismatic.
“Yeah actually. I bloody hate it there.” He mumbled his response, ashamed of his real opinion but unable to hide it from Gavin. Is not that he hated the city or its people. He hated the version of himself living there. Without dreams, without hope, without love. Working day and night. Just like a machine. One that started rusting, because no one took a proper care of it.
Connor wanted to elaborate on it when out of nowhere an elderly couple emerged from behind a building. Clearly a pair of tourists, seemingly lost. An older gentleman wearing a funny baseball cap that had “I ♥ Italy” written on its front nodded and smiled at them politely, approaching them with desperate confidence. The lady who held her straw-hat that was about to be snatched by the warm summer wind was meekly lagging behind. The man started asking them something, which he couldn’t quite understand. Just then it occurred to him that they weren’t speaking English, but rather German. Oh, joy. Connor took the language in high-school and it would pester him all through the college. At first he just had loved the language in all its irony, but as time went on, the liking became more and more genuine. He still could speak fluently even after the flagrant negligence towards it. It got hammered to him pretty tightly.
So Connor right away took the initiative to use his language skill and started talking with the cute elderly couple. The woman who had now secured her hat on her head took the greying man’s hand, presumably to support the both of them. It was really sweet and Connor couldn’t help but stare at it as the man was asking him about the location of the so-called Venice Wheel. Obviously he had no idea - being as clueless at the two of them, so he turned to Gavin.
When he had first spotted them, he had had the sudden urge to join them, to leave with them and abandon the man that had so randomly picked him up. It’s not that he felt to be in danger, or that the company was making him uncomfortable, it was more the dread of stepping somewhere to deep, somewhere he wouldn’t be able to swim out of. This didn’t feel like some run-of-the-mill forgettable encounter. It felt heavy and dense. The energy, the aura of the shorter man next to him was just too enticing to him. And that’s why he had wanted to run away before he… they got burned.
Not anymore. As he turned to Gavin, the look on his red tinted face, full of awe and adoration, the grey eyes sparkling with life, the slightly parted lips.... It drawn him in. So after few seconds that felt like all his summers had passed before him, he relayed the question of concern to him.
Connor managed to successfully describe the way there to them now, or so he hoped. It was all too dream-like, so unlikely and yet so real. The Earth could be shaking under his feet, he wouldn’t notice. He couldn’t see himself in those older tourists, not ever. He figured he’d perish young or turn to a bitter old geezer who screams at pigeons and feeds crumbs to children. But now, in this moment of being somewhere in between, a glimpse of that unlikely future barged into his mind. And how tempting it was just to steal the whole of it, but couldn’t for it was too out of his reach.
They were alone again, and Connor was glad. He didn’t want to think that Gavin’s intentions were even slightly similar to the ones he was still unaware of, and so he subdued the silly grin that was too out of his habit and just let them walk side by side, casually, and all too formally.
He wanted to breach the silence when his heart skipped. A smallest, most insignificant touch, akin to a breeze caressing his skin. A brush of fingers, nothing less, nothing more. It shouldn’t be anything, it shouldn’t have any meaning. So why he wanted it to go on forever. Just that. He could live with just that. Stupid. Pathetic. His head turned away in shame, so he didn’t see Gavin running towards something lying on the street. Soft whispers, not in English were stroking his ears. Connor was fondly watching that man talking to a large fluffy black cat, alluring him it with his Italian fluency.
“I have one like this at home.” Words meant for Connor no doubt. Gavin was now scratching its belly, so sweetly and lovingly, making him want to switch places with it. Choosing not to fight it, he crouched down to them, not daring a single touch.
He could get used to this – the warm smile, the soft humming, the peace spreading through him. A mistake he thought himself smart enough not to make. Not yet.