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Bucky looks up from his book to see the elevator doors sliding open, revealing Clint bouncing on his toes, barely contained excitement written all over his face. The moment the doors open wide enough to fit his shoulders he shoots out, almost skipping with happiness.
Bucky smiles fondly at the antics. He’s pretty sure that if he hadn’t already been head over heels for the archer, he’d have fallen down pretty damn hard at seeing him act like an overgrown puppy.
“Guys, guys, guys! You are never going to believe what just happened!” Clint calls out.
At that, Bucky closes his book, because whenever Clint starts a story like that, it’s either gonna be a disaster or hilarious, and more often than not it’s a combination of the two.
Steve walks out of the kitchen, where he had been attempting to make a big enough lunch to feed the entire team, turning down the heat as he passes the oven. Bruce pokes his head up from the holographic chess game he’s playing with Natasha, and Wanda pauses the movie she, Thor, Rhodey and Sam had been watching.
“If this is about your most recent dumpster diving adventure, we don’t wanna know.” Natasha says in a deadpan voice.
“And if you’ve found out how to legally marry pizza you have to share that information, like, right now!” Peter pipes up from where he’s sitting cross legged in a hammock he webbed to the ceiling.
“Excuse you, I never go dumpster diving,” Clint replies, frown tugging at the corners of his mouth.
Natasha just raises an eyebrow at him and says nothing.
“Yeah, okay, I may or may not have accidentally landed in a dumpster once or twice,” he concedes. He scowls at the resulting snorts from varying team members.
“If it’s not dumpster diving, pizza or coffee related this must be one hell of a story.” Steve says while sitting down on the couch next to Bucky, making a show of getting comfortable.
Clint immediately perks up at the attention and hops on the edge of the nearest high surface, which happens to be the dinner table, getting ready to tell whatever ridiculous thing he’d been doing that day.
“Okay, so, I was riding Tony and-” he starts, only to get cut off immediately by Bruce snorting coffee out of his nose.
“I’m sorry, you were riding Tony?” he coughs out.
“Yeah that’s what I just said, keep up,” Clint replies with a confused look on his face. “so I was on top of him, right, and he just keeps going faster and faster and-”
“Oh come on man, why are you telling us this?” Rhodey exclaims, face scrunched up like he just bit into a lemon.
There’s a loud thunk as Bruce faceplants right in the middle of his chess game, the pieces flickering slightly before resettling around his head. Natasha carefully cards fingers through his curls, a look of vague confusion on her face.
Steve leans closer to Bucky, worry clear in his eyes. “I think your boyfriend just confessed to sleeping with my husband, and is now proudly going to tell us about the details.” He says in a low voice.
Bucky snorts, shaking his head as he realizes that the whole room thinks that Clint – sex repulsed, not even vaguely interested in anyone’s genitals, in-a-steady-romantic-relationship Clint – had fucked Tony and felt the need to share that with all of the present Avengers.
He looks around the room to see the expressions range from mildly disgusted – Sam – to intrigued – Wanda – and amusement – Thor – and decides right then and there that he isn’t going to say anything, just watch as everything slowly descends into chaos.
“Clint,” Thor ventures to say, “our dear Anthony is not a horse to be mounted so vigorously.”
At that, shouts of disapproval sound from all around, and Bucky even hears Peter yell “Mister Thor, sir, you’re making it worse!” before clamping his hands over his ears.
“I want to ride him too!” Pietro loudly calls out as he zooms into the room.
“You what?!” Wanda exclaims, eyes almost bugging out of her face as she stares in horror at her brother.
“You would too, it looked like fun.” He replies with a smirk. His face turns thoughtful for a moment, then “it seems like Stark has a lot… how do you say? Stamina? He can probably be ridden by a lot of people.”
Wanda starts shouting at him in Sokovian, hands moving animatedly. Pietro gives as good as he gets, and their volume increases to almost unbearable levels.
Clint had gotten off the table and made his way to Bucky, kneeling down next to the armrest of the couch. “what, uhh,” he mumbles, “what is happening right now?”
Bucky decides to have mercy on him, but right as he starts to explain what everyone’s first thought at the sentence “so I was riding Tony,” was, the man himself walks into the room. On his heels is Pepper, gesturing wildly at the StarkTech screen she’s holding with a furious expression on her face.
“Yes Pepper I get it, no more Tony rides where the public can see it, film it with their phones and spread it across the internet.” He says, dragging a hand down his face. “Geez, stop giving me hard time! Hawkguy almost blew my back out anyway, it’s not like we’re gonna do it again sometime soon.”
At that, Steve rises with a dangerous expression on his face.
“Anthony Edward Stark, we need to talk. Right now.”
The whole rooms falls quiet at the stern tone of Steve’s Captain America voice, all eyes swiveling to settle on the glare to make sure it isn’t directed at them.
Clint scrambles around the arm rest and flops down into Bucky’s lap, whispering “hide me!” as he burrows his face into Bucky’s neck.
“uhh sure Steve, what’s up?” Tony says, a guarded – and mildly terrified – expression on his face.
Steve slowly prowls closer, barely contained anger rolling off of him in waves.
“what’s up?” he parrots, “well, my dearest Tony, I will tell you what’s up. What is up, is that not only did you have sex with someone that is not me, your legal spouse, you also did so while Pietro watched. To make matters worse, apparently this was in such a way that someone else caught it on video and put it on social media! That is what’s up!” Steve’s voice had been steadily rising throughout this, until he’s actually shouting the last few words.
Tony looks taken aback, his eyes wide and his mouth gaping, for once in his life at a loss for words. Clint raises his head from its hiding spot, a confused “wait, what?” tumbling from his lips.
The tension in the room is almost suffocating, everyone waiting to see what the hell is gonna happen now.
Pepper opens her mouth to say something, but instead of words a startled giggle comes out. She claps a hand over her face, takes a deep breath, opens her mouth again and bursts into laughter.
“Have any of you actually seen the video?” she says, gasping for air. At the uncertain headshakes she starts howling again, bending over with the force of it.
“oh my god does everyone think I had sex with Tony?” Clint breathes. At Bucky’s affirmative nod Clint makes a gagging sound, face twisting with disgust.
Bucky snorts, pressing a kiss to Clint’s temple. “Hey JARVIS, could you maybe show us the video of Clint riding Tony?” he calls out.
Pepper, who had almost calmed down, has to sit down on the floor with the force of her laughter. Bruce is chanting an unending chorus of “no please no oh god no” under his breath, and Pietro claps delightedly.
In the middle of the room a holo pops up, showing them a random New York street. In the far left corner there’s a flash of red, gold and purple, and as it gets closer the formless shapes become Tony in the Iron Man suit, and Clint airsurfing on top of him. The archer is whooping with joy, arms raised in the air and feet spread out to keep his balance. The video abruptly cuts off as the two of them fly offscreen.
The silence stretches on for a long moment before Peter breaks it by saying “Okay, raise your hand if that was not what you expected to see.”
Clint squawks in indignation at the amount of raised hands, standing up from where he’d still been perched on Bucky’s legs.
“I am going to say this one time and one time only,” he declares, “Sex is gross, but even if it wasn’t I would never, ever, sleep with a married dude and I take offense to the fact that apparently everyone in this room thought I would. ” He turns around to face Steve. “Seriously Steve, you really think Tony would cheat on you? With me? Come on man!”
Steve has the grace to look ashamed, mumbles an apology under his breath before crossing the room to where Tony is still doing his goldfish impersonation.
“I’m gonna need you to expand on your earlier statement for a second,” Rhodey says, a confused look on his face. “What, exactly, do you mean when you say “sex is gross”?”
Clint stares at him, uncomprehending. “I mean exactly what I say, sex is disgusting and I don’t wanna have it. All those dicks and vaginas and the fluids and the inserting of things and yuck.” He shudders. “Thanks, but no thanks.”
“He’s asexual,” Bucky explains, “Means he feels no sexual attraction, and in his case it also means he’s sex repulsed. Some asexual people are sex positive or neutral, and some are not.”
Pepper, who has finally recovered, gets up from the ground and straightens her skirt before saying “thank you for telling us that Clint, I never knew that about you.”
There’s a chorus of supportive sounds, but no one actually adds anything onto her statement.
Clint looks around the room, holds out his hand and hauls Bucky up from the couch. “come on babe, let’s go watch Dog Cops or something.”
Bucky smiles up at him, adoring the easy way this whole mess seems to slide off of his boyfriend's shoulders. “only if I get to choose the pizza toppings sweetheart.”