Archive of Our Own

o·a·sis

/ōˈāsis/

a pleasant or peaceful area or period in the midst of a difficult, troubled, or hectic place or situation.

I’m finding oasis in the desert

it's the season when the desert remains unchanging

Han Jisung entered into the idol industry at the meek age of 14-years-old. He was a lanky thing, all leg, and had big glasses that he hated. Not to mention, he was tiny; he had absolutely no muscle and while most kids his age were developing a six-pack he had boney features and ribs that seemed to protrude out. Jisung was never self-conscious of his body, however, he never really felt the need to. That was, until he met him . Bang Chan. Chris, as he was called in Australia—where he was from, Jisung found out a few days later—had been a trainee for 4 years prior to Jisung and was in the midst of forming a group to debut within the next few years. If there was someone who was the “perfect package”, it was Chan. He could rap, dance, sing, produce—something Jisung envied—, spoke fluent English and Korean, and was beautiful. Jisung spoke English as well, having grown up in Malaysia, but he was nowhere near fluent like Chan. Chris was also three years older than Jisung, seventeen and still more successful than a lot of kids his age. Jisung made it his mission to befriend Chan, at all costs. 

The first time Jisung actually met Chan was about a week into his training at JYP. Jisung was in some studio with about twenty other kids, stretching and listening to their dance teacher drone on about “positions” and “ensuring they stretch well”, Jisung not bothering to pay attention. 

“You know,” a voice from behind him spoke up, “I feel as though these teachers think we’ve never danced in our lives.”

Jisung made a face, he had never taken dance classes so it was actually pretty helpful to him,  “Not all of us have been training for that long. In fact, most of us haven’t danced.” He turned to face the voice, shocked when he realized who it was.

“O-Oh, God, I’m sorry. That was so rude of me! I’m sorry sunbae!” Jisung nearly tripped over himself trying to stand up and bow, but Chan just laughed and held his hand out at him. 

“No need to apologize! I was trying to make conversation, didn’t realize it came out rude.” He hummed, turning to face Jisung completely, “I’m Chan, Bang Chan.”

(I know) “Nice to meet you Chan, I’m Jisung. Oh, Han Jisung.”

Chan smiled, shaking Jisung’s outstretched hand, “Hey, how’d you know I’ve been training longer than you?” He raised an eyebrow, ignoring the teacher’s stretches to continue his conversation with Jisung. 

“You just… You’re Bang Chan, everyone here knows you.” 

Chan smirked, eyes gleaming somewhat, “Everyone knows me, huh?”

Oh great, Chan was the cocky type.

Jisung snorted, “I take it you like being the center of attention, Chan-sunbae?”

“Please, call me hyung,” Jisung felt his face redden, “and not really. Just shocked is all, didn’t think I was worth noticing.”

Jisung nodded, turning his attention back to the teacher who was moving on to actual choreography. Jisung couldn’t help but feel Chan’s stare on him the rest of the class. 

I walk on sand and can't seem to see anything

I must find it, I’m still finding it

though I know I won't ever catch it

Jisung thought that becoming a training would help manage his anxiety and depression, but it only seemed to get worse the more he trained. After his first time meeting Chan, he had actually gotten rather close with the older boy. In fact, they spent a lot of their free time together. Chan took a liking to Jisung, taking him under his wing and helping him with his homework and singing. At one point, Jisung walked into Chan’s room to see the elder with headphones on, fully immersed in a computer program and completely oblivious to Jisung’s presence. 

“Hyung? Hyung.” Jisung tapped Chan’s shoulder, his friend turning to him with a smile.

“Oh, Jisung. Didn’t even hear you come in, did you need something?” Jisung shook his head, simply moving his eyes to stare at whatever Chan was doing on his laptop.

“What is that, hyung?”

Chan turned back to his computer, “Oh, it’s just a song I’m working on.”

Jisung’s interest peaked, “You produce music?”

“I dabble,” he shrugged, “just something I do in my free time.”

Jisung had always had an interest in writing music. He wrote a lot of lyrics in his free time and always wanted to write songs but he never knew how.

“Could you teach me?”

Chan smiled, “Of course.”

Jisung found out Chan had depression too. They were in Chan’s room, talking about anything and everything, when the topic was brought up. 

“How long have you had depression?”

Chan looked up, staring at Jisung with a sad smile on his face, “All my life.”

“Really?”

The boy shrugged, leaning against his bed and crossing his arms across his chest, “I mean, yeah. I’ve always been sad, for as long as I can remember.”

“But you seem so happy,” Jisung bit his lip, he knew how it felt, “I understand though.”

Chan looked at him, “You too?”

Jisung nodded, playing with his hands in his laps, “‘m on medication, doesn’t really help though.”

“It never does, Jisung.” He closed his eyes and leaned further back, bringing Jisung closer, “It never does.”

I see something swaying from afar

as I'm getting closer, it’s too bright, I stretched out my hand to cover up my eyes

Jisung met Changbin a year into training. He was a small thing, with a scowling face that scared most of the trainees. Jisung was rather scared to approach the boy, seeing as though he radiated a somewhat dark aura. Changbin ended up approaching him first, baseball cat pushed so low on his head Jisung could barely see his eyes.

“Do you know where the cafeteria is?” His voice was nasally and deep, way deeper than Jisung’s shrill voice. 

Jisung froze, “U-Uh, yeah. I’m headed there now, actually, if you wanna join me?”

Changbin smiled, “Sure.”

The two sat beside each other in the cafeteria, food filed onto their plates, as they began talking. Changbin, as it turned out, was in his first-month training. He was 2 years older than Jisung and like him, was also a rapper. 

“You’re training as a rapper, too?” Changbin nodded, smiling gently.

“I’m trying to, at least.” He nudged his food around with his fork, “A lot of the teachers say I’m doing well for just starting.”

Jisung nodded, finishing the last of his lunch, “I’d love to hear you rap sometime Changbin-ssi.”

The older boy laughed, “Call me hyung.”

“Okay hyung!”

Changbin smiled, “Cute..”

Jisung scowled, “Ya! I’m not cute…” 

“Sure thing,” Changbin smirked from behind his glass, noting the pinkish tint growing on Jisung’s ears. 

Jisung threw his bread at him, Changbin laughing loudly and apologizing. (But he still thought Jisung was cute.)

Jisung introduces Changbin to Chan a few days later, the younger excited for his two friends to meet. As it turned out, they had a lot in common: anime, rapping, and working out. Jisung was glad to see his two friends get along so well, but it also made him anxious. 

Jisung was scared he’d be forgotten since Chan and Changbin were closer now. Jisung was used to being the third wheel, in relationships and friendships, and he was ready for it to happen again. 

“Sung? You ready?” Jisung pulled himself from his thoughts, smiling at Chan. The two of them were headed to get snacks from a nearby convenience store. 

Jisung nodded, adjusting his cap, “Yeah, sorry. Let’s go.” 

They began walking, stopping in front of the studio Changbin tended to occupy. Jisung bit his lip; he was most likely inviting the other boy. Jisung should’ve known that it being just him and Chan was too good to be true. 

“Changbin needed me to drop his headphones off,” Chan announced as they waited for the boy to answer, the older reaching into his hoodie and pulling out a bulky pair of headphones with a smile. 

The door opened, Changbin instantly smiling when he saw who it was.

“Oh, hey guys!” He hugged Chan and then turned to Jisung, pulling the youngest in for an unexpected hug, “You’re just in time.”

Jisung turned to him, eyebrow raised. “What are you doing, hyung?”

Changbin laughed, “I finished production on my first ever song.”

They say that a person’s smile can tell you a lot about their personality. While Changbin’s exterior portrayed him as dark and recluse, someone who chooses to stay alone than with others, his smile exuded the opposite. It was like staring at the sun, practically blinding. Changbin’s smile was as beautiful as him. As long as Jisung and Changbin were together, the younger made it his goal to see that smile as much as he could.

“Let’s hear it, Bin.” Chan’s voice broke Jisung out of his dazed state, turning to his hyung with wide eyes. 

Chan had the same glint in his eye he did when Jisung successfully rapped his new lines, a look of proudness and acceptance. Jisung wondered if Chan thought the same thing he did. 

Changbin looked at the two in anticipation as his track played, leg bouncing up and down. The room was small, the three cramped close together as they listened to Changbin’s track play out of crappy speakers. Chan nodded along, humming gently as Jisung watched him—eyes never leaving Chan. 

“Well, what do you think?”

Jisung hadn’t even realized the track ended, too immersed in staring at Chan. The eldest smiled, patting Changbin’s back.

“You did a good job, I’m proud.” 

The room seemed to glow after that, the cold air almost enveloping them in warmth as they sat there in silence. 

“I tried to kill myself the other day.”

both my eyes are closed again

support me my friends so I can reach it

Jisung never thought he had a bad life. His mother was supportive and his dad was hardworking. His older brother made sure to teach him everything he knew and was a great role model like most older siblings were. He was smart, always getting A’s in school—even when he moved to Malaysia. His parents wanted the best for their sons, always making sure they had what they needed to thrive in classes: the best tutors, the best school supplies, the best they could get. Jisung was grateful for everything, especially when his parents allowed him to audition at a company. 

So then, why was Jisung so sad?

It wasn’t over anything specific either, it never was. It was always random things that would cause him to break down. To lay in bed and not find a will to get out, to eat food, to see other people.

Chan changed that; he was the first person in Jisung’s life to make that large of an impact. When the young rapper told his friend about his problems, Chan had sat there and listened. Nodding and listening but not speaking, just letting Jisung vent. Then, he mentioned his eating disorder. It was something that made him vulnerable, something that he was ashamed of yet couldn’t seem to do anything about it. Jisung didn’t take medication—he did and it made him become irritable and lash out, so he decided against it—and he didn’t go to therapy. He chose to blame himself for his issues, blame his lack of mental health on the fact that he chose to stay quiet.

Chan was a good hugger, he was warm and never failed to make Jisung feel secured anytime the 19-year-old wrapped his arms around his small frame. Jisung didn’t realize he had started crying until Chan wiped his fingers under his eyes, wiping the tears beginning to fall down his face.

“You’re okay,” Chan whispered, those two words providing Jisung with more strength than he had ever had before. 

Hearing the words “I tried to kill myself” sent Jisung into a panic. Of course, he had dealt with those thoughts before, and he still did, but Changbin was his best friend. He was Jisung’s lifeline and he couldn’t bear to imagine his life without the man.

“Changbin…” Chan whispered, arms moving to rub his shoulders as Jisung stood and stared. That’s all Jisung could do lately, stand and stare. Words were too much effort to form, everything was too much for him. 

Changbin shook his head, “Don’t worry guys, ‘m fine.” His smile was sad, but he spoke as though he was okay, “I’m getting better about it.”

The room became silent again, the warmth seeming to vanish as the cold air of the studio took over. The light from the monitor faded eventually, as did the glow of Changbin. And just like an old dress, things began to break at the seams.

kneeling down to gain the momentum

I won't ever lose

Two months after the conversation in the studio, Chan went silent. Jisung figured he was busy with training, seeing as though it was nearing an announcement from PD-nim about new trainees entering into the company, but anytime Jisung tried to talk to the older he seemed to find an excuse to not tag along with him.

“Hyung, join me for dinner.”

“Sorry Jisung, gotta finish this choreography.”

“Wanna get snacks from the convenience store? Changbin hyung is buying.”

“Already ate, sorry.”

After the fifth excuse, Jisung started growing suspicious. He knew the older had a habit of hiding himself in his room to work on things and spending late nights in the studio practicing, but he never outright ignored Jisung like this. It wasn’t even just Jisung he was ignoring either, Changbin seemed to be getting blown off just as much. The two were eating lunch in the cafeteria when Changbin mentioned something, his fork pushing his food around his plate and not towards his mouth.

“Is Chan okay?”

Jisung looked up from his bowl of pasta, “You’ve noticed it too?”

Changbin nodded, “What did we do?”

He opens his mouth to respond when they spot Chan across the cafeteria, avoiding eye contact with the duo.

Changbin glares, “That’s it.”

He makes his way to Chan, ignoring the stares and murmurs from the other trainees. Jisung sneaks behind timidly, avoiding eye contact the entire way.

“Oi! Chris!” Chan barely turns his head, eyes red and bags prominent, “What the hell is your problem?”

Jisung feels his face go red and his breathing is becoming heavy, by now everyone in the cafeteria is staring at the three of them. “Changbin hyung, let’s go talk about this in private.”

Changbin ignores the younger, yanking his sleeve away from where he’s tugging on it. “No, if Chan wants to ignore us for two weeks I wanna know why. We have the right to know, Sungie.”

Jisung’s breathing picks up, the world starts spinning, and suddenly everything turns upside down.

When Jisung comes to, he’s laying in his bed. No, it’s not his bed. This bed is cluttered and the sheets are tan, his are blue, and the room smells of—vanilla?

“Sungie?”

A quiet voice draws his attention, he opens his eyes slowly and is face to face with Changbin and Chan, worry painted on both of their faces.

“Oh thank God,” Chan cries out, reaching quickly and enveloping the youngest in a tight hug, breath shuddering, “I-I was so worried, you just-just passed out.”

Jisung’s mind drifts back to the cafeteria. Changbin yelling at Chan, Chan moving towards the two of them, everyone staring at the three of them. Jisung’s heart is beginning to race again, his palms sweating.

“Hey, hey,” Changbin hugs him this time, “are you okay?”

Jisung nods, it’s barely noticeable, “‘m fine.”

The two stare at him, Chan sitting at the foot of the bed as Changbin crouches to the side. They stay quiet, staring at the younger as if waiting for all the answers to pop up out of thin air.

“Have you been taking your medicine?”

Jisung nods, his face heating up at all the attention he’s receiving. 

“Have you been eating?”

Jisung looks at Chan, the eldest’s face full of emotions; concern, worry, slight anger. Jisung nods slowly, not wanting to make any eye contact.

“Let me rephrase that,” Chan stares more intently, “ when was the last time you ate?”

Jisung bites his lip. He had a handful of almonds Changbin gave him the other day, he remembers eating a protein bar at some time too. Jisung tells him, Chan sighing deeply as Changbin’s eyes begin watering.

“You need to eat, Sungie.” They speak gently, almost afraid to scare the poor boy. “You can’t let yourself starve.”

Jisung shakes his head, “‘m not, just haven’t been hungry.”

“Is it because of me?”

Jisung looks up at Chan, the elder is moving towards him, hand reaching to stroke his. Jisung feels his breath hitch and he pushes a sob away.

“Why, why were you ignoring me? Ignoring us?”

Chan sighs, the hand not holding Jisung’s shaking, “I’ve been, overthinking—bad thoughts. Needed time away from, everything.” He takes a deep breath, “I didn’t want you to see me like, like that .”

“You don’t have to hide your problems, Chan.” Changbin speaks up, moving to the other side of the bed to grab Chan’s hand, regrabbing Jisung’s, “You have us.”

Chan is silent, letting Changbin stroke his palm with his thumb as Jisung moves his free hand to brush Chan’s hair delicately with his fingers. They stay like that for a while, the soft hum of the air mixed with quiet sniffles is all that fills the air. There’s contentment in moments like this, the feeling of warmth and togetherness. Jisung feels his eyes droop after a while, Chan’s fingers seeming to massage all the tension out of his shoulders and Changbin’s carding through his hair. 

“We should sleep,” Chan whispers, Jisung sleepily blinking at him. 

“In your bed?” He snorts, “It’s kinda small, hyung.”

“You’re small.” Jisung yawns, laughing when Changbin moves to attack him with tickles and yells of “ Yaw! I’m your hyung, brat! Where’s your respect!?”

Chan finally manages to get them to settle down, the three curling up into Chan’s small bed and letting their bodies intertwine. 

“What if we started a group?” Chan breaks the silence, the two boys turning to him.

“What do you mean?”

He sits up, “like, the three of us. We can write music, produce some mixtapes. It’d be good practice and a lot of fun.”

Jisung sits up, eyeing Changbin who looks equally interested, “I only just learned how to produce, Chan.”

“I can help you, we both can.” He gestures to Changbin, the boy smiling gently, “We should do it, it’d be fun.”

Jisung looks at both of them, their faces are full of hope and pride and Jisung wishes he can always see it.

“Okay, let’s do it.”

Chan smiles, hugging Jisung before moving to hug Changbin, the three curled up together in Chan’s small bed. Legs wrapped around each other’s and fingers twined, they fall asleep. 

even if my two hands are tied,

I'll keep walking along the streets confidently with my two feet

They spend the first few weeks of their time choosing a name for their group. Chan felt as though it was important to make a name for themselves before they got too immersed in the music.

“What about 2chansung?” Changbin suggests, the back of his pen making its way to his mouth.

Chan shakes his head, “I don’t know if I want our names in it, might be weird.”

Jisung nods in agreement, tapping his fingers against the desk. Jisung never realized how peaceful Changbin looks when he’s thinking. Peaceful. It’s a weird way to describe someone, but his hair falls gently and reminds Jisung of a bird’s nest, his nose scrunched slightly as he thinks, eyes closed. He’s like the sun, shining all times of the day but glowing at the right time. Chan, on the other hand, reminds Jisung of the moon. He has a dark and mysterious aura, his eyes dark and his stance powerful. However, like the moon he’s charming. His smile is enchanting and he’s just as mesmerizing as the sun. The two of them, Chan and Changbin, are opposites, but they reflect each other so well.

If they’re the sun and the moon, Jisung is is the stars. Small but bright, only seen shining when the time is right. The three of them, sun, moon, and star. The three of them together.

“Jisung?” Chan pulls him from his thoughts, staring intently.

“S-Sorry, just thinking…”

Chan nods, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, “it’s so hot in here, like the damn sauna.”

“We should call ourselves hot sauce, considering how hot we are.”

Chan groans, shaking his head, “I don’t even like hot sauce…”

“What about sriracha,” Changbin giggles, fanning Chan slightly.

That was it.

“3racha…” Jisung whispers, the two turning to him, “we can be 3racha!” 

Chan is silent, thinking a moment, “that’s so good, Sung!”

Changbin ruffles his hair, “who would’ve thought our little maknae would be so creative.”

Jisung swats his hand away but still smiles.

3racha. Chan, Jisung, Changbin. The three of them.

Their little group of three begins to grow a few weeks later when new faces join into the company. Woojin, the kindest person Jisung had ever met, joined a while after Changbin but didn’t get close with them until Chan discovered just how talented he really was. He was a year older than Chan and instantly took on the “mama bear” role, not that Chan complained—he acted just as childish as Jisung at times. Then there was Hyunjin, the most gorgeous person Jisung had ever met. He had a breathtaking smile and kind eyes and if Jisung didn’t know any better, he thought he was solely recruited for his looks alone. Turned out, he was an amazing dancer and equally as amazing as rap; Changbin took a liking to him very quickly but Jisung still had his qualms about the older boy. Jeongin had been training almost as long as Jisung, but since he was so young he never met the boy until a year later when Chan introduced him as “his son”. He was small and foxy, face full of braces, but he sang so passionately and was just as kind as Woojin. Seungmin was the next one to join their group. He had been at JYP the same length as Jisung but was rather quiet and standoffish, which Jisung quickly learned was because he was shy. When he sang, you would never think he was quiet. His voice was powerful and at such a young age, he had immense talent and even more potential. Woojin befriended a boy named Minho, who had just returned from touring as a backup dancer with BTS. Jisung instantly became intimidated, he already had idol experience and was just as beautiful as Hyunjin, and way more attractive than Jisung (who still had chubby cheeks and a baby face). But Minho was kind, he was funny and smart, and Chan instantly insisted he joined their group. There was eight, which was way more than Jisung had ever imagined, but then it quickly turned to 9 when Felix Lee joined. Felix was quiet, far quieter than Seungmin, and spoke little Korean—despite being Korean. He found out that he was actually raised in Australia, same as Chan, and the two instantly became best friends. Chan took Felix under his wing, helping to teach him Korean and help him with rapping. Jisung also noticed immediately just how deep Felix’s voice was, a huge contrast to the squeak of Jisung’s voice or the nasally tone of Changbin’s. Nonetheless, Felix was included in their group with the same warmth as the others. Their group of 9 was great, they were incredibly close and spent most of their time together; he was glad he had found such a great group of people.

More people joining their group meant more fun, but it also meant more pressure; especially since it was official that they would be working to debut. When PD-nim told them the news, they were ecstatic. Minho and Hyunjin were laughing like crazy, Woojin hugging them tightly. Felix gave Jeongin a huge hug, the two smiling brightly. Seungmin smiled off to the side, thanking him before moving towards Felix and Jeongin. Jisung walked up to Chan, the elder staring fondly at everyone in the room, Changbin laying his head on his shoulder. 

“You did it hyung,” Jisung whispered, hugging him, “PD-nim is letting us work for our debut.” 

Chan smiled, “No, we did it.” 

Chan hugged him tighter, Changbin wrapping around the two and smiling into Chan’s shoulder. 

They were going to debut, Jisung was sure of it.

Jisung ended up sharing a room with Felix, Hyunjin, and Seungmin—the three being deemed the “millennial line”. Jisung was happy with his roommates, he and Felix got along well and Hyunjin and Seungmin were funny, always making the group laugh. Jisung came to find that Seungmin cleaned a lot, a complete opposite to Jisung who left his dirty clothes everywhere and anywhere.

Seungmin was rather nice about it in the beginning, but it only got worse the longer they were in the room.

“Jisung-yah!” Seungmin scowled, pointing to Jisung’s dirty pants on the floor, “Please, clean up your mess.”

Jisung sighed, rubbing his eyes. He had been in the studio with Changbin and Chan all day and his back was aching, not to mention the throbbing of his head and back were making him antsy. 

“I will, I promise.”

Seungmin rolls his eyes but doesn’t push it. He knows better than to argue with Jisung, the fight would never end.

Jisung would clean his room, he promised Seungmin and he kept telling himself to do it, but he couldn’t find any energy to do… anything. It had been a while since he felt this way, felt like he was numb and dead inside. He took his medicine, spent a majority of his time with his members, but he still felt alone. Still felt like he was falling apart at the seams. 

He laid in his bed after spending all day at the studio, his phone in his hands but he wasn’t looking at anything. He could hear everyone in the living room, watching a movie, but Jisung stayed in bed, staring at his blank phone screen. 

“You’re such a slob, Jisung, honestly.” “Stop being lazy and help clean!” “Jisung, you rushed this part.” “You need to work on controlling your breathing.” “Stop eating so much, save some for the other members!” “Jisung!” 

“Jisung!”
He shoots out of his thoughts, Chan and Changbin smiling from the doorway.

“Felix told us you’d be here, everything okay?”

I don't want to take a rest

I have to struggle more for people who support me

Hyunjin and Jisung did not get along. There wasn’t a specific cause for the hatred between the two, they just always seemed to be at each other’s throats. Hyunjin would critique Jisung’s dancing which would lead to Jisung yelling back at him, the other members trying to separate the two before things got out of hand. Chan always kept them separated, they slept in the same room but were sent to bed at different times to avoid confrontations. Changbin stuck to Hyunjin’s side, causing Jisung to dislike Hyunjin even more.

While the two bickered countlessly, they never had any physical altercations. That was, until a few weeks before the start of their reality show. 

“Jisung, you're doing that move wrong.”

The said boy turned his head, glaring at Hyunjin and huffing out in annoyance. 

“Why don’t you worry about yourself and I’ll worry about me, ’kay?”

Hyunjin glared, “just trying to help, Chan hyung said you were struggling with the-”

“He what?” Jisung practically hissed. Chan would never throw him under the bus like that, right?

“Look, all I’m saying is that you're moving your arm wrong right there.” He lifts his arm, looking at Jisung, “See?”

“Whatever,” he gathers his things, storming out of the room and towards the room Chan is recording in. 

“Chan,” Jisung huffs, shaking the elder, “why the hell are you talking about me with Hyunjin?”

He turns to the boy, bags under his eyes prominent, as he takes his headphones off, “What?”

“Why are you talking about me with Hyunjin?”

Chan blinks, “I-what?”

Jisung feels himself getting more annoyed, “Changbin spends all his time with Hyunjin now and you’re talking about me with him?”

“Jisung-”

“What else have you told him about?” Jisung feels his throat closing up, his hands beginning to shake, “Have you told him about my depression? How I want to die? How-”

He’s cut off when Chan pulls him in for a hug, stroking his back and sniffing into his shoulder. 

“I-I’m so sorry, Sung.” His voice is scratchy, he sniffles again, “I’m sorry Bin and I haven’t been spending time with you. I didn’t even realize that we’ve been spending more time with Hyunjin.”

Jisung wipes a tear, letting Chan hold him tighter, “I love you.”

Chan freezes, hand shakily pulling Jisung away from his shoulder and resting under his chin. 

He smiles, kissing Jisung’s cheek, “love you too, Sung.”

if I'm falling into a huge puddle of mud

even i it sucks me down, I'll swim up

Life always seemed to play sick jokes on Jisung. Like when he run out of contacts on his class photo day and ended up wearing his big bulky glasses, or when he fell asleep on the bus ride home and ended up nearly an hour from his house. Especially now, as Jisung heard PD-nim announce that Minho wasn’t going to be able to debut with them. 

Everyone was crying, Chan was trying to lighten the mood only to break down and begin apologizing. “I’m sorry, I should’ve helped more.” Woojin refused to let go of him, nearly crushing him with how tight his hug was. Eventually he did let go, allowing all the members the chance to say their goodbyes before he left. Jisung was numb, it wasn’t the same with only eight.

Despite Minho’s absence, they continued to push. Felix worked more on his Korean, Hyunjin spent most of his time in the studio dancing, Woojin and Seungmin practiced vocal warm-up for their team songs, and Jeongin split his time between dancing, singing, and school. Chan was just as encouraging, even with the absence of Minho, he kept them motivated and encouraged everyone to keep going. 

“We’re going to debut, for Minho.” He announced at dinner, the eight of them all lifting their glasses in agreement.

Things looked up for them, Jisung thought. They were doing great and they were improving so much, they could only go up from here.

Of course, life plays its cruel jokes. 

“So Felix, I’m sorry. But this time, you won’t be able to continue together.”

Those words echoed through the room, silence following. The cameras and microphones were almost unbearable, everything in the room seemed to heat up and Jisung felt as though he was going to faint. This wasn’t supposed to happen, they were supposed to debut as nine and now, they’ve lost two members. 

He didn’t register Felix wrapping his arms around him, or the sobs that Changbin let out from across the room. Or how Woojin held Felix a little longer than normal, stroking his hair and crying softly into it. Jeongin and Seungmin were silent, falling to Jisung’s side as Chan said his goodbye’s to Felix. Chan cried, Felix hiccuping and sobbing into his arms as they spoke in English. It took twenty minutes for them to finally stop crying, Felix having long left the room and leaving the seven of them alone. 

There were seven. There was supposed to be nine.

They tried to move forward like they did after Minho’s elimination, but it only got harder. The night Felix was eliminated, Changbin came to sleep with Jisung. 

“Hyung?” Jisung sat up, moving to let Changbin lay beside him. Seungmin and Hyunjin were curled up with Woojin, the three having been asleep for hours. “What’s wrong?”

“I messed up today, I got yelled at.” He whispered, his voice shaky, “And I was upset, even after PD-nim..” He trailed off, taking a deep breath, “I’m still here, I’m still working to debut and I’m upset over breaking my mic pack? Felix and Minho are gone and I was upset over being yelled at.”

He started crying, his shoulders shaking as Jisung hugged him tightly, letting him cry into his chest. 

“It’s okay hyung,” Jisung whispered, rubbing his back, “you can be upset. Felix would understand, if he were here he’d be saying the same thing.”

“But he’s not here, Sung! Neither is Minho! We, we were supposed to debut as nine and now-” his breathing picked up, his shaking becoming more aggressive against Jisung. 

Jisung panicked, Changbin continuing to cry against him. 

“H-Hyung!” He called, “Channie hyung!”

Chan nearly ran into the door, opening and immediately moving towards the two of them. 

“Hey, hey,” Chan called, moving to sit Changbin in his lap, “it’s okay, we’re okay.”

Jisung sat beside Chan, the leader let go with one arm to pull him to his side as he continued to hug Changbin. He stroked Changbin’s back as he cried, Jisung burrowed his head into his chest as he felt tears start to fall down his face as well. Chan wiped away his tears with his sleeve, gently rubbing their backs as he calmed them down. 

“We’ll be okay,” he whispered, “we’re going to get through this.”

Even with bad days, good ones were soon to follow. That held true a few days after Felix’s elimination when he and Minho returned, smiling softly. PD-nim announced they were getting a second chance, a chance to prove that the nine of them should actually debut as nine as opposed to seven. Chan engulfed Felix in a hug, the older Aussie happy that his “brother” was back. Minho was talking to Woojin, giggling anytime Woojin brushed his hand against his. Jisung noticed the two were more… clingy than usual.

Skinship was nothing new to him, being a trainee and all. He was used to seeing skinship from other idols, it was only natural and a lot of time it was for fan service, but Woojin and Minho took it to a different level. He would often see them cuddling on the couch, hands intertwined, or he would walk in on them quickly pulling apart, Minho’s lips red and Woojin’s hair a mess. Jisung wasn’t against them dating, or just being close, he was just curious. 

He confronted the two a few days later. He had just finished going over his dance for the live broadcast and he had a few hours to kill before vocal lessons. He found Minho and Woojin in the cafeteria, practically on top of each other as they ate lunch. Minho gestured him over when he saw him, smiling widely.

“Sungie!” Woojin smiled, “what’s up, bud?”

Jisung shrugged, taking a bite of his lunch, “nothing, just wanted company.”

He hoped they wouldn’t notice his fidgeting or the fact that he pushed his food around more than actually eating it.

“Everything okay?” Minho questioned, eyebrows raised. 

Jisung takes a deep breath, looking up, “are you two dating?”

Woojin spits his drink everywhere, Minho choking before moving to pat Woojin’s back.

“Jisung! What the hell?” Minho hisses, but he doesn’t sound angry.

“You guys are just close all the time so I assumed…” he trails off, not wanting to say anything else.

Woojin bites his lip, “we… we’re not official, because we’re still training, but we are a thing? I guess?”

Jisung smiles, “that’s so great, I’m happy for you guys.”

Minho smiles, reaching for Woojin’s hand under the table, “thank you, Sung.”

“How-how did you… know-”

“How did I know I was gay?” Woojin asks, “I haven’t dated a girl since middle school.” He laughs, Minho squeezing his hand.

“For me, I always thought I was bisexual.” Minho states, “I mean, I don’t exactly know what my sexuality is, I just know I like Woojin. I like whoever, really.”

Jisung nods, moving back to play with his rice rather than eat it.

“Are you…?” Woojin trails off, sending Jisung a look. 

He looks up, biting his lip, “I-I don’t know. Just curious, ‘s all.”

Woojin smiles, “just know, we’ll support you. No matter what.”

Jisung nods and smiles, “thank you, hyung.”

Jisung never had “the best day of his life”. He supposes it could be him being accepted into JYP, or meeting Chan and Changbin, maybe going to Malaysia, but hearing PD-nim tell them that they would be debuting as nine, that may have been his new favorite day. This time when they cry, it’s from happiness, not sadness. There’s no one leaving, it’s the nine of them, until the end. He looks at Felix, his September twin smiling brightly and hugging Jeongin tightly. Woojin and Minho are embraced in a hug and he can see tears beginning to well up in their eyes. Chan comes up behind him, rubbing his back.

“We did it hyung,” Jisung states, smiling at all the members, “we’re debuting as nine.”

Chan hugs him, “thank you, for staying by my side.”

“Of course,” Chan rubs his hair, “I’m with you until the end.”

then I'll put my thumbs up like the Terminator

I’ll be back home

They celebrate that night, naturally, with lots of laughter and a little bit of alcohol. Normally, Chan would be against the younger kids drinking but it was a celebration. Besides, what JYP didn’t know wouldn’t kill him.

Jisung is halfway through his first drink when Changbin approaches him. He’s smiling, eyes glossed over from the alcohol. 

“Sungie,” he calls, beckoning the boy over. Jisung moves to sit beside him on the couch, Changbin’s arm wrapping around him.

“I’m proud,” he whispers, “proud of the group, proud of Chan, proud of you.”

Jisung looks at him, “me?”

“You’ve come so far. Trained for three years, dealing with so much, and learning to produce.” He takes a sip of his drink, “I’m impressed, you’re talented.”

Jisung’s cheeks are tinged red, “hyung…”

Changbin laughs and pinches his cheek, “you’re too cute~”

“Aish, I told you not to call me cute,” Jisung whined, swatting his hand away.

“But it’s true, you’re the cutest,” he kisses his cheek, Jisung instantly blushing, “so cute…”

Chan makes his way over towards them, sitting beside Jisung and pulling him into his lap, “our little Jisungie,” Chan coos.

Jisung is whining, attempting to twist away from Chan’s grasp and ignoring the coo and laughter from Changbin.

“You guys are annoying~” Jisung pouts, finally freeing himself for Chan’s death grip.

“Yeah, but you love us,” Changbin smirks.

Jisung sighs, looking at his two best friends, his soulmates, staring at him with so much love in their eyes.

“Yeah, I do…”  

Jisung moves back into the kitchen, talking with Felix, when Hyunjin approaches him. He’s wringing his hands, unable to make eye contact with Jisung.

“Sung, can-can we talk?”

Jisung bites his lip, “Yeah, we can go to our room.”

He closes the door behind them, staring at Hyunjin.

“Look,” Hyunjin starts, sighing, “I know we don’t like each other and I know we both agreed ignoring each other would be the best, but we’re about to debut. We need to start over, make a truce?”

Jisung continues staring at Jisung, his bottom lip worrying between his teeth, “I don’t even know why we started fighting in the first place if I’m being honest.”

Hyunjin smiles, “me neither.”

He holds his hand out, smiling gently at Hyunjin, “truce?”

“Truce,” Hyunjin shakes it, pulling Jisung in for a hug.

They stay in the bathroom a little longer, a silence lingering between them.

“What’s the deal with you, Chan, and Changbin?”

Jisung stares at him, eyebrows raised in confusion, “what do you mean?”

“You guys are like… weirdly close.”

Jisung feels himself panicking slightly, “we just spend a lot of time together, we’re all producers so. Also, Felix and Jeongin are close but I don’t see you confronting them.”

“Yeah but Jeongin and Felix are best friends, it’s different with you three.”

He looks up at the taller boy, “what do you know?”

“What-,” Hyunjin’s interrupted.

“Nevermind, I’m overthinking.” Jisung sputters out, hoping it stops Hyunjin from pressing even further. 

Hyunjin nods, choosing to let it slide rather than push it more. He and Jisung just reconciled, he doesn’t need another fight breaking out between them.

“We should head back out,” Hyunjin murmurs, the member’s voices echoing into the bedroom.

They walked back into the living room, the remaining members all yelling. It’s complete chaos, between the arguing and laughing. Chan pulls Jisung to his side and sits him in his lap the moment he spots the boy, Jisung offering no argument.

“What’s going on?”

“We’re playing truth or dare.”

The boy nodded, watching as Felix downs the remainder of the hot sauce in his cup with a grimace.

“Told you I could do it!” He beams, coughing like crazy.

Seungmin shakes his head, “I will never doubt you again, Lix.”

“Alright Sung, your turn.” The boy turns to Felix, “Truth or dare?”

Jisung hates truth or dare. He thinks it’s childish and he hates getting dares, his friends in Malaysia made him do stupid pranks and he always felt anxious afterward. Choosing truth was even worse, knowing his luck he’d have to confess an embarrassing secret or memory and he did not trust Seungmin with that information. 

“Truth, I guess…” He decided, hoping his would be just as stupid as Felix’s.

The boy was silent, thinking for a while.

“Do you have a crush on anyone?”

Jisung freezes on Chan’s lap, face turning a stark white before the blush takes over his ears and cheeks.

“I uh…” He bites his lip, trying his best to ignore the rising heat in his face. He thinks about Changbin and Chan, how he feels a sense of warmth anytime he’s with them or how they make him feel like he’s home anytime they hug him. He loves Chan. He loves Changbin. “I-I do…”

The room collectively gasps, giggling at the response.

“Ooh, Jisungie has a crush!” Minho teases, smirking at the boy.

“Who is it?” Jeongin questions, “You have to tell us!”

“Uh…” He hates having everyone stare at him, eight pairs of eyes all on him.

“Leave him alone,” Chan scolds, tightening his grip on the boy. He sends him a small smile, Jisung blushing and looking away.

He hopes that that’s the end of it, that everyone will forget about it and move on. They do, which Jisung is thankful for. Seungmin dares Hyunjin to do aegyo, Woojin refuses to admit any kinks of his—which Minho is thankful for, and Chan sends an ugly selfie to BamBam. Before he knows it, it’s Jisung’s turn again, the group turning to the boy with hopefulness.

“Truth or dare?”

Jisung sighs, “Dare…”

Felix smiles, eyes scrunching up, “I dare you to kiss your crush!”

Everyone is silent, staring at a grinning Felix and a panicked Jisung. 

“You don’t have to do it,” Woojin calms him with a smile, “no one is forcing you.”

Felix laughs, “if you don’t we’ll just call you a chicken.”

Jisung turns to face Chan, the leader smiling softly. He looks so beautiful, he always does. Changbin is sitting next to him, his eyes focusing on the younger boy with content.

So when Jisung moves to land a kiss on Chan’s lips before turning and doing the same to Changbin, he blames the alcohol. It’s nothing serious, just a small kiss for each of them but it makes Jisung feel warm, his heart pounding from adrenaline. 

The room is silent, Jisung instantly feeling the same heat from earlier return to his face as he looks up at eight of his friends staring him down.

“I’m sorry.”

He pushes himself off Chan’s lap and rushes into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him, sliding down it in defeat. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until a teardrop hits his hand, followed by another. He puts his hand over his mouth in an attempt to block his sobs, the last thing he needs is someone hearing and going to check on him. 

“Jisung…” 

He shakes against the door, choking back a sob as he hears Changbin and Chan call for him.

“We should talk...”

Jisung shakes his head, even though he’s fully aware that the two can’t see it, “N-no, I-I can’t…”

He hears Chan sigh, slight desperation in his voice, “Jisung, please .”

He cringes, he hates hearing how pitiful Chan sounds from the other side of the door. He pulls himself up, taking a deep breath and opening the door. Chan and Changbin push into the room, immediately moving to hug the boy.

Jisung cries into their arms, muttering apology after apology as soft hands stroke his back and neck, whispering praises to him.

“Jisung,” Chan whispers, “baby…”

Jisung sobs at the pet name, “I-I’m so sorry… I-I shouldn’t have, I should’ve-”

Changbin cuts him off, putting a finger against his lips while stroking his cheek, “it’s okay, we aren’t mad.”

Chan smiles, nodding in agreement, “I wish you would’ve said something sooner…”

“W-What?”

Changbin snorts, “we like you, doofus. We have, since that one day in the studio.”

“I remember after that conversation, when we decided to form 3racha, feeling something. I didn’t realize what it was until Changbin mentioned how he felt.”

Jisung looks up, rubbing his eyes, “b-but, I don’t wanna have to choose… I like you both.”

“You don’t have to choose,” Chan says, voice as soft as the hand stroking his thighs, “we can all be together, the three of us.”

“B-But…” 

Changbin shakes his head, “you like us, we like you, Channie and I like each other. Why not?”

“I’m scared.”

Chan hugs him, rubbing his back as Changbin lands a gentle kiss to his forehead, “don’t be scared, it’ll be okay.”

Jisung nods, crying softly as they hug him. There’s a comforting silence between them, the warmth similar to that one night in the studio. Jisung loves Chan and Changbin more than anything, he loves them with his whole heart and he’s terrified.

But he doesn’t have to be scared. As Chan said, it’ll be okay. He knows it will, and it helps to push away the fears he’s kept controlling him to begin to disappear. 

“I love you,” Jisung whispers, “both of you.”

Chan’s lips are on his, slowly and gently kissing him. His lips are soft and plump, much different from Jisung’s chapped ones. Changbin strokes his back as Chan kisses him, letting his hands rest on his hips as he kisses more passionately. He pulls away after a while, Changbin turning Jisung to face him and replacing Chan’s lips with his own. Changbin kisses just as gentle as Chan, his lips just as soft. Jisung quickly decides he likes kissing Chan and Changbin, he likes it a lot. He likes them a lot.
“C-Can we?”

Jisung whispers as Changbin pulls away, Chan stroking his cheek and leaning in to kiss him once more before nodding.

“If you’re ready.”

Jisung nods, closing his eyes, and before he knows it he’s laying in his bed, Chan laying on top of him and kissing him again as Changbin makes work of his pants.

Chan is gentle yet passionate, with his movements, relishing in Jisung’s whines and cries. Changbin is even more gentle, choosing to leave soft kisses along Jisung’s jaw and neck. 

“You’re beautiful, baby,” Jisung cries out, gripping his hand against Chan’s, “I love you.”

The three are wrapped around each other in bed, Chan’s arm flung over Jisung’s bare chest as Changbin massages his thighs.

“So,” Jisung breathes out, “What does… What does this make us?”

Chan and Changbin send each other looks, nodding.

Jisung raises his eyebrow, “W-What?”

The two kiss his cheeks, moving down to his jaw and then up to his eyebrows before moving back to his cheeks. They continue to kiss him, Jisung’s question left unanswered as they wrap around each other even tighter.

“That doesn’t,” Jisung pauses as Chan moves to kiss his lips, Changbin stroking his hair, “answer my question, you idiots.”

Chan laughs, “I thought it answered it pretty well.” He hums, stroking Jisung’s cheek.

“It means, we want to date you.” Jisung sits up, staring at Changbin, “We want it to be the three of us.”

Jisung’s heart is pounding fast in his chest, “A-Are you serious?”

Chan nods, kissing him again, “We love you, Sungie.”

“We love you so much,” Changbin kisses him this time, rubbing his cheek and smiling softly at the youngest boy.

“I-I, I love you both. So much.”

He turns to kiss the two, softly crying as he’s embraced by the ones he loves. The ones who love him. Jisung has finally found his home. His oasis.