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“Tigan, you consent?” The doctor asked. Ezri swallowed hard and nodded, tearing her gaze away from the slug in the chamber on the desk.
“I consent.”
“You understand that if the symbiont is not removed within 93 hours-”
“Joining is permanent, I know, but without a host sy’ll be dead before we reach Trill.” She couldn’t believe she was really doing this. But that was Dax in there, sy had had 8 hosts so far. Syr first host was Lela, one of the first women on the council. And Ezri might end up being host number 9. 93 hours wasn’t much time. In a few days, either Ezri Tigan would have a wild story to tell, or… well, or she wouldn’t be Ezri Tigan anymore.
She stripped her shirt and bra off, laid on the surgical table, and watched them position the sterile cloth over the opening to her pouch. Ezri took deep breaths as a nurse gave her a hypospray for pain and carefully cut an incision at the base of her pouch. She swallowed hard and clenched her hands into fists as the doctor approached with Dax. Why did she have to be awake for this? She'd expected sym to be cold and slimy, like a garden slug, but sy was warm as sy slid into her pouch, into her. She clenched her hands, her toes, her jaw as Dax moved inside her. She changed her mind, she wanted sym out, but it was too late. Dax was finding her spinal cord to do the actual Joining.
"Tigan, your vitals are too high, you need to relax." A nurse laid a hand on her shoulder. Ezri just stared at her. Relax? When she had a worm in her belly, about to connect to her brain?!
"Tigan, are you in pain?" The doctor asked, scanning her. Ezri managed to shake her head. They'd given her a hypospray for the pain. Dax shifted inside her and she jerked. "Okay, I'm going to knock you out so your body can relax and the Joining process will be easier." Ezri nodded.
Ezri woke with a headache. The doctor was there.
“The joining was successful. You should have access to all of Dax’s memories.” Ezri nodded and tried to think of something from a past life to remember. The most recent memory would be- she turned away from the Orb in surprise and was hit with red energy. Dukat. It hurt. So much. She fell to the ground, unable to move. She was in a jungle, bleeding out, cold, alone, unable to keep walking, unable to stay awake. He was in battle, bat'leth above his head, arms shaking as he tried to hold off a stronger, younger Klingon with a gleam in his eye. He was falling from a tree, hitting branches on the way down, trying to catch one, trying to protect his head. He was strapped down, watching the doctor approach with the hypospray that would knock him out so they could remove Dax and kill him. He was killing the damned official that recommended he not be joined. "Tigan. Tigan! Ezri!" He was vomiting, crying, gasping for air, shaking, drowning in memories. He was frantically trying to slow the shuttle, to fix the malfunctions, they hadn't cracked the next level of warp speed yet, and Nilani was waiting for his return. She was saying goodbye to Neema. She was saying goodbye to Jayvin Vod, driven insane or possessed, no longer her husband, but looking so much like him. She was falling from the parallel bars, from the vault, from the tramp, knowing she was going to land wrong. He was facing down Romulans, trying to do a card trick. He was pacing his quarters an hour before getting married, about to vomit (hadn't he already?) heart beating out of his chest. She was pacing outside the council chambers, about to give her first speech, hands tightly clasped behind her back. Someone was rubbing her back as she sobbed and gasped. She was laying on her side on a biobed, shaking and spasming. She was in recovery position. Her hand was covered in vomit. She had had too much ale, bloodwine, scotch, he couldn't hold his liquor. He had to stay in his weight class, couldn't afford to gain weight. He was, she was, sneaking out of bed for sweets. She was trying to follow a recipe to make a cake for her grandson's birthday, his first as a boy. She was giving birth. His wife was giving birth.
"Are you sure she should be conscious?" The doctor asked. She could barely tell what was a memory and what was happening now.
"She has eight lives worth of memories to process. It's going to be difficult and take time, especially with an unprepared emergency joining. Try to keep her stable. What's your ETA?" A voice responded.
"Four days. She's been joined 11 hours." He was on Risa, a pair of identical twins on each arm. He was being fucked by Arandis and his chest hurt. She was introducing Worf and Arandis. She was sparring Worf. He was sparring EniQ, his bat'leth instructor. He was getting kicked out of self defense class for not being able to control his temper, again. He was celebrating his daughter’s second-place award in her school’s 3D chess tournament.
After a few days Ezri stopped being insensible with all of Dax's memories. She'd have stretches of time, sometimes even hours where she acted like a normal person. But when she triggered one memory, it opened the floodgates for others and she could do nothing but stand there and try to breathe, maybe even try to put a name to the host. It was honestly a toss-up as to which name she’d respond to at any given moment, which pronouns she’d use. She was limited to her quarters, sick bay, and the mess hall. She wasn’t even allowed to use the holodeck just in case, even though all Dax hosts knew- had known, she corrected, all Dax hosts had known how to use a holodeck. She stepped out of her sonic shower and startled at the image before her. Again. She didn’t know who she was expecting to see in the mirror, but it was never herself. Tobin, Torias, Joran, and Curzon were always surprised at her breasts. Lela, Emony, and Audrid were always surprised at her youth. Jadzia was always surprised at her height. Plus Emony had darker skin than her, and not all previous hosts had had spots. Aggravated, she stalked out to her replicator.
“One standard flat sheet.”
“Ezri?”
“Who's Ezri?” She turned to find the doctor frowning at her. “Sorry, sorry!” She fumbled to cover herself with the sheet. She's Ezri, she remembered. Again. “Sorry, I- did I have an appointment that I forgot about?”
“You do. We have a lunch appointment. When you didn’t open the door I got concerned and let myself in.”
“Sorry, I was taking a low-pitched sonic shower and got lost in thought. In memories.”
“And the sheet?”
“I got tired of always being surprised by the mirror, so I was going to cover mine.” She admitted.
“Makes sense. I’ll give you a hand if you like.” The doctor smiled.
“I think I should get dressed first.” She headed to her room.
Was it weird to have lunch dates with her doctor? Jadzia did, when she returned to Trill because of her falling isoboramine levels, she'd had a pleasant lunch date with Dr. Renhol, and then they'd found out about Joran and the population of Trill that were actually suitable for joining so maybe she shouldn't keep in touch with Dr. Renhol. When did she last get in touch with Kipi, though? She should check in with her, they hadn't had lunch in ages.
"Ezri, you alright?" Someone asked. Ezri, that was an interesting name, a feminine form of Ezran. "Dax?" The person asked.
"Yes?" She replied.
"Are you almost ready to go to lunch?"
"Just a minute." She found a delightful dress in her closet, a little fancy for lunch, but life was meant to be lived. She left her room to find the doctor there.
"Oh, doctor, I didn't know you were joining Kipi and I for lunch."
"That's a very nice dress, Ezri, where did you get it?" The doctor asked. She frowned and looked down at herself. Ezri? She was Ezri, she remembered, shoulders slumping. And a fancy party dress was not appropriate for lunch at the mess hall. "Do you know who you were remembering?"
"I think Emony. I'm going to change. Wish me luck." She joked humorlessly, heading back to her room.
"Is it getting easier?" The doctor asked.
"Not really." Ezri sighed, picking at her food. She'd had to become a vegetarian, every time she ordered meat she remembered Tobin learning where it came from, and was nearly overwhelmed with sorrow, even as she tried to argue with herself that it was replicated and nothing died. "Jadzia thought of the memories like a beach." She explained, clearly visualizing the purple ocean from dozens of memories. "She's walking along the beach, and when she remembers something, it's like a wave rolls in around her feet, and she can choose to follow the memory or not."
"What about you?"
"I can barely keep my head above water for long." She rested her cheek on her fist dejectedly. "I remember teaching Raifi to swim." She grinned suddenly. "He kept getting sand in his pouch while building a sandcastle because he refused to put a shirt or proper swimsuit on, and complaining about how it itched, and I kept having to take him out into the water to clean it out while he clung to me. Liara was getting frustrated that he kept doing it, every hour or so, and that I kept enabling him by cleaning his pouch out."
"That sounds nice. Who's Raifi?" The doctor asked.
"My son. He's- how old is he now? What year is it?"
"2374."
"Of course it is." Ezri sighed. "That was Tobin."
"Does talking help?"
"It seems to." She nodded. "It helps me focus on a single memory and not let the waves pull me under. But I can feel them waiting. Like I've just dammed them up for now and pretty soon they're going to drown me again."
"Do you think talking to yourself would help?"
"At this point, it can't hurt. I've just got to remember to do it."
After not eating most of her lunch Ezri forced down a few bites of a ration bar and went to sickbay for a check up. It had been 82 Trill hours since Dax was put into her and they were definitely not getting to Trill within 12 hours. And Dax wasn't strong enough to survive outside her. The doctor wanted to walk her back to her quarters, or at least have a nurse escort her, but she assured them that she could walk to her quarters by herself.
She happened to pass Brinner in the hallway and tried to smile at him, but he ignored her. Bile rose in her throat and tears rose in her eyes as she remembered in vivid detail every romantic humiliation a Dax host ever experienced. Scores of publicly getting turned down for dates, screaming at each other while trying to get groceries or have a date, trying to do something nice and getting laughed at, trying to flirt and spilling alcohol on herself, having to be told he was being flirted at, telling her friends about her new fling and having them judge her based on his race, finally getting to the bedroom and being told his turn-ons were weird…
He didn't realize he was sobbing and gasping for breath again until someone pressed a tissue into his hand. When he could see more clearly he found himself in the ship's counseling office, with Dr. Dan'gya watching him.
"How…?" He breathed shakily.
"Ezri?"
"Uh, yeah." She nodded. She was Ezri, not Tobin.
"You were found crying and mostly unresponsive a little over five minutes ago."
"Memories." She excused. Dr. Dan'gya waited patiently until she had composed herself. "I- in the hallway I saw my boyfriend, Brinner, and he ignored me, and then all the memories from Dax just overwhelmed me." She explained to her advisor.
"I can't even imagine." Dr. Dan'gya replied softly.
"And when that happens, I lose myself. I lose Ezri in the mash of everyone else, I lose what I'm doing, I can't do anything but wait for the memories to stop. And sometimes I remember who I am but mostly I don't. Right now we're just trying to keep my vitals stable until I get to Trill, but we're not going to get there in time." She looked out the viewport.
"In time for what?"
"... Can you diagnose me with depression?"
"Ezri?" Dr. Dan'gya asked.
"Yes. I know it's against the rules to self-diagnose, but if I explain my symptoms to you, I think you'll agree."
"Are you having suicidal ideation?"
"Not enough to be worrying." She replied honestly.
"What are you experiencing?"
"If I died, I wouldn't have to deal with Dax and all these memories anymore. But I don't really want to die. I want to go back in time and explain that consent doesn't really exist when you have one Trill available for joining and a dying symbiont. What was I supposed to do, let Dax die? Lela Dax, famous politician? Emony Dax, gold medal Olympic gymnast? Curzon Dax, ambassador to Qo'noS? Jadzia Dax, co-discoverer of the first ever stable wormhole? I couldn't just let all those memories die, but I wish I could! I don't want them and soon the joining will be permanent and I'll be stuck like this for the rest of my life!" She ranted, ending with a sob. Dr. Dan'gya waited for her to calm down again.
"Is it possible to slow the joining process? Is there a hard deadline? I think you should talk to the medical staff about this, and wait on that depression diagnosis until you talk to the specialists on Trill." Dr. Dan'gya suggested. Ezri nodded.
"Thank you Dr. Dan'gya. I'm sorry I interrupted your day. I'll definitely consider what you said." Ezri replied calmly as she stood.
"Where are you headed now?"
"My quarters. I can talk to the doctor as I walk there, it will give me something to focus on."
"Okay, Ezri. Be safe."
Ezri remembered Tobin's physical symptoms of anxiety being brushed off. Sometimes medical professionals, even well-meaning ones, didn't have good advice. As though the Symbiosis Commission wouldn't try to slow her Joining if at all possible. No-one involved in this situation wanted her to be joined. Except maybe Dax. If the most recent hosts were anything to go by, if they influenced the symbiont like sy influenced them, she could definitely believe that Dax had somehow picked her life to screw up.
She had designated a padd to be for writing memories in, in the hopes that focusing on writing one down would help her not get overwhelmed, but the memories still came so fast, so many, she'd end up standing in her quarters, the hallway, the mess hall, waiting for it to stop, often multiple times while she was trying to get somewhere.
His door chimed, pulling him out of Lela's memories of fighting for change for the unjoined.
"Come in." He glanced up. "Captain!" He was in trouble, he knew it, why else would the captain be in his quarters?
"Ah, Tigan, sorry, Dax. I'm glad I caught you." The captain smiled.
"I-" He didn't know what to say. It was rude to just ask why the captain was here.
"Dax, we've noticed you've been having trouble getting places in a timely manner. It’s not too worrying since you’re off-duty, but if you like I could assign someone to escort you. Perhaps your boyfriend?"
“My boyfriend?” He didn’t have a boyfriend, or romantic partner of any gender. He had a friend who was a boy. Did people think they were in a romantic relationship? Were there rumors about them?
“Ah, yes, the doctor warned me this might happen.” The captain looked concerned. “You’re Ezri, remember? You’re an assistant counselor here on the Destiny.”
“Right, right, sorry. Sorry about that, captain.” Ezri frowned.
“That sort of thing is why I’m here. We still have about a day until we reach Trill and we’re worried about you, stopping in the middle of corridors, forgetting who you are. We don’t want to restrict you to sickbay, so I would be happy to assign someone to accompany you. Perhaps your boyfriend Finok?”
“No!” Ezri blurted. “Sorry, sorry. What I mean is, things are… rough between us right now. I don’t want to be any more of a burden, I can just stay in sick bay.”
“You’re sure?”
“Mmhmm.” Ezri nodded.
“Okay. I’ll let the doctor know. I hope you get this sorted out and feel better soon, Tigan. Sorry, Dax.” The captain left and Ezri went to get a change of clothes to spend the night in sick bay.
She opened a dresser drawer and she was preparing to stay in the hospital, by Neema’s bedside, for as long as her daughter needed her. She choked out a sob and fell onto her bed while she could. She was, he was crying into her pillow after a bad breakup. He was punching his pillow like it was his teacher’s head. He was sobbing and gasping, curled up tight on the bed, completely overwhelmed, drowning in the memories of all the heartbreak of eight lifetimes. He was at his best friend’s funeral. He was at his wife’s funeral. She was hiding under the bed with Janel and Norvo as their parents screamed at each other. She sobbed and vomited onto the bed. She couldn’t breathe. She hit her combadge.
“Medical-” She had been passed over for the Olympic team. She had just signed the papers to divorce her wife. She had had a miscarriage. She had been kicked out of the initiate program. His parents didn’t want to see or talk to him ever again. Someone touched his shoulder and he struck out instinctively. He felt a hypospray on his neck and thrashed, kicking and screaming, they couldn’t take Dax, they couldn’t kill him.
Ezri woke exhausted and confused.
“Ezri?” The doctor asked. Sickbay again. She nodded with a sigh and sat up. “If we’re using the ocean comparison, I’m assuming that was drowning?” She nodded again. “What is it when you stop walking?”
“Also drowning, this was just… worse. They’re connected to each other, the memories, they’re related. Sometimes it’s not so bad, it’s good memories, or memories without a lot of emotion. But just now, it was really bad.”
“Do you think talking about it would help?”
“I don’t know.” She pouted. “I suppose you can always knock me back out if I get like that again, right?” She tried to joke.
“I don’t want to. The Symbiosis Commission wants you conscious to process all these memories.”
“The Symbiosis Commission can suck my dick.” Her eyes widened and she clapped a hand over her mouth as she realized what she said. “Sorry, sorry! That wasn’t me! That was probably Torias. Or Curzon.”
“It’s okay, Ezri, I understand." The doctor smiled. "What connected these memories?”
“Heartbreak. Sadness, fear. I was just getting some clothes to come and stay here until we reach Trill, but I remembered packing clothes to stay in the hospital while my daughter was in a coma, and that started a whole chain reaction of bad memories.”
“I know you wanted to try talking about them or writing them down to slow them, did you remember?”
“No. I barely made it to my bed after the first one, they can’t be stopped.”
“Well, neither one of us really has any clue what we’re doing in terms of joining. So I’ll just do my best to keep you comfortable and safe until we reach Trill tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
“Dax?” She looked up from the biobed.
“Dr. Renhol, I wasn’t expecting to see you.”
“I figured that since I’m still around, a friendly face might help.”
“It definitely does. I’ve been having these hallucinations of men in masks? I know it doesn’t sound scary, but it’s pretty terrifying.” She admitted.
“That was Jadzia.” Dr. Renhol nodded. “You’re Ezri now, Dax.”
“Right. Sorry.” Ezri sighed. She was starting to feel like she should just write that on her forehead.
“Just so you know, quite a few doctors would like to talk to you. It’s been over a hundred years since the last emergency joining.”
“I was wondering if it wasn’t too late to be unjoined? I don’t know how hard of a timeline there is, we were told 93 hours, but maybe?” Ezri frowned as Dr. Renhol shook her head.
“If it had been, say, 95 hours after joining it might be worth a shot, Dax, but you’ve been fully joined for over 105 hours. At this point, your systems are completely integrated, and to remove Dax would kill you.”
“I understand.” Ezri sighed.