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“I don’t understand,” Kurt says blankly. “When did you get a pet monkey?” He’s staring at the fuzzy creature in her arms with distaste and Tina honestly hopes that he’s not thinking about turning him into a sweater. Can you even make a sweater out of monkey fur? She’ll have to Google that later.
“It’s a funny story actually,” Tina beams, stroking her new pet as everyone crowded around her in the choir room, waiting for Mr. Schue to arrive so practice could start. “So, my dad - not my stepdad - he lives in Colorado. His brother, my uncle, goes to the local community college and he found this monkey living inside the vents of the school. I think there’s more to that story, but that’s what my dad told me. And he said that no one’s really equipped to take care of him in Greendale.”
“And you are?” Mercedes mutters under her breath.
Tina continues, “So my dad was saddled with taking care of him because my uncle is incapable of taking care of himself, much less a small animal. They called him ‘Annie’s Boobs’ - some sort of weird inside joke,” she says, shrugging when everyone stares even harder at the monkey in her arms, “But when my dad asked me if I wanted to take care of a monkey for a little while, how could I say no?”
“Your mom’s not happy, is she?” Mike grins at her, probably at the memory of her mom flinching whenever she sees a dog or a cat. Her mom’s really not a fan of animals - not even domesticated ones.
“Well, my dad’s pretty convincing when he’s in his Rabbi get-up,” Tina shrugs. “So I’m taking care of Annie’s Boobs until they get him into a petting zoo or something.” She coos at her new responsibility, “Isn’t that right? I think that I need to give him a new name.”
“Why would anyone name a monkey Annie’s Boobs?” Finn asks, confused. “That’s like, a terrible name.” He reaches out to pet Tina’s monkey but Annie’s Boobs snarls at him - Finn almost knocks over Rachel in his haste to get away. “Dude, is he even safe? What if he has rabies!”
“He does not have rabies,” Mike says, before Tina could even respond. He reaches over and strokes Annie’s Boobs softly. Tina swears that her new monkey was actually nuzzling her boyfriend’s hand. “You probably just scared him with your enormous height, right buddy?”
Annie's Boobs chirps at him.
“Right,” Tina says slowly, a little bewildered. She struggles a little when Annie’s Boobs tries to get out of her grasp. Immediately, she regrets her decision to take him off his leash. “Shoot, he’s really fast. I should probably put him back on his - “
“Hey guys, I just found the a great song for us to do for Nation - is that a monkey?”
Mr. Schue stops short just when Annie’s Boobs escapes Tina’s hold and curls up on Mike’s shoulder.
“I can explain,” Tina blurts out. “It’s, um, kind of a long story.”
Annie's Boobs chirps again, his tiny fists embedded in Mike's hair. When looks up, he hisses at Mr. Schue's general direction.
—
“So, this is probably a bad time to say this - ”
“Mike,” Tina sighs, “Just say it.”
She rubs the inside of her wrist and wince slightly; earlier her new pet had tried to tear her bracelet off her arm after he spotted how shiny it was.
At least he seemed okay with his temporary nest in her room. Her mom was still not okay with the idea, but her stepdad thinks having a pet monkey is the coolest thing ever so it had been a two to one majority at home.
The compromise is that the monkey has to stay in her room at all times.
“I’m just saying, maybe you should keep the name.”
Tina’s eyebrows go up. “You expect me to keep calling him ‘Annie’s Boobs’?”
“Well, he’s already gone through a traumatic experience by moving from Greendale to Lima, maybe he should keep his name.”
“It’s not like he actually answers to that like a dog, Mike.”
“But it’s still his name," Mike insists. "It'll be stripping away his identity. Remember our unit on immigration and Ellis Island in US History?"
Tina blinks, failing to see the parallel. Laughing, she rests her head on Mike's shoulder, “You are getting awfully concerned for the monkey.”
Mike beams at her, then kisses her cheek. “What can I say? I really like animals.”
Tina stares at the large wicker basket in her room, where her new charge is currently sleeping peacefully.
She decides to compromise: “I won’t give him a new name until he seems settled in.”
"Sounds fair," Mike agrees.
—
So, having a monkey is actually not as cool as it sounds.
For one thing, they like shiny things.
More specifically, they like to steal and hoard them.
(Tina is convinced that her monkey has hidden all her jewelry and writing utensils somewhere in her room, because there is no way she has misplaced two necklaces, one ring, and five pens in a week.)
And feeding it takes a lot of effort. And cleaning after it is kind of terrible.
Also, her monkey loves her boyfriend more. Tina is convinced that her monkey loves Mike more than it loves her.
“Why are you looking at Annie’s Boobs like that?” Mike frowns at her, raising an eyebrow.
When she shakes her head, he shrugs and continues to dangle the eraser end of his pencil at her monkey while Annie’s Boobs enthusiastically reaches for it. In the process, he climbs all over her boyfriend’s body.
… She’s also starting to think that the feeling in mutual.
—
She is not jealous of a monkey.
“Hey, I saved some chicken tenders for Annie’s Boobs at lunch. Did you know that they’re his favorite? Weird, right?”
She’s not.
“Do you mind if I come over today? I was watching some YouTube videos and I think I could teach Annie’s Boobs some tricks.”
Being jealous of a monkey is ridiculous.
“Shh, no - seriously, don’t wake him. He’s fine sleeping on my lap. We can make out when he wakes up.”
It’s not the monkey’s fault that it’s being a total cockblock and her boyfriend’s apparently a Monkey Whisperer.
She is absolutely not jealous of a damn monkey.
“Tina! I got your text - what do you think about watching Planet of the Apes for our movie night? Thought it would be appropriate - my parents have a copy, but it has Chinese subtitles.”
… Except she totally is.
—
“Tee,” Mike says weakly, when she’s done, “Did you just sing Skye Sweetnam’s Number One, substituting ‘this girl’ with ‘monkey’?”
“Dude, I think I need to revoke your man card for recognizing the artist and song title,” Puck interjects helpfully.
“Shut up, my little sister loves her.” Mike is still staring accusingly at her, waiting for an answer, while Annie’s Boobs is sleeping peacefully in his lap.
Tina’s honestly not sure how the monkey could have slept through the loud guitar solo from the band, but then again, she’s also sure that her boyfriend is the Monkey Whisperer.
Okay, maybe this seemed like a better idea last night when she had been brainstorming of ways to talk to Mike about his deep emotional connection with her freaking pet monkey.
“I am so confused, is Mike dating Tina’s monkey now?” Brittany asks.
“I think I’m missing The Warblers right now,” Kurt comments, voicing dripping with disdain. His eyes are glued to his iPhone, undoubtedly texting Blaine. “Wes and Thad would have never tolerated this. I think they’re currently singing at Sunny Oaks Retirement Home right now.” He sighs.
“Tina, that was…” Mr. Schue coughs. “Actually, I’m not really sure what that was.”
“Um, let’s talk,” Mike murmurs into her ear, after she takes her seat. “After class.”
In his lap, Annie’s Boobs stirs, making a sort of cute animal sound.
Tina’s pretty sure that from a row behind her, Puck just ‘awwed’.
She wonders if it’s possible to send her biological father a “The monkey you gave me is a terrible cockblock” card.
Does Hallmark even make those?
It’s kind of oddly specific.
In any case, she’s pretty sure that if the Lima Petting Zoo doesn't get back to her by the end of the week on whether they're willing to accept Annie's Boobs as their newest attraction, she's going to give him to Kurt.
Kurt can be make some sort of exotic animal hat, coat, cape - Tina honestly does not care - out of him.
That, and if all fails, she'll try Craigslist.