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The phone sits on the table, their own faces staring at them in the little screen. The two boys sit comfortably in the couch, leaning back as the bright lights of the room hit their faces a bit harshly. The comments on the little phone screen continuously go up fast, and they can barely read two words before losing the comment in the numerous incoming ones.
Leaning forward, Beomgyu scrolls through the comments. “Beomgyu, you’re so handsome!” He reads from the screen, “Thanks!”
Soobin rolls his eyes, “You’re just saying that.”
“Even if I am, did I lie?” Beomgyu laughs, leaning back into the couch.
Shaking his head, the older boy just sighs and continues to read through the questions.
“Oh, wait.” A particular comment catches Soobin’s eye.
He scrolls up a little to find the comment and reads it aloud, “This one says, ‘you guys are so cute together’,” He laughs. “I make up for what lacks in Beomgyu’s looks.”
Beomgyu stares for at the comment for a moment, before glaring at Soobin.
He lightly hits Soobin’s chest. “You’re too mean.” He says.
Soobin just sticks out his tongue at the younger boy. When he turns away to read some comments again, Beomgyu makes a face at him.
As the two boys wait for their turn in the practice room, they pass time by interacting with the fans through the live.
When Beomgyu checks the times, a good fifteen minutes has already passed. It’s already time for their session.
“Ah, we have to get back to practice now.” He says sulkily.
“We’ll talk to you next time!” Soobin smiles at the camera.
“Bye!” Beomgyu moves his face as close as possible to the camera as he ends the live.
They sink down into the couch once the live ends, reluctant to go back to practice.
Soobin groans, “Ah, I’m too tired to go back to practice.” He sinks down further into the couch until his head is resting on Beomgyu’s lap. He adjusts his position until he’s comfortable.
The older boy feels Beomgyu’s hands run through his hair, playing with it. “Me too,”
“Maybe we can just skip.” Soobin grins.
Beomgyu hits his chest again, “Tsk. The teacher will get mad at us.”
“I know,” Soobin drags out his words and looks up at Beomgyu, seeing the younger boy also looking at him.
“Just five more minutes.” Soobin mutters as he closes his eyes. Beomgyu continues to play with his hair. The light touches make him fall asleep faster.
Time passes much quicker than Soobin had thought, because in what feels like not more than ten seconds later, the door slams open and in comes a very loud Huening Kai, waking the older boy from his short nap.
The boy pokes his head inside the room, “Hey, you’re done with the live right? The teacher’s already looking for you.”
“Yeah,” Beomgyu calls out, “We’ll be there in a moment.”
Huening Kai is already out of the room as he shouts, “Be quick!”
“Hyung, it’s time for practice.” Beomgyu doesn’t stop playing with Soobin’s hair. The older has no idea how long he’s been doing it now.
“Alright,” Soobin groans, sitting up on the couch and stretching his arms.
Beomgyu stands up and heads to the practice room, and Soobin follows suit.
The next day, Soobin chances upon Beomgyu in the lounge area, typing something out on his phone. He doesn’t notice the leader coming in the room as his head is bowed down, busy with whatever business he has on his phone.
“Hey, Gyu!” Soobin calls out, “Wanna come with me outside? I’m kinda hungry.”
Beomgyu looks up from his phone and contemplates his decision for a moment.
“Sorry, hyung. I actually have to go record right now.” He mutters and stands up, quickly leaving the lounge area.
Soobin frowns. “Huh, weird.” He mumbles. As far as he knew, recording had just finished last night. Maybe Beomgyu had to record some of his parts again.
Right in time, Taehyun comes into the room. Like usual, his headphones rest on his neck as he scrolls through his phone.
“Taehyun! Wanna come with me to the bakery?” Soobin asks.
The younger boy looks reluctant.
Soobin sticks out his bottom lip, “I’ll buy you something.”
“Sure,” The younger nods and proceeds to follow Soobin out of the room. The older of the two cheers loudly as they make their way outside.
The next day, the group doesn’t have a lot of scheduled activities. They had their dance practice in the morning, and the rest of the day was left for them to get some rest. At the moment, the clock beside Beomgyu’s bed reads 1:14. He’s lying on his bed, watching a film on his phone when Soobin joins him in the twin bed. Noticeably, the bed is too small for two grown men.
“What are you watching?” Soobin peaks at the younger’s phone and rests his head on Beomgyu’s shoulder.
Beomgyu shoots up from the bed, jostling the older from his comfortable position. “Um, I actually have to go to the bathroom right now.” He hurriedly says and jumps out of the bed.
“But the bathroom is there...” Soobin points to the other side of the room, but Beomgyu’s already too far away to hear his comment.
The boy decides to wait a bit and stays in Beomgyu’s bed, distracting himself with his phone. Thirty minutes later, the younger boy still hasn’t returned from his supposed bathroom trip.
“Well, that’s really weird...” Soobin says to himself.
The next week, the five boys continue to practice their dance routines days. They stare at their exhausted reflections in the mirror as they monitor their moves.
“Now, Soobin and Beomgyu,” The dance instructor approaches them. “In this part, you’re facing each other, right? Soobin, take Beomgyu’s right hand and...”
The older boy does as he’s told, and looks at Beomgyu. He seems to be distracted, looking at their shoes instead of Soobin, which they were instructed too.
“Beomgyu, listen.” The instructor says. The younger snaps out of his daze and looks at Soobin in the eyes.
“Right, sorry.” He mutters.
“And then you go, ta, ta, ta...” The instructor shows them the movements and the two boys follow.
As they move together, Beomgyu bumps into Soobin.
“Sorry,” He apologizes.
The instructor stops. “Are you alright, Beomgyu?”
The younger looks at him, wide eyed. “Uh, yes, I’m perfectly fine.”
“If you say so,” The instructor continues to show them the next steps for their part. Beomgyu stays much more alert than he was a moment ago, but he still avoids making eye contact with Soobin.
Really, really weird. Soobin thinks.
Later that night, Soobin and Yeonjun sit together at the lounge area, watching a drama on the TV place on the wall parallel to the couch. Yeonjun laughs loudly as the character makes a fool out of herself, but Soobin remains motionless, his mind filled with questions. Like why Beomgyu seems to be avoiding him.
When the commercials come on, Soobin lowers the volume and turns to the older boy.
“Hey, don’t you think Beomgyu has been acting a bit strange?”
Yeonjun raises his eyebrows. “Not really?” He shrugs.
“Really? I feel like he’s avoiding me.” Soobin’s shoulders droop down. “But I don’t know what I did.”
“Maybe you didn’t do anything, maybe you did.” Yeonjun shrugs, “You should talk it out with him. Maybe he has something to say.”
Soobin sighs, “Maybe.”
Maybe he should talk to Beomgyu.
At night, Soobin lies on his bed, staring at the bottom of the bunk above him. His mind wanders to Beomgyu’s recent behavior. He absolutely has no idea what he did for the younger to act that way towards him – only him. Beomgyu seems to be perfectly fine with the other members.
Was it something he said? Soobin tries to recall something – anything – but nothing comes to his mind.
He sighs, getting up from his bed to get some water in the kitchen.
When he enters the kitchen, he sees Beomgyu sitting on the kitchen aisle with his back facing Soobin.
The leader decides to confront him before Beomgyu can run away from him again.
Soobin stands on the opposite side of the aisle, facing the younger boy. “Beomgyu,” He whispers, as the other boys are already sleeping.
Beomgyu looks up, “Oh, hyung. Didn’t see you there.”
Soobin gathers up all his courage and asks, “Can we talk?”
The younger boy’s eyes go wide. “Why-?” He’s cut off by the sound of a phone ringing. He takes a glance at his own phone and sees the word mom flashed on the screen.
“That’s my mom calling – I have to take this.” He says, seemingly relieved.
Before Soobin can say anything else, Beomgyu gets up and leaves the room.
Soobin sits down on the stool that the younger was previously sitting on. He rests his head on the counter.
“When will this end?” The boy says to no one in particular.
It seems like Beomgyu doesn’t plan to acknowledge his existence any time soon. Soobin feels a heavy weight on his chest, completely clueless of what he might’ve done that would result in the younger boy avoiding him. He doesn’t know if he’s said anything that hurt Beomgyu, and the fact that the boy gave no explanation or whatsoever is making him feel worse.
As the days pass by, Beomgyu continues to avoid Soobin as much as possible. There are some circumstances that require them to interact, but Beomgyu keeps it minimal, never looking at Soobin in the eyes. In turn, the older boy becomes affected by it. His usual playful self is suddenly sullen and lethargic.
When Soobin enters the kitchen in their dorm, he hears Taehyun talking.
“You’re really dumb.” Taehyun says bluntly.
Another boy huffs. Soobin identifies him as Beomgyu. “I know, I know. I just... I don’t know how to deal with it.”
As much as Soobin wants to figure out what they’re talking about, with the possibility of grasping a clue of what might’ve happened between him and Beomgyu from this conversation, he doesn’t want to invade their privacy. He clears his throat, making his presence known. The two boys stop their conversation and look at the leader warily.
Soobin heads for the fridge and takes a water bottle out of it.
“So, right... that’s what happened.” Beomgyu says in a livelier voice as compared to his sullen one earlier. Soobin pretends to be clueless. Not that he isn’t already.
Wanting to quickly get out of the awkward situation, Soobin places the bottle back into the fridge and leaves the kitchen. He hears the two boys go back to their previous conversation as the door closes.
He misses Beomgyu. The boy didn’t go anywhere – in fact, he’s with Soobin and the three other members almost every day. Yet, it’s as if he’s a thousand miles away from Soobin.
Beomgyu’s right there, just a hair’s breadth away from Soobin, yet he seems to be unreachable. Soobin keeps on trying to reach out to him, but it’s just like trying to grasp a cloud. It’s like Soobin is on an endless chase for the moon, running around the earth for days on end, yet never coming near the bright astronomical body.
Soobin misses their late-night talks, the unhealthy food trips they take, and their movie nights when they can’t sleep. The thought of everything with Beomgyu never going back to normal makes Soobin’s heart ache.
As Soobin enters the company building, he feels the cold air conditioning hit his skin. He wipes the sweat from his late-night jog running down the sides of his face. The building isn’t bustling with people anymore, as most of the employees had already gone home. And Soobin – well, he wanted to practice the routine on his own, in preparation for their coming stages.
He makes his way to the practice room that they usually use. The lights seem to be on, but no music is playing.
Soobin pushes the door open and drops his bag on the side of the door. It isn’t until he turns around that he notices the presence of another person in the room. He stops in his tracks.
“This room is occupied. Room B is vacant.” Beomgyu says. For the first time in weeks, he’s looking at Soobin in the eye. Not at the floor like he usually did.
“Oh. Beomgyu.” Soobin lets out the breath he’s been holding.
Beomgyu takes his own bag from the corner of the room and makes his way to the door, “Or I can just move there. It’s fine. Let me just-“
Soobin steps in front of the door, stopping Beomgyu from leaving.
He mutters the three words he’s been wanting to ask again for the past few days. “Can we talk?”
“Uh, I really have to practice so...” Once again, Beomgyu avoids Soobin’s eyes.
“Beomgyu.” Soobin takes the younger boy’s wrist. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”
The boy looks at anything but Soobin’s eyes.
“Nothing’s wrong, hyung.”
Beomgyu tries to remove Soobin’s hold on his wrist, but the older boy pulls him forward. He crashes into Soobin’s body, and he feels the older boy’s arms go around his waist. Beomgyu’s arms remain unmoving on his sides.
“Please, I hate being like this.” Soobin whispers. “I miss you. I don’t know if I did anything wrong, but if I did, I hate myself so much for it. I hate that it led to you avoiding me. Please, just tell me what I did, Gyu.”
After a few moments of silence, Beomgyu’s shoulders start to shake. He slowly wraps his arms around Soobin’s shoulders. Tears start to stain Soobin’s shirt, and he hears the younger boy trying to choke his sobs.
Soobin pulls away from the hug and grasps Beomgyu’s face in his hands, “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Beomgyu shakes his head, tears dripping down his chin. “You didn’t do anything wrong, hyung. I’m just stupid. So, so, stupid.”
The older boy wipes Beomgyu’s tear-stained cheeks with his thumbs. “You’re anything but stupid, Beomgyu.”
Beomgyu continues to let his tears fall, pressing his face against Soobin’s neck. Soobin lets him.
When his sobs start to die down, he hesitantly looks up at Soobin. The older boy fixes Beomgyu’s disheveled appearance, combing through his hair with his fingers.
“I’m so sorry for making you feel that way, hyung.” He says, still hiccupping as some tears continue to escape his eyes.
Beomgyu continues, “I just – I have something to tell you.”
Soobin nods his head, encouraging the boy to continue with whatever he has to say.
Beomgyu forces down the lump in his throat. “Hyung... I think you’re amazing. You take care of the members so well, and you always make sure that we’re not having a problem with anything. And if we are, you try to stay with us through it. I love how supportive you are to us, in anything that we do. And, I think you look cute when you’re too focused on your reflection in the mirror when you’re trying to perfect a move.”
As Beomgyu rambles, he tries to muster up the courage to say what he needs to say.
Soobin looks at the boy with a confused expression, wondering where he’s leading to with all those compliments.
Beomgyu hesitantly takes Soobin’s hands from his sides and continues, “I like it when you smile when you see me, the members, having fun. And your annoyingly adorable dimples pop out. I like those too. I like how passionate you are in whatever you’re doing – you always push yourself to your limits to be the best that you can.”
He pauses, taking a deep breath before proceeding. “But more than that, I like it when you laugh with me when we watch movies at three am in the morning, crammed in that tiny bed, and we have to get coffee in the morning because we stayed up too late. I like it when you hold me whenever we go out in public, because it makes me feel safe. I like it when you fix my hair, even if it makes me extremely nervous when you’re too close to me. I like it when you listen to me vent all my frustrations, and you try to make me feel better. Even if you don’t say anything and you just hold me, I instantly feel better.”
The boy doesn’t break eye contact with Soobin – not even once. Soobin’s expression changes into something more of realization.
“This might sound awkward or even cringy, but in all honesty, you make my heart flutter every goddamn time. We’ve been friends for so many years now, and I’ve seen so many sides of you throughout that time – maybe even your worst ones – yet I still like every single part of you. Every day, I find something new from you to fall in love with. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you – my feelings continue to grow continuously with no end. I thought that it wouldn’t really be nice to have feelings for my member and best friend, and my dumbass thought that avoiding you would solve everything. But it didn’t, obviously. Even if I tried distancing myself from you, nothing changed. I still ended up liking you more and more, trying to look for you every moment of the day even if I couldn’t really look at you in the eyes.”
A small smile forms on Soobin’s face.
“Sorry for rambling – in short, I’m in love with you, Soobin hyung. Please don’t hate me.” And once again, Beomgyu breaks eye contact and looks at the floor instead.
Soobin gently lifts the younger boy’s chin with his hand, “Look at me,”
“I could never hate you, Beomgyu.” He says softly, “If you’re worried about having feelings for me, then you’re really dumb for never noticing how I act differently around you compared to the other members.”
Beomgyu looks perplexed.
“In short, I’m in love with you, too, dumbass.” Soobin rolls his eyes playfully.
The younger boy continues to give Soobin a puzzled look. “But-?”
“I know it’s not easy to hide your feelings. But when you have to do it for more than three years, it kinda becomes a routine for you.” Soobin shrugs, “It became easy for me to suppress, I guess?”
Beomgyu can barely give an answer.
“Oh.” Is all he says.
Leaning against the door behind him, Soobin crosses him arms. “Are you still not convinced that I like you? Do you want me to take my feelings back?” He raises an eyebrow at the younger boy.
Beomgyu snaps out of his confused daze. “No! I mean, uh.”
Soobin chuckles at Beomgyu’s antics.
“C’mere,” Soobin says with a smile.
The younger boy takes a step forward, and Soobin suddenly pulls him into his arms. He rests his arms around the younger’s shoulders.
Beomgyu relaxes in Soobin’s hold.
“You don’t have to be worried now. You can tell me when something’s wrong. Let’s work this out together, okay?” Soobin whispers against Beomgyu’s hair.
He feels the younger boy nod.
Beomgyu tightens his hold around Soobin, making the space between their bodies nonexistent. They stay in each other’s embrace for a while.
“We’ll work this out together.”
