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I’d finally managed to fold a shirt nicely ready to be packed when it was abruptly pulled from my grasp. Without even looking I knew who stood behind me. Nikolai. He’d been trying to persuade me not to leave since I’d first told him a month ago and it seemed he wasn’t giving up even with my departure imminent.
“I’d just got that folded,” I sighed and grabbed another shirt, not even turning to look at him. I couldn’t. If I did, the mere sight of him might convince me to stay and my heart couldn’t take that.
“(Y/N), please don’t go. You don’t have to do this.” The heat of his body engulfed me as he took a step closer, his chest brushing against my back with every breath. I squeezed my eyes shut, taking a deep breath to stop myself from getting overwhelmed by his presence.
“You know I do, Nikolai. You know I can’t stay.” Opening my eyes, I got back to folding my clothes, the process going quicker this time. From the corner of my eye I saw my stolen shirt being placed back in the pile of clothes on the bed, Nikolai’s arms wrapping around my waist a second later. He leaned his forehead against my neck, pressing a kiss to my nape as he held me tightly against him.
“But you can. Please. I can’t lose you.”
“And I can’t watch you marry her. I can’t stay here and not be with you…watch you be with someone else… I can’t do it, Nikolai…I just can’t.” Tears welled in my eyes and I paused my folding as I willed them not to fall. I didn’t want to cry. It would only make it worse.
“We can still be together…Kings have done worse.” Even he didn’t sound convinced and i couldn’t help the bubble of laughter that spilled from my lips at the pathetic attempt.
“You’re not that kind of King. You’re not that kind of person…And neither am I.”
“I know,” he sighed, arms tightening almost imperceptibly. “I hate this.”
“It’ll be okay. You’ll be okay, I know you will.” I doubted I would be though. I picked up another shirt to give my hands something to do, finally losing the battle to hold back the tears.
“Will you though?” He knew the answer but I wouldn’t confirm it for him. Instead I moved the conversation back to him.
“You’ll do your best to love her and you’ll forget about me. Maybe one day you really will love her and you can finally be happy.”
“You’re wrong.” I could feel the sudden tension in him as he spun me around to face him, his hands gripping my waist tighter than I think he intended. Foreheads pressed together, I could see the strain as he spoke. “If you think I’ll ‘finally’ be happy when you’re not here, you’re wrong. (Y/N), I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been since I met you and I could never, ever, forget about you.”
“Me too. But I have to leave and I can’t do that until I know you’ll be okay. That you’ll be happy.”
“And what if I say I won’t? Will you stay?”
“Nikolai please…” He was making it so difficult.
“It was worth a shot.” He tried to shoot me his signature smirk but it wasn’t convincing and it dropped from his face pretty quickly. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t want to either but it’s what’s best for us both. I know you know that, you just don’t want to admit it.”
“You need to stop being right all the time.” He paused, taking a deep breath as if to prepare himself. “…I’ll be alright. If leaving is the only way you can be happy I won’t stop you. Your happiness is all that matters to me."
Maybe that was an exaggeration but I understood how he felt. He tilted his head and brought our lips together, kissing me for the last time. And if it was to be the last time, I would make it count.
It was soft and gentle. A goodbye, an "I’ll miss you”, an apology, an “I love you”, a promise and an assurance that what we’d had was real and important. That, though it hurt now, we’d be alright.
A thousand things were said with that kiss. It was everything we’d shared, everything we’d felt, everything we’d never get a chance to say again. Every moment, every word, every touch shared through the movement of our lips.
My hands shook as they settled against his cheeks, tracing the lines of his face for the last time. I tasted the salt of tears on my lips as I poured my heart out in that fleeting eternity. My tears, his or a mixture of the two, I wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter. I just didn’t want it to end.
But it had to.
I pulled away just far enough to breathe, clinging to him, unwilling to let go of the moment.
“I love you Nikolai. I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” I whispered into the space between us, the gap feeling larger every second - An insurmountable distance I’d never be able to cross again.
“I love you too.” His voice cracked as he whispered it back and pulled me into a hug. The comfort of the familiar embrace was something I’d miss for the rest of my life but it was the only thing that could give me the strength to pull away.
I wiped away my tears as I stepped back, brushing a stray one from Nikolai’s cheek and letting my hand linger there. A stillness settled over us as I took my final look at him. I wouldn’t leave until the morning but it would be the last time I saw him. One painful goodbye was enough.
“I hope you can be happy someday.”
“You too. Whatever you do, wherever you go, just be happy. That’s all I’ll ask of you.”
“And that’s all I’ll ask of you too.” I couldn’t resist one last time and leaned in to kiss his cheek before gently pushing him towards the door. “Goodbye Nikolai.”
“Goodbye (Y/N).” He hesitated for a moment longer before finally turning to leave, taking my heart with him. I didn’t know if I could keep my promise to be happy. But I did know that I wouldn’t stop loving him, not for a long time, maybe not ever. A small part of me hoped he’d keep loving me too but more than anything I hoped he could be happy again, even if I couldn’t.