Work Text:
Chan shoots upright, his breathing ragged as he tries to remember where he is.
He’s in their dorm, tucked into Minho’s bed safe and sound. He forces his breathing to slow down as he listens to his members messing around and laughing outside the room, ‘again?’ he asks himself as he wipes the cold sweat from his temple, ignoring the way his hand trembles. After a final shaky exhale, he reaches for his phone resting underneath the pillow, squinting as the brightness of the screen blinds him momentarily. The time reads 9:45 am. He sighs and flops back onto the bed, seeing no point in going back to sleep now, not that he thinks he could after the terrifyingly vivid dream he’d just woken from, the memories of it still circling around the back of his mind, he shuts them out, pushing it away for future Chan to worry about.
Chan’s eyes flick over to the door as it’s clumsily pushed open with a foot, he watches with vague amusement as a fluffy-haired Seungmin shuffles into the room, struggling to push the thick-rimmed glasses up his nose, his eyes widen with surprise when he notices that Chan’s awake and staring at him. He walks over and pushes a large mug of strong black coffee into his hands, a gentle smile playing at his lips, Chan thanks him with a kiss, smirking as the younger's cheeks light up a soft pink.
“Shut up hyung,” Seungmin pouts as he turns away to leave the room when Chan laugh’s and mumbles a soft, “you're so cute,”
Just like that he’s gone, leaving Chan with a warmth in his heart and coffee in his hands. He needs the coffee just as much as he needed the kiss from Seungmin, the reassurance that he’s okay, that his members are safe, that they aren't still stuck somewhere deep within the horrors of his own subconscious. Chan lets himself bask in the rare quiet as he drinks his coffee, feeling the caffeine run through his veins. He jumps and almost spills his coffee, when he sees Changbin leaning against the doorway watching him silently.
“So tell me, love, what time did you get home last night?” he asks, the same as every morning, his eyebrows raised in suspicion.
“I’m fine,” Chan responds as he finishes the last of his coffee.
“That’s good to know, but it wasn't the answer to my question, angel,” Changbin sighs and rolls his eyes softly as he pushes himself away from the door frame to sit on his bed in front of Chan, reaching out and placing a hand on his knee. Changbin knows all of Chan’s tricks to hide how much he’s been overworking himself.
Before Chan can give an answer a third voice appears from the doorway, “you’ll be pleased to know that it wasn't that late, he crashed onto my bed at around 3am,” Minho tells them as he enters the room, leaning over to press multiple kisses to Chan’s lips, stealing the empty mug from his hands in the process.
Changbin hums in approval, admiring Minho as he walks out of the room again, disappearing towards the maknae’s room, probably to save Jeongin, if his shouts of pain and the others laughing was anything to go by.
“You need to get up,” Changbin tells him as he hauls himself up from the bed, smiling softly as Chan’s heart shaped lips immediately form a pout, “okay, okay fine,” he relents a few moments later, “10 more minutes and then I better hear you in the shower, got it?”
“I love you,” Chan sings, happy that he can bend Changbin’s will and get his own way.
Changbin scoffs and runs his hands through Chan’s messy bed head, “I love you too,” he says softly as he leans down to capture Chan’s chapped lips in a gentle kiss, pulling away and leaving the room. Chan watches him go before pulling his phone out from under the pillow and opens the dream app on his phone, sighing heavily as he notes last night's dream as one of horror. He then switches onto their shared Instagram account and begins to read through some messages their Stay’s have left for him to read, deliberately skipping over the ones talking about how tired he looks recently.
By the time his 10 extra minutes were up, he was being squished by Felix’s small body. He’d come sprinting in, socked feet sliding on the wooden floor as he ran away from one of Jisung and Jeongin’s wicked games, before quickly settling down on top of Chan’s chest stealing his warmth. The two lay together, scrolling through social media a while longer, Chan’s other hand found its way into Felix’s soft hair, stroking idly as they simply enjoyed each other's company. Chan huffs a laugh when his phone pings, revealing a message from Changbin asking if he was up yet: ‘it's been 10 minutes, I don't hear the shower running.’
Felix whines, snuggling closer into Chan’s chest, begging him not to go just yet.
“We’ll be late, Lix, let me go,”
“But you’re so warm~” Felix cries, clinging tighter as Chan attempts to sit up.
“Come on, the shower will be just as warm,” he tells him softly, pressing kisses to his forehead and then one to his lips. Felix giggles and relents, letting Chan drag him towards the bathroom.
“I'm so bored,” Jisung whines as he flops across Chan’s lap on the sofa in 3racha’s studio, Chan ignores him and continues to mess around with lyrics and melodies on his laptop, earning an amused huff of laughter from Changbin, who’s sitting in the corner of the room, spinning his pen between his fingers.
It had been a long day, long but productive. Changbin had recorded a demo version of their newest intro song, Jisung had written at least 2 and a half songs worth of lyrics and Chan had finally finished off a song he’d been working on for what felt like forever. It felt good to finally get it done but he still cringes at the long list of half-finished songs saved in his drafts that mock him.
“What’d you think of this, hyung?” Changbin asks, reaching over the coffee table to hand him a messily scribbled-on piece of paper filled with lyrics in Changbin’s barely-legible handwriting, “I was thinking for the next song concept to be based on nightmares and just dreams in general,”
Jisung perks up from his place on Chan’s lap, moving to read over his shoulder, “that would be cool, we could do two tracks, one for nightmares and one for dreams!”
Chan hums absentmindedly as he reads through the lyrics, trying to ignore the way his heartbeat quickens and his ears begin to prickle with heat. He swallows thickly once he’s finished and looks up and meets Changbin’s eyes, eager for praise, he smiles and nods, “I think you’ve got something here,” he tells him.
In truth, Changbin had outdone himself, the lyrics were beautiful, sharp and angry, they’d be perfectly paired with a soft melody, they portrayed everything that Chan felt swirling around his mind whenever he thought back to his own nightmares, but he wasn't about to tell Changbin any of that, he knew that it would raise too many unwanted questions that he really didn't want to answer, “the lyrics are really nice,” he says instead.
“Ah, thank you, hyung,” Changbin smiles shyly, the tips of his ears shining red.
“Let’s put them into the next album!” Jisung announces one he’d finished analysing the lyrics himself.
“You know we can't just decide that,” Changbin says with an eye roll, pleased at how they’d reacted to his lyrics, “I was thinking we could do opposite melodies for each song, like angry and loud for the song about dreams,”
“-and soft and melodic for the one about nightmares,” Jisung finishes, bouncing up and down with excitement.
“I was thinking the same,” Chan nods and smiles at the two, excitement bubbling in his chest despite his slight apprehension, “do you mind if I start mixing the songs now?”
“Go ahead hyung, but don't stay up too late working on it like you always do,” Changbin says with a knowing smile on his lips.
“I can't promise you that,” Chan banters along, turning back to his laptop with a newfound enthusiasm.
Silence lapses over the three as they work, only interrupting the busy quiet to compare melodies or to swap lyrics and ideas.
It got late far too quickly, Chan watches as Changbin leads a sleepy Jisung out of the studio to drag the dance line home, knowing from experience that they’d stay there until sunrise if they’re left uninterrupted, especially Hyunjin, “see you later hyung, promise you’ll come home soon?” Jisung mumbles sleepily, sweater paws reaching up to rub at his tired eyes, “I don't like it when you work so late,”
“I know Sungie, I’ll be okay,” he promises, looking up to nod at Changbin in a soft silent goodbye, the glint in Changbin’s eyes telling him to take care of himself as he wraps a gentle arm around Jisung’s small waist, leading him out of the studio.
Just like that the studio lapses into silence again, though this time it’s lonely, Chan should be used to by now. Chan shakes off the strange isolated feeling that's building in his chest as he picks up his laptop again, sitting it in his lap and continues playing around with melodies for their new idea.
Chan likes the idea of the two songs, it’s new and different, something they’ve not done before but something he’s always wanted to try, Chan pauses for a moment as remembers the lyrics on the scrappy piece of paper Changbin had handed to him, a chill running down his spine as he recalls a certain part:
“Once you wake up, it’ll all go away,
They chase after me even in my dreams,
But it’ll all be forgotten.
I try to forget but it comes back again,
I don’t wanna be caught up in this anymore.
I try rolling up the blankets, I try screaming.
But in the end, I get up again.”
Chan exhales a heavy sigh as he compares Changbin’s lyrics to his own nightmares, his own horrors that plagued him almost constantly. How had Changbin been able to describe it so accurately? Sure, the boy always had a way with words but this was something more than that. Chan knew these lyrics had to have come from experience.
He’s not sure when he’d started to shake but he ignores it, moving over to their small cheap coffee machine to make himself the strongest espresso that he could, without using up all the capsules, not wanting to be the one to buy replacements for the 2nd time this month.
It’s going to be a long night, Chan knows that sleep won't come tonight, as he’s still not quite ready to face whatever horrors would inevitably pounce on him as soon as his head hits the pillow. He feels a pang of guilt hit his stomach as he thinks back to the promise he’d made to Jisung, he sighs and shakes his head as he pulls the mug away from the machine. At this point, breaking a promise to Jisung is only slightly less painful than having to face those recurring nightmares, so Chan sits back down on the couch, fresh espresso on the table beside him as he resumes his work.
He’s running, he doesn’t know where, but he knows that he has to run. It’s always the same. The sound of screams, his members screams ringing his ears as his legs begin to tire. He can hear Jeongin and Hyunjin crying and screaming for him to help, to hurry up, to arrive where he’s supposed to go. But he doesn’t know where he’s going, or how to get there. His heart hammers in his chest as he continues to run, desperate to reach his members. Desperate to protect them like he’s always promised. His legs suddenly give out and he crashes onto the jagged ground, his arms grazing and burning as warm blood trickles down his legs as they slowly turn numb. He curses himself, he can’t stop now, his members need him, their screaming gets louder only emphasising how much they needed him now.
From a little way in front of him, he sees Felix and Minho suddenly materialise, they’re soaked in blood, sobbing and shaking their heads in desperation as something he can’t see appeares before them, Felix’s hands tremble violently where they’re clasped tightly in Minho’s, who’s desperately trying to shield the younger behind himself. Chan feels his heart break at the gesture, it’s always Minho shouldering the others' pain, always protecting them as best he can despite his own burdens. Guilt floods over Chan as he’s reminded that it should be him protecting them, he needs to protect them all, he can't leave them to suffer like this.
Chan’s heart stops as Minho’s petrified eyes meet his own. He shakes his head with a wobbly smile on his face, “you didn't get here in time, Hyung,” he says, voice strained by a mix of terror and barely restrained sobs. The next thing Chan knows, he’s gone and Felix’s screaming, begging for Minho to come back, horror painted clear on his pale face. Chan fought for his body to move, to reach out and run to Felix, to find the other members and keep them safe, he’s already lost Minho but his limbs refused to move, he’s paralysed.
The rest of the members suddenly appear behind Felix, they look sick; pale with fear, bruised faces and bloodstains on their shirts. Chan shakes his head as he starts to scream out to them, but no sound comes out as one by one each of his precious members are taken from him. The last to go is Felix, he smiles at Chan as he screams desperately for Felix to stay as he watches the last few seconds of his precious Australian brother disappear into thin air, out of Chan’s reach. Chan can only scream harder and cry for all that he’s lost, his body still unable to move.
Then he feels it, whatever the others had seen before they disappeared, it’s behind him, he can feel its breath on the back of his neck. He shudders and spares a glance behind him, his heart freezing in fear as it looms over him. Chan’s body begins to spasm, he knows this feeling, it comes at the end of every nightmare. He can’t just go, he can’t leave his members behind, he couldn't, he’s promised that he’ll keep every single one of them safe. He looks around desperately his lungs burning as he screams and thrashes around on the blood stained floor as he’s shrouded in darkness.
Chan leaps up from the couch, throat sore from the way he’s screaming as hot tears pour down his face, his body trembling violently. He collapses to the floor beside the couch desperately trying to catch his breath as he sobs.
“It's not real, it's not real, they’re okay, I'm okay. It was a dream, it wasn't real, they’re safe, they’re safe, they’re safe...” he desperately tells himself on repeat until he starts to believe it, the same way he’s always done ever since the nightmares first occurred when he was a child.
He slowly feels his pulse quieten down, the racing of his heart returning to a somewhat steady pace, his hands are still shaking but he can control them slightly better now. He focuses on the ugly artwork hung on the grey walls of the studio, the ones that Jisung insisted on putting up, saying that they would spark creativity but did the very opposite. His heart pulls painfully when he thinks of Jisung and Changbin, he wants them right now, he needs all his members right now.
He spares a glance at his phone sitting on the coffee table in front of him as it suddenly lights up, illuminating the room with a message. He gets up from the floor, shakily seating himself back onto the couch as he reaches for his phone, smiling a little as he reads the two new messages, the first from Jisung, left over an hour ago, wishing him goodnight and telling him to come home soon. Chan feels his heart pull at the message, he wants so desperately to be at home right now, wrapped up safe in the arms of his members. The second is from Minho, left only moments ago, telling him that everyone’s in bed and asking if he wants him to wait up for him.
Chan feels the tears slip down his cheeks before he can stop them, he considers calling for Minho to come and walk him home but he shoos the thought away. He would walk home once he’s calmed himself down and finished working on these new melodies. He doesn’t want to burden Minho or any of the others with this, with his stupid sleep problems, he’s not 5 years old anymore, he should be able to handle this himself.
Chan sighs as he sends a reply to Minho, telling him not to wait up, promising that he'd be home soon. He throws his phone to the end of the couch and places his head in his hands, ignoring the way his left leg bounces anxiously. This is bad, he knows it’s bad. He hasn’t had a nightmare like that in a long time, it's been years since he's woken up screaming. Chan sighs heavily as he desperately tries to forget the remnants of the dream that are seemingly burnt behind his eyelids, the screams of his members still ringing in his ears as they send chills shooting down his spine like lightning bolts.
He’s exhausted, the screen of his laptop blurring in front of him as he wants nothing more than to be asleep curled up with one of the boys waiting for him at home. As exhausted as he feels, the mere thought of sleeping makes Chan feel sick to his stomach as the memories of his dream immediately flood back, threatening to overwhelm him all over again.
He arrives back at the dorm just as the sun’s rising over the cityscape of Seoul, the orange morning light starting to leak into their living room. As soon as his shoes are off he heads towards Changbin and Felix’s room, smiling fondly as he sees that only the lower bunks are being used, Hyunjin’s there too, clinging onto Felix’s body as blankets curl around the two. Chan bends down and gently brushes Hyunjin’s silky hair away from his eyes before pressing a soft kiss to his cheek, doing the same for Changbin, and Felix.
Chan quietly leaves the room, feeling himself relax slightly knowing that his members are safe and sound, protecting each other. He heads to Jisung and Jeongin’s room next and forces himself not to panic when he sees the two beds empty, no sign of the two boys anywhere in the room.
He forces his legs to move into the next bedroom; his bedroom, cursing as he kicks at Seungmin’s old school bag lying around on the floor as it makes an obnoxiously loud clattering sound. He heaves a sigh of relief as no one in the room stirrs. His heart melts at the view that greets him, Jeongin’s snuggled up against Minho, who has an arm safely wrapped around his waist as he snores lightly, his lips parted in the way that Chan loves. He looks over to the other side of the room where Seungmin and Jisung are curled around each other like kittens. Chan finds himself smiling as he listens to whatever Jisung’s mumbling about in his sleep, probably his rap lyrics. He bends down and gives each of them a soft kiss, but stops when he reaches Minho, his heart-squeezing guiltily as images from his nightmare flood back to his mind, overwhelming him momentarily as he forces himself to calm down.
“You’re safe here, I promise. I'm so sorry, Min,” he whispers quietly into the soft mousy coloured hair, leaving a kiss there before moving away, letting the others continue to sleep peacefully.
Chan stifles a yawn as he flicks on the coffee machine on a while later, listening as the TV plays softly in the background, broadcasting some old rerun of a sitcom he used to love as a child, one that he always used to watch with his mum when he awoke from nightmares and refused to go back to sleep. Chan shook away the memory, grabbing his freshly made cup of coffee and almost dropping it when he hears a voice behind him.
“Someone’s up early,” Felix hums, a knowing look in his eyes.
“I, yeah,” Chan says, “want coffee?”
“yeah please,” Felix replies as he walks over and wraps his arms around Chan’s middle, his chin resting on top of Chan’s shoulders, “I didn't mean to scare you that much, I’m sorry,”
“You didn't, it's fine,” Chan hums in response as he fumbles with the coffee machine.
“but your heart's beating really fast,” Felix tells him, listening as it only increases making no moves to slow down.
Chan laughs awkwardly and hands him the freshly made coffee, the younger thanks him softly and they lapse into a comfortable silence. It’s safe and familiar, something that Chan desperately needs as he finds himself relaxing further into Felix’s embrace. Chan knows that Felix knows that something’s wrong but he’s thankful that he hasn’t asked. Felix knows that Chan will come to him with his problems when he’s ready, forcing a problem out of Chan is the worst thing to do, he’d quickly learnt that one the hard way.
One by one the rest of the members begin to wake up and sleepily shuffle into the kitchen, wishing them ‘good mornings’ in their usual way, he gets kisses and sleepy cuddles from some and from others, namely Changbin he gets a half-hearted grunt. The noise in the kitchen soothes Chan, the familiarity of all 8 of them together, safe as they happily tuck into whatever breakfast things they have stored in the cupboards.
Mornings in the dorm are beyond hectic, their manager arrives and promptly walks out again, telling them that he’d wait in the car, mumbling something about how he was ‘too old to be dealing with such children’. Chan smiles into his third mug of coffee as he watches Jeongin laughing evilly as he bids their Manager goodbye.
Eventually, the 8 of them are rounded up and forced into the car on their way to whatever schedule that’s been planned for today. If Chan’s being completely honest he can’t remember what they’re doing today and just hopes that the other members would remind him before they arrive at the venue.
He startles and looks over as he feels someone pull his head onto a warm and strong shoulder, a firm “sleep,” is mumbled into his hair, the voice low and soft, “it's a long drive, I’ll wake you before we get there,” Changbin promises, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head and Chan feels his body melt a little, he knows that he won’t sleep, he won’t let himself but the quiet atmosphere and soft shoulder to rest on was enough for him to recharge at least a little bit.
Chan’s truly exhausted. He’s back in the studio, the four walls almost suffocating him as the glow from his laptop illuminates the room and his untouched work is staring back at him almost mocking him.
It’d been a long day, for all of them, the recordings for a radio station had gone on much longer than they had planned, that paired with a variety show filming meant that the members were all dead on their feet by the time they’d arrived back at the dorm. Chan wasted no time in wishing them all goodnight before slipping away hopefully unnoticed to the studio, not minding the 15-minute walk, it was refreshing, the cold winter air keeping him awake and away from his thoughts.
Chan runs his hands over his face attempting to refocus on the screen in front of him as he reaches out for the can of energy drink beside him, he thinks he could cry from frustration as he finds the can empty. He has no plans on sleeping tonight, still traumatised by the night before; the images of his members covered in their own blood and disappearing before his eyes still haunting him and replaying in his mind whenever he found himself drifting off or starting to lose focus, “its close to torture,” Chan thinks spitefully as he aims the can towards the trash bin in the corner of the studio.
Chan doesn’t know what time it is; he doesn’t care to know. All he knows is that he’s been in the studio for a long time and he’s made very little progress, again. The studio door suddenly swings open, crashing loudly into the wall behind the door. Chan to startles so violently he almost falls out of his swivel chair, the dim lighting in the corridor reveals a sheepish looking Hyunjin and a thoroughly pissed looking Minho, who storms into the studio and wastes no time as he starts gathering up all of Chan’s things.
“What the hell are you two doing here? You should be asleep!” Chan utters, struggling to process what’s going on as he watches Minho fight with the zips on his backpack.
“And so should you, hyung,” Minho responds, his voice flat, poorly masking his frustration.
“But, why are you here? I left you all at home,” Chan says, confusion only increasing as Minho shoots a glare to Hyunjin.
“Should I tell him or should you?” Minho asks the younger, who just looks down to the floor in shame as he pulls his grey hoodie over his hands.
“I- I couldn’t get to sleep, so I came to the practice room,” Hyunjin mumbles, his cheeks and ears turning red.
Chan sighs as he his shakes head, eyeing the way Minho nods to Chan confirming his worries and Chan sighs again, “Hyunjinnie, we’ve talked about this, baby,”
“I know,” he says sadly, his tired eyes filling with tears, “‘m sorry, hyungs,”
Minho hums seemingly satisfied with the apology and moves over towards Chan’s desk, leaning over his shoulder and gently moving his hands away from the mouse pad and replacing them with his own, Chan watches as the mouse moves on the screen in front of him. Minho saves the document twice, aware of Chan’s strange need to save everything more than once, before closing the laptop down and stuffing into his backpack along with all his other things.
Chan feels a tap on his shoulder and looks over to see Hyunjin holding out a huge black hoodie for him to take. Chan does and thanks him with a smile and a small gentle squeeze of his hand.
“Ready to go?” Minho asks, once Chan finishes pulling on Hyunjin’s spare jumper, smiling amusedly as it hangs from his frame, it’s big on Hyunjin so it’s massive on Chan, especially given his recent weight loss that he’s hoping no one else has noticed. Minho doesn’t hesitate to tell him how cute he thinks he looks swamped in Hyunjin’s hoodie.
“Are you trying to kidnap me or something?” he laughs a little as he moves to stand from his desk chair, but stops very quickly as he feels his head start pounding, a dizzy feeling taking over his senses before fading away.
Minho and Hyunjin notice his discomfort and decide not to answer, instead, they just take his hands in theirs and pull him out of the company building and into the cool air of dawn.
When they arrive back into the soft warmth of the dorm, Minho wastes no time in putting Hyunjin to bed first, he strictly orders for Chan to stay put and not move until he gets back, Chan doesn't know what makes him stay put and obey Minho, maybe it’s the exhaustion, but he stays where he is waiting patiently for him to come back.
Minho returns a few moments later a little red in the face and his hair almost comically disheveled, Chan smirks as he guesses what had happened. Minho takes Chan’s hand softly in his own and leads him towards their bedroom, gently pushing him down to lay next to Hyunjin, who immediately shifts and clings to him with surprising strength given how exhausted he is.
Minho smiles warmly at the sight of Chan whispering something soft to Hyunjin as he presses two or three kisses across the sleepy boy's face. Chan then turns to Minho and returns the smile as Minho kisses him on the lips, it’s soft and warm; something that Chan revels in, the feeling of safety finally returning if only for a moment.
“Get some sleep, hyung, you need it,” Minho mumbles against his lips, “we’re worried about you,”
“I know, I’m sorry,” Chan whispers, pouting sadly as Minho pulls away and climbs into his own bed, settling down and falling asleep almost immediately.
Chan lets his mind wander as he stares up at the wooden slats of the bunk above him, gently carding through Hyunjin’s hair, pulling at the small knots tangled in it and mumbling soft reassurances to the boy whenever he starts to whimper and flinch in his sleep. He lets himself bask in the soft warmth, he feels safe and cared for, but sleep still won’t come. Chan feels the frustration vibrate in his chest as he holds back a sob, he’s beyond exhausted and knows that he’ll be watching the sunrise one again.
He watches one of the people most precious to him sleep peacefully, unable to stop himself from feeling a little jealous as he wonders, how he’d let it get this bad again. Chan sighs as he pulls Hyunjin closer to him, smiling softly as Hyunjin wakes up briefly, mumbling a soft “Hyung,” before falling back asleep. Chan’s too exhausted to even think anymore and so just admires Hyunjin’s pretty features as his found family sleep peacefully around him.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Jeongin asks worriedly as he bends down to retie his shoelaces, his already large eyes wide with concern.
“Of course, baby,” Chan dismisses smiling as he watches Jeongin jump back up and run over to join the other members in tormenting Minho.
In truth, Chan’s not okay, he’s far from it. It’s been over 3 days since he’d last slept, his mind plagued by nightmares each time he even thought about closing his eyes. He can’t remember the last time that he ate anything substantial that wasn't just energy drinks or unhealthy snacks. His body sways as he stands in the corner of the room trying to maintain the illusion that he was okay as he watches his other members happily mess around the dance studio.
His head’s spinning, more intensely than it had been last night; his ears ringing almost painfully and he can’t quite make out where the floor ends and the walls begin, or who’s shouting for his attention is it Seungmin or is it Changbin? He doesn’t know, nor does he have the energy to care as he sags heavily against the practice room mirror.
Their practice has only just started and Chan already feels himself reaching his limit, his body ready to give out and collapse from underneath him at any moment. His mind immediately switches back to his nightmares, fear piercing his heart painfully as he notices the similarities. His limbs ache but he refuses to let his body give out as it did back then in the realms of his subconscious when the screams of his members surrounded him. The least he could do is to make it to the end of the second hour and just skip out on the last few songs, he knows it’s dangerous and if he caught any of the other members being this reckless he’d demand they go home immediately but he can’t find it in himself to care. He’s exhausted, barely able to control his movements and already missing several easy dance steps as a result.
“You sure you’re okay hyung? You don't look well at all,” Chan turns to see Seungmin standing next to him, soothing is warm hands over Chan’s stiff shoulders, “you know that it's okay if you don’t dance today, it's only a practice,”
“I said I’m fine,” Chan says, not really meaning to snap, “just a headache, I’m probably just dehydrated, that’s all,” he says as he pulls out of the youngers hold and excuses himself to walk on unstable legs over to the other side of the room, picking up his water bottle, ignoring the black spots in his vision as he bends down. Seungmin watches him closely, his eyebrows furrowing at their leaders sluggish and unbalanced movements.
“He’s not okay, he didn't come home last night,” Changbin tells him, reaching up to lean his sharp chin on Seungmin’s shoulder, who nods his head and offers a hum in agreement knowing there’s nothing either of them can do, except keep a close eye on him. They both know better than anyone how stubborn Chan is, getting him to take even a small break would be almost impossible and convincing him to just skip the dance practice would be even harder ...
Minho calls everyone back to start dancing again, Seungmin and Changbin sharing one last worried glance at Chan and each other before moving into their starting positions for ‘Levanter’.
Dance practice continues as normal, the members keeping a close eye on Chan, worry clear on everyone’s faces as Chan keeps falling behind, all of his usual enthusiasm gone, leaving nothing but an almost lifeless soul in its place.
The song’s almost over and Chan’s body’s screaming for him to stop, his head’s pounding, he’s exhausted and he knows it but refuses to stop until the music ends. He’s panting, heartbeat heavy in his head as he feels himself working on autopilot.
When Chan zones back in, he realises that ‘Get Cool’s playing, his body moving on its own muscle memory. Chan curses himself, he’s their leader, he should be paying attention, he can’t slack off like this no matter how tired he felt, not with the group’s reputation resting on his shoulders. They’re only half way through the overly-energetic dance before Chan feels something in his body suddenly start to feel very wrong, he’s crouching as Minho dances to his part. He feels sick and cold, his body starting to violently shake. Chan feels himself start to panic as he realises that everything around him is fading, he can't hear the music anymore, the lights in the studio blinding him. It’s just like when his nightmares end, that same feeling of dread washes over him as when he had to leave his loved ones behind in the torture of his subconscious. He can't control his body anymore, his movements no longer his own, his hands shaking as he vaguely registers himself swaying and someone calling out his name over the ringing in his ears, before everything suddenly goes black…
“Hyung! Oh my god, Chan-Hyung!” Minho cries as he lurches forward in an attempt to catch Chan as he collapses to the floor in front of him, his body limp, skin pale and breathing laboured.
The music cuts out immediately and Minho watches frozen in place as Changbin rushes to his side, Jisung close behind him frantically calling for their leader but gets held back by Hyunjin. Minho’s head snaps to the left as he hears a choked sob, someones crying, Felix’s shaking hands are clasped in Jeongin’s, their bodies huddled close as they refuse to look away from what’s going on in front of them.
“Chan, come on, wake up darling,” Minho’s voice trembles slightly, “Binnie, can you lift his legs?”
No time is wasted as Changbin stumbles to stand up and gently lifts up Chan’s legs, he remembers reading somewhere that this helps as he tries to stop his hands from shaking.
It doesn't take long but it feels like an eternity when Chan’s eyes finally blink open and the whole room heaves a sigh of relief, their leader’s okay.
Chan’s head feels like someone’s drilling into his skull, he’s disoriented and the bright lights almost blind him as his eyes open, eyelids weighing a tonne as he tries to fight against them closing again.
“hyung, you had us so worried!,” Seungmin says softly, rushing to sit beside his head, hands clasped firmly in his own.
“Wha-? What's going on?” he asks, voice slurred as he can barely keep himself awake.
“You passed out, but you’re okay, we’ve got you Hyung,” Seungmin tells him.
Chan silently curses himself for being so foolish, how could he let things get this bad? he’s supposed to be responsible, not just for himself but for the rest of his members too, how could he worry them like this? he feels the self hatred wash over him like a tsunami as he listens to the quiet cries of the younger members from the corners of the practice room. He knows that he’s fucked up and will have to come clean and tell them everything, they deserve to know after he’s frightened them like this. He knows that Changbin won’t let this go until he talks, but Chan doesn’t want to talk, he just wants to sleep. He looks into Minho’s deep brown eyes and feels a hand tighten around his own, it takes everything left in Chan not to break down crying.
“I’m tired. I’m so tired, Min. It's been days and I can't sleep, they’ll come and get you, they’ll take you away from me, I can't let that happen, it's not safe!” He suddenly feels the panic rising in his chest, at this point Chan doesn't even know what he's just saying, instead just letting the panicked words tumble from his lips as tears steadily drip from his eyes.
“Shhh, calm down angel,” Minho quietens him, softly brushing his fringe away from his forehead, “we’re safe here Chan, you’re safe here too, but right now we need to get you to sleep, you’re delirious and exhausted, when was the last time you slept, baby?”
Chan feels more tears slip from his eyes as he answers with a quiet “I don't remember...”
He feels shame rise in his cheeks as he hears the shocked gasps and broken sobs echo around the room. Chan looks desperately to Changbin, who seems to read his mind as he nods slowly letting a soft smile break onto his lips, “Okay,” he whispers to Chan before turning to everyone else in the room, “okay, here's what we’re going to do, Hyunjinnie, love, can you take the everyone else back to the dorm and gather as many blankets and pillows as you can and build a fort,” Changbin can't help but feels his heart flutter as he sees Jeongin and Jisung’s eyes light up, “Min, you stay here and help me with him,”
Just like that their makeshift plan gets put into action, Hyunjin and Seungmin gently tugging the everyone else out of the practice room, reassuring them that Chan would be okay whilst they were gone. Chan feels his heart pull painfully in his chest as he watches them leave, his mind telling him that they wouldn't come back, that this would be the last time he’d see them not covered in their own blood, terror painted on their sickly faces. He tries to smile at Felix, who gives him one last frightened glance before he leaves the room, hands clasped tightly in Jeongin’s as Seungmin’s arm wraps around his waist. He hates to worry them like this, he should've been more careful.
“Shhhh, it’s okay, we’ll see them back at the dorm,” Minho mumbles softly to him as he starts to cry again.
“Hyung, you need to sleep,” Changbin tells him, thumbing softly at his left eyebrow.
“But I can't Binnie! You don't understand, every time I do i-it just…” he trailed off, sobs taking their place.
“I get it, Hyung, i understand,” Changbin tells him honestly, his voice straining as he struggles to keep his emotions at bay.
Changbin and Minho exchange worried looks, something’s going on, something serious. But for now, they just needed to get Chan home, back to the safety of the dorm, wrap him up in blankets and hopefully coax him into sleep.
They arrive back at the dorm and Chan wishes that he could just forget that whole experience, from Changbin and Minho lifting him out of the practice room, passing by a few of their Twice seniors, and how he’d basically cried like a baby the whole way home. He’d accidentally let it slip and told them about his nightmares, regretting it almost as soon as it left his mouth but Changbin reassured him that it was okay and that they’d talk more about it another time when he’s feeling better.
Changbin carries him into the living room, which is now a wonderful mess of pastel blankets, duvets and pillows spread in every direction. The pillows skilfully arranged to accommodate all 8 of them comfortably. If Chan was more coherent and not such an exhausted mess he was sure that he would marvel at the sight, but all he could manage was a wobbly smile aimed to Jisung when he’d moved to take him from Changbin’s strong arms and manoeuvre him into their bedroom to change into something more comfortable to sleep in than tight jeans and a t-shirt.
They’re the last ones to climb into the fort, Jisung’s arms open and waiting for Chan to crawl into, Jeongin shifting to cling to Chan’s back, everyone else surrounding him, all somehow managing to touch him in one way or another, whether it’s a hand stroking through his hair or an arm thrown across his waist or icy cold feet pressing into his calves making him squirm.
They all sit together quietly, someone tapping a soft rhythm into Chan’s hip, that combined with the gentle stroking of his hair and Seungmin’s gentle humming, he struggles to keep himself awake any longer, each blink getting heavier and heavier. His eyes closing for a moment before snapping them open again, berating himself for falling asleep. There’s no way he could sleep like this, with all of them surrounding him, what if he were to wake up screaming again? He couldn't let them see that, he promised himself not to worry them and he’d already worried them enough, they couldn’t see him like that, it would break him.
Seungmin seems to notice his Hyung’s inner turmoil and leans over several bodies to press a kiss to his cheek mumbling a soft, “sleep, Hyung, we’ll protect you,”
Chan hums, he wants so desperately to close his eyes and finally fall asleep but he’s still terrified, knowing that once he’s asleep his mind will torture him, the same way it always would. Chan sniffles as he lets out another broken sob as Felix shushes him from somewhere in their cuddle pile.
“I'm scared,” he admits quietly to everyone and no one in particular, though he knows that everyone heard him.
“and why’s that, my love?” Felix whispers, his deep voice smooth like honey, soothing everyone's shared anxiety as they all exchange worried glances.
“You’re not safe in my dreams, I can't protect you there,” Chan whispers, voice barely audible, “I always try to save you but I’m too late…”
“Channie-hyung,” Hyunjin whines sadly as Chan feels the hand in his tighten.
“You should’ve told us, Hyung,” Seungmin whispers, voice straining with his own tears as the hand in his hair falters its rhythm for a moment.
“Don't cry, Channie-hyung, we’ll be here to protect you,” Jeongin tells him, leaning over to wipe away the tears from his cheeks.
“But…” he tries, his voice breaking halfway.
“Its okay, baby, we’ll be okay, I won't let anything happen to us,” Changbin comforts.
“We’ll be safe here because we have you with us,” Jisung adds, his chest rumbling gently against Chan’s ear.
“We’ll be here the whole time Hyung, so just go to sleep and if something happens we’ll be here,” Changbin tells him.
“Please, Hyung, you’ll feel better,” Felix promises and Chan can't help but smile a little as he feels a kiss being pressed onto his arm and a hand squeezing his thigh.
Chan sighs and lets himself relax, “I'm sorry,” he tries to say but everyone quietens him before the first letter, “I love you all,” he says instead, “thank you,”
The members all smile to each other as they watch Chan’s eyes drift closed, dark eyelashes finally covering the almost black circles under his eyes. They listen as Chan’s breathing evens out, fanning softly over Jisung’s chest. They watch him carefully for any signs of discomfort but they find nothing, much to their relief.
Jeongin and Felix fall asleep soon after their leader, seemingly forgetting that it’s the middle of the day, but they decide to lets them sleep, they probably need it anyway. Minho hums a soft melody as he plays with Changbin’s fingers, who also looks like he's a second away from sleep. Minho keeps half an eye on them watching over them all fondly, smiling as one by one they fall asleep, safe and warm in the surrounding blankets, bodies closely cuddled with each other. It’s rare for the 8 of them to share moments like this, they were special when they happened despite the current circumstances. Minho smiles as Hyunjin pulls Felix into his chest, and Changbin into his side as he finally closes his eyes. He looks down immediately as he feels Chan’s body twitch from where it was buried around him and Jisung, but quickly relaxes as he sees Chan sleeping peacefully, he’s beautiful like this, relaxed and at home surrounded by them. Its when Chan’s most happy, he knows because he told him once when they were drunk, and had gotten overly emotional.
Minho cant help himself as he reaches over to press a soft kiss to Chan’s head before letting himself doze off, comfortable and warm in the safety they created but not before whispering a soft, “we’ll protect you, so come to us. Sleep well, Chan,”
[EXTRA:]
“So, what do you guys think?” Chan asks as he pauses his laptop and carefully watches the members faces, it was always nerve-wracking showing them a new song, despite knowing that they'd love it no matter how awful the track sounded, they know this because he, Changbin and Jisung have tried it more than once.
Jisung and Changbin are grinning from where they’re sitting in the corner of the studio, already over-familiar with the song.
“Its...” Hyunjin spoke first, “it's really beautiful,”
“I love it!” Jeongin shouts.
“It's perfect!”
“I can't wait for the choreography,”
Chan can’t help how wide he smiles at the feedback, they’d worked hard on this track, one that meant a lot to him and it was finally finished, Changbin’s lyrics were beyond breathtaking, the member's parts perfectly matched the style of the song. It’s perfect, the song’s perfect and he’s glad the members agree as they all smiled and asked for Chan to play the song again and again as they piled onto the studio couch, dramatically singing along to their own parts of the song, laughter soon taking over the song as they messed around.
Chan glances over to where Changbin’s sitting beside him being crushed by Jeongin but not seeming to mind, he squeezes the smaller hand in his, successfully catching the dark haired boys attention. Changbin leans closer whispering a concerned, “everything okay, Hyung?”
Chan nods, reassuring the rapper before continuing, “do you remember that day, you told me that you understood, you knew how to deal with them, but how?”
A smile that Chan adores appears on Changbin's pretty face as he brings Chan's hands up to his lips and presses a soft kiss to his knuckles, Chan feels the blush rising in his cheeks, but likes it, “my sister,” he answers sadly, “when we were younger, she was like you, she’d do almost anything to avoid sleeping, even therapy didn't do much, that’s how I know,”
“Thanks,” is all that Chan can respond with and they both know that is not just Changbin’s explanation that he’s thanking the younger for. Changbin kisses Chan’s knuckles one more before being headbutted by Jeongin as he belts out Hyunjin’s part of the song, causing Chan to burst out laughing.
This is happiness, Chan thinks to himself and knows that he’d do whatever it took for him to protect this feeling the eight of them shared together.
No matter what Chan vowed to protect them and he knew that the others would protect him too because this was a family, his family and he loved them.