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It’s the end of the night, after hours of dancing and drinks to re-welcome Hannah and Lucas, and you are sitting on a daybed utterly exhausted. You know you need to start getting ready for bed but your stomach isn’t sitting well. *It’s probably just all the fizzy*, you try to tell yourself, but you know that’s not it. At this point in the game you have learned not to over drink so as not to spend every single day hungover. You probably had two glasses max.
While gazing over the edge of the infinity pool at the twinkling lights and stars, you hear soft footsteps and turn hopefully. Instead of leaping, your stomach drops and the real reason for your unsettled tummy strolls into the kitchen. Hannah is dressed in a nighty, face fresh and gleaming with nighttime cremes, filling her water bottle. Right behind her is Gary. He is still dressed in his flannel and jeans, at least.
Gary passes Hannah to get two cups from the cupboard and then turns to the electric kettle. He playfully tickles Hannah’s side as he walks over to the sink, and she makes a show of not moving for him to get some water. You can’t hear what they’re saying, but you quietly watch as a weight settles over your entire body. Your legs instinctively draw up to your chest and you hold yourself, wishing you could tear your eyes away.
Hannah has one hand on Gary’s chest, the other batting at the kettle, and she is giggling loudly as Gary tries to dance around her. Eventually, she leans close to him and whispers something in his ear, and Gary stops fast. His eyebrows knit together and he sets the kettle down with purpose, turning with a shake of his head. Hannah reaches out to him, clearly trying to keep the game going, but he brushes past her and moves to the other end of the kitchen island. Hannah slowly tries to approach him, continuing to whisper, but halts when Gary puts up his hand and says something clearly stern. Finally, she crosses her arms and marches out of the kitchen in a huff, while Gary grips the bar and hangs his head.
After a few moments, he lifts his head to gaze out across the deck. His eyes snap onto you, still huddled on the daybed. His mouth works like a goldfish as the realization that you saw the whole thing dawns on him. After what feels like an eternity to you both, Gary pushes off from the bar and slowly walks over to you, his hands shoved in his pockets. When he sits carefully on the edge of the bed, giving you lots of space, you turn your head and bury it between your knees, hiding the tears that are now flowing freely.
“Poppet, I…” Gary tries, then closes his mouth to think. The silence drags on, the only noises the lapping of the pool and creak of the canopies in the cool night breeze. With a shaky breath, you lift your head to chance a look at your partner. Gary is leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees and hands clasped tightly. His eyebrows are close together and his mouth moves as if he is worrying his tongue with his teeth. His gaze is fixed on some random spot on the ground.
Without lifting his gaze, Gary starts to speak again, this time his voice catching in his throat. “I’m… I’m not very good at talking about these sorts of things… though you’ve probably picked up on that by now.” He groans and shakes his head, clearly frustrated with himself. “This is a right mess. And… and I’ve just made it worse.”
You perk up a little at his admission, and Gary notices you sit up straighter. His eyes meet yours and after a moment slide away, his face becoming tighter. You think you see a glimmer of tears starting as he turns away again, but it might just be the reflection of the twinkling fairy lights.
Gary’s voice starts up again, this time with a noticeable quavering, and you realize those certainly were tears you saw. “You’ve been so chill this whole day, saying all the right things on paper. I thought, *Hey, it feels so good to be trusted by your girl, what a lucky guy I am*. But clearly I was… I wasn’t paying enough attention.” He clears his throat and takes a deep breath before continuing. “Hannah asked me for kiss in the kitchen, that’s what you saw. I thought we were just having a laugh, a couple of mates bantering. It’s been nice to hang out with her again.” You let out an involuntary huff, and Gary quickly steals an apologetic look at you. “Sorry, I mean… well, I realized at that moment she wasn’t just bantering. When I walked away, she asked me what was wrong cus I’ve been flirting with her all day. And… she was right,” he says, taking a deep, slow breath at the end. “I’ve been a right idiot, haven’t I?”
You can't contain the quick, sharp laugh that escapes your lips. Shifting your weight, you move to sit cross-legged, scrunching your dress between your legs. Your fingers tap on your knees as you think, trying to decide how to respond. After much consideration, you finally settle on, “Yeah, you’re a fucking idiot.”
Gary looks up at you in surprise, then shifts to face you so he has one leg folded up on the bed. He leans forward and nods, clearly waiting to hear what you have to say next.
“Listen, I know I said the right things on paper. I know that trust is important to you, plus I know you’re a bit of a lad so you’re used to flirting with whomever you want.” Gary winces at that, but nods a little as well. You continue, “And at first I did trust you. The things we’ve talked about the last couple days, the future we’ve imagined together… those things helped me feel secure at first. But as the day went on, it was like… it felt like those things were slowly disappearing. Like Hannah was washing them away. So I tried, so hard, to keep thinking positive and have fun tonight and dance with my mates and you and… and…” you pause as the tears start to bubble up within your throat, heat filling your cheeks. You take a shaky breath, steeling yourself to get it all out. As the occasional tear builds up and falls down your cheeks, you continue. “But I shouldn’t have to try so hard. My heart shouldn’t feel like it’s breaking while I’m trying to keep on a happy face and make you feel trusted. If I’m going to trust you, you have to fucking earn it. You have to show me that you are worth trusting.”
You rub your fingers over your cheeks, breathing through your nose in an attempt to calm down. As the sadness pulls back, another emotion comes rushing forward, making your face grow hotter. The tears are gone and now you are just on fire.
“And yes you’ve been flirting with her all day you goddamn twat!” You spit, finally able to unleash what’s been tucked way back in your mind. Gary recoils a little and his eyes flash between you and the villa, as if he is considering running away, but he stays seated on the bed. “Yeah, it was fine at first, you were being friendly, whatever. But then I would catch you looking her over all googley eyed. And then you spent most of the party in the pool with her, spinning her around like you’re re-enacting Dirty fucking Dancing. Even after we jumped in together you totally ignored me and just kept on splash fighting with her. Meanwhile, she’s fawning all over you, touching you every chance she got, fluttering her sweet lil eyes at you like a doll. I’m sure you were just eating up the attention.” Gary opens his mouth to retort but the sneer of your lip quickly shuts him up. “I didn’t say anything because I’m sick of the drama in this place, and I knew you wouldn’t take it well. You’ve told me every chance you’ve had that you like a ‘chill’ girl who ‘doesn’t make a fuss’. Well I’ll fucking tell you something!” At this you jump off the bed and start pacing beside it, energy coursing through you.
“You make a big deal out of wanting a chill, loyal girl but I think you have a backwards notion of what that means. All my mates back home would call me chill, despite whatever opinion everyone here has developed of me since they keep dragging me into their dramas, because I don’t get worked up easily. But being chill doesn’t mean I’m going to sit idly by and let you walk all over me just because some pretty girl has shown up at the door.” You shoot a glare at Gary and he leans back a little, gulping. You nod with satisfaction and continue on. “And loyalty. Hah! You go on and on about loyalty and yet you fall over yourself for every girl that walks in this place. You know what loyalty is? It’s supporting each other through tough patches, like if one of us loses their job or gets into a fight with their best mate. Loyalty is also being honest with each other. If one of us fucks up, it’s loyal to call attention to that. It’s loyal to be your best self with your partner, and expect the same in return. You can’t grow as a person or as a couple if you’re not being loyal. If we have to hide things from each other, or tell little white lies, or not be honest about our feelings, then we’re being disloyal. Loyalty is knowing the boundaries of your relationship and not crossing them!” You finish with a shout in the direction of the pool, fists clenched at your sides. Your breath feels hot, your body heavy with exhaustion. Gary sits on the bed at the periphery of your vision. He sits there like a stone, unmoving.
Hesitantly, you turn your body to look at him. As you lay your eyes on him, the heat in your body washes down to your feet and out into the earth. His shoulders are slumped as he holds his face in his hands. He makes a small sniffling sound and you know he is crying behind those large hands. Your own shoulders slump and you feel cold now, cold and so, so tired. You want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and pass out. You want a meteorite to come flying out of the sky and crush you, just to end this feeling right here and now. Anything to make it stop.
But somehow you find of kernel of something warm in your belly, enough to give you the energy to go on. You needed to get those words out, to tell Gary how much he had hurt you. That was necessary. You have no intention of walking back on those words, not after a day of hiding your true feelings, but deep down you know that now it is time to give him a chance to redeem himself.
“I know you’re a flirty guy. Usually, it honestly doesn’t bother me. I think it’s cute how you want to give every new person a tour of the villa, as if they haven’t seen it on TV. You care so much for the group, you want everyone to have a good time.” You pause, considering the path forward. “I probably come off as flirty too, though I’m really just being kind. Most guys interpret that as flirting, unfortunately. So maybe you were bothered when I was hanging out with Lucas, even though I just see him as a mate, I don’t know. He’s been too forward with me today but I keep brushing him off.” At this Gary looks up from his hands a little, gazing at you carefully. His face is wet with tears, his eyes red and puffy. A pain shoots through your belly and you are filled with a strong urge to reach out to him, comfort him. But you hold back, knowing it’s not time for that yet; you need to take care of yourself first.
“But you were different with Hannah today, Gary. It felt really different from every other time you’ve perked up at a new girl, like Chelsea or Jo. It felt like… like you were giving her a second chance to win your heart. It also felt ridiculous that you didn’t seem to care that she was wearing a fake personality, clearly crafted to get back at Lottie and me.” Gary winces at that and looks at the villa, as if Hannah were standing right there, then he looks at the floor ashamedly. Your voice softens as the tiredness in your bones grows. “You spent most of your day with her, most of your attention given to her, and you barely checked in with me. You let her touch you and flirt with you without calling her out. I know we’re not an ‘official’ couple yet, or whatever. I know this place messes with all the rules of a normal relationship. But… but the stuff we’ve talked about Gary… I imagined we were in this for the long run. I swear we click on another level and yet… watching you devote your time and energy to another girl at this stage, a girl who you didn’t even like at first, a girl who is being incredibly fake right now…” you pause for a long time, pondering the right words. “I am so hurt. I’m embarrassed that everyone saw it and looked at me with pity all night, even Lottie. I’m furious that Hannah would smirk at me every chance she got, looking at me like she was winning. I hate that this feels like a competition… IS a competition, ugh.” You shake your head, realizing just how wild and ridiculous this situation is. You are fighting for a guy you met on a reality show in a competition for love and money. Of course Hannah came in swinging. But it doesn’t change how you feel. You cross your arms and hold them tightly against your belly, finally out of words. It feels like you’ve been talking for an eternity. You are too tired to cry anymore, or yell, or even reach out to Gary for reassurance.
Both of you stay still for a while, the wind stirring your hair and causing the canopy overhead to flap. The chill of the night has set in and you shiver a little, finally aware that you are still out here in your little party dress. You wish you were curled up in bed, smothered in quilts. Anywhere but here, feeling naked with vulnerability.
Gary starts to speak, his voice starting as a low murmur. “I’m so sorry. I… I’ve been a real twat, yeah.” He clears his throat and you both look at each other, maintaining brief eye contact before looking away. “I kept telling myself that everything was alright, but I was lying to myself. It felt fun to hang out with Hannah, be a goof, like a second chance.” He winces at himself, realizing how that sounded. “Fuck, I’m terrible at this. Look, Noah even came up to me at one point and tried to tell me to tone it down, he said he knew I wasn’t into Hannah but I should be more considerate, and I blew him off. I shoulda listened. Noah’s a good mate to both of us, he was trying to build a bridge. And I just knocked it down.” Gary slowly gets to his feet and approaches you, his gaze low and ashamed. Stopping a couple feet before you he shuffles his feet a little, uncomfortable with the tension.
“You’re right about loyalty, love. And being chill. I think… I still think like a lad sometimes, like I’m just hooking up with a girl I met at the pub. But I’m sick of that, I don’t want to live like that anymore. I came here looking for the real thing but I’ve done a lot to bungle that up. My nan is gonna smack me upside the head when I get home.” You involuntarily let out a little laugh, smiling. You raise your head and find Gary looking at you softly. “Well, you deserve it,” you say, trying to keep your smile small. “Oh yeah, yeah I do. She’ll make sure I know I do,” he confirms. He steps closer to you and reaches out, asking to hold your hands. You hesitate, unsure if you’re ready, but you’re so tired, so in need of comfort, so you grasp his hands tightly. He looks relieved.
“I shouldn’t have paid so much attention to Hannah tonight. I should’ve checked in with you. I didn’t even know Lucas had been bothering you, and I’m so mad at myself that you had to deal with that alone. I should’ve been there to have your back.” Gary pauses, his eye brows knitted together. “I think Hannah showing up… I think I got scared. We’re so close to the end, and you and I have been so intense lately, talking about the future and stuff. Imagining our lives together after the villa. And… and, you know, I’ve never been in a serious relationship before. So I think… seeing Hannah, seeing a reminder of our very first days in the villa… I just wanted to feel flirty and carefree again. Like I didn’t have to worry about the future. And that was…” he grips your hands tighter, rocking in his shoes a bit. You’ve been staring at where your hands are clasped together, and now you slowly raise your gaze to his face, where the tears have started to gather in his eyes. As he starts to speak again, his voice is tight, clearly on the edge of cracking. “I like you so much. Like I’ve never liked anyone before. And it’s not just this place, this game speaking. I don’t feel like a weirdo when I’m with you. I… I can be myself, and you’ll banter with me, but you don’t laugh at me. You… you’re… you’re the girl I want to bring home to my nan and I know she’ll look at me and nod, like, this is the one lad, good work, and… and the thought that I’ve bungled it up, I just… I just… I’m so sorry… I’m…” and with that his voice cracks, and he lets out a sob, tears freely flowing down his face. You realize you are also crying; you’d been so focused on Gary’s words that you hadn’t realized.
As Gary stands before you, shuddering with tears, you know you can’t bear the distance any longer. You pull him into your arms and he eagerly embraces you, gripping you tightly. You nuzzle into his neck as he presses his face into your hair, gripping the back of your head. You both stay here for a while, crying and rocking in each other’s arms, not moving or saying a thing.
After a while, the tears slow and you both settle into rhythmic breathing, sniffling now and then. Gary speaks, quietly, next to your ear. “When I came into the kitchen, I was planning to make us both a cuppa. Hannah said she saw you on the terrace so I thought I’d surprise you. Then she said she’d come with me to fill her water bottle. Now that I think about it, she probably saw you out here and hoped I’d kiss her right in front of you. I’m so sorry, I am so stupid for believing she wasn’t trying to turn my head. I’m so sorry I hurt you, that you had to watch all that. I understand if you can’t forgive me. You should be with someone more mature than that. But… but, I promise you, it wasn’t working. She wasn’t turning my head. The whole time my thoughts kept slipping back to you. I know I didn’t show it and you don’t have to believe me but… I swear. You’re my girl. My only girl. The only one I can see myself with five, ten years from now. Standing in the kitchen, making dinner together… once I’ve learned how to cook anyway… and you’re wearing a cute lil apron and I’m stealing kisses and you shoo me away… and I wear the cute lil apron while washing up the dishes and you’re stealing kisses and I can’t shoo you away cus you’re irresistible and…” and at this you lightly push Gary so you can see his face, look into his eyes, and you kiss him.
The kiss is careful at first, barely touching lips, and you both linger there clinging to each other. Then you push against him, wanting no more distance, no more tears. Gary kisses you back, meeting your urgency. The kiss draws out, intense despite the fact that you are not moving, just breathing with your lips pressed together. Then, hesitantly pulling back with a few quick pecks, you look into his eyes again. They are bright under the fairy lights and he looks back at you directly, clearly unwilling to tear his eyes away.
You remember when Lucas asked you that question, about where you see yourself with your partner in the future. You’d told him “Standing in the kitchen,” and he’d smirked at that, then refused to share his answer. You hadn’t thought about it since then. But what Gary just said… it brings it all back. You could picture what he said so easily; it was right at the edge of your thoughts. You both imagined the same small thing but it feels like it means the world.
“I won’t be able to resist your kisses when I’m cooking,” you say, a smile playing at the edges of your lips. Gary sighs, chancing a smile back. “So I guess it’s good I’m a great cook, cus I’m probably gonna need to fix a lot of mistakes when you distract me.” Gary chuckles and rests his forehead against yours, breathing deeply. “Gary…” you continue, “I believe you. I know this place messes with your head. And I appreciate your apology, your honesty. But that doesn’t change that it all came after the fact, after I was already hurt. If we’re gonna make this work, if you want to kiss me in our kitchen in five years… you have to be more considerate of my feelings. You have to be honest with me. And you can’t act like a lad anymore, if we really truly couple up. Checking out every fittie who walks by, chatting up girls while you’re out with your mates. I don’t mind a lil bit of flirting here and there, but I need emotional loyalty as well. If you are being more emotionally intimate with some other girl, dedicating more time to her than to me… that’s not gonna fly. Like you’ve said before, where you spend your time is where you spend your life. I can’t be in your life if you don’t treat me with respect.”
Gary nods against you, his forehead still resting against yours. He breathes in deeply, then lifts his head to press his mouth to your nose for a quick peck. He takes a step back, releasing you from the tight hug, and holds your hands again. You tremble a little, a combination of your exhaustion, the cold, and the vulnerable space between you. You wait for his response anxiously, the silence deafening.
“I promise, from here on out, to do everything I can to let you know that I care about you. Not just my words, my actions too. You’re right, I can’t be a lad anymore, I came here to leave that life behind. You’re my future, poppet. You’re where I want to spend my time.”
You smile, a rush of relief moving through your chest. The tightness in your belly unwinds and you’re finally able to take a really deep, calming breath. Your head falls back and you groan, “Oh thank god, I can finally go to sleep.” Gary bursts out laughing, and gathers you into his arms again, enveloping you tightly. He nuzzles into your hair again and whispers, “Let’s sleep out here tonight, away from all those snoring and sleep talking wankers.” You nod then whine, “I still need to change and take my makeup off, so give me a minute.” Gary shushes you and runs his hand over your hair.
“You crawl into this bed right here. I’ll go get you some jammies and makeup wipes. You can change under the covers and clean up. I’ll get us some water too,” Gary says, pushing you towards the day bed. You collapse onto it face first and murmur your thanks. Gary chuckles and pats you on the bum, promising to be back shortly.
While he’s gone, you crawl under the covers of the daybed, moaning with relief as the mattress cradles your body. Pulling the duvet up to your neck, you shimmy out of your dress and bra, then kick your shoes away, finally nestling into the covers with a sigh. You don’t realize you are dozing until you feel Gary’s hand rest on your shoulder, shaking you lightly. He whispers, “Slip this on,” and you feel him push something into your hands. Still half asleep, you pull it over your head. When you’re done, you feel something cool touch your cheek and open your eyes in surprise. Gary has a makeup wipe in his hand and is softly rubbing it over your face. “Close your eyes, love, I need to get that sparkly stuff too,” he whispers, and you smile as you shut your eyes. The soothing motions of Gary cleaning your face soon has you dozing again, and you barely notice when he finishes and kisses your forehead. You stir when you feel the covers lift and his warm body cuddle up next to you. Gratefully, you let him gather you up and pull you in as little spoon. His steady breathing and comforting presence quickly pulls you toward sleep, but just before you are completely under, you run your hand over your belly and feel what he gave you to sleep in. You open your eyes, look down and, in the dim light, you can see it is one of Gary’s shirts. You finally fall asleep, a smile on your lips.