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The thing about David is that he was quick to react, quick to overreact. He likes to think of himself as calm, as cool-headed, as someone who thought before he spoke, but it was all a lie. David was never one to keep his temper, his fear, his disgust under a tight lid. Instead it spilled over like a pot that was too full of boiling water, and every single night the chef thinks to himself, I should use less water tonight. But then he doesn’t. He puts in the same cups every time, thinking that this time he actually poured in the right amount.
He thinks about this, about the sound of sizzling water hitting a burner, as he runs his fingers up and down Matteo’s spine. He’s laughing, loudly and openly, and usually Matteo’s laugh, especially one as bright as this, is enough to make the corners of David’s mouth turn up unconsciously, already feeding into the warmth that a happy Matteo usually brings him. But it isn’t doing anything now. The bright sound is actually making David’s jaw feel tighter than normal, like he’s waiting to snap but afraid at who.
Matteo puts his hand on David’s knee and squeezes it from where he’s agreeing profusely with whatever this Jacob guy is saying about video games. The sensation is enough to make David want to close his eyes, but the second Matteo removes his hand to start making some hand gesture, David’s back to glaring right through the base of Jacob’s skull.
David didn’t think that he was a jealous person. Jealousy is overrated, barbaric, unsophisticated, and frankly, David didn’t have time for it. He spent too long being a kid so envious of the way that the other boys and girls on the playground seemed to fit so easily into their body, so jealous of the casualness in the way they walked and talked and dressed, that one day he just decided he was over it, that he was too tired to deal with an envy scratching at the back of his neck anymore. David doesn’t think he’s been jealous since he was fifteen, since he was last looking into the boys’ locker room that he was barred from entering at his old school. No, he hasn’t been this sour since before he was trying to fit into his skin as some kid with a bone to pick with the rest of the universe, but then again, he never had Matteo before this. And suddenly he felt like a rabid dog with a T-bone waved right in front of his face when this guy smiles widely over at Matteo’s comment on graphics.
“Man, that extension is just so epic. I can’t believe they didn’t think of it in the first place!” Jacob practically screeched. The sound of his voice made something start ringing in David’s ears. He curled on of his hands into his fist until his nails were biting into his palm. The other one was pulling at the side of Matteo’s sweater.
“I haven’t played that one yet,” Matteo admitted. He started picking at the seam of David’s jeans, and it made David want to pull him closer by the hip until Matteo was practically in his lap. He hasn’t seen Matteo for more than an hour at a time in three days, and the contact with his sweetheart was making him feel more intoxicated than the three beers he’s downed in the last hour. He was half convinced that he could get high off of his scent alone if he thought it was acceptable to shove his face in Matteo’s neck and just inhale. But then again, maybe this wasn’t the desire to have his boyfriend close as much as David just wanted this Jacob guy to see that Matteo was off limits.
“Oh, really? I’ve got a copy. You could come by my place to try it out.”
David gritted his teeth and pulled at the back of Matteo’s shirt until they were pressed together all the way to their toes. This guy’s obvious flirting with his boyfriend was just getting down right disrespectful at this point. Jonas had introduced them to his new friend at the beginning of the night when they all clumped together in some bar to celebrate something that David has already forgotten about at this point, and Jacob seemed to catch an eye for Matteo immediately, even after David had introduced himself as Matteo’s boyfriend, a boyfriend who he shared a home with, and a history with, and a life with, and who was also seriously pissed off at Jacob’s complete disregard for him sitting right there, glued to Matteo’s side, not going anywhere anytime.
Matteo glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, and David didn’t have the courage to look over, afraid that Matteo would see something ugly staring back, something David had never wanted him to see, something feral enough to spit out acid when it started growing from the bottom of his spine and made its way up to his heart where it was now. “Yeah, maybe Jonas and I could come by,” Matteo said slowly, still watching David.
And David knew that Matteo was just being polite, that he didn’t have a purposefully vicious bone in his body, that the idea of having people upset with him made him curl up against the wall, and he hadn’t said yes. He hadn’t agreed to hang out with guy, and he mentioned Jonas specifically to show that he wouldn’t come by on his own, that he wasn’t interested. But there was still something creeping around David’s gut that made him want to say something out of place for public, something brutal and mean and so full of spite and pettiness that none of his friends would ever look at him the same again, but he didn’t. He bit his tongue and clamped down his jaw because he didn’t want to fuck this up because he didn’t think before he spoke. Again.
Jonas must have been able to feel the tension growing at the table, even if this Jacob guy clearly hadn’t. “I’m going out for a smoke. Jacob, want one?”
“Oh, yeah, sure. Matteo?”
And the sound of Matteo’s name coming out of this guy’s mouth made David’s knee jerk up and hit the edge of the table, and it was the only thing stopping him from slamming upright and getting in this guy’s face because he really just wasn’t getting it right now. But David could pretty easily make him. He wanted to make him see that he really wasn’t one to mess with, and by default, he shouldn’t try to mess with Matteo either, in any way.
Matteo gripped at David’s shoulder and let his nails dig into the skin. “Nah, I’m good, man,” he responded with a forced smile. Jonas nodded with a wide look in his eyes and dragged Jacob out by the elbow.
Matteo turned to David who was looking down at the table with his hands curled into tight in his lap.
“Why are you mad?” Matteo asked, his fingertips pressing down onto the knots in David’s neck, reading him like he’s worse than an open book. He hasn’t been able to hide anything from him yet, not that he thinks he would be able to after he handed over his entire soul, wrapped up in a bright yellow bow, and tucked in neatly into Matteo’s pocket what feels like lifetimes ago.
“I’m fine,” David bites out because he didn’t want to do this, not to Matteo, not ever.
“Whatever it is, I didn’t mean to,” Matteo said quiet and sad, and it broke David’s heart in half because his sweet boy thought that he was the one making ants crawl under his skin when he’d done nothing but be polite and courteous the entire night. And David is reminded that he thought he was over this, that he finally got the right measurements for the water, but here he was boiling over again, burning the hand of the one person who didn’t deserve the heat.
“You didn’t do anything, Teo,” David said, and slid his arm back around Matteo’s back to haul him closer. He was looking at David with big eyes and a rosy hint to his cheeks that had the tension in David’s shoulders melting right out his muscles. “I’ve just had a long day.”
“Anything I can do?”
Right when David was about to open his mouth to answer, Jonas and Jacob come back and plop themselves back in their seats. “So what’s the move, boys?” Jonas asks, throwing back a gulp of his beer.
David shakes his head to try and get it to clear some when Matteo pushes himself away from the table, pulling David up with him. “Sorry, man. We’re headed home for the night,” he said with hooded eyes and a cocky smile that had David wanted to melt right out of his shoes. That certainly wasn’t there a second ago.
“What? No! Come on!” Jonas waved his arms around in protest.
“Sorry, bro,” he gave Jonas a face bump and wrapped an arm around David’s shoulders. “But why waste my time watching you strike out all night when I’ve got a hot boyfriend I haven’t spent some quality time with in a week? Ciao!” Matteo waves over his shoulder and pulls a stunned David away from the bar.
But, Matteo dropped his arm off David’s shoulders as soon as they were out the bar with a quiet sigh. The cocky smile slipped off his features and was replaced with a look of silent apathy, and David suddenly wished they could go back to where he was smiling brightly and loudly, even if why he was laughing was the reason they were out here in the first place. The thought of letting him go right now made something twist in David’s stomach and the thought of Jacob inviting Matteo over came back up the forefront of his mind along with the sound of sizzling water. He laced their fingers together, and they walked slowly back to their place a pace and a half apart.
“Are you hungry?” Matteo asked as he slipped his shoes off at the door. He walked into the kitchen before David could even answer, and all he could do was follow, stopping in the entry way, trying to keep his sourness away from anything that Matteo was trying to prepare. But then again, Matteo made everything taste syrupy sweet to him. A little bitterness couldn’t hurt.
David watched as he started pulling ingredients out from random places, most of which probably weren’t even his, and he thought that he was going to have to buy Hans some more cheese tomorrow after he woke up because Matteo was sure to forget that he even owed it to him. Jacob wouldn’t know that, wouldn’t even have the slightest inkling that Matteo stole all of his roommates’ food, that if he wanted to keep the peace in the apartment and not come over to a cranky Hans, over-stimulated Linn, and irritated Matteo who wanted to stay in bed all day then he was going to have to go and drag Matteo to the store behind him, even if he was doing the closest thing to kicking and screaming he got. Jacob doesn’t even have a fucking clue.
“You’re glaring at the floor,” Matteo said.
“I’m not.”
Matteo leveled him a look that said he wasn’t impressed with that answer, and David just raised his eyebrow in challenge. “You’re glaring. You’re mad,” Matteo turned back to the food in front of him and busied his fingers. “Are you mad at me?”
David sighed and let the back of his head hit the doorframe behind him, feeling like a record on loop right not. “I already told you I’m not, Teo.”
“Yeah, but then we left the bar, so I thought you would be in a better mood,” Matteo shrugged. “But you’re not. You’re glaring at the floor, so you must still be mad.” He didn’t say still mad at me, but David heard it all the same. He looked so small and made David think of field mice and ferrets.
“I-,” David scrunched his mouth up to one side. “I might have been… upset, but I’m not mad at you, Matteo. Just,” he waved a hand in front of his face, looking for the word and failing. “Just tired, I guess.”
“Why were you upset?” Matteo asked, turning his face to look over at him, and David was slightly stunned by the way his eyes seemed to glimmer in the light from over the oven.
“It’s not important,” he says slowly, hoping that Matteo continued to look at him just so he could get his fill, just so he could have something to think about when he turned away. Sometimes he wasn’t able to sleep at night with Matteo next to him, not wanting to look away from the curve of his nose, the shape of his ear, the way he looked.
“Yes, it is,” Matteo argued.
“It’s really not.”
Matteo turned away, and David thinks he started holding his breath. “It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me, but it’s not good to bottle up your feeling, you know. I just thought I’d offer if-“
“I was jealous, okay?” David yelled, interrupting the concerned self-deprecation that can come over Matteo late at night.
Matteo stopped with one knife over a tomato. “What?”
“I was jealous,” David repeated a little quieter and a lot more ashamed. He felt like the monster that has been hiding under Matteo’s bed for years. He felt like he had finally come out of the dark, just to see that he misread this arrangement wrong the entire time, that he was learning what terror looked like on someone he held dear, someone who didn’t know they were held dear at all.
Matteo turned to look at him, his face scrunched up tight in confusion but not disgust. “Why?”
“Jacob,” David side with a shake of his head like it was obvious. Matteo didn’t seem to be getting it and made a hand motion for David to continue. “He was flirting with you,” David stated.
Matteo scoffed. “He was not.”
“He was.”
Matteo turned all the way towards him. “We were talking about video games.”
“He invited you over,” David responded as he walked into the room, unable to keep himself away his usual orbit around his sweetheart.
Matteo squinted his eyes, and David pushed his hands under his sweater to feel the heat of his skin. Matteo immediately put a hand over his shoulder, still looking mildly suspicious at the idea that someone, anyone, could ever be interested in him. David shoves down the spiteful and malicious idea that no one gets to see Matteo like this, pensive and quiet and intimate in a casual way that comes with affectionate trust.
“I didn’t notice,” Matteo admits.
David hums as he shoves his nose in the soft spot under Matteo’s jaw and finally feels like he can inhale all night. Matteo pulls his head back to look at him, and David feels like baring his teeth like a dog getting its meal taken away, or maybe like whining high in his throat until he gets what he wants again.
“I never would have, you know,” Matteo says like he’s begging David to understand with the way he’s gripping at the sides of his face. “You’re the only thing I ever notice.”
David closes his eyes and kisses Matteo hard.