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Hans had said that he was inviting a few friends over, and then Mia had invited the girls over, which meant that the boys were coming over with them. And then somehow Linn had invited some people over too, and Matteo didn’t even really know that she had any friends. And all of a sudden their apartment was filled with people wall to wall and music that was on the wrong side of too loud, and Matteo wasn’t sure he had seen most of people before let alone heard of any of them.
Matteo wasn’t expecting all this excitement tonight, didn’t prepare to have this many people over. He didn’t even want it. The week had dragged on, and Matteo had felt like he was underwater since Tuesday, wanting nothing more than to slide under his covers and get his boyfriend to play with his hair while he tried to focus on staying in this reality instead of slipping into one where he was all alone and never going to amount to anything and a failure and a letdown and-
He hadn’t seen David since last week with all the stress of work and school keeping them apart, and Matteo wasn’t even sure if he was here yet. He said he would come later, but never said when later was. Matteo tells himself that it’s fine. The whole party is fine, and the fact that he has no idea where his boyfriend was is totally and completely fine. That he’ll just get a drink and go find a corner to stick to, and the night would end eventually after a few stilted conversations filled with small talk and awkward introductions.
He gulped down half of his beer before turning back towards the living room, ready to brave the sea of strangers and oddities in hopes of finding something familiar on the other side. He tried to find someone he knew through the changing colored lights and bass heavy pop music as he stood in the doorway, and he thought he could barely make out the silhouette of Carlos on the other end of the room in between the grinding bodies in the middle of the room.
Somebody jostled Matteo as they pushed past him into the kitchen, and Matteo had to shut his eyes tight at the feeling. He took a deep breath and pushed himself into the room.
He curled his fingers into his palms so that he could feel something over the bass in his chest and the rising water in his ears, but the bite of his nails into his skin wasn’t enough to stop the burning he felt in his shoulder where that stranger had touched him, walked right past him like he wasn’t even there, like he didn’t even see him. And maybe he didn’t. Maybe Matteo was invisible, and nobody had been able to see him all night. They couldn’t hear him scream at them to turn the music down, to keep their conversations quiet, to let him exist in this space without feeling like he was standing next to a jet engine. Maybe Matteo wasn’t even here at all, and that person hadn’t bumped into him but the wall he was standing next to, and Matteo was just watching what life would be like if he wasn’t around anymore, if all his friends were freed from the burden of him dragging them to the dirt to be on his level, if he wasn’t wasting the space around him with his presence.
Matteo’s breath got caught up in his chest, and he suddenly couldn’t remember if he was in his apartment or at the top of a tower with the wind whipping around him so fast that he just might tumble off the top and fall all the way to the ground, hearing the crunch of his ribs against the pavement. He grabbed at the neck of his shirt to help him get some air in, and he pushed his way through the people to his room. He threw the door open, and the noise was so loud that the rest of the party had to hear it, and they had to know that someone was having a breakdown in here, but they haven’t been able to see him all night. Oh god what if he was just a ghost? What if he was doomed to haunt the lives of his friends for all eternity watching what they were capable of without him? What if-
“Matteo, sweetheart, you’re okay,” someone whispered, and they were so quiet that Matteo wasn’t sure how he could hear them over the pounding of his own heart, and he still couldn’t even breathe.
Gentle fingers smoothed down his arms where he was gripping at his own elbows, and they curled around his wrists to pull them away from himself. “Can you breathe with me, Teo?” The voice was still so quiet and so smooth that Matteo wanted to listen, but his lungs were crumbled tight in his chest refusing to expand like a crumbled up piece of paper, like his crumbled up cheat sheets because he was never able to pass a stupid test of his own, and he really did fuck this all up, didn’t he? He really just wasted everyone time all these years, and no one even told him because they couldn’t even see him-
“Come on, monkey. Breathe with me.” The hands pushed his palms flat onto the voice’s chest, and Matteo could feel the vibrations of the other’s murmurs over the pounding of head. And they were so low and sweet like a river on rocks that Matteo tried his best to suck in some air only to have his chest squeeze tight again. “You got it, monkey. Just breathe. You got it, Teo.”
Matteo finally got his windpipe to expand and threw air into his throat as fast as he could because he was starting to see stars behind his eyelids, and he was worried that maybe he hadn’t left the living room at all and he was staring up at the bright lights surrounded by people who didn’t even know he was there.
“Slow down, Matteo. Nice and slow, baby. There you go.”
He curled his fingers in the voice’s shirt and dared himself to open his eyes. David was looking back at him with a small smile that didn’t reach his teeth and a wetness in his eyes that said he was sad. And Matteo didn’t want him to be sad. He wanted him to be happy and cheerful and excited to see him, not like his heart was breaking just looking in his direction.
His hands were resting over Matteo’s fists, and he was breathing slow and steady for Matteo to mimic, even though he hadn’t been able to get his lungs to follow that pattern just yet. “David,” Matteo sighed somewhere between panic and awe.
“There you are.” David gripped at his hand tighter and rested the other on his knee, and Matteo doesn’t remember ending up on the floor. But David is crouched down next to where he shoved himself into a tight ball in the corner. “Are you okay?”
“You can see me?”
David blinked. “Of course I can, Teo. Of course.”