Chapter Text
- PrettyBitch created Black Eagles Groupchat and added 6 other members -
- Black Eagles Groupchat @ 4:12pm -
PrettyBitch: ferdinand ik it was u who took the milk from our fridge
edel_gard: ummmm…??
edel_gard: what is this?
PrettyBitch: oh welcome to the groupchat everyone
PetraMacneary: Hello!
PrettyBitch: I figured we needed one
i.am.ferdinand: because…?
PrettyBitch: FERDINAND U MOTHERFUCKER
PrettyBitch: GIVE BACK THE MILK
urlocalshortboi: woah ok
edel_gard: Dorothea did you make this chat just to yell about milk?
PrettyBitch: no!!! I made it so we’d talk more
urlocalshortboi: riiiiiiight
PrettyBitch: it just so happened that the stolen milk needed to be addressed too
i.am.ferdinand: I did NOT steal the milk!
PrettyBitch: oh yeah? so why did bernie see u in our kitchen earlier taking it? hmmm?????
_bernie_: please don't bring me into this
PrettyBitch: sorry bernie ur a key witness
i.am.ferdinand: well prove I was there then
i.am.ferdinand: give me some physical evidence
PetraMacneary: Ferdinand this is not a court case.
PrettyBitch: oh ferdie u want evidence?
PrettyBitch: how’s this then
PrettyBitch : [sent an image]
urlocalshortboi: ahahahahahaha
let.me.sleep: thanks for ruining my afternoon nap with notifications guys
PrettyBitch: ur welcome
urlocalshortboi: hey Lin!
let.me.sleep: hi.
PrettyBitch: so, milk thief.
PrettyBitch: there’s the evidence
PrettyBitch: a photo that clearly shows YOU taking our semi skimmed milk
urlocalshortboi: semi skimmed???
urlocalshortboi: dude if ur gonna steal at least take the full fat milk
let.me.sleep: I must say I agree
edel_gard: full fat is the superior milk
PrettyBitch: ferdinand r u even there
PrettyBitch: we’re attacking ur milk choices NOW ANSWER
edel_gard: I think he’s gone
let.me.sleep: it says he hasn’t read any of the messages since Dorothea sent that photo
PrettyBitch: that’s it I’m gonna spam him with messages
PrettyBitch: I NEED to know why he took the milk
PetraMacneary: Is that truly a necessity?
PrettyBitch: YES.
- PrettyBitch to i.am.ferdinand @ 4:22pm -
PrettyBitch: milk thief
PrettyBitch: milk thief
PrettyBitch: milk thief
PrettyBitch: milk thief
PrettyBitch: milk thief
PrettyBitch: milk thief
PrettyBitch: milk thief
PrettyBitch: milk thief
PrettyBitch: milk thief
i.am.ferdinand: for gods sake Dorothea just leave me alone!
i.am.ferdinand: yes I stole the milk
i.am.ferdinand: now move on
PrettyBitch: oh
PrettyBitch: well thank you for confessing to your terrible crime
PrettyBitch: but why did u take it?
i.am.ferdinand: we ran out
PrettyBitch: ok yeah so u could’ve just bought some
i.am.ferdinand: I know but
i.am.ferdinand: ugh this is so stupid
PrettyBitch: I’m getting the feeling it wasn’t just about the milk
PrettyBitch: wow that’s the dumbest sentence I’ve ever typed
PrettyBitch: but seriously what’s up
PrettyBitch: normally ur ok with my mean jokes at u
i.am.ferdinand: it’s just
i.am.ferdinand: ugh
i.am.ferdinand: ok I’ll tell you but only if you promise not to make fun of me
PrettyBitch: of course I promise! joke time over.
i.am.ferdinand: alright
i.am.ferdinand: so we ran out of milk
i.am.ferdinand: but I was kinda desperate because I had a
i.am.ferdinand: I had a guest over
PrettyBitch: …a ‘guest’ you say…?
i.am.ferdinand: don’t
PrettyBitch: sorry
i.am.ferdinand: I needed milk for their coffee
i.am.ferdinand: and I didn’t realise we had no milk left
i.am.ferdinand: so when I opened the fridge and realised there wasn’t any, I freaked out a little
i.am.ferdinand: I didn’t want to keep them waiting
i.am.ferdinand: and it was already awkward enough
i.am.ferdinand: so I just said I’d be right back and I went to your dorm since it’s so close
i.am.ferdinand: I couldn’t see anyone there so I just took the milk and left
i.am.ferdinand: I guess Bernadetta was there after all
i.am.ferdinand: so
i.am.ferdinand: that’s why I took it
i.am.ferdinand: sorry I know that’s the stupidest thing ever
PrettyBitch: oh ferdie
PrettyBitch: it’s fine
PrettyBitch: I didn’t really care about the milk in the first place
PrettyBitch: just thought it was funny
PrettyBitch: but
PrettyBitch: and u don’t have to talk about it if u don’t want to
PrettyBitch: am I right in thinking that this ‘guest’...
PrettyBitch: was someone u were trying to impress?
i.am.ferdinand: I guess
i.am.ferdinand: yeah
PrettyBitch: ...because you’re interested in them?
i.am.ferdinand: I don’t know what you mean
PrettyBitch: ferdinand.
i.am.ferdinand: ...
i.am.ferdinand: ok
i.am.ferdinand: fine
i.am.ferdinand: yes you’re right
PrettyBitch: …!
i.am.ferdinand: please don’t
PrettyBitch: !!!!!
i.am.ferdinand: please don’t
PrettyBitch: ferdie!!!!!!
i.am.ferdinand: please don’t
PrettyBitch: ohhhh come on!!
PrettyBitch: who’s the lucky girl?????
i.am.ferdinand: no.
PrettyBitch: hm I don’t know anyone by that name
i.am.ferdinand: ha. ha.
PrettyBitch: pleeeeeeease tell me
i.am.ferdinand: no way.
PrettyBitch: why not? :(
PrettyBitch: u should know by now that I’m a fabulous secret keeper
i.am.ferdinand: I don’t want to talk about it
PrettyBitch: well maybe not today
PrettyBitch: but perhaps you’ll tell me tomorrow?
i.am.ferdinand: …
PrettyBitch: that’s a yes?
i.am.ferdinand: no!
PrettyBitch: ferdieeeeee
PrettyBitch: u know it’ll kill me not knowing
i.am.ferdinand: I know
PrettyBitch: so pls tell me? :)
i.am.ferdinand: ok fine
i.am.ferdinand: just not now
PrettyBitch: yay!
PrettyBitch: tell me whenever ur ready ferdie
PrettyBitch: preferably by the end of this week
i.am.ferdinand: maybe
i.am.ferdinand: but just don’t bring it up when I next see you ok?
i.am.ferdinand: I much prefer messaging you
PrettyBitch: ok I get that
PrettyBitch: tell me via text when u feel less awkward about it
i.am.ferdinand: I never said I felt awkward about it!
PrettyBitch: ferdie, I can tell.
i.am.ferdinand: :\
PrettyBitch: anyway
PrettyBitch: come back to the groupchat now?
i.am.ferdinand: ok
- Black Eagles Groupchat @ 4:37pm -
PrettyBitch: milk crisis over guys
i.am.ferdinand: I’m glad to announce I won’t be going to jail
edel_gard: good to hear
let.me.sleep: does that mean I can sleep now
PrettyBitch: no
urlocalshortboi: Lin you can just mute the chat
let.me.sleep: mkay ty
PrettyBitch: so anyway
PrettyBitch: I just looked at my schedule and realised I have film studies tomoz
PrettyBitch: and surprise surprise I haven’t finished the assignment
edel_gard: you want to copy mine don’t you
PrettyBitch: :)
edel_gard: I’ve got it in my bag so you’ll have to wait til I get back
PrettyBitch: ur out shopping right?
edel_gard: yes
edel_gard: got some cute decor for the dorm
PrettyBitch: ooh
_bernie_: dorotheadorotheadorothea
_bernie_: areyouinthecommonroom
PrettyBitch: oh hey bernie
PrettyBitch: no I’m not
PrettyBitch: why?
_bernie_: THEN WHO IS????????!!??!
_bernie_: [sent an image]
PrettyBitch: bernie sweetie that’s a pitch black photo so I can’t see shit
_bernie_: WELLTHERES SOMEONEE ONTHESOFA!!!!?!!!!
PrettyBitch: there’s no one else in the dorm apart from me and you bernie
edel_gard: maybe turn the lights on?
_bernie_: WHATIFTHERES A PERSON THERE THENWHAT DO I DO
PrettyBitch: hang on I’ll come in and see
_bernie_: okkthankyou
urlocalshortboi: …
edel_gard: and now, we wait.
- Black Eagles Groupchat @ 4:49pm -
PrettyBitch: [sent a video]
[Video Starts:]
Dorothea (entering the common room): Alright Bernie what’s going on?
Bernadetta (off camera): I s-swear there’s someone there, Dorothea.
(The camera pans as Dorothea looks for Bernadetta.)
Dorothea: Ok, but where the hell are you?
Bernadetta (whispering): H-here…
(Dorothea finds Bernadetta underneath the table.)
Dorothea (under her breath): Fucking hell…
Dorothea: I’m going to turn the main light on.
(She walks across the room and flicks the switch. The room lights up and the camera pans to show the sofa in the middle of the room.)
Dorothea: LINHARDT?! WHAT THE FUCK?
(A small squeal from Bernadetta can be heard in the background.)
Linhardt (yawning): Huh…?
(Dorothea walks round the sofa and zooms in on Linhardt’s face. There’s footsteps in the background and then the camera flicks to show Bernadetta for a moment, who is walking tentatively towards the sofa.)
Dorothea: Bernie I’m sorry for ever doubting you. Evidently, there was a person in here.
(Dorothea starts laughing hysterically and zooms the camera in on Linhardt again, who’s rubbing his eyes.)
[Video Ends]
edel_gard: oh my god what’s he doing at our place
PrettyBitch: I’ve sent him back to his dorm
edel_gard: banished?
PrettyBitch: banished.
- Black Eagles Groupchat @ 5:06pm -
let.me.sleep: ok let me explain
PetraMacneary: You have made it safely to your dorm?
let.me.sleep: well actually I’m at Caspar’s
let.me.sleep: but yes, thank you Petra
i.am.ferdinand: Linhardt please answer my messages
PrettyBitch: oh?
i.am.ferdinand: no “oh” Dorothea.
i.am.ferdinand: this has nothing to do with you.
PrettyBitch: ferdie! I’m hurt by your words
PrettyBitch: I shall be expecting messages from you later…
i.am.ferdinand: fine.
let.me.sleep: explanation later then. brb
- i.am.ferdinand to let.me.sleep @ 5:08pm -
i.am.ferdinand: I’m begging you Linhardt please just make something up
i.am.ferdinand: tell them you were so tired that you went into the wrong dorm
let.me.sleep: hey it’s ok
let.me.sleep: I wasn’t gonna tell them anyway
let.me.sleep: why would I
i.am.ferdinand: I don’t know
i.am.ferdinand: for all I know you could hate me
i.am.ferdinand: and would want to tell everyone
let.me.sleep: hey you’re alright
let.me.sleep: better than most of the people I’ve met here
i.am.ferdinand: uh thanks?
let.me.sleep: now I’ll go tell the groupchat the explanation
let.me.sleep: and you go talk to Dorothea
let.me.sleep: she’s your closest friend, correct?
i.am.ferdinand: yeah, we’ve known each other for a long time now
let.me.sleep: so you can trust her
i.am.ferdinand: of course I can
let.me.sleep: so talk to her, Ferdinand
let.me.sleep: properly.
i.am.ferdinand: alright
i.am.ferdinand: thank you.
- Black Eagles Groupchat @ 5:10pm -
let.me.sleep: ok I’m back
let.me.sleep: basically I was tired
let.me.sleep: as usual
let.me.sleep: and so I ended up walking into Dorothea & co ‘s dorm thinking it was my own
edel_gard: ah
_bernie_: I’m just glad you weren’t an intruder!!
let.me.sleep: well, my apologies anyway. I’ll try not to do it again.
- i.am.ferdinand to PrettyBitch @ 5:11pm -
i.am.ferdinand: I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier Dorothea
PrettyBitch: it’s ok ferdie
PrettyBitch: I’m guessing there’s… something going on then?
i.am.ferdinand: yes
PrettyBitch: and u wanna talk about it?
i.am.ferdinand: I think so
PrettyBitch: sooooo…
PrettyBitch: what’s up with u and linhardt?
i.am.ferdinand: I needed to talk to him separately
i.am.ferdinand: because
i.am.ferdinand: well
i.am.ferdinand: he actually did come back into our dorm first
i.am.ferdinand: he didn’t wander into yours by mistake
i.am.ferdinand: but
i.am.ferdinand: uh
PrettyBitch: it’s ok ferdie
PrettyBitch: whatever it is, you can tell me
i.am.ferdinand: ok
i.am.ferdinand: here goes
i.am.ferdinand: so Linhardt came back after being out for the day
i.am.ferdinand: I don’t know where he’d been
i.am.ferdinand: that’s not important actually
i.am.ferdinand: that’s not related to what I need to tell you
i.am.ferdinand: um
i.am.ferdinand: so he came into our dorm
i.am.ferdinand: and
i.am.ferdinand: I was there
i.am.ferdinand: well I’m still there
i.am.ferdinand: anyway
i.am.ferdinand: um
i.am.ferdinand: I was there with someone
PrettyBitch: ferdie is this going where I think it’s going?
i.am.ferdinand: um
PrettyBitch: this ‘someone’ was the guest from earlier, yes?
i.am.ferdinand: yes… it was
i.am.ferdinand: so
i.am.ferdinand: uh
PrettyBitch: and Linhardt saw you…
i.am.ferdinand: just um
i.am.ferdinand: kissing
i.am.ferdinand: on the sofa
PrettyBitch: that’s it?
i.am.ferdinand: yes
i.am.ferdinand: Linhardt saw us then turned back round and left
i.am.ferdinand: went to your place I guess
i.am.ferdinand: and just fell asleep on your sofa
PrettyBitch: hm
PrettyBitch: ok then
PrettyBitch: so are u going to tell me?
i.am.ferdinand: what?
PrettyBitch: who the girl is!
i.am.ferdinand: oh um
i.am.ferdinand: well
i.am.ferdinand: that’s the thing I wasn’t looking forward to talking about
i.am.ferdinand: just
i.am.ferdinand: um
i.am.ferdinand: Dorothea
PrettyBitch: yeah?
i.am.ferdinand: I
i.am.ferdinand: I’m gay
PrettyBitch: oh
PrettyBitch: oh my god
PrettyBitch: holy shit ferdie I’m so sorry I’ve been calling them a girl this whole time
PrettyBitch: shitshitshit
PrettyBitch: ferdie I love you
PrettyBitch: platonically!
PrettyBitch: shit
PrettyBitch: ferdie?
i.am.ferdinand: sorry just crying
PrettyBitch: I’m coming to ur dorm right now ferdie
PrettyBitch: I need to hug you.
PrettyBitch: wait
PrettyBitch: ur ‘guest’
PrettyBitch: is he
i.am.ferdinand: he left
i.am.ferdinand: hugs please
PrettyBitch: on my way <3
- Black Eagles Groupchat @ 2:58am -
urlocalshortboi: agxgdkjzlsljz
urlocalshortboi: [sent an image]
urlocalshortboi: [sent an image]
urlocalshortboi: [sent an image]
urlocalshortboi: [sent an image]
- Black Eagles Groupchat @ 9:45am -
edel_gard: ummm Caspar?
edel_gard: what on earth were those pictures?
PrettyBitch: yeah wtf
urlocalshortboi: [deleted 5 messages]
PetraMacneary: Caspar, I believe we all saw those images. Deleting them now has little effectiveness.
PrettyBitch: I screenshotted them anyway caspar lmao
PrettyBitch: [sent an image]
PrettyBitch: [sent an image]
PrettyBitch: [sent an image]
PrettyBitch: [sent an image]
i.am.ferdinand: Dorothea, out here doing the lords work
PrettyBitch: naturally
edel_gard: guess it’s time to over analyse them then
edel_gard: sorry Caspar
urlocalshortboi: …
PrettyBitch: so that first photo
PrettyBitch: honestly just a blurry mess
PrettyBitch: but it looks like you?
i.am.ferdinand: definitely, that blue hair is unmistakably Caspar
PrettyBitch: then the second and third pics
PrettyBitch: a blurry caspar again
PrettyBitch: ...holding something?
PrettyBitch: what even is that
i.am.ferdinand: hmm
edel_gard: wait a minute
edel_gard: I think it’s a bottle
i.am.ferdinand: guys look at the third picture
i.am.ferdinand: you can see it better
i.am.ferdinand: that label on the bottle…
PrettyBitch: OMG
PrettyBitch: CASPAR IS THAT A FUCKING VODKA BOTTLE
urlocalshortboi: perhaps
edel_gard: ok and that last photo
i.am.ferdinand: is that your face Caspar? I can’t tell.
let.me.sleep: no that’s me
urlocalshortboi: oh Lin! I didn’t know you were up
let.me.sleep: well I wouldn’t say I’m “up” exactly
let.me.sleep: I’m still very much on the floor
urlocalshortboi: hang on Lin I’ll bring you some water
PrettyBitch: wait r u at caspar’s dorm linhardt?
let.me.sleep: ye
let.me.sleep: s
- Black Eagles Groupchat @ 9:59am -
urlocalshortboi: [sent a video]
[Video Starts:]
Caspar (groggily): Heyyyy guys.
(The camera is pointing down at his feet as he walks from his kitchen into his bedroom.)
Caspar: We drank a bit… too much. Last night. Ugh.
(He enters his bedroom and pans the camera up slightly to show Linhardt, who’s lying face down on the floor.)
Caspar: Yo Lin. Water.
(Linhardt rolls over and looks directly at the camera, before addressing Caspar:)
Linhardt: Don’t ever ask me to drink with you again.
(Caspar laughs then starts to cough. The camera shakes.)
[Video Ends]
_bernie_: this group chat is too wild
PrettyBitch: aw but it’s funny bernie
_bernie_: not really...
urlocalshortboi: so I have a shitty hangover
let.me.sleep: [sent a video]
[Video Starts:]
Linhardt: We both have shitty hangovers.
(He coughs.)
[Video Ends]
PrettyBitch: gasp linhardt since when do you swear
edel_gard: and since when do you drink??
let.me.sleep: Caspar is laughing at me now
urlocalshortboi: am not
let.me.sleep: am too
PetraMacneary: I agree with Bernadetta, this group texting is absurd.
i.am.ferdinand: hate to bring it up, but I have an english lit lecture at 11
i.am.ferdinand: and if I’m not mistaken, Linhardt, you are in my class.
urlocalshortboi: aaaaaahahahaaahaha
let.me.sleep: hhhhhhhhh
PetraMacneary: I advise that you get ready for that Linhardt.
let.me.sleep: that requires getting up
PetraMacneary: Lectures are important for your education.
PrettyBitch: well
urlocalshortboi: nonono she’s right
urlocalshortboi: Linhardt MUST get up now and be on time for the lecture
urlocalshortboi: lmaoooo he told me to fuck off
edel_gard: don't you just love friendship
i.am.ferdinand: see you at the lecture, Linhardt…