Chapter Text
It’s been a week since the fall of David Prentiss and the same day we brought Todd back to the Land. I watch him sitting there by himself, covered by hand made blanket of wool. The tent they share for us especially for Todd is equipped with fireplace. Every two days they replace the new sticks and bricks from the wood but they always come in pitch silence. Not even a slight peek of glance. As if, their leader ask them so. But, I always try to be more open rather than cautious. They’ve been good enough to show us compassion.
The color of fire and his cocoon are enough to warm him from the snow cold. His feature has become so much mature than before I left him. There’s a sense of guilt and also proud in myself. But, that is the battle I must dwell. And, I have to keep steady and be strong for him. ‘Everything is going to be fine.’ I always remember those words coming from somebody whose body and face I can’t physically in touch with anymore. But, his Noise still lingers within me even after I die. ‘Nothing is stronger than love, Ben.’ Yes, you’re always right, Cillian.
Moreover, my son’s one of particular, refuses to leave Todd’s side since that day. She stays closely, while reading chapters of chapters from his Ma book. Before I take steps to stop her from her newly morning routine, somebody opens his Noise at me.
The Sky. Or, Todd calls him as 1017.
I open the tent’s burrow and look around to see him just standing quite far from our tent among the other Spackles who work in clustered group. He nods and walks away as if I have to follow his track. He shows me the direcchsun and it’s behind the trees near the riverbank. The crystal icing is fully made from the water pond but it’s structurally weak. I see him stop right before we reach the river. Honestly, I get little bit shivering.
‘How is The Knife?’
He means Todd. ‘His wound heals faster than we predict. It’s a good sign.’
He looks down and breathes out some cold air. I never know that Spackle could also feel freeze.
‘How close the New Clearings with us now?’
I sigh. Not a grumpy nor heavy sigh. Just a sigh. ‘Call them new settlers, please. We try as much as we can to avoid the old terms, okay? And, based on Bradley’s ship comm, they probably reach the outer atmosphere in ten more days.’
It looks weird but also interesting how we speak the entire time. Our lips are sealed close but the twitch on my face is visible enough to make him shuddered. Seeing how he reacts, I blow some puffy air and smile.
“Trust me, everything will be fine.” I try my best to articulate each words with my tongue and teeth. This will always be my mantra to calm my heart, mind and soul. And it’s hard not too remember Cillian’s face while he says ‘em in my Noise. The Sky sees what my Noise pictures out and his face softens a bit.
‘We used to build wooden house before the Land gets colder. Me and my one of particular. He taught me how to make the nest by collecting the oak’s lath and also sew the cloth. Mostly, he did the rough part and I just sat there watching him cutting the tree.’
It’s the first time I hear him talking through his Noise in more than ten words. Though he avoids my reachsuun and only watch the icing pond in front of us, I see clearly how stormy his Noise right now. Not only just words from his head, I’m also greeted by memories playing like old video. It’s all black and white but enough to me to understand the whole scenes. The snowflakes fall from above and touch the tip of his nose. I deliberately sightsee the surrounding from his point of view.
‘There’re many of us before the Clearing’s Leader reached the Land and exterminate us. But, long before that, I live my life with my one of particular in peace. I’m not part of any Spackle tribe. That’s why when I finally come back to the Land, the previous Sky called me as The Return. Yet, I don’t feel belong to anywhere. Among the Spackles I used to live, my Noise speaks too bright and they dislike it. But, my one of particular is different. He accepts me as who I am. And, it’s enough for me.’
He continues but somehow the color scheme from his Noise changes. ‘Was your one of particular also the same?’
Actually, I can’t answer his question. I might have known Cillian before the settlement plan. We were just bunch of brats when we’re still in Old World. I study chemical engineering while he spends his time to do practical farming. I used to believe his routine is a boring job but likely it’s indeed a skill we need to stay alive in New World. However, I never realize how I feel toward him not until Todd’s Ma encourages me to do so. And after the Noise and everything, I finally know how to secure my bond with him. For the sake of Todd. Perhaps, the conflicted feeling I have for him comes from various emotions. Half of them are pure love, pleasure, and lust. But mostly it’s just a feeling to belong.
My face gets warm as soon as I remember specific moment I have with Cillian. I hear his Noise are puzzled a bit. But he understands and chuckles.
Instead, I answer. ‘But now you’re their Sky now. Being a leader doesn’t mean you have to be like ‘em. You just need to listen to ‘em. And voicing ‘em out. Now is the best opportunity.’
‘I’m still learning to do it all. With the help of the Land. And this Pathway will teach me how to do so either. And, I still need The Source’s help.’
He looks at me. With a strong stare. ‘I will do what I’m capable to do to preserve the peace we try to build now.’
‘Then, let me have a speak to the other settlers down the hill.’
I notice he doesn’t use the Clearing word anymore and he seems struggling. “You mean Bradley?” I ask without using my Noise.
‘No. The others.’
I have no idea but I smile brightly. Even though there’re still fight twirling beyond his Noise and heart right now, he faces it like a strong warrior. This particular Spackle is truly an odd but he’s a good one. I welcome his last pronouncement happily.
We come back through the same track he takes before. The tiny snowballs fall again and the coldness start to emanate from the tip of my nose. Just like the first image I see inside his Noise. Somehow, it’s blurry but he feels safe and sound whenever he’s with his one of particular. When I look above, perhaps the new settlers are watching us now. Not us in literal word but how tiny this New World beyond their window glass. Meeting new people is sure a good deed. And no matter how terrible our past was, there’d be some people stay with us and listen to us. And, I’m looking forward to it.
‘Do you think how long Todd’s one of particular will despise me?’
His sudden Noise stop my footsteps. It sounds awfully torn. ‘Human will learn how to cope with their personal resentment. It will melt as time flows. Trust me.’
‘How about Todd? When he wakes up, will he... will he despise me?’
I pat his shoulder to recollect his thought in straight line. To assure him my answer is always the same. ‘Todd will also learn to forgive. It’s basic lesson as human being.’
‘And by torturing yourself to leave your wound untreated will not lessen your guilt. I want both you and Todd to be in the same track someday.’
I see some doubtfulness through his Noise. But, he tries to stop the chaos with a bit hope.
‘I see.’
He leaves and goes forward. He makes mistakes and he wants to redeem it. And the path he chooses is a small step to the bigger one. Everyone grows up, so do I. I huff again and whispering Cillian’s name in the middle of it. Calling his name while praying to no more grief, lost or bloodshed. Wondering if he also watches us from somewhere out there.
I come back soon later to our tent before the snow gets heavier. I find Viola asleep on her own chair with one arm holding her chin up. Through the faint light, I see black circle under her eyes. Waiting for Todd patiently. There’s small thud sound from her lap when she almost drops Todd’s Ma diary. I catch ‘em before she awakes.
My son. I repeat it. Seeing him just sit alone with his puzzle Noise pierces my heart. I stroke his head with my palm while humming his baby song.
Early one morning,
Just as the sun was rising,
I heard a young maid sing,
In the valley bellow.
Oh, don’t deceive me.
Oh, never leave me,
How could you use
A poor maiden so?
And when the song ends, I repeat the same hum. And I feel salt water falling from my eyes. Taste ‘em through my tongue. I give a peck of kiss on my son’s forehead and sensing a small glitch from his head. He fights so hard to respond me. To anything that comes from around him. If he’s himself right now, he probably get embarassed and yell at me or Cillian. He just needs to know how much our love has grown for him. Everlasting.
But, I will wait. Always do it. I can wait for thirteen years and I will wait for another thirteen years if it’s a must.
I open my Noise to him. Showing him how I still keep those memories like a photo album inside my head. Having him for the first time as our son, hugging him when he cries for mother’s touch, together with Cillian dealing with his tantrum, catching the crickets when summer comes, baking tart for his ten birthday, and so many after. I only send to him the ones he needs to awaken his senses back. Those images struck him like a bolt of lightning. He moves his eyelids couple times and I see him slightly frowning too.
His Ma diary feels heavy on my hand. I pull the chair to sit at his left side while Viola’s still sleeping at the opposite side. This book is disheveled than before and the wiritings almost unreckonize. The hole from where the Spackle’s blade still on it. But, it amazes me when I open it and stop at random page.
‘Ben—shy. Fireflies.’
It’s so confusing. Most of the words are disorganize. But I see my name written on the first line of the page.
‘Cillian—prick. He runs. I chase him. See Ben! I said.’
There’s more.
‘They kiss!’
I gasp and close the book immediately. For the confidentiality purpose, I promise to myself not to read the entire things Todd’s Ma writings on her diary.
But, no need to be ashamed of, I think. So, I decide to unwrap the memories I cherish the most to him. I just have no idea I choose the most painful yet very memorable one.
***
The Spackles war only gives sorrow and grief. We mourn for the lost but we know the best nobody wins in this war. Ever since David Prentiss declares the movement, the women from our town have better opinions. Their insight is much sharper than any men on this land. It’s able to drive the both parties torn apart. I was in the middle of everything and merely in state to make no decision. But whenever I see Cillian’s face, I know what option I have to take.
Mary, forgive me.
Mary, forgive me.
I run and keep running. Never stop even this tiny human in my arm crying and begging for his Ma. I fall but the baby is still in my arms. There’s no time to think and just run. The wound in my knee and arm are not compared to what those women have been fighting for. They call themselves as The Answer while the men will always ask too much so the law settle it. They’ve become The Ask.
First, they murder Jack Hewitt and covering it up with cheap lies. Not until The Answer assemble together to start the rebellion. It’s never be the Spackles’ fault. It always the men’ fault. And as man of my own, I feel ashamed.
We hear cries everywhere. Our Noise is crippled like thunder blast. It’s so painful to watch, to hear or to feel. But I’m still running and promise to never stop until I find Cillian.
‘Promise me always, Ben. Promise me you will look after my baby.’
‘Live! Stay live! For me! For Todd! For all of us!’
I close my eyelids tightly. Remembering each words Mary yell at me before her Noise forces me to run from the cathedral. Everything burns. Fire raging. Like a mad lava.
Cillian fights along with the rest of The Answer at the border but my Noise detects how scared he is right now. We can calculate the result very well. The flag of freedom is still not in our side but it doesn’t mean we lost. There will be time to regain back what we deserve although it takes thirteen years.
Cillian. Cillian. Cillian!
Todd’s cry never stop and my effort to shush him looks so meaningless. By the time I finally reach the border, I hear a gigantic bombing sound from the city hall. They really aim to eliminate all the woman in this town. They’re losing their mind because of the Noise—no—because of the greed that lures him to take over the land. To perish the Spackles pack at once.
Live or die.
Live or die.
Live or die.
“Cillian!”
Smell of burning flesh and ashes clog my nostril so it starts hard to breathe. I strengthen my arm to keep Todd safe from the heat. His crying pierces my heart. In a lone confusion, I shout Cillian’s name over and over again until I break my own vocal cord. One of the woman who holds the riffle in her hand comes all the way in front of me. I think she sees me with baby Todd and runs toward us. I hear a metal clink and bullet snipes but I don’t know where the they come from. The woman protects us and shots the man who hides behind the big storehouse.
‘I see Cillian Boyd at the slaughter house! He’s probably still there!’
She sends her Noise in strong hurl at me.
Slaughter house. Slaughter house. Slaughter house. I keep repeating in my brain. So I run and run. Giving a slight nod to the woman who I don’t get too familiar with. Perhaps she’s from another town. I hope she could stay alive.
I feel burnt sensation on my foot. It feels it’s going to melt with the hard pebbles beneath it. It’s so painful. But, I’m still running.
The border is clear now. Much of it restrainted by square wooden fences. There’s a huge stock house before we reach the riverbank and towns people usually slaughter their stocks inside. But it’s now covered in red fire and the men’ Noises mix into chaotic film. I feel Cillian’s Noise there.
“Cillian!”
He sees me. Dead bodies are everywhere. His face is tainted with red blood and mud. I have no idea how many he’s killed today. Todd is still with me but I have to hide him in safest place. Unfortunately, there’s no single safe place in this dying town. I stop running for awhile to contemplate the whole scenery. Cillian breathes in rush. His Noise colors in of combination of regret, sorrow and anger. He just stand there alone while holding his precious riffle. Then I see him falling to his knees. I push my feet to walk to where he is but they feel so heavy. Probably my heart makes it so. My tears also taste like salt water.
“Benison Moore! Traitor!”
A mad man finds us and he may follow my paths ever since Todd and I left the storehouse. He points his gun in trembling even when he’s badly injured. His Noise is opened like a beast at me. He’s really going nuts. I rotate to look at him while giving him menacing looks. Bursting a loud Noise at him. Cillian’s still there but he can’t do nothing. I tell him to stay there. He’s seen too many painful deaths today and it’s also my duty to protect what I cherish most in my life. My beating heart.
I grab the blade from my back. The crazy dude already points his gun at me and only needs milisecs before both me and Todd die from bullets. But, I’ll make sure he will never aim at anything cuz I throw my blade first. He cries in horrid when blood spurts from his neck and fainted on the ground. I don’t blink nor breath minutes after. The world start spining so bad and I must fall on my feet. But, all I feel is a familiar body heat. Like a home.
In between my unconsciousness, I see solid gray sky with multiple clowny clouds. We’re surrounded by dandelions but our attention never leave above. I find Mary with Todd in her arms. The baby looks so calm even though his Ma only ignores him. I notice so many familiar faces showing there. Jack Hewitt is one of them. They all look at the same direction. At the sky. It feels so confusing for me. Why it’s only me who seems to less care with the sky up there. I try to move my feet but a sudden grasp holding me from my left side. I see his broad shoulder and sunburn on his cheeks. Dots of light appears slowly and makes a widespread of golden layer. Then, everybody disappears. It’s only me and this man.
Ben?
He calls my name.
“Ben?”
Now, it sounds much clear.
I open my eyelids and see a pair of blue eyes. A baby snuggles on my chest.
“Pie or waffle?”
Huh?
How long I’ve been asleep? Or, is this another dream? I thought we’re still in—
“Bad dream again? After our long night fun? I think I must ask for apology if you can’t walk properly again. Sorry. But, I love you.”
I still can’t catch the whole things.
“Todd wakes up earlier and his crying ugh filling my Noise with his this and that matters. Y’kno, baby. His Noise only makes color or unidentified roars? Yeah, that’s him. Our cheeky baby son. Todd Hewitt.”
This man is done with his clothes and taking back the baby from my chest. Holding him like his own son. I think I may give him perplexed looks. He scoffs. “Take your time then.” He kisses my forhead. “I’ll go downstair and preparing our breakfast. After that we better hurry milking the cows. It’s the season.”
Then, they both share funny talks. The baby only says ‘da’ or ‘yaah’ but the joy this man has inside his Noise is so bright. It fills my Noise with so much happiness. I can’t understand myself the tears I suddenly burst in silence. It’s been a very long time ago ‘till I almost forget. The dream of old memories.
Cillian Boyd. I know this man’s name. He comes back at me and sit there at the side of my bed. He puts the baby back on my lap. Pair of his blue gaze wants to sneak through my mind. He lifts his hand to caress my cheek. It’s still wet from tears. He speaks thereafter. “I love you. We love you.”
A very simple word. It warms my Noise.
“Ma! Pa!” shouts the baby.
No matter how far I run, I finally understand to where I should belong. To Cillian and to Todd Hewitt. So, no matter how far they leave, my Noise always reaches them. Always.
THE END