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Can an angel Fall for loving a demon?
Aziraphale doesn’t know the answer.
No, perhaps not.
Perhaps he is safe, as long as he doesn’t give in to his sinful desires; as long as he pretends to ignore the wanton gaze Crowley gives him time and time again; as long as he doesn’t feed the hunger that eats away at him as he watches Crowley do the simplest things, like smile or drink or walk.
Damn his walk.
Who knew that such an innocent act could turn into a seduction, a temptation, an invitation; the reason Aziraphale has to close his eyes and take a deep breath every time Crowley happens to be near him, just to remind his corporal body that he shouldn’t give in to the yearning that he feels; that he shouldn’t feel this way in the first place; no, not with this passion, not with this ferocity, no, please, dear God.
He wonders if it’s part of God’s Great Plan. It very well could be; at least that’s how Aziraphale chooses to calm himself. It’s ineffable, he says to himself, repeating it like a mantra every time his feelings threaten to crawl out of his heart, through his chest, and out of his lips. Aziraphale dreads the day his body betrays him; the day his tongue says enough, the day he stabs himself in the back and reveals himself to Crowley against his better judgment.
I love you, I love you, I love you…
Not that Crowley doesn’t know. Oh, he knows. Otherwise, he wouldn’t tempt Aziraphale into spending so much time with him; he wouldn’t purposefully dress in a way he knows Aziraphale finds undeniable; he wouldn’t have saved Aziraphale more times throughout history than there are stars in the cosmos.
The stars. Crowley helped create them – Aziraphale likes to think that is the reason for their magnificence – and when he offers to run off to Alpha Centauri together, Aziraphale wants to say yes. He wants it more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life but he just can’t. He is an angel after all, even if he wants nothing to do with Heaven anymore. He can’t abandon humanity, not even for Crowley.
That is precisely the problem. Aziraphale would give his life for Crowley and Crowley would give his life for Aziraphale but that makes them both traitors, rebels, liabilities. If someone were to find out…
They have to keep the delicate balance, the status quo, the Arrangement, which has an unspoken clause: love me, love me, love me, but keep it to yourself, no matter what it takes.
Even after stopping Armageddon, Aziraphale can’t rid himself of the uncomfortable feeling that someone is watching, and if he were to reach out and interlock his fingers with Crowley’s, they would both explode and be reduced to a thousand pieces of ash and dust within a millisecond.
Crowley tries to ease his fears; gently, patiently. Unlike Aziraphale, he isn’t scared anymore.
Trust me, trust me, trust me, Crowley pleads. Then kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.
Aziraphale does.
The Universe holds its breath.