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Bucky darted his eyes between Clint and Sam.
“Let me get this straight,” he said. “You,” he pointed at Clint, “want to challenge Steve and Tony to a cooking contest? Have you lost your damn mind?”
“Oh, come on, James,” Pepper said from her corner of the booth. “There hasn’t been a mission in weeks and Tony is driving the entire R&D team insane with his… well, by being himself, and I could use about three days of peace and quiet with them to get some paperwork sorted. Plus, I promise to not let them give any of us food poisoning. You in?”
“And they’ll have no idea we’re all fucking with them?” Bucky clarified.
The plan was - to Bucky’s mind - just ridiculous enough for his boyfriends to fall for it, but he had to make sure. Because while they usually only had one brain cell to rub together when it came to people-based problems, that one brain cell did still belong to a genius and a super solider.
“Since Nat is going to be the one to issue the challenge, no, I don’t think so,” Sam concluded. “They know she can bake, we all know that, but they don’t know she worked for six months at Aquavit as part of a sting once.”
“I’m assuming I’m supposed to be impressed by that?”
Pepper smirked. “Tony will fall off his chair when we tell him. I will bet you $10.”
“You’re on, sugar,” Bucky said. “Okay, sure, I’m bored. What do you need me to do?”
___________
“Are you scared?” Bucky raised an eyebrow at Tony, who had been ranting about the cooking challenge Clint had laid down that night at dinner.
“$50 entry fee, the cash goes to the Avengers charity fund, and winner gets to plan team bonding activities for two months.”
“Please,” Nat had scoffed. “I’ll wipe the floor with all of you.”
“You burn water!” Tony exclaimed. “I’m in, I have my mom’s gravy recipe I can work with.”
“That you’ve never actually succeeded in making?” Steve quirked an eyebrow.
“Fuck off, Rogers, what can you do?” Tony retorted and Bucky had to fight to not look at Pepper.
“Stew.”
“Fine, we’re in, who else?” Tony glared around the table.
“I will crush you all,” Sam replied and the smack talk continued until it was decided everyone would cook but Pepper, who would be the judge, and Bucky, who would be in charge of first aid, since they all agreed that Tony would probably light something on fire and Steve would cut himself and they all knew that the serum had limits.
“No, I am not scared,” Tony sneered the last word. “I just may have forgotten how to do the thing with the tomatoes she used to do.”
“So you’re scared you’re going to lose,” Bucky corrected.
“I don’t lose, James,” Tony corrected.
“Oh, forgive me, Iron Perfection,” Bucky said with fake affront. “I forgot you weren’t human.”
Tony glared at him, but Bucky just cracked up laughing. “Babe, it is a fun thing we’re doing, it is not the Korean War.”
“Have you met our friends? Everything is the Korean War. Which, random war, by the way, are you binging History Channel again?”
“No, M*A*S*H. I missed some stuff when I was a murder puppet,” Bucky replied.
Tony gave him that look that he always did when Bucky made light of his Hyrdraized life, and Bucky ignored it, just like he always did.
“Well,” Tony continued. “I’m going to win.”
“Of course you are, chicken,” Bucky said affectionately, “of course you are.”
___________
Pepper decreed that everyone would cook in their own apartments - with strict monitoring by Jarvis to make sure the whole thing was, in fact, homemade - but that the eating would be in Steve, Tony, and Bucky’s dining room. The competition had evolved into a competition/potluck, with Pepper’s promise that they’d order pizza if everything was inedible.
First up to be judged was Sam’s crab cakes which… resembled food? Pepper managed to find one portion that wasn’t quite the texture of a hockey puck. She was polite, Sam would give her that much.
The next was Clint’s version of Kansas City barbecue, which was more successful than anyone predicted. He did, however, somehow manage to wear most of the sauce, which Bucky initially interpreted as blood and that was awkward.
Tony presented his spaghetti next. The sauce, Pepper admitted, was good, but as she crunched her way through his pasta, she suggested he let it boil a little longer next time.
Steve’s stew was… burned. Steve somehow managed to burn water and beef broth. “You tried, Cap,” Pepper’s voice was gentle, even as his boyfriends howled with laughter.
Finally, with a face as straight as an arrow, Nat presented her offering to the competition.
Tony’s jaw dropped. “Is that-”
“Herring with kavring, yes, and then the second plate is a pork shoulder with broccoli rabe and white asparagus, since Tony is the only one here who eats pickled herring.”
Tony stared at her, eyes narrowing. “You know Marcus?”
Nat let a small smile creep across her face. “He let me work with him at Aquavit for a bit while I was at SHIELD for a mission.”
“You sneaky bitch,” Tony said, his voice heavy with admiration, reaching for his wallet.
Pepper took a small bite of the pork shoulder and nodded. “Nat wins, everyone pay up.”
___________
“You knew, didn’t you,” Steve said to Bucky when the three boyfriends were alone later.
“She only knows how to cook those two dishes, she told me, but you were supposed to fall off your chair,” Bucky pointed to Tony. “You lost Pepper $10.”
“I’ll make it up to her,” Tony waved his hand in the air.
“So you let us go into this, knowing we’d embarrass ourselves?” Steve clarified.
Bucky grinned. “You could have said no, punk.”
Tony snorted from his side of the bed. “Yeah, like Captain Punch A Lot over here has any idea how to do that.”
“Two months,” Steve lamented. “Two months of Nat’s ideas of fun.”
“Again, you could have said no,” Bucky kissed Steve’s temple. “But my baby can’t run away from a challenge, even a stupid one he has zero chance of winning, so yes, I took full advantage. I charged Nat 2 of her sessions to get me to play along, though.”
“Like you’re any better!” Tony huffed. “We’re all getting mani/pedis again aren’t we?”
“And going to a crochet class,” Bucky grinned with glee, to a collective round of groans.
One brain cell between ‘em, Bucky smiled to himself. God, I love these idiots.