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When Allison had seen Nathan in Section 5, about to walk into a hazardous area and do something that may well have gotten him killed, she’d been terrified. All the love she still felt for him came bubbling up and she’d told him that she needed him, that he hadn’t lost her. Her plea had been able to reach him, even through the grips of his obsession, and having him admit out loud that he needed her too was both a thrill and an affirmation.
But that had been three days ago.
Now that the adrenaline of the moment had worn off (and any lingering effects from Seth’s plants), she was second-guessing those heartfelt declarations. It was clear that she still loved him, and maybe he still loved her – but was that enough? She remembered the argument they’d had while they were both under the plant’s influence, the familiar sets of barbs running together like well-worn paths pounded into the dirt. Was that how they both truly felt underneath that love and “need” for each other that they’d just re-affirmed?
For that matter, it also didn’t feel quite so thrilling and romantic anymore to be the only one able to draw Nathan back from the brink. She hadn’t signed up to be his keeper or his conscience. The idea that he could kill himself in his pursuit of scientific answers without her there to anchor him was not a responsibility she wanted.
Of course, that was assuming he even let her hold him back from his precious science, and his actions from the night before the town went crazy certainly indicated otherwise. And hadn’t that been the biggest red flag of all? Nathan’s warm, and seemingly spontaneous, gesture of a romantic family dinner had turned out to be merely an attempt to soften her up about supporting his latest scientific obsession. Regardless of anything he might claim, it was clear in that moment that Nathan wasn’t going to change. This also meant that all of their previous marital problems weren’t magically going to disappear just because he was trying to woo her back. Especially since it often seemed to Allison that his wooing was more about keeping her away from Jack than about actually keeping her.
It was also rather telling that when she had lost her inhibitions, it was Carter at whom she’d thrown herself. Sure, he had been the one she’d seen first, but she could have chosen to track down Nathan – but didn’t. It cast doubts on whether Nathan still held all of her heart. If she chose Nathan, would she always wonder if Jack was truly her secret desire? She remembered the dramatic kiss from before the Lise Meitner dance quite vividly. Jack may have been purposely trying to incite Nathan’s jealousy in order to destroy the nanobot clones, but it had still been quite some kiss.
A kiss she done nothing about, as it seemed that every time she took a step towards Jack she got pulled back into Nathan’s orbit. Or vice versa.
Beverly might not have been herself when she said it, but the other woman had been right that Allison needed to make a choice and stick to it. Nathan and Jack had both made overtures and the ball was in her court now. She couldn’t continue to leave both men hanging indefinitely, and if she chose one, she couldn’t expect the other one to wait around – even if she ultimately regretted her choice.
It came down to this: Nathan was a known quantity. She recalled the passion they’d shared, the way he cared for Kevin, the spontaneous sweet gestures, the security and home he’d provided. But she also remembered the passionate arguments, the hidden agendas, and the fact that he was rarely there to share that home. Despite Nathan’s attempts to convince her otherwise, none of those factors were likely to change. Embracing the good would also mean accepting all the bad, and this time she’d be going into it with eyes wide-open.
Jack, on the other hand, was sweet and funny. She imagined that might translate into spontaneous romantic gestures that didn’t mask ulterior motives. He had bonded amazingly well with Kevin during their infrequent interactions and she expected that he’d continue to be just as gentle and accepting. Jack would undoubtedly provide a rather different type of home and sense of security, but she hoped that he would actually be there to share it with her. The problem was that Jack was an unknown quantity and all of those imaginings were just conjectures. Jack was as equally dedicated to his work as Nathan – would he be able (and willing) to have a healthy work-life balance? He also wasn’t a scientist, and while Allison admired how he often found the solutions the geniuses around him overlooked, she had always prioritized intelligence in her former relationships. Would she eventually become frustrated by his lack of understanding and knowledge? She didn’t know the answers to those questions, and she was afraid of guessing wrong.
But when did she start letting herself be strangled by indecision and fear? She was Dr. Allison Blake. At work, she prided herself on being able to weigh the options and make informed and rational decisions under pressure. Maybe she needed to apply the same philosophy to her personal life. Romance may be far more subjective, but it called for no less decisiveness.
It was time to stop waffling, thinking of the might-have-beens and the what-might-happens. It was time to make her choice.