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I don’t really remember much from before I was five, but I assume it was a somewhat happy home. Because when I was six the yelling started, and before the year was up, I was living alone with my mom in a dingy apartment that she could barely afford while my dad fucked off and never paid her any child support. A+ parenting, Dad.
But I was happy, and my mom was happy and we lived together in peace for years. Dad swung around every so often to try and pretend like he was a good dad, but he never stayed longer than an hour. Which made mom upset, and I hated seeing her upset. And she was upset, because I was upset so I quickly learned to put on a happy face and pretend that life was peachy.
Things took a drastic change when I turned twelve. It was Christmas time and it was storming like crazy. Snow covered the streets and it was difficult to even see across the street from the front window.
Mom had gone out grocery shopping and hadn’t realized the weather was supposed to get bad. There had already been some snow, but it was snow that was bearable and easy to drive in. And as the time ticked by, I continued to grow more and more worried.
I will say this — a lot of different things go through your mind when you answer the door to find two police officers looking at you.
First thing that came in to my head was, oh god, what did I do? But I was twelve, what could I have done! I hadn’t left the apartment in two days because of the weather, so unless I went and killed a couple people in my sleep, I couldn’t have done anything.
Second thing that ran into my head was, oh god, I don’t know where my dad is! Don’t question me about my father when I don’t know about his whereabouts. I don’t know anything. Hey, wait, why are you cuffing me! I am not lying, don’t arrest me!
Either of those would have been better than what I received.
December twentieth, my mom died driving home from the grocery store. Not much was left of the car as she was t-boned by a pickup truck that was skidding over black ice. There was no suffering as she died on impact and for some reason people kept telling me that to make me feel better.
Yes, sure, she didn’t suffer but I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I didn’t get a chance to tell her how much I appreciated her taking care of me by herself. I didn’t get a chance to tell her how much I loved her. The last thing I said to her was, ‘See ya later, Ma!’ and that was that.
So by December twenty-first, I was living with my dad in a rather nice condo. The asshole was hoarding all his money to live a nice life with a home overlooking water. And my room was far nicer than the one in the apartment I lived in with my mother, and far too sophisticated for any twelve year old. But there was nothing I could do, and so I dealt.
My room was on the opposite end of the condo from my father’s, so it gave me a sense of privacy. I even had my very own balcony, which had a table and chair outside. The way it was situated, I was around the corner from both the living room and the master bedroom’s balconies, so it ended up being a place where I went to sit and think.
The years ticked on and I continued living with my dad. Any time I could spend at Armin or Mikasa’s houses, I was there. It wasn’t that my dad was even a terrible person, or violent towards me in any way. He fed me, and he bought me clothes until I got my first job, but he just didn’t seem to care that I was there or what I did with my life. I was more of a roommate than a son. He signed my papers for high school field trips and report cards. He did the bare minimum when it came to parenting. And I dealt with it.
He didn’t care what I did. He didn’t care when I decided to tell him I was gay. He didn’t care when he accidentally walked in on me and my first boyfriend, Jean, making out in the front hallway when I was sixteen. He didn’t say a word.
It was while he was on a business trip after I had turned eighteen that things started to change. My boyfriend of the past year and a half had admitted to cheating on me with his best friend in the same day that third term report cards were issued. I lost a boyfriend, and I was failing half of my classes.
And so, upon arriving home, I went to my favourite place to sit and think. The weather was getting warmer as spring was starting and I sat back in my chair with my legs up on the balcony’s railing. Tears continued to stream down my cheeks as I thought of everything that had happened.
Jean was my first in all things that mattered and he threw them away. I wasn’t sure if I had loved him, but I sure as hell felt hate. And it was late nights with him that caused my marks to drop to the seventh layer of hell.
“There has to be a good reason as to why a young boy like yourself is crying outside.”
I jumped in my chair and turned my head towards where the voice came from. An older man that I had never seen before looked back at me with a soft smile and bright blue eyes. And his eyes widened slightly as mine met with his. His blond hair was parted neatly, aside from a few strands poking up from the breeze. It took me a moment to find my voice, having lost it from seeing this beautiful creature.
“I-I…I have lots of reasons.” I muttered, forcing myself to turn away from the man.
I heard him shuffle a bit on his balcony before a quiet sigh. I glanced over through the railings to see that he had sat down.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, his voice was smooth and kind.
“I don’t even know you.”
The man on the balcony next to mine chuckled softly and I could see him nodding out of the corner of my eye.
“That is true. And you were always taught not to talk to strangers, correct?” he asked as he turned his head towards me.
“Yes…”
“Well, my name is Erwin. What is your name?”
I dropped my legs from the railing and sat up in the chair before turning towards him. “Eren.”
“Alright, Eren. We are no longer strangers.”
And that is how it began. Our meetings would take place periodically on the balcony after I was out of school. I learned he was the chief of police from a few towns over and had been moved up here a month or two ago. In turn, I told him why I had been crying. i told him about my mother and my father, and I learned that it really was nice to talk to someone new about all the things that weighed on my shoulders.
The meetings on the balcony soon moved to his condo, and I saw his life a little clearer. Things were clean, but there were no pictures on the walls. I learned about a divorce, and a long story with a man named Levi. He didn’t like to talk about it, but there was a light in his eyes when he said the man’s name.
It was a month after we had first met that things got a little out of hand. He had invited me over and offered me a drink. It was a casual night. We talked and watched a movie, and I had another drink. And we watched another movie, and I had another drink. And my hands found his body, and my lips found his lips and our clothes were thrown all over his condo as we made our way to his bed. And his gorgeous face was a sight to see, and his body was built to match. He was gentle and kind, and rough when I asked him for it. It was the first time I had slept with anyone other than Jean, and I had decided that Jean was terrible.
And I’d be lying if I said that it was the only time that happened. Erwin was kind, and listened to my problems and encouraged me to put my life back together from it’s shattered pieces. He gave me advice about the little things in life, while I gave him something to relieve him of stress. It was an incredibly fucked up situation that worked for both of our benefits.
High school graduation was on the horizon and my marks were slowly moving their way back up. I studied hard and earned rewards from Erwin which is more than my own father ever did to me. I hadn’t told anyone about Erwin, either. I wanted to keep it private, for my own reasons and for Erwin’s safety. He was the chief of police, after all. But it was the night before our prom that I received a message from Mikasa.
M: Where have you been after school all these weeks? I know your grades dropped but what the hell?
I sat on Erwin’s bed in my boxers and smirked at the letters. Mikasa and I had been best friends since before I could remember, and the fact that I was hiding something this huge from her was a big deal. Her and Armin for that matter.
E: I made a friend. I texted back, only to receive a reply a few minutes later.
M: What kind of friend, Eren?
I bit the inside of my lip gently and looked up as Erwin entered the room with a towel loosely hanging around his waist. He smiled at me before turning towards his dresser.
E: A god.
M: What the hell Eren? Did you seriously turn to religion?
I had to cover my mouth to keep the laugh from escaping, not wanting to draw attention to myself as Erwin slowly (and unfortunately) dressed himself.
E: Fuck thy neighbour.
M: I don’t think that is how the commandments go. What are you talking about?
I looked back up to Erwin and watched as he pulled a loose fitting shirt over his head.
E: I met my neighbour, I’ve been spending a lot of time with him.
M: Why didn’t you just say that from the beginning?
E: Because…
E: He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then.
M: …Eren. How old his this ‘Father Figure’?
I looked up from my phone as Erwin stepped up to me. I grinned up at him before cocking my head to the side. “How old are you, anyway?”
Erwin raised one of his eyebrows and smirked back down at me. “Random question, but I’m thirty-five. Why?”
I lifted my arms to let them circle around his middle, pressing my face against his stomach. “No reason, I just never asked. You knew I was eighteen, and I realized I didn’t know how old you were.”
“Is that a problem?” he asked quietly, brushing his hand through my hair gently, tugging it to make me look up at him.
I grinned and shook my head. “Not at all.”