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Mostly, Richie now remembered Eddie’s body.
His skin was ice cold, freezing even, and his eyes were black and glazed over. Oh God, it was Eddie. Those very eyes were the same that pulled him in, over those years, the black holes he tumbled through… He had always looked so scared. Not now, though, no. Eddie didn’t look scared. He didn’t particularly look like anything at all.
Richie was crying out, frantically looking around and desperately grabbing Eddie’s shirt, trying with all his might to ignore what he already knew. Eddie Kasbrak was dead.
He had carried Eddie’s body over to his final resting place, he had been so light. He was as small as the boy Richie had known all those years, that even as he grew, he had still been a little shorter, a little thinner. Never quite living up to the standards of the other boys, always having to push a little further to be considered one of them.
He was so fucking light…
Richie had carried him on his back before, of course he had. Eddie enjoyed it when they were kids, playing in the quarry or just walking on the sidewalk. They had been thick as thieves. Eddie had pulled Richie’s hair like reigns on a horse, then screamed when Richie ran just a little too fast. He was always light.
Richie kept his hand pressed against Eddie’s cheek, the frozen skin a jarring contrast from the hot tears pouring down Richie’s face. Eddie wasn’t dead, Eddie couldn’t be dead. He was so brave, he had been on top of Richie, beaming down upon him, excited, full of adrenaline. Then he wasn’t. Then he was dying.
And Eddie looked just like he did as a kid. He was always so nervous, always so careful. Richie had known him forever and he knew that after this, it would be the only way he would be able to picture Eddie.
When they ran out of Neibolt, Richie sobbed. Richie cried and he sobbed, and he begged the others to let him back in, to have another crack at it. To get Eddie back. But he was dead when they found him, Richie knew that. He never stood a chance after what It did to him. He had just been so fucking cold.
Richie could still see his eyes. They burned their way into his brains, once full of light and joy completely empty. He just sat, so still, so perfectly still, like a picture. Like a mannequin. Expressionless, in complete acceptance. And there Eddie stayed, he died there and was buried there along with the whole fucking house.
He couldn’t even pretend Eddie was sleeping because of those fucking eyes. And his body was so limp, when Richie held him he just fell into his arms. And he fell, and he fell, and he fell. The blood around his mouth staining Richie’s shoulder, but Richie didn’t care. This was Eddie, and Eddie was dead.
He couldn’t even save his body….
He had wanted to run back in, try and get it, bury him properly, give him a funeral. Anything. But he knew the risks, if he had, he’d have died in there with Eddie. He just cried out his name as Ben and Mike held him back, and yelled, and cried some more. It was desperate and broken, like a man who knew he had been defeated, but hadn’t yet let that fact sink in.
While Eddie was dying, Richie sat there with him. His face was the face of a man who had seen on the news that an earthquake had killed ten thousand people in some distant far off country. Richie thought that Eddie perhaps accepted his fate as soon as he was injured, whereas Richie tried so hard to keep him alive, keep him going, get him out of that god forsaken house.
But he didn’t, and so Eddie remained.
Later at the quarry, Richie tried to wash it all away. The feelings, the love, the shame. He tried to rinse himself of his grief but he couldn’t. So there he sat. Tears pooled at his eyes as the others messed around in the water, playing almost. He remembered being a kid, mostly. How times differed from the present.
They spoke of Eddie, and they spoke of him kindly, affectionately but Richie just couldn’t hear it. His world had been completely shattered in this moment. He had almost forgotten how the sun looked down there. Did Eddie know that it would be his last time seeing the daylight when he had woken up that morning? Of course he didn’t. He was so unaware.
Instead, Eddie remained in the dark. Richie sobbed at the thought.
The others were surrounding him, a broken shell of a man remained as he thought on, and on, and on.
He didn’t have to say it to the group, they knew. A first love would never fade, not really, not completely, especially one such as Eddie Kaspbrak. Maybe the memories would dim a little, like a single bulb in a room that’s been dying for years. But the feeling never did. No, that would last forever and they all knew it. Richie was torn in half, like a twin in mourning of their double. It was odd, he hadn’t seen Eddie in decades, yet had remained in love the whole time without even realising.
Richie had never felt so empty in his entire life. And, he thought, he probably never would again.
—-
When Richie Tozier was 13, he awoke one morning with tears streaming down his face.
He had Eddie Kasbrak’s feet in his face due to a sleepover that had taken Eddie weeks of begging to actually get permission to be at. Except the others bailed. So it was just him and Eddie. They slept top and tail since neither of them were going to give up the bed and Richie wouldn’t admit how his heart beat considerably harder when climbed into bed with him, the feeling lingering as he whacked Richie’s legs.
Eddie was still asleep as Richie sweated over his nightmare, his face was so calm and peaceful. He’d never really seen Eddie at peace, the boy was always somehow on edge. Yet in sleep, well, he was more peaceful than anyone Richie had ever seen. The wind rustled his hair from the open window and as the breeze blew into his face, he scrunched up his nose and rolled over, so that Richie couldn’t see his face anymore.
Yet, the way he stared at Eddie was nervous, as if he were doing something forbidden. It wasn’t, he was merely looking, long arms wrapped around his knees as he curled up in an awkward ball on the bed. He knew there was something odd about his fascination with Eddie, that he had with the other boys. He didn’t feel the same way about Beverly, only the boys in their group. Maybe it was weird. Maybe he was weird.
But for now, he was comfortable lying in bed with Eddie Kaspbrak and not thinking about what the future may hold. Clowns or no clowns.
Eddie woke up eventually, and the first thing he did was kick Richie, who kicked back. They ended up wrestling on the bed, Richie tickled Eddie’s sides until he squealed and grabbed Richie’s hands to make him stop. Richie froze, he was holding his hands so tightly and Richie’s heart was beating so hard he thought it might break through his ribs. Then the moment ended, as Eddie looked at him confused. And Richie laughed.
He thought Eddie knew, really. He knew Eddie knew, deep down. As he playfully continued to wrestle with Eddie, even as his hands were occupied by the others. It was fun, and it was light and it was harmless. Richie could do this easily, mess around. But he couldn’t focus too much on how his stomach was flipping, that would be too obvious, he would be too aware. It wasn’t fair, the rest could do this without even caring, he knew they could.
He eventually ended their fight by planting a sloppy kiss on Eddie’s cheek, who squealed and pushed Richie off the bed, laughing all the way.
“That’s so fucking gross!” Eddie mocked a gag as he wiped his cheek with Richie’s pillow, “You’re disgusting, you know that? Keep your body fluids to yourself.” A look of exaggerated horror on his face, barely hiding the smile that was growing.
Richie looked up at him from his awkward position on the floor, “I just can’t help it Eds,” He put his hand on his heart and feigned a look of hurt, “You know how you make me feel, I just can’t control myself around you!”
Eddie rolled his eyes, “Whatever, dick. The bed is mine now, anyway.” He smiled triumphantly, leaning back as he stared down at Richie. In that moment, Richie was hyper aware of the fact that he was losing his mind, because Eddie looked like the most incredible thing he’d ever seen, at least that’s what his thirteen year old brain told him.
He shook his head, and sat up. “Nope, we’re sharing this bed, Eds, whether you want us to or not.” He climbed back into the bed, grabbing Eddie and moving him so he was able to fit, even if there was little room for the both of them, shoulders pressed together, a lingering touch Richie almost couldn’t stand.
Eddie sighed, “Ok. Fine.” He shifted in order to get comfortable in the little space he had, “And don’t call me that. I hate it.”
“Whatever You say, Eds.”
Eddie smiled. Richie’s heart burst.
Months later, Richie had enough of his feelings, while the other losers had once again left them all alone. They were in the clubhouse, which wasn’t the best location due to the now cold weather, and the lack of heating within it. However, Richie and Eddie lay in the hammock together, with countless layers on.
They’d grown used to sharing the hammock, to the point where they now shared a turn. Lying top to toe like they did in bed, and bickering all the way. Except now, there was silence. Richie read his comics and Eddie stared off into space, eyes focusing on something in the distance. And apart from the whistling wind outside, it was quiet.
“Do you think it’s over?” Eddie asked. Before Richie could answer, he continued, “I don't just mean It. I mean everything. The Losers. I feel like we never see each other as a group. Everyone’s busy.”
Richie shifted in the hammock, which proved to be a difficult task, “I guess it’s just school. We have stuff to do now, rather than endless summer days to hang out and well… Everything else we did.” Eddie nods, and hums a sound of acknowledgement.
“I just think it’s weird. Everything we’ve been through. Do you ever wish we were normal kids?” Eddie queried, searching Richie’s face for a clear answer, but Richie shook his head.
“What the fuck is a normal kid? Especially in this town.” He scoffed, but returned to a softer tone, “Besides, if I were a normal kid I wouldn’t be a loser, and I wouldn’t be here with you right now. And if you can keep a secret, Eds, I like being with you.”
Richie could very easily have been mistaken, but he swore he saw Eddie blush at the statement. “Thanks, idiot.”
Richie fakes shock horror, “That was a pleasant moment! Don’t ruin it with such foul language!” He was doing a dumb impression, and Eddie shook his head, suppressing a laugh.
“Beep, beep, Richie.” But Richie was right, it was a nice moment. And so the two sat, enjoying each other’s silence and it was just a calm environment. Calmness was so rare these days that they would take what they could get, especially after everything that happened during the summer.
As time went on, Eddie ended up getting up off the hammock in order to annoy Richie, who followed. Teasing each other, back and forth until they were in stitches from laughing along with each other. They were dumb jokes but they genuinely enjoyed being with each other.
And Richie saw Eddie, and he smiled because Eddie was smiling. The boy was small, so much smaller than the others, but he had the heart of a man ten times his size. And Richie’s heart was aching as Eddie laughed along to his jokes, and as he moved closer.
Eventually, they were so close to each other they could barely distinguish where one boys body ended and the other began, mimicking each other’s shapes. Richie threw his arm around Eddie’s shoulders in a joking manner, beginning a dumb impression, to which Eddie told him to shut up with a roll of his eyes. It was standard.
Eddie grabbed Richie’s hand to move it off him, and Richie froze again. Eddie did the same. They looked at each other, Eddie still holding Richie’s hand with confused and shocked looks on each other’s faces. Eddie looked so scared, yet determined but Richie just looked scared.
Slowly, Eddie began to lean in, carefully, and Richie awaited the feeling of lips on his, an incredible first kiss and he wanted this so bad, he’d wanted this for so, so, so long and in just a second-
They kissed.
It was so awkward and it was so uncomfortable but it was incredible at the same time. Neither of them knew what to do so they just stayed in one plays, lips softly pressed against each other’s, waiting for the other to make a move. It was an awkward kiss for awkward teenagers.
Until it wasn’t.
There was a loud bang as a solo plank of wood crashed to the floor, egged on by the now much stronger wind. It made Richie jump and Eddie turned around. Richie stood quickly, the shock of what had just happened setting in. “I-“ He began, but just looked at Eddie with this scared look in his eyes. He hoped Eddie understood.
“Sorry Eds, I forgot” He rushed, “I have somewhere to be. My parents will kill me.”
“Richie, I-“ Eddie began, but Richie cut him off before he could finish.
“Don’t worry, dude! I’ll see you soon ok?” It was a hopeful tone, that Eddie would just forget about this altogether. That they would all move on and leave Richie to deal with whatever new issues this had caused in peace.
Eddie looked slightly calmer, thought that wasn’t much, at this He nodded, “I should get going too. I’ll-“ He paused, almost as if he were unsure of what to say, “I’ll say you later, Rich.” And Richie nodded and climbed out of the clubhouse, hot shame burning his face.
They never spoke of the kiss again.
—-
On what was decidedly his last day ever in Derry, Maine, Richie Tozier got in his car and drove over to the Kissing Bridge.
It was empty as he recalled the childhood he spent in this town, the years he had spent crossing this bridge and staring at the names hoping that one day maybe someone else would write his name down. His initials. Maybe one day he would find love in this shitty, hellspawn of a town. But no one ever did. And Richie left.
As he pulled up by the bridge, the felt the outline of the knife in his pocket and memories returned from a deep place in his mind. He wasn’t scared anymore, though. He had been when he had first brought his knife to this bridge. Faintly carving just in case, it would be there but only just. Not so prominent that many would notice the second initial there.
He saw those two letters carved onto the bridge and he recalled where they were like he had carved them yesterday and not almost three decades ago. It was love, though. And love was important. Maybe to Richie at least.
He reached the spot and what was written out was clear.
“R + E”
He was no longer scared. The began to carve into the wood again, over the original carving. One day this wood would rot, and there would no longer be the scar Richie had left upon it, but that was ok. Richie just wanted the town to know now. He would have screamed it in the town centre if he could. He would have done anything for them to know.
He pictured Eddie as a kid, riding his bike along with the others, free and smiling, and he felt that deep emptiness he had felt ever since Eddie’s death. It aches and it was this distinct, clear feeling of nothingness that Richie had never experienced and never wanted to experience again. He could still see Eddie’s cold, dead, eyes.
And Richie thought of Eddie in the days leading up to his death, his nervous demeanour for him to finally break out of his fear to save Richie. He had saved Richie’s life. And so, even thought he wasn’t here to witness it, Richie felt nothing but pride for the man Eddie Kaspbrak had became. Love swelled in his chest as he remembered.
Richie smiled as he carved the letters our, their names. They would live in the town’s memory now. They would never be able to forget Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak, he was making sure of that. He didn’t want to forget either. He was slowly removing the image of the cold, dead, Eddie Kaspbrak from his head. All that remained was a smiling teenager who had held Richie’s hand, and had been so sure of himself even though he was terrified out of his mind.
Richie had loved him for thousands of years, he just got the chance to express it now.
He finished writing those letters on the bridge, unaware he was weeping as he wrote. There was a smile plastered on his face as he came to terms with it all. It was finally over.
As Richie left those letters behind, he was struck with an odd sensation. Eddie was dead, but he would always be there in Richie’s memory. He would be able to remember childhood bike rides, and unbearable summers made great by his friends, and sleeping top to toe with Eddie.
He had been in love with Eddie Kaspbrak, and he would always love Eddie Kaspbrak.
But it was time to move on from Derry, Maine. The town held nothing for Richie other than a body count and the remains of the place that had killed the man he loved. No, Richie was ready to leave this all behind and find a new place he could call home. And maybe he would love. The shame had faded away and been replaced with acceptance, joy.
Richie realised loving Eddie Kaspbrak was possibly the greatest thing he had ever done in his entire life.
And so Richie drove away, and left Derry, and it was one of those early mornings after dreaming, when he realised he would always fully remember his childhood, and the friends with whom he shared it.