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“WhAT COuld be BEtter than a BAG of BUTter? It’s Borgman’s Butter FlAaAkes!”
Judy’s grip on the steering wheel tightened just a little more. “Regina I asked you to stop singing that song. We’ll be at the store soon ok?” The little jingle was getting on her nerves more and more as the car rumbled along the road.
“Yeah Reggie, I like them just as much as the next person, but that song is starting to give me a weird ringing in my ears.” Esther poked a finger into her ear to try and stop the noise.
“LIKE them? No Esther, I don’t LIKE Butter Flakes, I LOVE THEM. They’re the perfect snack in every way, shape, and form.”
“Dude, didn’t they make your appendix burst?” Todd gave her an inquisitive stare.
“You can’t prove that Todd and neither can my doctor.” Reggie pointed an accusing finger at him.
“Just remember you’re only getting one bag Reggie. We’ve gotta budget for healthy stuff too. You know, like actual fruits and vegetables.
Reggie leaned forward smiling, hands on the back of Judy’s seat. “You mean teeenn bags?”
“One bag.” Judy’s voiced grew stern.
“Five bags.” Reggie counter offered.
“How about zero bags?” Judy’s question was firm as concrete.
Reggie sat back down, defeated. “Ok just one.”
Moments later they had arrived at the store. Reggie flew from the car as soon as it was parked and made a B line towards the main doors despite Judy’s protests of not running in a busy parking lot.
Todd and Esther chased her into the store. Through the double doors they went and watched her weave around various produce stands. She zigzagged around customers and their carts then launched into a full slide sideways around a display of canned corn at the end of an aisle.
Todd struggled for breath as they tried to catch up. “Man, Reggie’s fast.. for someone who lives.. almost entirely on junk food.”
Reggie rounded the corner and shot up the aisle long before her friends could. All they heard echo through the store was a heartbreaking “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Todd and Esther rushed to her side. “Oh my gosh Reggie what’s wrong? Are you ok?”
Reggie was on her knees, starting up at several empty shelves. “They’re all gone. We’re too late!”
“Dude relax, they probably have more in the back. Let’s just ask someone.”
Reggie’s cheer returned with force. “Hey yeah you’re right. I bet they have truck loads in the back!”
Todd stopped a passing employee. “Excuse me, miss, can you tell us if you have any more Butter Flakes in stock?”
The jaded teen stopped at the question and looked from Todd to the shelf and back again. “Oh, yeah, I don’t think they make those anymore or something. Sorry.” She then walked on, oblivious to Reggie’s shattered reality and growing anguish.
“They. Don’t. Make. Them. Anymore???” She was pulling at her hair, eyes manic and wide, pupils like pinholes. “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
A moment later the trio had joined Judy in the checkout line. Reggie slumped dramatically over the cart with a long drawn sigh.
Judy turned to Todd and Esther. “What’s wrong with her?”
“They don’t have anymore Butter Flakes.” was Todd’s shrugged response.
“Oh, well I guess you can just get some another time Reggie.”
She lifted her head. “You don’t get it mom, there are NO. MORE. Zilch, Zero, Gone forever! UGGGHH!” Reggie lay back down.
“Well, maybe this is a good thing. You can find a healthier snack now to replace them.”
“Nothing will ever replace my beloved Butter Flakes.” Reggie held the back of her hand to her forehead, the other to her heart.
Days later Reggie lay on the couch. The TV was on but she wasn’t paying attention. There was a knock at the front door. Reggie managed to mumble a “C’min.”
Todd and Esther came through the doorway, both carrying several heavy shopping bags. Esther sat down next to Reggie and gave her a sorrowful look.
“How’s it going today Reggie?”
“Meh.”
Todd sat down at her other side. “Cheer up Reggie. We brought you a little something. Gwen took me to this cool international market a few weeks ago and they had all these crazy snacks from around the world.”
“So Todd and I thought we’d go check it out and get you some new stuff to try out.” Reggie lifted an eyebrow at Esther, but otherwise didn’t move.
The two of them then dumped their bags on the floor at Reggie’s feet, a cacophony of colorful packages forming a little mountain.
Todd reached into the mass and pulled out a red and white bag. He squinted as he struggled to read it. “Here, check these out. Mi-ro-slaw’s Shrimp Crisps. Most of this is written in Polish or something but look at this.” He pointed to an orange box on the back of the bag full of small print. “It looks like some kind of warning label. You love those Reggie.”
She sat up and grabbed the bag. “I guess it’s worth a shot. But nothing will ever replace Butter Flakes.” After tearing them open, she pulled out a handful of the pale yellow puffs and threw them into her mouth. Two crunches later she spat them out. “AHCK! They’re so salty! What does that warning even say? ‘Do not eat, made with road salt’?”
Todd and Esther exchanged a look and then each took several shrimp crisps themselves. “I’m sure they aren’t that bad Reggie.” Esther’s face scrunched up like she’d been in the desert for ten years as she shuddered violently. “Ok wow, yeah they’re super gross.”
“I don’t know, I kinda like them.” Todd took another handful and happily munched away as the two girls looked on in disgust.
“Ok how about this one Reggie?” Esther picked up a package of small swirled pastries from the pile. “They’re Chef Jorge’s Pasteles de las Nubes. They’re from Argentina. Don’t they look adorable??” She held the package right up to Reggie’s face.
Reggie pushed it away a bit and grabbed it from Esther, turning it over in her hand to inspect it. “Does this one have any weird warning labels we should know about?”
“Nope, this one’s totally safe. I’m sure you’ll love it!” They each grabbed a pastry and bit into them with a mush.
Reggie and Todd took the biggest bites possible. “Id’z ginda muzhy...”
Todd gulped hard and looked down at the half eaten pastry in his hand. “Yeah, it’s like chewing gum mixed with whipped cream.”
“Yeah these are gonna be a hard pass for me. What do you think Esther?”
She gave them a delighted smile. “They’re scrumptious! It’s like eating a little cloud.” S
“You barely even took a bite of yours!”
“Well no one said you have to jam the whole thing in your mouth.”
“Whatever. What else you guys got in this pile?” Reggie began to dig. Despite the lackluster snacks so far, she was starting to have a little fun with trying them all out. Finally she pulled a bright pink package from the depths. It was covered in bendy snake-like letters. To one side, a cartoon horse with way too massive eyeballs was taking a bite out of the moon.
Esther took note of the package. “I think those are those Thai sugar moons. Or something like that.”
“Sounds good to me!” Reggie tore it open a bit too vehemently and several small white crescent moons spilled on the floor. They each grabbed one of the candies that remained in the bag. Reggie chucked hers into her mouth and Todd and Esther followed suit.
A half minute later Reggie was the first to speak, her little moon already dissolved away. “Esther these are just clumps of regular sugar..”
“Yeah Todd, where did you say you found them again?”
“They were at the end of the snack aisle, closer to the pet section. Why?”
“Todd! I think these are treats for horses!”
“Huh, I guess that would explain the horse on the package..”
Reggie gave a heavy sigh, half frustrated, half defeated. “Guys let’s just give up. Butter Flakes were the perfect snack. There’s just no replacing them.” She got up and plodded up the stairs to her room. Esther and Todd just watched her go.
Another few days went by. Reggie was still moping about as she had been. Suddenly Todd and Esther burst through the front door without knocking. Reggie was alarmed as Todd jumped onto the couch at her side and snatched the remote from table. “Reggie, quick you gotta see this!”
“What the heck man? What’s going on??”
Esther sat down at her other side as Todd flipped through the channels rapidly, trying to find what he had seen earlier. “Butter Flakes are back Reggie! Todd saw a bunch of commercials for them earlier this morning and told me to meet him here.”
“There is it!” He stopped flipping channels. The commercial was already part way through, the familiar jingle blazing out.
“...than a bag of butter? It’s Borgman’s Butter Flaaaaakes! That’s right Butter Flakes are back and better than ever! An that’s because we’ve added a new flavor to the Butter Flakes family!.”
Reggie shot up on the edge of her seat. “A NEW FLAVOR??”
“That’s right, introducing new Cajun Spice Butter Flakes! They’re salty and creamy and sweet and now with an added kick!”
“MOM! We gotta go to the store now!” Reggie already had her coat on and was flying out the door.
At the store the scene was much the same as before, Todd and Esther hopelessly trying to keep up with Reggie as she sprinted around carts, customers, and displays. She finally made it to the snack aisle. And it was a truly glorious sight. Shelves upon shelves of original Butter Flakes, Cinnamon Butter Flakes, and in the center of the aisle was a massive pyramid display for the new Cajun Spice variety. Reggie’s eyes sparkled with bliss. Endless might be the greatest place ever, but just for a moment, this was a very, very close second.