Work Text:
Just know this before you go
That I was the only man who loved you only
-Before U Go by TVXQ
It was almost five in the afternoon and Mob's cry had subsided into sniffles. He buried his face on Reigen's chest, inhaling his scent (cologne and cigarettes), wetting his suit with tears and snot. Reigen rubbed his back soothingly, kissing the top of his head once in a while in apologetic manner. Mob grasped at his suit tight, but Reigen only loosely hug him.
Until the end, Reigen refused to give Mob anything; not the pinky ring, not a relationship, not even a promise that he would wait for Mob. Nothing. He just kissed him repentantly, poured his feelings into the kiss, and tried to convey the unsaid through the kiss (but Mob was no telepath nor psychometer). Mob loved him but Reigen's silence was so devastatingly unsatisfactory. Still, he yearned and wanted and longed for Reigen. Thus, he held on, grasping on to Reigen's suit jacket in a death grip.
"Mob," Reigen leaned back a little, "it's five already. Let's go, I'll walk you home." Mob hugged him tighter, chasing his retreating chest (the melody of his heart, infuriatingly steady), and shook his own head petulantly. Reigen pressed on, "You should get enough rest today. The trip tomorrow will be exhausting. Come on." The man's voice, Mob noticed in dismay, was soft, coaxing, almost cooing (nineteen years old wasn't a toddler for fuck's sake).
"Only if you promise you'll see me off." It sounded like a challenge. (he can't, can he? his promises are locked in the safe like second buttons and pinky ring).
Reigen bit the bait with grace, "Fine, I promise I will. Now, let go."
Mob's eyes widened (at the unfairness of it all) in disbelief. He (wanted to laugh hysterically and yelled) gritted his teeth, shaking fist (outraged) clutched the fabric tighter, before deflating, then reluctantly disentangled himself (this was a losing battle). Reigen sighed in relief (how dare he) and smiled gratefully at him, petting his hair affectionately.
They exited the office and walked in silence to the Kageyamas household. Mob wasted no time in taking hold of Reigen's hand. The adult tensed then relaxed secondarily. Still, he didn't grab Mob's hand, didn't even squeeze back a little. Mob tried to loop a hand around Reigen's but the older man glued his arm stubbornly tight to his side. Waves of desperation rushed to him again and Mob wanted to scream at Reigen's face to just-- just...
"Mob," Reigen pinched his cheek. "We're two houses away before your house."
Mob looked up and something in his eyes must prompt Reigen to look away guiltily (what crime have you done?). Mob looked down to their hands; Mob's fingers curled around Reigen's hand while Reigen's fingers hung limply. Mob squeezed and Reigen's fingers twitched inward a fraction. Dismayed and at lost about what to do, Mob buried his face into the crook of his shishou's neck and shoulder, causing the man to flinch (coward) and frantically look left and right (or embarrassed?). "Mob!" he hissed. "People might--"
"Just for a while..." Mob insisted, he nuzzled closer, his other hand grasping at the hem of Reigen's suit jacket. "Please."
Reigen sighed in defeat. "You really should stop acting like a child. You're going to university soon"
He meant it as (an insult) a joke, Mob understood, but he didn't like Reigen's tone every time the university topic was brought up. He talked about it with finality and relief. As though this was it, this was the end. Mob would go to university and Reigen would see the last of him. The thought made Mob sick (What part of I'm not leaving you, that Mob had said after their rendezvous in the safety of Reigen's locked apartment, did the man not comprehend?).
"Promise me you'll see me off," Mob murmured against his bare neck, (feeling the pulse jumped for a second before slowing again. it wasn't fair how Reigen could easily increase Mob's heartbeat but Mob didn't have the same effect on him) he had to see Reigen tomorrow, needed to hear 'see you later' and not a silent 'good bye'.
Reigen was silent for a beat, then he sighed and gently pushed Mob back before staring straight into Mob's eyes solemnly. "I promise." And Mob knew he meant it. (unfair unfair unfair)
Chest swelling with affection, Mob leaned closer and lifted his face to kiss Reigen good bye, but Reigen turned his face away. "Not here," he said. Mob gritted his teeth then glared at their joined hands (world in catastrophe, their intertwined fingers, the warmth of their palms). He squeezed tighter yet Reigen's longer fingers wouldn't curl inward in defiance.
Mob fought back the tears, the urge to shake Reigen, and the bubbled up anguished scream.
(why do you only hold my hand when I lost myself?)
Later that night, he was restless, tossing and turning on his futon. He unhappily wondered, why did it take so long to be an adult? (what does it matter? age is just numbers). He wanted to catch up to Reigen as quickly as possible, to close the distance between them immediately, to be seen as an equal by Reigen so that the man wouldn't hesitate to hold Mob's hand.
All Mob wanted was holding hands with the one he loves on their way home after school. Why did it become so complicated?
Sometimes he wished (Reigen would just outright reject him already) he didn't fall in love with the man. It was easier that way (a swift death, not giving hope a chance to grow and bloom). However, how could he not fall in love with Reigen? How could he when Reigen was so nice to him? When Reigen had seen the monster inside (hideous and ominous) and still stay by his side? Anyone in Mob's position would love him--anyone who had seen his magnanimity would fall in love with Reigen.
Mob tilted his head to the side, staring at his bare pinky finger (obscene, inappropriate). As he gradually fell asleep, he thought how nice it would be to wear the ring Reigen had bought, to show the rest of the world that he was in a relationship with a great man called Reigen Arataka.
It was ten in the morning and Mob, alongside his family, was in the train station. They were an hour early from the departure time. His parents droned on and on about how to properly take care of himself but their lectures went unheeded. Mob kept on looking left and right in search for Reigen (he promised he promised but he keeps his promises and dreams away in the safe along with second buttons and pinky ring). Ritsu, who would accompany him for a week, noticed he was rubbing his pinky and frowned disapprovingly. Mob ignored him.
Twenty minutes later, Reigen finally arrived, smiling and grinning proudly at him (this was funeral. why do you smile?). The man greeted his parents first and engaged them in small talk. "Children do grow up fast, don't they?" Reigen said amicably. "It feels just like yesterday when he came to my office begging for advice!"
His parents laughed in agreement and started to share similar sentiments while Reigen nodded sympathetically. Mob disliked it. He didn't want to hear Reigen exchanging stories with his parents about his childhood. He didn't like the way Reigen casually, but deliberately, accentuate the gap of their age, the difference between them: the child and the adult, the student and the master (the infatuated and the beloved).
He also despised how happy Reigen looked, as though he couldn't wait to be as far away as possible from Mob. Good riddance, the body language seemed to convey, no more troublesome lovestruck teen clasping on my ankle like a jailbait.
Losing his patience and starting to feel uncomfortable with the conversation, (shut up shut up!) Mob cut them off, "Shishou," he called. Reigen stiffened, his smile froze. Slowly, he turned to face Mob with a patient and indulgent smile on his handsome face. Mob wanted to yell at him to stop treating him like a child (age is just numbers!). Resisting the urge but in a desperate need to say something, anything, Mob pathetically said, "Thanks for coming."
"Of course I'll see you off," Reigen said. Mob held his breath, expecting, hoping in vain. "Good luck in university. Work hard, play hard, but not too hard."
Mob deflated, disappointed. Why was Reigen so devastating? Why couldn't he just-- Mob got rid of the thought, the wishful thinking. He nodded dutifully and Reigen's smile turned genuine, relieved. It hurt more than anything else, more than Reigen's silent rejection.
Thirty minutes before the departure time, Mob hugged his parents goodbye. He wanted to hug Reigen too but the adult's body became taut when Mob turned to him so Mob canceled the plan. Mob halfheartedly bowed slightly to his shishou, turned on his heels, then walked away, looking for his train.
He let Ritsu lead the way as his mind traveled somewhere else: Reigen. He bitterly wondered, what would happen to them? Would the distance tear them further apart? Would Reigen take this chance to push Mob away? Would Reigen find someone--
"MOB!"
Mob, and Ritsu, whirled around. Even though it was small, even though many people was there, Mob could see it: a speck of gold shining through the crowds, the golden light that cut through the darkness that was Mob's old life. Without second thought, Mob took off to that speck of gold. To the golden light. To Reigen.
The curtain of the crowd were forcefully parted by Reigen and gold shone so bright it was blinding. Mob tripped, and Reigen caught him in time. He was always in time. Always. Mob would fall into the deepest abyss and Reigen would dive headfirst to the bottom to catch him, saving him, became his savior. Reigen steadied him, anchored him, became his lifeline.
The man hugged him tight and Mob clung to him, both were desperate to be as physically close as possible. And this was Mob had always wanted ever since he told Reigen he got accepted to a university cities away: he wanted Reigen to hold him close, keep him by the man's side, never to let go (because I'll drown).
"Mob," Reigen breathed out shakily, "Mob, god, Mob, I'm-- I can't-- Mob, listen, alright?" Mob shook his head frantically on the crook of Reigen's shoulder (shut up), dreading the words Reigen would say (don't speak), fearing the moment his greatest fear came true (please don't). "Mob, please, you have to listen. I--" Reigen swallowed thickly. "I can't be your boyfriend."
Mob's world crashed around him, cracking before shattering like a mirror assaulted by a sledgehammer. He gasped and sobbed in anguish, in mourning, in heartbreak. Reigen tried to push him back but Mob resisted him, locking his hands behind Reigen's neck, chaining himself to Reigen (or he'll drown in the sea of tears and regret and devastation).
He was so afraid. He felt that if he let go, Reigen would be out of reach forever, that this was it, this was the end. The mere thought of not having Reigen in his life terrified him. He had had a taste of living without Reigen (mogami, six months and he almost lost his mind) and he couldn't do that anymore.
"Mob, please, I need you to understand. Please look at me." Reigen tugged his shoulders gently, coaxing him to detach himself from Reigen. "Shigeo."
Mob's heart skipped a beat then skyrocketed. Reigen said his name reverently, worshipfully, as if he was praying to a merciful and beautiful god. It sounds like a confession (seventeen, thirty-one, sprawled half naked on the office' desk, being worshipped on the divine altar). Mob leaned back but didn't disentangle his hand. Thankfully, Reigen didn't let him go either, the man's palms were warm against the small of his back.
Reigen looked like he might cry (world in catastrophe, tattered-bruised-bloodied, tears like diamonds and molten gold). The corner of Reigen's lips quivered, his voice was almost a whisper but Mob could hear him. "It doesn't mean I don't love you."
Mob held his breath, expecting, anticipating, please oh please.
Reigen opened his mouth, then closed it again, swallowing nervously before finally saying, "I do."
Tears fell down Mob's eyes like waterfall and he nodded frantically. This was enough. More than enough. Mob had asked so much, had taken so much, and Reigen had indulged him, given him everything he wanted: comfort, advices, guidance, salvation, and love. If Reigen couldn't give him a relationship, couldn't directly say he loved Mob at the moment, it was fine. It was all fine. His confession was more than enough.
Reigen took his hand, opening his palm skyward. He dropped something (a gift) and the sight of it made his heart full, brimming at the seams, almost bursting into thousands of confetti. It was Reigen's second button--from his shirt, not gakuran--small (like a secret) and translucent (only to Mob).
It wasn't a relationship, barely a promise. However, it was a token (a proof, an insurance, a talisman), something Mob could hold on to. It was stupid and childish, but Mob needed it, needed the assurance that Reigen Arataka loved him back.
"Thank you," he whispered through the tears.
Mob hugged him again, and Reigen engulfed him. He was only three centimeters shorter than Reigen but he felt so small. He wanted Reigen to devour him, swallow him, he wanted to merge into Reigen's body (heart, mind, and soul, all made of gold) so they can be together forever. Mob attempted to kiss him but Reigen held his head against the crook of the adult's neck. Thus Mob kissed his neck instead, feeling the heartbeat jumped and fluttered (love me, want me, desire me, please) and Reigen kissed the top of his head in return (spectators be damned. let them watch let them see let them witness the ownerships). He took a deep breathe, letting Reigen's smell assaulted him: incense, massage oils, cologne, cigarettes, aftershave, lies, and love (is this how adult smells like?)
After a while, they disentangled albeit reluctantly. Even so, Reigen held his hand. Tight. Mob stared at their joined hands in awe, the sight sent a pang of gratitude towards Reigen (his golden heart, his miraculous existence) for fulfilling Mob's dream--holding hands with his beloved one. Mob sobbed, a quivering smiled was formed on his face and Reigen mirrored him in kind.
They stayed like that for (eternity) a while. Then, when Mob thought he finally wouldn't let go (don't, don't--), Reigen unclasped his hand. Their fingers slid away. In a feeble attempt to hold on, Mob's fingers twitched inward (unwilling to let go) but Reigen's fingertips slipped away.
And with it, Mob's dream was put to a stop.
With a gentle nudge from Reigen, Mob went back to Ritsu, letting his brother herded him to the train. He felt Ritsu tugged and pushed him, harshly nagging at him to look forward when Mob kept looking over his shoulder, towards Reigen who, upon seeing him looking back, stumbled a step forward (run to me, hold me, don't--). Ritsu shoved him into the train.
After finding their seats, Mob stared at Reigen from the window, hoping the man would come closer and pressed his fingertips to the window where Mob's were. He didn't. Reigen was rooted to the spot, right where Mob had left him (wrong, Mob never left him. he had promised not to. Reigen was the one who decided to... to...) with his hands fisted on his sides. Likewise, the man stared back at Mob with the expression Mob had been praying to see on his eyes: fear, desperation, longing, yearning, hunger.
Mob stared and stared and stared until Reigen morphed into a speck of gold and blinked out like a dead star.
Mob opened his palm, tearing up the sight of it: Reigen's token of affection, small and translucent. "Ri-Ritsu..." he sobbed, feeling Ritsu's eyes on him, the pity on his usually sharp eyes, "he l-loves me... So why..."
(Why can't we hold hands on our way home?)