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upstate new york is unbearably cold. josh spends the day curled up on the couch in the back lounge with tyler, sharing the largest blanket they could find. the days feel immeasurably long and infinitely short at the same time, the world blending between cities and states and forests and farms. tyler's taken up listening to podcasts lately, a steady stream of them pouring from his laptop speakers as the hours and highways tick by.
josh hasn't been listening. he dozed off for an hour or so, and now, curled up with tyler's head in his lap, his focus seems impossible to direct. he pets tyler's hair idly, watches his eyes flick back and forth, searching and finding nothing.
it starts snowing, somewhere in the third hour, and they've moved only to keep their limbs from falling asleep. it's thick snow, the kind that weighs down all the trees and blankets entire towns. the mountaintops disappear into the sky. josh counts the eighteen-wheelers passing by the bus window, and falls back to sleep.
the show is uneventful. josh remembers little of it.
it's late when tyler's voice comes through the curtain on josh's bunk that night. he always goes to bed late. josh is used to this. he hasn't been sleeping well either.
"hey," he whispers, hand batting gently at the curtain. he finds the edge, and pulls it open the smallest bit. a sliver of light comes through, cutting through the dark bunk. josh squints.
"yeah?" he answers. tyler's head turns the slightest bit, following josh's voice.
"can i come in?" tyler asks. he rubs his eye and yawns.
josh hums an affirmation and rolls to the edge of the bunk. he touches tyler's hand and pulls gently. please, come in .
tyler crawls in like it's his own bed, orienting himself quickly and tucking into josh's side. his hands find josh's face, his fingers stroking, caressing. josh's eyelids are heavy. there's a knot in his chest, right next to his heart.
"you've been quiet lately," tyler says. his voice is hoarse. his fingers cup josh's jaw, warm and steady. "are you feeling okay?" his thumbs trace a steady line along josh's cheeks.
it's too dark to see tyler's face. josh wishes he could. he feels untethered, like the cold midwestern wind outside could yank him from this bed and toss him in with the corn along the sides of the highway. he floats in the dark, heart heavy.
"josh?" tyler's voice comes through.
"yeah," josh answers. "i'm okay." his voice cracks though, and he knows tyler heard.
tyler's hands move to josh's hair, fingers pressing gently into his scalp.
josh uncurls, reaches out for tyler. he finds him, presses his hands to his chest to feel his warmth, his heartbeat, steady in the dark.
"whatever you need, let me know," tyler whispers. josh feels his voice in his hands, the breath in his throat. "it's okay, josh." he brushes the hair off josh's forehead, resting his warm palm there, just for a moment. josh tries to breathe.
the days feel longer and longer, filled with less and less. josh wakes in his bunk in a new city, sluggish and heavy. he lays there for longer than necessary, head empty. the world feels the size of the bus. the world feels empty, too.
he and tyler still walk the venues every night. tyler's hand in the crook of josh's arm is an anchor in every sense of the word. something to keep him moored, and something to pull him down when he's losing his head.
tap, tap, tap, tyler's cane maps the width of the hallway, the floor in front of them. josh doesn't know why the sound is so comforting.
"the bathroom is on your right," he says. tyler knocks the edge of the doorframe with his cane, and nods. "there's a little plaque that says men's room on the left." tyler's hand finds the frame, then the plaque, and reads the braille embossed onto it.
"the women's is on your right," josh adds.
"thank you," tyler says. he tucks his hand back into josh's elbow, pressed close.
they walk for a bit longer, before tyler tightens his hand around josh's arm. josh hums in question, and slows his pace.
"is this weird, for you?" tyler asks. his face is stiff and unreadable.
"is what weird?" josh asks. he has a hunch, but he doesn't want to presume.
"y'know, like," tyler waves around the hand holding his cane. "being a seeing eye dog for your bandmate." it comes out in a rush.
"i mean, the only other serious band i've been in, i wasn't there long," josh says carefully. "i've never had it any other way, really."
tyler's face is still tense. he's slowed to a stop now, and josh stops too, standing in front of him.
"but no," josh continues. "it's not weird. you're my best friend," he says earnestly. he reaches for tyler's empty hand, and tangles their fingers together. "best friends help each other out."
tyler's face grows soft, before he schools his expression.
"dude, that's cheesy as hell," he reaches for josh's arm again. "show me where the dressing rooms are?"
josh laughs, a little huff. "yeah, i can do that."
the walk isn't long. it's quiet, just the sound of their footsteps and tyler's cane echoing in the hallways.
"this one's yours," josh says, slowing. "mark put a letter T on the door in gaff tape."
tyler cracks a smile, and touches the door. the tape is bunched up, a crude homespun braille substitute.
he's grinning when he turns back to josh. he reaches for josh, rubs his bicep warmly. "thank you," he says. "really."
"of course, dude," josh says. he takes a breath. "i love you."
"i love you too, man," tyler says, leaning in to kiss josh's cheek. "i'll see you in a bit."
the pennsylvania shows pass. it snows, and snows, and snows. the highways turn gray, stained with road salt
josh wakes to tyler calling his name, asking if he wants to explore all that southern wisconsin has to offer. he's right outside josh's bunk, by the sound of it.
"uhhhhh," he answers eloquently.
"i mean, only if you want," tyler says through the curtain. he sounds less than happy about that prospect.
josh looks at the weather on his phone, and the below zero temperature. he thinks about the rock in the pit of his stomach, that's been there for several days now.
"i think i might stay in, honestly," josh says. he knows he sounds out of it. tyler picks up on it too. his hand snakes through the gap in the curtain, and pats around until he finds josh. his hand is warm on josh's arm.
"let me know if you change your mind. or if you want us to bring food," tyler says, voice warm. "call me. i'll have my phone on."
josh nods. "yeah, okay." tyler's hand gives him a little pat. "sorry," josh adds. another pat.
"it's okay, i still love you." tyler says warmly. he withdraws his hand, and his footsteps fade. josh knows he was probably messing around, but the words make him warm, just for a moment. enough to roll over and fall back asleep.
he can't breathe. josh can't breathe, they're due to go onstage in ten minutes, and he can't find tyler. he knows he's fine, he knows , but for some reason he's getting stage fright five years into his career, and he doesn't know how to handle it. the rock in his stomach, the one from that morning, is suffocating him, and he's too tired to try and lift it.
he's on the floor when tyler finally shows up, dressed in his suit, without his cane, calling his name frantically.
"josh? this is your dressing room, right?" he's out of breath. his face is pink. josh feels terrible for getting him all worked up.
"hey," he says weakly from the floor. "i'm on the floor."
tyler tilts his head to listen, and furrows his brow. he must hear it in josh's voice. he steps forward, tentative.
"are you okay? josh? shit, i don't want to step on you," he says, and josh can't take it, he sits up and reaches for tyler, despite his body's protests.
he grabs tyler's hand, pulling him closer. tyler drops to his knees, touching josh's hands and shoulders and biceps, orienting himself. josh's breath is still coming heavy, and he feels like he's going to cry.
"josh? josh, answer me, i'm worried. are you alright?" his hands have made it to josh's face, cradling josh's head in his hands. his face is so soft, eyes twitchy and brow creased.
"i don't know--" josh says through heavy breaths. "i don't know what's wrong with me," he says. he can feel his voice growing thick around the lump in his throat.
tyler gets it then, grabbing around josh's shoulders and pulling josh into his arms. he squeezes, and josh cracks, letting the tears fall and the heaving breaths worsen.
tyler hushes him, rocks him. he hums, petting josh's hair as he cries.
"it's okay, you'll be okay," he says. "can you breathe with me, josh?" josh nods quickly, trying to stifle the tears coming out. they breathe together, and tyler sings, and josh feels the world shrink to the size of this room, to tyler's arms cradling him like he carries the whole world in his hands. minutes, hours, days pass. josh starts to feel the carpet again, feel the tie around his neck. tyler's hand stroking his hair, and the muffled hubub of the world outside.
tyler pulls away and kisses his cheek. it's long and wet with josh's tears, but tyler doesn't seem to mind.
"how are you feeling?" he asks. he's still pressed so close. the pressure is welcome.
"better," josh answers. his throat is sore, and his eyes are sticky, but it'll be okay.
"think you can play the show?" tyler asks, pressing his nose to josh's neck. "it's alright if not," he says.
"no, no," josh says. "it's fine, i can play."
"are you sure?"
"yes." he tries to sound firm.
tyler pulls away, rubbing his shoulders.
"i trust you," he says resolutely. he leans in, and kisses josh, softly, sweetly.
the show goes fine. tyler takes longer in his speeches, giving josh time between songs to breathe and recollect. he's grateful for this.
tyler comes into josh's dressing room after the show, black paint splotchy and face sweaty.
"are you showering?" he asks.
"yes," josh answers, shirtless.
"can i join you?"
"of course."
the shower in the dressing room is cramped and dark. for once, it feels safe, rather than claustrophobic.
tyler scrubs his neck and hands first, letting the black paint swirl down the drain before anything else. it drips down his body on its way, making black streaks down his torso and legs. it's hypnotizing.
"shampoo?" tyler asks. josh hands him the bottle, and watches him careful pour some into his hand. he reaches for josh's hair first. josh leans forward, tucks his face into tyler's shoulder while his hands work the shampoo into a lather. his nails are getting long. it feels good. josh wraps his arms around tyler's torso, pulls him closer. tyler hums. his hands still, and he lets himself be held, moving to hold josh as well.
josh watches the water drip down tyler's back, watches the suds drip from his hair, stained yellow. tyler breathes deeply against him, a steady in and out that josh tries to match. shared breath, passed back and forth, back and forth. he hums again, some tune josh doesn't recognize, and finally, he doesn't feel cold at all.