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“Headmaster,” Tsunade says coolly, peering through the fireplace at Madara Uchiha. She dislikes using the Floo network, and she dislikes the Uchiha patriarch even more.
“Ah, Madame Minister,” Madara says, perched neatly on a velvet cushion. “How lovely of you to drop in.”
“This is not a courtesy call,” Tsunade says. She already feels like she needs a drink. “I’m making—”
“I do apologize that we had to have this meeting over Floo,” Madara cuts in smoothly. “But it was a necessity, I’m simply too busy with the school to pop down to your office. You understand.”
“Indeed,” Tsunade says dryly, looking around Madara’s Hogwarts office, which seems to be filled with half-finished passion projects. Above his desk, a massive picture of Hashirama Senju, her grandfather, hangs on the wall. It stares into her soul.
Tsunade tears her eyes away and focuses back on Madara. “I’m making an informal inquiry into your staff, Headmaster. I’m...unimpressed with the quality of the professors you’ve chosen to hire.” That’s putting it lightly, but this is supposedly a polite meeting.
“And how are you settling into your new office, Minister? After your predecessor’s... untimely demise. So tragic, isn’t it?”
Tsunade grinds her teeth. Hiruzen Sarutobi’s death, a few short months prior, had been announced to the public as a passing due to natural causes, but everyone with half a brain knew there was nothing natural about being impaled by a dark curse.
“You’ll need to catch the perpetrator soon,” Madara continues, in that slinky drawl he likes to put on when he thinks he’s being intimidating. “Or your very position as Minister will be in jeopardy.”
He’s right, the bastard. The assassin’s identity is an open secret, but Orochimaru’s a wily snake, and is proving extremely difficult for her Aurors to catch. But with Jiraiya gunning for her job, and claiming that she’s soft for the creep, Tsunade can’t let Orochimaru slip through her fingers.
“Orochimaru was a teacher at your school, wasn’t he?” Tsunade snaps.
“Years ago,” Madara says lazily.
“Two years ago,” Tsunade points out.
“We fired him,” Madara says.
“After a scandal involving human experimentation—”
“The details aren’t important,” Madara says. “Besides, wasn’t Orochimaru your classmate in school? I’ve heard you two were rather...close.”
Well, she’d been close with Jiraiya too, and look how that turned out. “We’re here to talk about you,” Tsunade reminds him. “Who replaced Orochimaru as Potions Master?”
“Itachi,” Madara says.
“Itachi Uchiha. Your nephew?”
“Great-nephew, yes.”
“And another one of your family members is currently teaching History of Magic.”
“Yes, Obito,” Madara agrees.
“And how is he related to you?”
“It’s not important,” Madara says.
It is important. The Uchihas are vastly wealthy, one of the most powerful and ancient wizarding families, but nearly everyone agrees that they obtained their wealth through ill-gotten means. They’re a crime family, to put it bluntly, and Madara is the head. She’s doing a dangerous thing here, challenging him.
Pick your battles, Sarutobi always told her, but Tsunade means to right a wrong where she sees one.
“Normally, I’d take greater offense at how your school is becoming a family affair, but I’m currently more concerned with the rest of your faculty. I believe I asked you to compile me a complete list of your professors?”
“Ah, yes,” Madara says. “I have it here.” He produces a scroll from his long sleeve with a flourish and unrolls it. “Hidan teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts—”
“Hidan. Hidan who?”
“Uh—” Madara squints at his parchment.
“What were his qualifications?”
“He cannot be killed.”
Tsunade rubs at her forehead. She really needs that drink. “Okay. Alright. Please continue.”
Madara clears his throat. “Professor Deidara teaches Charms, Professor Konan teaches transfiguration, Professor Pein teaches charms, Professor Zetsu teaches herbology, Master Kisame is our Quidditch coach, Kakazu is our groundskeeper—”
“You don’t have last names for any of these people?” Tsunade interrupts him.
“I really don’t see the problem here—” Madara starts.
“All of your professors are war criminals, ” Tsunade snaps.
“No no, darling, they’re not,” Madara assures her. “And anyway, aren’t all of your employees war criminals too? Hm! Asked and answered!”
Tsunade pinches the bridge of her nose. Kakashi, Gai, Asuma, Kurenai—all her top staff—they’ve done some unsavory things in their time, but all in the service of the greater good. She has to believe that, if she’s going to continue running this country with any shred of conscience. She’s trying to do a good thing here, she reminds herself, return Hogwarts to what it was when she attended, instead of the wretched mess it currently is.
But the Hogwarts she attended produced Orochimaru. And there have been no student deaths so far, under Madara. Well, there was the human experimentation scandal, but at least the poor boy didn’t die. Her resources are stretched thin enough as it is, and she has to catch Orochimaru or she’ll lose her job for sure. And then Jiraiya will be Minister, and that will be a whole different disaster.
What does one do when a beloved school is run by a crime boss, but is also the best school, and the only school?
Pick your battles, Tsunade.
“Alright,” she says abruptly. “I’m satisfied with your report. Don’t consider yourself in the clear, but carry on for now.”
She breaks the Floo connection, but not before she sees Madara’s triumphant smirk.
Bastard, she thinks, flipping off her empty fireplace. Then she goes over to her desk and pours herself a drink from the private stash she keeps in her top drawer.
The youngest Uchiha boy is currently a first year, she remembers, as she knocks it back. That’s four more Uchihas in the school than she’s comfortable with.
Well, too bad. Orochimaru is her top priority. She can’t worry about Hogwarts right now.