Chapter Text
TJ bursts into his sister's room. “Amber, I like a boy.”
Amber was lounging on her bed, a fluffy pink pillow under her chest and a J-14 magazine in front of her. “Congrats,” she replies lamely, turning the page of her magazine.
He falters, expecting more of a reaction. “Wait, you're not—you're not mad?”
She shakes her head, “TJ, I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian, so I don't think I could be mad if I tried.” She closes the magazine and sets it on the white shelf above her bed, sitting up. “So, Thelonious ,” Amber says with a chuckle, “who is this boy you speak of?”
“Uh...Cyrus Goodman?” He replies slowly. “Um, I know you two are friends, so I don't know if he's, like, off-limits, or—”
Amber interrupts his rambling, “Teej, relax. It's cool.”
“Okay.” TJ lets out a sigh of relief and fiddles with the hem of his pants, a habit he picked up from Cyrus. “That was...easier than I thought.”
After a pregnant pause, Amber speaks up. “Do you wanna...do you wanna talk about it or something?” She asks slowly.
“Please.”
Amber scoots back on her bed, grabbing the pink pillow she just laid on and pulling it to her chest. She pats the spot next to her, and TJ moves to sit down. She lifts her peach comforter and he wordlessly slides under it.
“I dunno, Ambs, I just thought this would be more...monumental or something,” he says. “Like, I’m g—” The word seems to be stuck in his throat. “I like boys,” he tries. “And that’s not really something that’s widely accepted.”
“Being gay isn’t the same as being allergic to peanuts, Teddy,” Amber deadpans. “It’s not something that’s going to be a dinner-table topic.”
“Yeah, I know...I mean I just kind of thought it’d be easier , y’know? Like…” TJ turns to look at his sister. “I’ll be in the locker room with the guys on the team, and some of them just start...they start making jokes , and I can’t really—sometimes I just feel wrong for just being there because I’m the punchline of their joke and they don’t even know it. I just want it to be easier like it is in the movies.”
His sister shakes her head, “I hate to tell you, but I don’t think it ever gets easier. And it doesn’t always happen like it does in the movies.” Amber pauses, “Honestly, I think that’d be pretty shitty.”
“What do you mean?” TJ asks.
“I mean, like—” Amber sighs and starts again, “Okay, imagine this is a movie.” TJ nods, and she continues, “So, you’re gay, right, and you aren’t out yet. You have a crush, but you can’t tell anyone because you’re not out. Who knows why you’re not—maybe it’s not safe, or you’re just not comfortable with anyone knowing. One day, someone finds out, because people always find out in movies. Now you’re out before you’re ready, and you feel obligated to make a big speech and ‘own your truth’ or whatever.” She rolls her eyes at that.
“The point is, I’d rather you come out in the way that you want when you want it to happen. So this—” She slings an arm over his shoulder, “is more than okay with me.”
TJ smiles and hugs her. “Thanks, Ambs.” As he pulls away, it dawns on him. “Wait, you’re a lesbian?”
Amber flushes and looks away.
“ Dude !” he exclaims. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It wasn’t really your business,” she replies, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Did you just miss the whole speech I just made?”
“Well, no, but I don’t—is that what you meant by ‘it never gets easier’?”
She nods, “Yeah…” Her gaze moves to meet TJ’s, “I tried. To suppress my feelings, I mean.”
“When you dated Jonah?”
“Yeah, that was…” Amber trails off.
“Yikes.” He fills in. TJ reminisces, his face twists into a sour expression, “You were so unhappy…”
She nods, “I know. It was one of the worst years of my life, combined with all the shit going on with Mom and Dad.”
“Fuck Dad!” TJ exclaims.
“Now is not the time, Teej,” Amber scolds. He mumbled an apology, and Amber continues. “I just felt like I needed someone to lean on, y’know? Jonah and I were friends before we dated, but I just kind of thought I needed to love someone to fill a hole. I loved him, but not...Jonah was like the brother I never had—”
“Amber,” TJ warns.
“You know it’s true! You used to be all mean and stuff!”
“Wow, you’re one to talk,” he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.
“ Stoooooop ,” Amber says, shoving him playfully. “Okay, anyway. I tried to make it easier for me, but I only made my life harder. I threw away a lot of friendships because I didn’t know how to handle what I was going through.” She looked down in her lap and shook her head solemnly. “It wasn’t...it wasn’t worth it.”
“I hated seeing you like that,” he admits quietly. “I always thought it was just because of Dad or something because you started going to therapy after he left.”
“That was part of it. I shouldn’t have put it off as long as I did. It didn’t really click in my head that I needed to be able to control my anger until I realized it might jeopardize my future with someone.”
TJ wrinkles his nose, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I, um…” She blushed, “I kind of met someone?”
“No fucking way!” He yells.
Amber rolls her eyes, “Shut up, dork. It’s not that serious. She’s just a friend. I’m not ready for a relationship right now.”
He leaned forward, “But when you are… ?” He pressed.
She rolls her eyes, “Oh my God !” She huffs, flopping down on the bed. “If I say yes, will you stop?”
TJ pauses, pretending to think for a moment. “Possibly.” He throws the peach comforter off of his body and stands. He walks toward his sister’s full-length mirror and stares at his reflection.
“You know what,” he says. “Fuck this.”
Amber furrows her brows, “What?”
“Fuck this!” He spins around to look at her. “I don’t want this shit to rule my life. I don’t want it to make my life difficult, it’s who I am. I’m tired of being scared to be myself.”
“So...what, you’re gonna come out to the team?” Amber asks.
“Yes, but no. I’m gonna do something better than that.”
“Like what?”
“I'm gonna come out to the whole school.”
Amber gapes, “You're nuts.”
“Wow, thanks for being supportive!” TJ says, feigning enthusiasm.
“Teej, you know I'll always support you, but...are you sure you're ready?”
“I've never been more ready for anything in my life.”
“Well…” Amber takes a deep breath. “If you're gonna do it, then so am I.”
“Amber—”
“We're in this together, Teddy. You can't go back on the pact.”
TJ balls his fists, “Dammit, I forgot about the pact,” he mutters. It wasn't really a pact, per se, it was more an unspoken law. Any plans that are dumb, life-changing, or that could possibly get you arrested, you must do with the other twin. When Amber had to get her first retainer when she was nine, TJ begged his parents to get him one too. He didn't, but he went to every orthodontist appointment with her and had a technician pretend to fix his teeth to make her feel better.
“Okay, fine. You can...we can come out together, but only when you're ready. I can wait as long as you need me to.”
“No, we're doing this,” Amber says, standing. She walks over to stand next to him.
TJ turns back to the mirror and gazed at their reflection. “Right,” he says. “Right, we can do this!”
———
“Why did I agree to do this," TJ moans, staring up at the large building. Grant High School towers over everything close to it, casting a looming shadow over Amber's white Beetle.
“TJ, it was your idea,” Amber said, clicking her keys to lock her car. “How am I more calm than you?”
“I don't know...maybe it's like pre-game jitters or something.” TJ began to walk towards the doors of Grant, feeling the knot in his stomach grow larger as the seconds passed. He gulps and stops abruptly, turning to his sister. “I don't think I can do this,” he admits.
“Teej,” she says, putting her hands on his shoulders. “Listen to me. You need to do this. You are ready. Okay?”
He licks his lips nervously and nods, “Okay. Yeah, I got this.”
“Of course you do! Now go...go do it!”
TJ nods and resumes, walking to the door, before stopping again. “Wait—”
“No waiting!” Amber says sternly. “Just—” She takes a deep breath and starts again. “You see him at lunch, right?”
“Yeah,” TJ answers.
“Then just...you can do it then. Maybe you can talk to him about it beforehand so that y’all are on the same page about it.”
TJ points to the door, “Right. Lunch is good. Did you just say ‘y’all’?”
“Not the time! Now, hurry up, I’m gonna be late for my psychology class.” Amber gives his shoulder one last squeeze. “You got this,” She says sincerely.
TJ smiles warmly, “Thanks.” Yeah, he’s definitely got this.