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Of course he’d noticed.
Of course he’d noticed the changes, he is the one who knows Dazai best, after all. The changes were stark against Dazai’s usual brilliance, and it wasn’t hard to notice small blips in memory, where Dazai would forget something. At first, it was a small detail here or there, but Dazai always remembered the small details, usually it was the small details that Dazai manipulated to give him an advantage.
Chuuya had thought it was just his old age, but they were in their late-thirties and still pretty lively. Even if Dazai had taken it upon himself to start teasing him, saying he could see grey strands of hair starting to stand out against Chuuya’s bright mop of hair. Of course, there were no such things, they were nowhere near when it would be considered normal to forget things or have greying hair, so Chuuya dismissed it despite his wariness, despite the alarms going off in his head.
So, when it got worse some years later, of course Chuuya noticed. Dazai was forgetting more details, and his plans weren’t always working out, and more often than not, he got frustrated trying to remember a conversation he had not even a week ago. Deep down Chuuya knew something was wrong, but he didn’t exactly know what, so he did what he could, he kissed Dazai breathless every time to get his mind off it. He’d comfort him by running his hands through his hair when Dazai collapsed into his lap after a long day out, and held him closely, tenderly when they slept, and gave his hand a gentle reassuring squeeze when they were in meetings. Chuuya tried to gently coax the feeling of impending doom out of the pit of his stomach, but it had already laid down its roots.
He forced himself to act like nothing was wrong because maybe, just maybe, if he didn’t acknowledge it, it’d go away and stop wrecking the life he worked so hard to achieve.
They were in their late 40s when Dazai said hello to Atsushi twice at an event, having forgotten he’d seen the man before. Atsushi played it off like it was the first time they’d seen each other that night, unable to reject the warm, genuine smile he had been given. Suddenly, Chuuya had to force himself to admit the cold, unforgiving reality, something was wrong , something was wrong and there was nothing he could do about it but go to the doctor.
Later that night, he cornered Dazai, and forced him to stop ignoring it all, to stop pushing it away and hoping for the best because it was obvious it wasn’t an option anymore. They couldn’t ignore the memory loss, it was past the point of no return.
Chuuya choked out the next few words, a strangled whisper full of regret, “We’re going to the doctor’s tomorrow morning, and there’s no getting out of it.”
The next morning, he got them both ready and practically dragged Dazai out of the house, a feat unto itself because that day, Chuuya was finally starting to understand Dazai’s constant search for the blissful, empty solace death offered on a silver platter. The drive to the hospital was nothing short of suffocating, the heavy air around them crushed his lungs and the look in Dazai’s eyes made his stomach turn with something vile.
He didn’t know where to look or where to put his hands in the sterile waiting room, he was stiff and nervous. Chuuya’s eyes cut to his left— toward Dazai— and he saw the layers of masks he’d put up, each one exuding a calm and intimidating aura. Chuuya forced himself to say nothing as he took Dazai’s hand and gave it a small squeeze, the pang in his chest when Dazai dropped it as if his touch had burned was excruciating.
Finally, they were called into a small examining room, the stiff and unyielding examining table seemed to be staring him down as Dazai sat on it, a challenge Chuuya couldn’t rise up to meet. He made himself uncomfortable in the chair next to the examining table, and they waited for the doctor to come in. Dazai still refused to even look at him, even when the tired doctor walked in and Chuuya starter listing the things that were wrong. A seemingly deteriorating short-term memory, trouble concentrating on the most simple tasks, having trouble with the time, and most damning of all, difficulty planning. The doctor left, and came back with the diagnosis.
Chuuya had noticed, he’d seen Dazai progressively get worse and worse, but it still felt like it was all at once a sickly sweet surprise and an expectation of sorts to hear it spelled out so clearly in front of him.
I regret to inform you that your husband is exhibiting signs of early onset Alzheimer’s
The expected lifespan is-
He zoned out.
No matter how hard Chuuya tried to keep all the tattered pieces of his life in place, they always end up in smaller shards, and Chuuya could do nothing but humor fate and try to put it all back together again. It’s the same over and over again, and he was offered no breaks. Fate constantly took those he cared for, and now it was trying to take the one person he treasured about most.
He only came back to reality when the door closed and he felt a hand gently squeezing his. Chuuya realized that Dazai had moved to kneel in front of him, one hand holding his and the other hesitating to cradle his cheek. Dazai’s eyes had a sort of wet gleam to them, the tears denied the right to spill over.
Chuuya felt repulsed by his reaction, he should be the one comforting Dazai, he wasn’t the one with the disease and he certainly wasn’t the one who was just told he was going to die. He threw his arms around Dazai’s neck and he brought the man’s head to rest against the crook of his neck.
“Now you see why I didn’t want to come, love,” the words held thinly veiled sorrow and tears wet his shirt, “how could you ever want to stay with me when I’m gonna leave you again?”
Chuuya felt his blood run cold at the thought of Dazai feeling like he’d up and dump him at the first sign of trouble, at the first sign of being left behind again.
“Dazai look at me,” he gently guided his husband’s face away from his neck, so that he could see his eyes, “I vowed to you ‘through sickness and through health’ and there’s no way I’m going back on my words.”
He ran his hands through Dazai’s hair and gingerly tucked some of his bangs behind his ear.
“We’ll do this together. You’re not going to fight this alone and I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
And he kissed Dazai breathless.