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Dedicated to Illuin, my co-owner of an imaginary pet Nazgul.
Do I want a Nazgul?
A Nazgul is for life, not just for eleventy-first birthdays. Before getting a Nazgul, discuss the responsibilities involved with your loved ones. An abandoned Nazgul is an unhappy Nazgul, and an unhappy Nazgul means unhappy villagers. Myself, I have been the proud owner of a Nazgul named Karen for just over six years. It is rewarding, but what in life is rewarding without also being challenging?
Society is full of anti-Nazgul prejudice. People think that just because they are consumed with hate, malice, greed, and lust for the One Ring, they are somehow dangerous. Many Nazgul owners have seen their insurance premiums and council tax increase once they informed local authorities they owned a Nazgul . You will reassure them greatly if you show you have done your research and put serious thought into your decision.
Given that Nazgul are very high maintenance pets, I recommend co-owning them. It is very important that you have an unshakeable bond with your co-owner, and agree with them how you will both care for the Nazgul before you make the leap. Find someone who shares your commitment to your Nazgul. Grown Nazgul can be wrathful and intimidating, which means the two of you must always present a united front. Nazgul find arguments and family strife deeply upsetting, and a broken home is not the environment for a Nazgul to thrive in. A good rule of thumb for assessing whether you have made the right choice of co-owner is to ask yourself: “Do I see us having a future together as co-rulers of the world?” If you cannot confidently say yes to that question, reconsider your decision.
An annual conference on Nazgul care is hosted by Nazgul owners at Minas Morgul, during the dead of winter. Come along to hear more about life with these magnificent pets.
Naming Your Nazgul
It is not essential to name your Nazgul- I only recently named mine. Classic Nazgul names include Sharon, Babs, Debbie, Judy, Susie, Bev, and Sheila. Avoid giving your Nazgul a name that already belongs to a friend or relative. Your friend could feel hurt or confused if you shout out “Sharon! Put down that severed head, please!” Your Nazgul could feel hurt or confused if you shout out “You lied to me, Becky! You promised to come to my baby shower and you went to cocktails with Gladys instead! Gladys, Becky!”
Lately, it has been fashionable to name Nazgul after unpopular politicians. The latest Minas Morgul conference was full of owners of Donalds, Hillarys, Emmanuels, Angelas, Margaret Thatchers, and Putins. I strongly advise against the practice. If you dislike the namesake you are likely to say the name with more disdain than affection, even if you don’t mean to. A disrespected Nazgul is an unhappy Nazgul, and an unhappy Nazgul means unhappy villagers.
Making your home Nazgul-friendly
Before you bring home your little bundle of doom, make sure your surroundings are suitable. Nazgul feel very uncomfortable with 100 watt strip lighting. Mood lighting is preferable, particularly if that mood is ominous. Nazgul are one of the few pets where candles are preferable to electric lighting. Look for candles that give off an eerie bluish-white light. Of course, candles can be a fire hazard, so for baby Nazgul try and find some plastic replacements. It goes without saying that you will want to be covered by home and contents insurance, pet insurance, and life insurance. Shop around and compare prices to make sure you get the best deal, and remember: demonstrations of responsible pet care will help to reduce your premiums.
For a relaxing home environment, consider gloomy wallpapers, appliqué bloodstains, and some skeletons tastefully arranged. Water slowly drip dripping down a cold black cave wall can help sooth your Nazgul and prepare them for bedtime. Nazgul are suitable pets for owners with a green thumb, but avoid flowers, particularly beautiful and brightly coloured ones. They have a tendency to shred them and leave foreboding trails of blood red petals.
Of course, you’ll want to have your Nazgul house-trained as soon as possible. Nazgul have bodily needs like any other pet, but if you have to constantly clean up entrails, blood puddles, viscera, severed limbs and forcefully moulted hair, you are at risk of losing patience with your Nazgul. Most varieties of cat litter available at all good petshops work perfectly well for Nazgul too, but always check the label. You will also need a much bigger litter tray than you would for a cat.
If you have a garden- and caring for a Nazgul is much easier if you do- consider planting a spiky dead tree. Ones that have branches that look like claws are best. Your energetic young Nazgul will greatly appreciate it, though check that it is strong enough to bear their weight. You don’t want your Nazgul to have any accidents! Local villagers wouldn’t want your Nazgul to have any accidents either.
It is wise to delay investing in loft insulation until your Nazgul has perfected smooth roof-landings.
Feeding Your Nazgul
There is an art to feeding your Nazgul: a delicate balance of appetite must be maintained. Some Nazgul owners assume they must underfeed their Nazgul in order to weaken them and thus keep them obedient. This is very faulty logic. Should your Nazgul suffer malnutrition, you may be prosecuted by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Eldritch Abominations. In the worst case scenario, starving your Nazgul may mean the NSPCEA are prosecuting your corpse.
A well-fed Nazgul is a happy Nazgul and a happy Nazgul means living villagers. It is easy to overcompensate and overfeed your Nazgul, but this can lead to obesity and lethargy both of which have a knock-on effect on your Nazgul’s ability to fly their fell beast- an ability which is vital to their wellbeing.
Nazgul like their food to be terrified, which makes veganism difficult to maintain. It is a good idea to involve them in the preparation of their food, to help them distinguish between species. A useful acronym for managing energy and appetite is PSEMBAB: Peckish, Snack, Exercise, Meal, Bath, Affection, Bedtime.
Exercising Your Nazgul
Flying on a fell beast with your Nazgul is one of the greatest joys of having a Nazgul for a pet. Yet the thrill can be spoiled if you don’t keep an eye on your Nazgul’s mood and prevent them from getting carried away. Forcing your Nazgul to exercise when they are too hungry is even more unwise than forcing them to play when they are too tired. They may become bad-tempered, or go on a rampage in order to find food.
Nazgul need fresh air and open space, so give them room to roam. Do not be too distressed if they are out of sight, as if you have cared and fed them properly, they should return to your call, especially if you sound worried or distressed. You can address your Nazgul in any language, but Black Speech is best for calling your pet back to you. However, Black Speech carries yet more stigma, so try to avoid it in public. Alternatively, exercise your Nazgul in remote locations.
The latest in Nazgul pet gadgets is a whistle that emits a harsh call of “Shire! Baggins!” Tests have shown it to be very effective.
Bonding with Your Nazgul
Nazgul follow the strong before they begin to develop attachments, so make sure to address a baby Nazgul with authority and confidence as well as love. Acquire a collection of skulls of various shapes and sizes to keep them amused. You may have some noise complaints, but they are called Shriekers for a reason.
Nazgul are self-conscious about their appearance, so it is important to foster body positivity. Do not look at them too often in their white skeletal state, as they are very sensitive about this. Nazgul like to look good when around their peers, so polish their spurred black boots, iron their long black cloaks, clean and sharpen their swords, replace outgrown armour, and dye anything black that’s fading. It’s a way for you to show you care. Keep them looking stylishly ominous and ominously stylish, and you will foster love and devotion.
Express your affection with words, like the classic: “Who’s a good eldritch abomination? You’re a good eldritch abomination!” Get to know your Nazgul, how they like to be petted. My Karen likes to be stroked behind the ears. Spend quality time with your Nazgul, but let them know of your movements when commitments require you to be away from them. Do not give them the impression that you need to be violently rescued, unless you need to be violently rescued.
Do not reject your Nazgul’s expressions of affection. An unloved Nazgul is an unhappy Nazgul and an unhappy Nazgul means… you get the picture. As did the villagers.
But what about the One Ring?
Obsession with the One Ring is part of every Nazgul’s growing pains. When still young, you can distract them with a mobile of shiny ring-shaped objects, but they will quickly outgrow this. When they do, stop using it immediately or they are likely to lash out at you. Nazgul want something that isn’t good for them, but you must manage and work around this obsession. This means getting to know your Nazgul as an individual, as well as encouraging them to socialise with their peer group. Give them freedom to pursue the Ring, so long as they do not neglect their wellbeing for it, and do not dismiss their feelings. They are valid. It’s a balance you will learn to maintain, but a fulfilling relationship with your Nazgul can lead to many years of companionship.