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Dear Aziraphale
You probably know how bad I am with words already, but just so you remember: I’m terrible with words. I tried my best to let you know about my feelings in every other possible way that didn’t involve words, but you’re… for Satan’s sake, Aziraphale, you’re so fucking stupid!
I mean, that or you’re just pretending you don’t know anything, because you don’t feel the same and you don’t want to hurt me… oh, coming to think of it, that must be exactly the case…
I’m nervous, sorry I called you stupid.
Either way I need to tell you once and for all, because I’m… I’m scared, that we won’t see each other again. For good this time. Armagedon is about to happen and even if we can avoid it, which is already a very small possibility, Hell is coming for me anyways. It will take more than just a few miracles for me to get out of this, for me to see you again.
That’s why I’m writing.
Remember when we first met? You probably do, you’ve always been better in remembering stuff than I am, but this is one of lots of moments that keeps playing in my mind over and over again so, this time, I’m sure I remember it better than you.
We were both so naïve back then, weren’t we? Just doing what we were told. At least, that’s what I thought, especially from you. And then you simply turn to me and said with the dumbest face “I gave it away!”. How can someone forget such thing, angel? How can a demon such as me forget when an angel stops listening to God Herself to do what’s right, just cause they thought it was right?
That absolutely blew my mind. I mean, could it be that all angels were like that? Could it be that Heaven changed this much since I fell? But, as I could notice moments later when the first rain came and you gave me cover under your wing, that was not the case.
Heaven didn’t change, angels were still bastards, but you were different. No one else in Heaven or Hell would be kind to the Eden’s serpent, besides you.
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The only good thing Gabriel’s done in his entire existence was to leave you down here. If he ever knew how happy it was making me he would send you back up instantly, so obviously I couldn’t show it. Seriously, resisting smiling every time I saw your face was harder than any temptation I’ve had to perform in 6 thousand years, I’m not even exaggerating. I thought I’d get used to the idea of being your enemy with time, but the more I talked to you the harder it got not to love like you.
It’s been so long I even lost count on how many times I stopped and realized how legitimate fucked I was. Those times that, even though I don’t need to breathe, I lost my breath. Because you… well, mostly just smiled. That kind, warm smile that no one ever gave me…
Fuck, there’s no way I can face eternity knowing I won’t ever see your smile again, angel. Honestly, if Hell decides not to exterminate me I’m gonna have to do it myself. That’s how fucked I am.
Like I told you before, every little thing I did for you was for you to realize how much you mattered to me. I mean, how can you still not think I wasn’t looking after you all those times I saved your ass? If you still think it was a coincidence or whatever… it wasn’t. No commendation from Hell was ever more important than making sure you were okay. Their opinion is worth shit to me, specially now. “You and me against the world” was what I always thought, even though you never really agreed with me on that.
It was clear for me you never hated me but, Aziraphale, even if you did… I’d turn my back on everything for you. I wouldn’t hesitate on spit on Satan’s face if you asked. Not that I’d be alive for much longer after that, but if I got to see your smile… worth it.
I have so much to thank you for. You’ve done so much for me, probably not even realizing it – maybe that’s just the way angels work? Either way, I can assure you no angel did half as good in all existence than you did to me only. Go rub it in those bastards’ faces, please.
I don’t like even to think what kind of demon I would be if I didn’t have you by my side all those years…
But probably a good one.
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I can feel something bad coming already, Angel. I’m so scared. Not for myself, of course, but for you. I wouldn’t ever forgive myself if I let something happen to you. You have no idea of how much I treasure you, but... I guess that’s the point of this letter after all.
My fall from Heaven was nothing compared to when I realized I’ve fallen for you.
Every single good emotion I’ve ever felt was because of you, angel. Every good song I listen to, every plant I (sometimes) complimented, every ride on my beloved Bentley... all of this is only worth smiling for because I have you on my mind. I know you’re supposed to be good to everyone, but the way you’re good to me... nothing compares to that. Nothing will ever make me feel better than knowing you care about me. If I could, I’d suffer for the rest of eternity to make sure you would never feel any kind of pain again.
Aziraphale, you’re everything I have. There’s honestly and truly nothing I wouldn’t do for you, I’d even put my car on fire if you asked me to - not that’s gonna happen, but still. I- I love you, okay? Hell, why even writing this is so hard?
I love you.
And why do I feel like you know this already?
Angel... I just need you to be okay. I’m gonna be covered in shame from head to toes if I see you again after you read this, but it’s gonna be a shame worth feeling. Cause that would mean we both did it, that we’re okay and we have... time. Nothing would make me happier than to look at you again and know that we have time.
I don’t expect you to feel the same for me, that would be expecting too much of you. I just needed you to know. That I love you. I mean...
Just... if we never see each other again, please remember there’s a bastard in Hell that thinks you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to existence. Hopefully that’ll make you smile.
And if I end up being exterminated, just destroy my Bentley, I don’t want her to be anyone else’s. Except from you of course, but you two wouldn’t get along well.
Yours forever, Crowley.
P.S.: Don’t call my number. There’s a demon on my answering machine.